Last time: Curtis and Jack arrived at the Grand Canyon via the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile just in time to find an explosive-packed toilet in the middle of the tarp that covers the Grand Canyon at night. Ex-President Manilow tried to avoid being confronted by the police at a crime scene, by stealing the headdress of a dancer in Las Vegas. Bill came back to CTU, re-re-re-replacing Madam Haig. Chloe discovered that the Marwans are using the Hokey Pokey toilet company to try to cause riots throughout the nation by installing lo-lo flow toilets at historic monuments and other places where large groups of people gather. Jack and Curtis follow the Marwan brothers to Niagara Falls. The Marwans planned on causing great damage to the falls by setting off a series of explosive charges, but were interrupted by Jack. Jack in turn was interrupted from remaining steady on the wires he was standing on. Marwan has just cut the second wire, which Jack and two of the thugs, who are carrying a toilet packed with explosives, have been hanging onto.
The following occurred between 3 am and 4 am, and is brought to you buy the letters “A”, “E”, “I”, “O”, “U”, and sometimes “Y”.
3:00 am – For the first half of a split second, it occurs to Jack that he really needs to watch more Looney Tunes cartoons, because being able to defy gravity after that rope was cut would come in really handy right about now. The rest of the split second is completely full of Jack thinking a really dirty word as he and the thugs, plus the toilet, fall into the water. The water and Jack are rapidly (no pun intended) headed for the waterfall itself. Marwan laughs as he disappears into the night on the other side of the falls.
Curtis sees Jack fall into the water and tells RoboEdgar to get into the water. RoboEdgar says, “No tanks; Edgar had baff dis week.” Curtis tells him that he meant go get Jack out of the water.
3:01 am – Jack has somehow held onto the wire that was over his head and is trying to pull himself along the wire to safety. The two thugs that were carrying the explosive laden toilet are headed to the edge. Jack struggles with the wire, pausing to try and catch is breath. Suddenly, the wire gives a violent tug and begins rapidly heading for shore. A large explosion goes off sending water high into the sky as the explosive laden toilet hits the rocks near the edge of the falls.
3:02 am – RoboEdgar has attached the end of the wire to a spool that is attached to his forearm and is reeling in Jack. Jack makes it to shore and lets go of the wire. His hands are covered with blood and he has cuts where he was holding on to the wire.
3:03 am – Julian, Marwan, and the remaining thugs are running through the woods trying to make it back to the car they have there. The car is parked right next to a large truck labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. The slogan underneath says, “Yes, it really is what it’s all about.” They pile into the car and drive off.
3:05 am – Ex-President Manilow, in full dancer head dress, sits inside a jail cell in Los Vegas. His escape attempt at the site of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile theft was about as opposite of successful as he could have hoped. The other prisoners in the cell are all packed tightly into the opposite corner, trying to avoid eye contact with Manilow.
Outside of the police station where Manilow is being held, some of Manilow’s followers holding signs and chanting. After a few minutes of confusion when they were chanting for his execution, they realize their mistake and start chanting for his release.
3:12 am – Curtis is bandaging Jack’s hands using a handy first aid kit that RoboEdgar produced from his other forearm. Curtis tells Jack that he really likes his jack knife, which almost makes Jack slug Curtis until he realizes he wasn’t talking about the dive into the water, but the knife that Jack is carrying. Curtis borrows it and cuts the gauze to finish bandaging Jack’s hand.
Jack tells Curtis they need to get onto the Marwan brothers trail again as soon as possible. Curtis looks hesitant about taking another flight via RoboEdgar, but Jack tells him that it’s either that or they can swim across the water. Curtis decides the flight won’t be that bad.
3:14 am – Julian and Marwan are driving at high speed down a rural highway. They pass a sign that says, “Speed limit is like 100 kph, eh?” Marwan asks his brother about the “cure” that he mentioned before. Julian tells him that they’ll get to that soon enough. Marwan turns to the two thugs in the back seat, and leers at them. The thugs start shaking uncontrollably.
3:16 am – The guard at the jail says, “Manilow, you have a visitor”. It’s his wife Martha with several Secret Service agents. She tells him, “Well, well… How the mighty have fallen!” He tries to lunge at her through the bars, but the chin strap on the headdress slips and starts to choke him.
He decides to change tactics, and says, “Martha, won’t you be a dear and pay my bail money? I don’t have the dough to pay them. If you don’t have it, you might be able to use your female persuasiveness on them.” One of Manilow’s cellmates pipes up and says, “Dough? From a dear? A female dear”? The rest the guys in the cell sing, “Ray – a drop of golden sun!” Manilow turns and tells them to shut up. When he turns back, Martha tells him, “You got into this mess — you get yourself out of it.” She leaves.
3:18 am – Curtis, Jack and RoboEdgar are running through the forest in the general direction that the Marwans went. Jack’s JackPhone starts to gurgle, and Jack realizes that he’s got an incoming phone call. He shakes the phone several times to get the excess water out of it, and surprisingly, it still works. It’s Chloe. Jack explains the situation to her, and that they’re now in Canada chasing after the Marwans. Chloe tells Jack that they better get out of Canada soon, because if they’re caught, the US government will have a hard time explaining what they’re doing up there.
