Previously on “24”: We found out that: President Logan’s new look seems to be a really bad impression of Grizzly Adams; Soon-To-Be-President-By-Explosion Noah is setting the wheels in motion to implement all kinds of repressive tactics, but on the plus side wants to build a very big ark to save the animals; The Russian embassy has explosive doors; Jack really needs to stay the heck out of foreign embassies, because the ambassadors there look madder than Chick McGee after a Redskins loss.
The following summary takes place between 6 pm and 7 pm:
6:00 pm – President Logan enters CTU, but no one is asking for any autographs as he’s lead to a holding room. Chloe goes in the same room to set up a computer, because it has a particularly difficult installation procedure that requires that the software be installed in the presence of an ex-President. Logan really doesn’t like being in that room, and Chloe comes close to tasering him, but decides to leave instead of listening to his questions.
6:01 pm – Bill introduces everyone to child actor Ricky Shroder, who will be playing adult Mike Doyle for the remainder of his stay on the “24” set. Milo starts to whine about the whole “illegal” part of the plan to storm the embassy to get Markov and Jack, which clearly shows he hasn’t been paying any attention to any of the previous seasons. Bill says he wants a comprehensive siege plan on his desk soon, and it better not be an incomprehensive siege plan like last time.
6:02 pm – Doyle asks for the keys to the server, and Chloe says she doesn’t have a spare set but she’ll let him look at the computers if he’s really good. Nadia says she can set up what he wants on the computers, and Doyle proves that he’s as good at spouting technobabble as any of the rest of them. We also find out that Milo and Doyle know each other from something that happened in Denver, and I can only guess that it has to do with Olympic skating and a bet gone bad. That’s only a guess though.
6:04 pm – Jack is being taken downstairs at the consulate, and when he turns the corner we see a body laying at the bottom of the stairs, which is the custom in Russia for bodies. The guy with Jack pushes Jack down the stairs, and calls Markov to confirm that he’s supposed to kill Jack. This gives Jack just enough time to steal a really cool belt from the dead guy, take a face-plant whiff of the dead guy’s shirt. Just as the guy is going to shoot, Jack uses some Kung-Fu Fighting belt slinging to get the gun away. Jack grabs the gun and shoots the guy, who clearly didn’t learn any lessons from The Untouchables and brought a knife to a gun fight. Markov, who has been watching all this on his computer screen, sends a bunch of men after Jack, who uses the old “hide in a storage room” technique to get away from them.
6:06 pm – They can’t find Jack, who’s hiding near the ceiling, but they’ve set up a Russian Perimeter to catch him. This probably won’t work, because Russian perimeters aren’t nearly as good as the American versions. Jack uses the storage room phone, because that’s where they keep phones in Russia, and calls Morris. Unfortunately, is a Soviet-era phone and it hangs up immediately. Jack can only tell Morris that he knows how to find Gredenko. Jack finds a fuse panel. Jack takes a squirrel, which is the expert animal at this sort of thing, and throws it into the fuse panel. This shorts out all the lights in the consulate.
6:08 pm – Milo goes running to Bill to tell him Jack knows where Gredenko is. Bill tells Milo to let Doyle know that Jack is no longer dispensable, since without him the show would end, and they still have twelve hours to go.
6:09 pm – Bill goes to talk to Logan, who has been sitting around. Bill tries to get out of talking to Logan, but when he realizes Logan knows something about Jack and the consulate, he listens to what Logan has to say. Bill tells him about the plan to distract the Russians with some excellent vodka and then they’ll grab Markov and Jack. Logan says it’ll never work because Markov won’t let himself be captured, which is a trick I think everyone at CTU, including Jack, would like to see. Logan seems to think that Mrs. Logan, who has been put away in the funny farm, can help them talk to President Suvarov’s wife. Logan says Martha is in a unique position to help them. Bill points out that hanging upside-down from suspension boots in a strait jacket is indeed a unique position, but he’s willing to help. Logan wants to try and get through to Martha, which I believe involves wearing a tin-foil cap and howling, but we’ll have to see.
6:10 pm – Doyle tells Chloe that he wants three people on each team, instead of five. Chloe points out that the NCAA tournament won’t allow a rules change like that, and to just leave her in peace while she fills out the brackets for the office pool. Doyle ignores this, and wants to know who has the defense figures. That would be Morris who gives a smart aleck response to Doyle. Doyle doesn’t like this and thinks that making Morris lean over in his chair is a great way to scare him, because of people’s natural fear of leaning back in chairs. Doyle makes a little speech about how he’s really tough now, and that he’s switched Rick back to Ricky in real life. He tells everyone that they need to “respect his authoritah”. After the little speech, Milo tells Doyle that Morris isn’t a pushover. Milo says “I thought I was a pain in the ass”, and everyone in the CTU situation room agrees.
