If you’re wondering what this post is about, it’s something a bunch of folks do every week over on Dave Barry’s blog of the show “24”, and here’s my contribution:
4:00 pm – The Russian terrorist, who inexplicably speaks better English that most Americans, gets a call from yet MORE terrorists in the field.
4:01 pm – Manilow finds out that Mrs Manilow is in the limo! Finally, a way out! …No wait…. He wants to stop the motorcade to get her back.
4:03 pm – Manilow calls Mrs. Manilow, and tries to convince her to come back. She hangs up on him! Well, he tried. Guess that’s it for her!
4:06 pm – Manilow realizes that the Russians might find out that Mrs. Manilow has never ridden in a limo. …Oh, and that he gave the terrorists their route so the terrorists could kill them all. Whoops!
4:07 pm – Audrey tells Edgar to meet her in the server room, but won’t tell him why. Edgar looks really hopeful, and pops a breath mint.
4:08 pm – The Hobbit is slowly decending into craziness, and starts asking about Lemba wafers.
4:09 pm – Audrey and Chloe are both in the server room. The Hobbit would never think of looking there. Meanwhile, if Edgar walked in that server room in his present state of mind, he’d probably faint at what he thinks is going to find there.
4:10 pm – Jack gets a phone call from Audrey, and we find out that Jack is going to meet his previous boss’s replacement boss’s boss, that Jack investigated for selling secrets. This is going to be a happy reunion.
4:11 pm – Edgar is shocked to find Audrey and Chloe there together, and immediately demands to know if they’ve already eaten the secret stash of Cheetos Audrey alluded too.
4:12 pm – Manilow keeps thinking of wacky scenarios to get his wife out of the limo. That kook!
4:12 pm – Mrs. Manilow asks about route changes, and says she’s just worried about heavy traffic. Doesn’t she watch this show? There IS no heavy traffic.
4:17 pm – Back at CTU, The Hobbit, asks this new person “Cary” who she’s on the phone with, she says “Homeland Security”, and he fires her. I’m sure she’ll remember that the next time someone asks her that, she will NOT answer “Homeland Security”. I can only imagine what would have happened if she answered “FEMA”.
4:18 pm – Audrey and Chloe get caught by The Hobbit, and Audrey confronts him. Audrey argues long enough to let Chloe send a new security update to the computer system of the company that Jack’s going to. The Hobbit tells Audrey he needs “Precious” and Chloe goes with him.
4:19 pm – Jack bypasses the crack security guard, and gets Audrey to get an assistant to go away from her desk.
4:22 pm – ROBOCOP, CUNNINGLY DISGUISED AS A REGULAR HUMAN, TAZERS JACK!
4:23 pm – Jack tells Robocop that the terrorist have Centox gas, and Robocop swears he only shot a few people, and doesn’t know about the gas.
4:24 pm – Jack asks to see a bunker, and Robocop leads him out of the office.
Commercial – TWENTY FOUR THE GAME!
4:29 pm – Edgar tells Chloe about an intercept, and it appears to be some chatter about the exact situation they’re in on the website by a famous humorist who’s name rhymes with “Brave Dairy”. He’s going to do some further investigating.
4:30 pm – Edgar and Chloe go to The Hobbit to tell him about the chatter that was intercepted, and since it has nothing to do with “Precious”, he doesn’t want to hear about it. He says he’s been embarassed enough for one day. (He’s wrong. There’s PLENTY more to be embarassed about.) Curtis tries to tell him to put people on the threat assessment, and is told to go play with an elf.
4:31 pm – Impecible English Speaking Terrorist (IEST) calls to make sure that there’s still no traffic on any street in LA.
4:32 pm – Audrey goes to The Hobbit to tell him about the threat, and even threatens to cry, but The Hobbit STILL doesn’t want to hear about it, unless it involves The Ring. At this point, I think The Hobbit is in on the plot.
4:33 pm – Chloe instant messenges Edgar to meet in the hall. He sees Chloe and Audrey there, but still no Cheetos.
