I join the folks over on Dave Barry’s Blog on Monday nights to do a Mystery Science Theater” style commentary about the TV show . People seem to like it there, so I’m reposting it here:
5 pm – Bill goes in to see Tony, and the Doctor doesn’t want to tell him about Michelle’s death. Tony has a silly straw up his nose, and Bill tries to keep a straight face while talking to him.
5:01 – The Secret Service agents decide it’d be just fine to let the Russians and Mrs. Manilow stand out in the wide open, because no one would attack them in the wide open.
5:05 – Impecible English Speaking Terrorist (IEST), who apparently has quite a few Terrorist Engineers at his disposal, talks to Terrorist car guy about the plan. You’d think by now that the governement would have screened for this
5:05 – Terrorist car guy calls the boyfriend of The Hobbits sister, and the boyfriend wants to sell the Terrorist guy the Hobbit’s access card. I see NO problem in store for them whatsoever.
5:06 – Manilow starts yelling at Cheney Looking Guy and starts acting manly. Apparently he’s been reading this blog
5:07 – Jack’s calling in on speaker phone, saying that the servers were blown up. Chloe hears this and looks really mad about the servers. Jack’s going after Robocop, who is disguised as a human named Buckaroo Banzai
5:08 – Buckaroo is on the phone, and gets voice mail when he calls. “Dial 1 if you’re a terrorist waiting for a money drop, Dial 2 if you’re a terrorist that just blew up someone he knows, Dial 3 if you’re a terrorist that needs plans for a weapon, Dial 0 to reach an operator”. He dials 2.
5:09 – Curtis is using his cell phone inside CTU, which, as you may have noticed, has cement walls specially constructed to allow cell phones to work right through them, unlike the rest of the country where cell phones can be blocked by a stiff wind.
5:12 – Tony talks to the doctor and pulls out the straw from his nose. He sees the giant cotton pad on his face, and rips it off. The cotton pad, not his face.
Tony goes to the computer, looks up Michelle, and the computer comes up with her record as deceased.
5:17 – A helicopter arrives with Mrs. Manilow and the Russians, and SHE’S MAD! She’s finally figured out that he’s a wimp.
5:18 – Manilow lets President Russian in on the whole plot, except that pesky part where he knew this was all going to happen. He tries to pass off the missle shot at the car and the flame thrower as an “American custom”, but it doesn’t look like President Russian is buying it.
5:20 – Bill goes to talk to The Hobbit, who looks MAD. (Everyone looks mad tonight!) The Hobbit wants to call his sister, who is secretly believes will call Gandalf for some help. He also wants the keycard for Mordor, but the boyfriend wants to sell it. I still see no problem with his plan.
5:22 – Manilow wants to go see Mrs. Manilow, and he backs down from Mrs. Manilow’s assistant, after calling her Ellen and Evalyn Good career move!
5:23 – Edgar has a match! And some cheese doodles! And the right place for where the terrorists might hit… It’s a grocery store! Edgar runs out in a panic, screaming at the top of his lungs, until Chloe points out that it’s a hospital that the terrorists might hit.
5:24 – A terrorist, dressed as an orderly, comes out of the hospital closet…..er, so to speak. He put a canister under gurney. He giggles as he says the word “gurney”.
5:29 – Jack’s outside Buckaroo’s house, talking to Audrey on the phone. She tells him about the hospital attack. He sees Buckaroo’s wife
5:30 – Curtis is on the phone to the hospital, telling him that the nerve gas will go off in about 30 minutes. The hospital guy on the phone tries to tell Curtis that it’s a big hospital, and it’ll take more time, and if he could please have more time to do it.
5:31 – Mrs. Buckaroo looks worried, but stands up to Jack better than President Manilow would.
5:32 – Mrs. Buckaroo looks at the Buckaroo’s Terrorist computer, which appears to be a Mac, which is suspicious, considering that most of them use Windows.
5:33 – Top Secret Service guy goes to see Mrs. Manilow, and she thanks him. He thanks her for the opportunity to shoot people. She squeezes his hand.
5:34 – Cheney Looking Guy interrupts, and she tells him that the president can go “convey” himself. Cheney Looking Guy is mad that Top Secret Service guy didn’t squeeze his hand too.
5:35 – The hospital. Apparently Michael Bolton has entered the building, because people are FLOODING out of it. The hospital admin says that the high risk newborns are stuck there, and Curtis looks concerned they might actually hear the Michael Bolton music.
5:36 – Terrorist guy at the hospital calls IEST guy, and tells him to go to the basement and call from there. Even the hospital has those amazing cell phone friendly cement walls!
5:41 – Audrey give the background on IEST guy to President Manilow.
5:42 – Chloe finds out that Buckaroo has been downloading illegal music files!
5:43 – Jack patiently tries to explain AGAIN to Mrs. Buckaroo that Buckaroo tried to kill him. By blowing him up. Mrs. Buckaroo says that Jack must have misunderstood the bombing, and that Buckaroo must have been joking! Ha! That card! Now she accuses Jack of being a hater.
5:44 – Chloe find a shadow drive on the computer, using that amazing networking software of hers. Mrs. Buckaroo doesn’t know the password.
5:44 – Hospital again, the security there is actually on the ball, having seen the Terrorist Hospital Guy on camera. Curtis takes a few security guards downstairs to find Terrorist Hospital Guy, while taking advantage of that amazing cell phone friendly cement.
5:45 – Terrorist Hospital Guy sets the bomb timer for 10 minutes, because he knows that all major plot twists occur near the top of the hour.
5:46 – Curtis tells Terrorist Hospital Guy to freeze, and when he doesn’t , Curtis uses some bullets to make him freeze. He’s frozen now.
5:47 – Curtis finds the canister on the gurney, and one of the guards tries to touch it because he’s clearly an idiot. Most people would see a scary looking mechanical device sitting on a gurney with blinking lights (the device, not the gurney), having been put there by a terrorist that just got shot and think “Oooo! Shiny!”
5:52 – Hospital again, and the Intel bunny suit guys are entering the building.
5:52 – Chloe won’t be able to analyze the encryption in time.
5:53 – Jack jumps Buckaroo! Mrs. Buckaroo still doesn’t believe Jack. Jack tells her to unlock the briefcase. It’s full of money! Buckaroo tries to convince her that there’s a perfectly innocent explanation.
5:54 – WHOA! Jack shoot MRS. BUCKAROO! Jack threatens to kill her, and Buckaroo tells her that he won’t do a thing. Jack calls an ambulence
5:58 – Remote timer says it’ll go off in 1:11, near the top of the hour, on schedule. They run through a heavily occupied area, and dump it into a glass tank just in time! Yeah, Curtis! I’m not sure I’d take the mask off as fast as Curtis.
5:59 – Hmm… I guess I was wrong about the Terrorist guy in the car and The Hobbit’s Girlfriend and her boyfriend. He shot them. I never saw that coming.