6:12 pm – In the presidential bunker, Lennox meets with Noah. Lennox wants to be sure that Reed and the magic marker bomb guy gets what’s coming to them, which he hopes is one of the prisons they talked about in “Office Space”. Noah tells Lennox they’ll be punished but that he has a bigger goal. Noah says, “I just want to keep America United”. Lennox says that he wants to keep Delta Continental, but that this is no time to be talking about airline companies. Noah tells him that it’s really important that Lennox tell the ambassador that Assad planted the bomb that injuring President Wayne. Lennox isn’t too hip about this. Noah sweet talks Lennox into doing telling this and Lennox agrees… a little too soon. Lennox asks what Noah is going to tell the ambassador, and Noah says that he’s going to hold the ambassador’s country to blame for the nuclear weapons, the assassination attempt, Paris Hilton, global warming, squirrel terrorism, and anything else he can think of.
6:20 pm – Fayed finally arrives with the bombs, and goes to admire Gredenko’s crazy hairdo.
6:21 pm – Bill and Noah are on the phone, and Bill fills Noah in on the Logan-Martha-Suvarov-plan, and then giggles under his breath because now that he says it out loud, it seems like a really silly plan. Noah agrees it’s pretty silly. Bill tells Noah about the seige on the consulate, and Noah is uncharacteristically unenthusiastic about the mayhem that would result. He probably never saw The Two Towers. He wants to know how long it will take to get a plan together, and Doyle says that they’re going to go with the “20-minute siege” plan. Bill tells Doyle to take a team, await Word about what to do, Excel and what they will do, and PowerPoint the pistols at the bad guys. Doyle says he’ll take his entourage and leave.
6:22 pm – It’s a beautiful day at the institution, and Secret Agent Aaron is carrying bag of groceries! He and Martha are a couple! Aaron brought magazines, raspberries and kiwi. The produce makes Martha very happy, and she feeds some to Aaron. Logan calls, and Aaron answers, “It’s a beautiful day in Martha Logan’s bungalow!” Martha doesn’t want to talk to him. Logan explains that he’s at CTU, and that it has to do with the nuclear attack. Aaron seems reluctant to let Logan talk to Martha, because it would just be like Logan to blame the whole thing on her. Logan says whatever Aaron thinks isn’t important. Aaron tells Logan that he doesn’t have to put up with any sarcasm anymore, which is interestingly weird, since that was more of a put-down, not sarcasm. Logan says, “Tell her it’s about the Suverovs”. Aaron does this, and Martha immediately grabs the phone. She seems pretty anxious to find out what’s going on, for someone she met for less than a couple of hours, but then again, it was a little bit of human contact during her marriage to Logan. Logan says there’s an international problem brewing, and Martha says that she’s not interested in beer, and won’t listen. Logan tells Aaron that he’s going to take a chopper to see them, and that Aaron should convince Martha to see him. Aaron looks anxious to see how silly Logan is going to look riding a motorcycle, so he agrees.
6:31 pm – Disappointingly, Logan is flying over in a helicopter. Bill tells him that Martha better have the Suvarovs on speed dial, because the Russian consulate will be attacked pretty soon.
6:32 pm – Jack is still running around the consulate basement. It doesn’t appear that he’s shot anyone since the last time we saw him. He looks really anxious to shoot someone soon. He sneaks up on a couple of people with his gun drawn, tells them that he doesn’t want to hurt them but that he will kill them if they don’t cooperate. The man points out that, technically, killing someone is hurting them, but Jack ignores this. Jack asks if they both speak English, and they not only speak English, but they speak gun as well. Jack wants to make a phone call, and tells the guy to go upstairs and grab the satellite phone. The guy looks like he sure hopes it’s been charged up.