4:34 pm – Audrey wants Chloe to hack the Hobbits account, so she can send a secret message. Edgar doesn’t want to do it unless he sees some Cheetoes RIGHT NOW. They convince him to help them send the message.
4:34 pm – Audrey tells Curtis that she wants to invoke “Section 112” to get Bill back in charge of CTU. Curtis doesn’t understand how getting Bill to dress up like a circus clown is going to help anything, until he realizes that she said “Section 112”, not “Section 212”. He’s still not sure it will work, since a mad Hobbit is a bad Hobbit, not to mention it’ll be a LOT of paperwork.
4:35 pm – Meanwhile, there’s ZERO traffic on the freeway in LA. That ALONE should make the Russians suspicious.
4:35 pm – Manilow and Cheney-Looking-Guy (CLG) are talking about as much as the end of a scene in a soap opera, right before a commercial…lots of meaningful glances, but ZERO DIALOG. …Wait, Manilow tells a little story his father told him about a man named Jed, who was shooting at some food, and wants to know how this fits in with what the terrorists are doing. (I think it’s a race between The Hobbit and Manilow to see who goes completely berzerk first). Manilow starts blaming Mrs. Manilow for the situation she’s in. Now he wants to pray, and wants CLG to pray too. Apparently he doesn’t know that CLG is a Cthulu worshipper, and that would be a REALLY big problem.
4:38 pm – The jig is up! The Hobbit caught Edgar orange-handed! How could he not notice the Cheetoes dust all over his terminal! Chloe sticks up for him, and so does Audrey. The Hobbit has red-shirted security guards with him, so you know he’s kind of serious. The security guards have no idea what they’re in for, since apparently they’re not familiar with Star Trek theory of security guards wearing red shirts.
4:39 pm – Curtis goes against The Hobbit, invokes Section 112! He is one mad little Hobbit.
4:45 pm – Bill is back! Everyone is back into the swing. Manilow finds out that CTU knows about the terrorist plot, and is speechless. Manilow looks mad. They’re about to save Mrs. Manilow.
4:47 pm – Terrorists are in position…. Secret Service goes into evasive manuvers, a missle is shot at the motorcade and top secret service guy looks like he’s dead. The terrorists machine gun the car, pull a flame thrower out, try that…nothing is doing anything to that car. The top secret service guy is alive, and he looks mad! He opens the door and fires on the terrorists, even blowing up the guy with the flame thrower! YEAH! And secret service guy is going to be OK! YEAH!
4:49 pm – Manilow gets the bad news. His wife is OK. The terrorists are going to be mad. Silly Manilow…. terrorists are ALWAYS mad.
More terrorism! Wait, that’s Amercian Idol, tomorrow. At least they warned us.
4:54 pm – Robocop and Jack finally get to where they’re going. That must be one BIG building. They go into a basement, Robocop says he doesn’t know who’s working on the Centox project, and as a senior VP, he is able to sit down at a terminal and actually use it, which is again…unrealistic.
4:57 pm – Robocop leaves, and when Jack goes to check the phones, they’re all dead. Jack checks the door, and it’s locked. He checks the notepad that Robocop left behind, and it’s got a bomb in it. Jack says he feels stupid. I’m guessing that’s an understatement.
4:58 pm – Robocop leaves, telling whoever is on the phone that CTU doesn’t have enough info on them. He goes out to the car, saying Jack will be dead in one minute.
4:58 pm – Jack puts the bomb in small room.
4:59 pm – Robocop remote detonates the bomb, but Jack was safe because he pulled a floor tile and hid there.. He walks out of the room with his gun drawn. That’s our Jack!
4:59 pm – Manilow and CLG are working on a cover story. Phone call from IEST direct to the president, saying that this time Americans are going to get it.
next time – TWO HOURS OF JACK BAUER! MRS. MANILOW TELLS SECRET SERVICE ABOUT THE PLOT! JACK’S DAUGHTER RETURNS! JACK CATCHES UP WITH ROBOCOP! I GET THE CAPS LOCK UNSTUCK FROM THIS KEYBOARD!