We’re pretty sure that this happened between 12 noon and 1 pm, but we can’t be sure since we were out to lunch and no one was here to answer the phones.
12 noon (3 pm Eastern Standard Time) – The helicopter containing Chloe and Curtis is spinning around violently, and it flies off, trying to stay out of the wind currents RoboEdgar is generating. We see Jack shooting his gun as he falls. He’s shooting at RoboEdgar, trying to get RoboEdgar to stop spinning around in mid-air. Bullets are ricocheting off RoboEdgar, sending them in every direction. As he drops closer and closer to RoboEdgar, Jack slaps himself in the forehead and says “Parachute!” while still shooting his gun. As Jack falls past RoboEdgar, he grabs RoboEdgar by the feet, and begins spinning around too.
12:01 pm (1:01 pm You Spin Me Round Time) – Chloe yells at Curtis to do something. Curtis slaps Chloe and tells her to get a hold of herself. Chloe punches Curtis hard in the face, and tells him that he better get a hold of himself, and that they have to help Jack. Chloe calls Bill to tell him that they’re following Jack. They fly after RoboEdgar as he starts to head back to the coast, Jack still hanging on for dear life.
12:04 pm (1:04 pm Pacific Time) – Secretary of Defense Heller has miraculously landed in a potted tree on the roof of a building after jumping out of his helicopter. He calls Bill to find out the latest status. Bill tells Heller that RoboEdgar is headed to the east coast. Heller panics, asks Bill to tell Audrey that he loves her, and jumps of the edge of the building.
12:05 pm (1:05 pm Specific Time) – At the LA compound, Acting President Aaron calls Russia on the presidential “hot line” to that calls directly to the Kremlin, and hangs up really quick when someone answers. The “hot line” rings, and Aaron waits to pick it up. When he finally does, the person on the other end wants to know why he called. At first Aaron denies calling anyone until the person on the other end points out they have a really sophisticated technology in place that can detect who makes calls, called “Caller ID”, plus the Kremlin is the only place that phone can call to.
12:07 pm (12:37 pm Newfoundland Time) – Manilow wakes up and realizes he’s in deep trouble. He hasn’t fed the parking meter in the lot in an hour. That, and Marwan is back. Manilow runs out of the shop. He runs through the mall saying, “Omigosh, Omigosh, Omigosh, Omigosh”, and nearly passes out from hyperventilating. He tries to get out of the mall, but spins around in a revolving door several times before freeing himself.
12:09 pm (8:09 am We’re Just Waking Up Here Miami Time) – Chloe and Curtis fly after RoboEdgar and Jack, as RoboEdgar gets closer and closer to the water. Jack swears he sees a pink starfish and a yellow sponge wave at him as he rushes over the water. Just before they reach the beach, RoboEdgar starts going even faster. They soar high into the sky, over the buildings and out of sight.
12:13 pm (3:13 pm New York Time….You got a problem with that?) – Manilow gets to his car where a parking officer is writing up a ticket for his car. Manilow tries to argue the ticket and the officer writes him a ticket for being a bad president impersonator. Manilow tries to argue that ticket, and the officer writes him of up for being impersonating a bad president. Manilow decides to cut his losses, and leaves.
12:15 pm (12:15 pm …but for you, 12:05 pm Flea market Haggling Time) – Agent Morris is still on the phone trying to explain what happened with the nuclear weapon. We see that he’s on the phone with the mysterious mastermind that looks like a Hollywood agent. He can tell he’s a mysterious mastermind because he’s wearing a “Mysterious Mastermind” name tag. Hollywood tells Morris to get back to LA right away, because their plan to get Jack away from LA and kill him is almost complete.
12:17 pm (1:43 am Crazy Time) – Curtis and Chloe fly the helicopter they took from the Port of Miami back to the airfield where they landed their specially adapted Harrier jets. Someone has painted them pink and turquoise, which as we’ve noted before, is the law in Miami. Chloe is on the phone with Bill back at CTU trying to explain what happened, and to see if Bill can bring up anything on the screen that would help them. Bill says that Chloe’s CTU computer seems to be broken!