6:33 pm – Outside of Martha’s bungalow, the helicopter just landed, and we can tell it did because one of the film crew ran out there and spun the blade on the back of the helicopter just to prove it just landed. Logan tries to shake Aaron’s hand, but Aaron has the good sense not to get Logan cooties and declines. They go inside, and Aaron tells Logan that Martha doesn’t want to see her. Logan tells Aaron that it’s super-duper-pretty-please important that he talk to Martha. She finally comes out, saying “You’ve lost weight. So, this is the new improved Charles Logan. Reborn”. Well, for someone that thinks that Logan is one of the pod people, she seems remarkably calm. Logan tries to explain the twisted plot from the last twelve hours, but without the help from people on a certain blog, there’s no way he can explain it. Martha doesn’t like this, and he finally shows her the fancy Presidential Restraining bracelet he’s been wearing, saying he’s going back to prison. Martha points out that a 10,000 square foot house isn’t a prison, not unless they’re constantly running episodes of “The Apprentice”. Logan tells Martha that she’s the only person that has Anya Suvarov on speed dial, so the country really needs her help. She consults with Aaron, and she finally agrees.
6:42 pm – Nadia talks with a CTU Swat guy in the back of the CTU UPS truck, and he says that after they deliver a few packages, they’ll be right over to storm the consulate.
6:43 pm – Noah brings the ambassador into his office, and starts lying all over the place. Noah says that Assad is responsible for the bombing, shaving a former Mouseketeer’s head, and entire plot line of the first half of the current season of “Lost”. The ambassador is surprised by this, but Lennox confirms it. Noah points out that the country the ambassador is from has got quite a few terrorists, and that he thinks the country is manufacturing them around the clock, like little terrorist beanie babies, only bigger. Noah starts using the “Whatever I Say Must Be True, Because I’m Saying It” tactic, and tells him that he’s got ships off the coast. He can unleash the military on the ambassador’s country. The ambassador seems pretty disturbed by this. He had no idea that the US kept their military personnel on leashes.
6:44 pm – Nadia tells Bill that Doyle will be ready in 15 minutes, which is the top of the hour, when all important plot twisting events happen on this show. Logan is on the phone with Chloe, and wants to know why they can’t get a hold of Anya yet. Chloe is already re-wiring her phone so that Logan can’t call her back, and while she’s doing this explains that it’s all “Russian politics”. He gets off the phone, and Martha starts needling Logan about Aaron being there, and starts cutting up food in the kitchen while she keeps talking to Logan. She must have special permission to use knives at this place. She really works herself into a frenzy before Aaron asks her to calm down. She looks very upset that her contract kept her on this show for another year. She’s so upset that she gets up to go to the kitchen, and then turns around and stabs Logan in the shoulder with her knife! President Tar-Tar! There go her knife privileges. Logan, who is remarkably calm about this turn of events, makes the classic Steve Irwin mistake which is when you’re stabbed with something that goes into an artery, do NOT pull it out yourself. Aaron yells for a medic. They sure have a problem keeping presidents and ex-presidents alive on this show.
6:53 pm – Now Logan is getting Borg implants, and he’s wheeled out. Aaron is on the phone with Bill, who wants to know if Martha can make it through the phone call without stabbing anyone else. They finally get Anya on the line, and Martha starts to tell her about the shiny new handcuff jewelry she has on, but decides not to continue. They start talking about the consulate situation.
6:55 pm – Outside the wall at the consulate, the CTU guys and Doyle are filming clips for YouTube. Inside the consulate, Markov is on the phone with President Suvarov, who orders him to surrender to the Americans and to bring him some of those Fat Burgers when he comes back to Russia. Markov declines. President Suvarov tells Bill he didn’t like Markov’s tone of voice and that it’s just fine with him that the consulate gets stormed.
6:57 pm – The guy Jack sent for the phone comes back with it, and Jack tells him to use the unlock code. The door bursts open, and wouldn’t you know it, the guy who was entering the code gets shot. Who would have guessed that? Jack shoots the guy at the door, but there is a lot of shooting. Jack holds up his end of the shooting, but it’s not going well. Bill tells Doyle to go, and there’s a LOT of shooting outside. There’s more shooting than the last five episodes combined. Jack runs out of bullets, and just as he’s about to be caught, the guys on the outside throw a flash grenade into just that particular room, shoot the bad guys, and save Jack. Jack tries to make a phone call.
6:58 pm – Markov calls Gredenko, tells him that their evil plan isn’t working out as evilly as they hoped, and the they need to launch the bombs right away.
Doyle finds Jack downstairs, and Jack tells him to contact Bill with the information about where the bombs are.
Fayed tells Gredenko to arm the bomb!
6:59 pm – In the ambulance, Logan says, “Martha!” and dies. That makes about eleventy-seven people that died in one episode!
7:00 pm – Time’s up!
NEXT TIME ON “24”: DRONE’S LAUNCH! MOLE AT CTU! THEY TRY AND FERRET IT OUT! I BLAME THE SQUIRRELS!