3:20 – The group runs into a clearing, and they see the abandoned Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck. Next to it, there are two guys having a beer, pointing out features on the truck. One of them turns and says, “How’s it going, eh?” Jack pulls his gun out and tells them to get down on the ground. The other guy punches the first and says, “I told you we shouldn’t have look at this thing here! You hoser! We could be back at camp drinking a beer, eh?” They completely ignore Jack as they argue with each other. Jack figures that they must not be with the Marwans, so he lowers his gun.
3:22 am – The two guys introduce themselves as brothers Bob and Doug. Jack asks if they saw anyone else come through the area. Doug tells him that a bunch of guys came through, and he heard them say they were going to head to Saskatchewan and then take a left. Curtis comes back around from the other side of the truck and says that it’s empty, but he has RoboEdgar loaded up in back since he’s really filthy. Jack thanks the brothers, and they drive off in the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck.
3:24 am – A cell phone on the dash board of the Marwan brother’s car rings, and Marwan picks it up. It’s the Hollywood-Looking Terrorist Guy (HLTG). HLTG starts yelling at Marwan for diverting from the plan. Marwan waits until HLTG is finished, and then tells him that after he’s done with Jack Bauer, he’ll be out to find HLTG for botching up bring him back from the dead. HLTG hurriedly hangs up the phone.
3:26 am – Marwans drive over the word “Canada”, a white line, and then the words “United States”. They pass a sign with the words “Welcome to North Dakota” written on it.
3:32 am – Jack and Curtis are stopped at a border check point. A customs officer says she is very surprised to see that they’re not carrying illegal toilets, but that they do have a very messy RoboEdgar in the back of the truck. Curtis says that they should have had RoboEdgar fly the Wienermobile with them, because it would have been a lot easier to get through the border crossing.
RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again while he’s waiting for them to finish. The customs officer asks that he not do that. She asks for Jack’s license and registration, and Jack flashes his CTU badge. RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again. She pulls a gun on RoboEdgar who seems completely oblivious to it. She yells to Jack that RoboEdgar has to stop that. Jack yells back to ask why she pulled a gun, and she tells him that they are required to pull guns on dirty double crossers.
3:35 am – The Marwans drive further south into North Dakota, and one of the thugs asks why there’s a “North Dakota” and “South Dakota” but no “North Minnesota” and “South Minnesota”. Another thug punches him in the arm and tells him not to upset Marwan.
3:37 am – Curtis and Jack finally straighten everything out with the customs agents, and are allowed to enter the United States with RoboEdgar. They finally convinced the customs agents by telling them the amount of beer RoboEdgar could consume, and doing a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation about how long it would take for Canada to run out of beer.
3:40 am – A police officer comes up to Manilow’s cell and tells him that he’s finally free to go. Manilow tries to walk out of the cell but forgets to turn his head; the headdress gets caught on the bars on either side of the doorway, and he lands flat on the ground.
The police officer helps him up. Manilow takes off the headdress as he’s leaving the building and walks up to a limousine that he assumes is for him. A window rolls down. Manilow looks in, says, “YOU!” and before he knows it he’s pulled through the window and into the limo. The limo’s tires squeal as it drives off.
3:44 am – Chloe calls Jack and tells him that she has more information about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. From what she’s been able to tell, it’s a subsidiary of the “Bada Bing Fireworks Conglomerate”. She tells Jack that the head of that company is none other than Bada Bing KaChing, the guy they saw in San Francisco. She says that CTU is still looking for him, and that besides the whole lo-lo toilet scam, they’re apparently trying to booby trap the tourist sites to cause a lot of damage and casualties. That was probably why the Marwans attempted a nuclear weapon detonation at The Herald Hunt earlier that day, and the attempts at the Grand Canyon, and Niagara Falls.
3:46 am – Just as the Marwans pass into South Dakota, Marwan tells Julian to pull the car over because he wants to try something. The thugs in the back seat get really wide-eyed and look worried. Marwan gets out of the car, and crosses over into a field where there are a bunch of cows just standing there. He pushes really hard on one and it falls over. He turns and yells back to Julian, “Did you see that? I’ve always wanted to try that!” The cow stands up and snorts. Marwan looks at the cow, and realizes it’s not a cow at all – it’s a bull! He runs for the car and barely gets inside as the bull smashes against the car. Julian is able to pull away from the curb and tells Marwan not to try something like that again.
3:53 am – Julian and Marwan are talking. Marwan says, “So you’re honestly telling me, they have perfectly good mountains in this country, and they’re carving into them? They not only carving into them, but putting giant faces on them? What kind of a crazy country is this?” Julian says that they’ve arrived, and they need to hurry up. Everyone gets out of the car and they start running up a path to the mountain.
3:55 am – Through Curtis’ amazing driving skills, the truck arrives just moments after the Marwans and the thugs disappear up the path. They all get out to look around, but don’t see anything except the car the Marwans left behind.
3:57 am – Curtis tells Jack that they’re going to need to find some lights to see what they’re doing. They go over to a building. The door is locked, so Jack kicks the door in. They go further inside and find an electrical panel. They throw the switch, and lights go on outside. They’re at Mount Rushmore.
3:59 am – “It’s very quiet. Almost TOO quiet”, says Curtis. Jack tells him to shut up and listen. They hear a noise. They look around. Jack scans everything with his Jack Binoculars. Curtis yells, “Oh, yuck!” Lincoln has a booger hanging out his nose! Jack zooms in on Lincoln’s noise with the Jack Binoculars. He says, “That’s no booger! That’s toilet hanging from explosive detonation cord!”
4:00 am – Time’s up!