12:23 pm (Stardate 42354.4) – Bill continues to mess around with the computer trying to get it to work. He explains the situation to Chloe to see if she can diagnose the problem. Chloe tells him that he use something called the “On/Off button” on the front of the computer. The computer springs to life, runs down the hallway and disappears. Chloe suggests using one of the other computers at CTU, not hers. Bill sees that RoboEdgar is headed for the Midwest, but doing the calculations of where exactly he’s headed is going to take some time.
12:25 pm (Second Lunch, Hobbit Time) – Secretary of Defense Heller, who survived jumping of the building by doing a series of swings around flag poles that were hanging off the side of the building. He’s walking on a bridge when he stops to call Bill to find out the latest status. Bill tells Heller that RoboEdgar is headed somewhere in the Midwest. Heller panics, asks Bill to tell Audrey that he loves her, and jumps off of the bridge.
12:27 pm (Reset the Timer, The Cylons Are Coming Back AgainTime) – Still slightly disoriented, Marwan argues with the people at the séance table, tells them he has to go to work, and leaves. He heads straight for a home improvement store, and starts stocking shelves. A lady comes up to him to ask where she can find knobs. He turns away from her, and starts talking to thin air: “Door knobs, brass tacks, left handed wrenches and many of your other home improvement items are just some of the things we carry. Come on down to visit our store today. …..Did you get my good side? We can do another take if you’d like. …Hello? Hello?” The lady backs slowly away from Marwan, and goes down another aisle. Marwan continues to talk to a film crew that isn’t there.
12:29 pm (2129 pm Coordinated Universal Time) – Manilow drives up the LA presidential compound and jumps out of the car, causing it to crash because he forgot to stop the car before getting out of it.
12:30 pm (4:BQ Uncoordinated Universal Time) – A CTU agent walks over to Bill and tells him that Audrey wasn’t drunk. She explains that Audrey was completely covered in nicotine patches, and that Audrey might be unstable for the next few hours. Harold asks what horses have to do with that. Bill ignores him to ask the CTU agent how they’ll be able to tell when Audrey returns to her “normal” self since she’s fairly unstable most of the time anyway. We see Audrey in the background counting the fingers on one of her hands, noticing that she has more fingers on the other hand, and repeating this over and over again.
12:33 pm (3,000,000 BC, Time Travel Time)– A guy at the home improvement store walks up to Marwan and asks where they have lawn mowers, and Marwan tells him, “Aisle ’12 I’. ‘I’…as in Infidel!” Marwan shakes his head as if he doesn’t realize why he said that.
12:36 pm (Two days from now, New Zealand Time) – Manilow is surrounded by protesters outside of the LA compound. They’re holding signs, and chanting that Manilow should be out as president. They notice Manilow, and run over to yell at him. Manilow asks if they’ve been watching the news, and one of them admits that they don’t watch the news very much because it’s hard to understand. Manilow tells them that if they’d been watching the news, they’d realize he’s not president anymore, and they’ll have to protest somewhere else. The crowd gets really quiet and one of them asks if that’s really true. Manilow says that it is. Someone else says, “Well. OK then” and tells the rest of the crowd to pack up and leave.
12:37 pm (Two days ago, Old Zealand Time) – Jack is still flying with RoboEdgar, buzzing really close to the treetops. Jack swears that if he sees one more “See Ruby Falls” sign, he’s going to go find Ruby and make her fall.
12:38 pm (Sometime today, What The Heck is a Zealand Anyway Time) – Curtis and Chloe are getting really impatient waiting for Bill, so Chloe calls him back. Harold answers and says that Bill took an early lunch. Chloe goes ballistic and tells Harold to set her workstation up so that she can access it remotely. Chloe pulls out her MP3 player, cracks the back open, and works on the wiring for a minute. The screen for her computer at CTU comes up on the screen on the MP3 player. She watches the screen as she sees RoboEdgar and Jack stop somewhere in Indiana. She tells Curtis this, just as she sees RoboEdgar take off again, headed northwest.
12:38 pm (Quarter past Arthur Weasley, Potter Time) – We watch as RoboEdgar tries to shake Jack off while zooming around a corn field. Finally, after holding on for so many miles across country, Jack lets go and lands in the field. The camera pans back at RoboEdgar flies off, and we see that the crop circle RoboEdgar has left is in the exact design of the Krispy Kreme logo.
12:44 pm (1:44 pm 1885, Doctor Emmet Brown Time) – We see Jack lying on the ground in the cornfield, confused about what happened. He has a cut on his forehead, and his vision is blurred. We watch through his perspective as dark figures approach him. Jack passes out.
12:46 pm (1:46 pm 2015, Marty McFly Time) – Chloe calls Harold to let him know they’re headed for Indiana, and Curtis starts the Harrier jet to take off. The engine doesn’t sound right… It almost sounds like someone has installed speakers on the outside of the plane. They open the hatch on the plane and hear that the plane is playing Buster Pointdexter’s “Hot! Hot! Hot!”, as they take off.
12:48 pm (1:48pm Happy Hour Somewhere Time) – Manilow is finally able to make his way up to the guards after the last of the protesters leave. The guards have no idea who he is, and ask to see his ID. He asks to see VP Scary, but the guards say that he’s been taken away in to a laughing academy. Manilow doesn’t know what that means, and says so. The guard says, “You know… The crazy house? The loony league? He’s out dancing the KookyKabana?” Manilow says, “Oh! The funny farm!” The guard nods, and they sharing a laugh. Manilow says asks who is in charge, because he needs to talk to someone.
12:50 pm (150 AD, Let’s Create an Atlas Time) – Secretary Heller wakes up on the top of a barge that he fell onto when he jumped off the bridge. He calls Bill to find out the latest status. Bill tells Heller that he’s out to lunch and that he’s not sure where they are right now. He also says that the pastrami sandwich he’s having is great. Heller panics, asks Bill to tell Audrey that he loves her, and jumps off the boat.
12:52 pm (36:52 Zed’s Alpha Centaurian Time)– A couple of men in black suits arrive at the home improvement store and whisper something to the girl at the customer service desk. She looks at them funny, and then point to the microphone on her desk. She picks it up and says, “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’re enjoying your shopping experience with us today. If there’s anyone in the store that would like to talk to the people filming their commercials, or would just like to talk a little about the infidel, please come to the customer service desk”. Marwan goes to the front of the store, and the men discuss something with him. They all leave.
12:54 pm (Six Minutes To Time’s Up Time) – Manilow walks into the acting president’s office. Then, he opens the door, and walks into the office where we see Acting President Aaron on the phone with his mom trying to convince her about what’s going on today. Aaron sees Manilow, and Manilow tries to explain that Marwan is back, but Aaron doesn’t seem to believe him.
12:56 pm (1:56 pm, 1955, Time Capsule Time) – We see Jack in a dark room, and a woman who we can’t quite see is mopping his forehead with a wet cloth. She tells Jack that he’s had a fall, and that getting something to eat would be the best thing right now. Jack asks for a peanut butter and Jello sandwich. She tells someone else in the room that she’s concerned about the bump on Jack’s head, and they have to take him to a doctor. A male voice asks Jack his name, and Jack says “Jack Bauer”. Another male voice, says “See! I told you! I knew he was one of us! Now get him dressed so we can go to the doctor!”
12:58 pm (50280 seconds past midnight, UNIX time) – Curtis and Chloe are nearing Indiana, but Curtis isn’t sure exactly where he is. He complains about the lack of little lines that separate all the states like they have on maps. Chloe shakes her head, and tells him to land as soon as he can, so they can get directions.
12:59 pm (One Minute To Go Time) – We see a horse drawn buggy going down a dirt road. As the camera pans around the buggy, we see two men and a woman all dressed in traditional Amish clothes. One of them has a bandage around his head. It’s Jack!
1:00 pm (1:00pm Time’s up Time) – Time’s up!
(PS. Happy Birthday, Dave!)