LAST TIME ON “24″, we found out that: The Russian mafia requires tattoos; Russians turn radioactive when they die; Dana and Chloe have speedy PowerPoint skills; Jack is going to need to speak to someone about getting a refund on plane tickets to L.A.; Renee is on a one-woman mission to stop people from hitchhiking, one thumb at a time.
The following takes place between 8pm and 9 pm.
8:00 pm – In Fictional Middle Eastern Country, a man receives a phone call from Fahrad. The man tells Fahrad that lots of people suspected in the plot against Hassan have been getting free, all-expense-paid tickets to the local police headquarters. Fahrad says that once they have the uranium, everything will be fine. They’ll sneak into police headquarters and when everyone is distracted because their hair is falling out, they’ll get their supporters out.
8:02 pm – Bazhaev, the lead Russian bad guy, is with his son, who is still sick because he watched “Twilight” without protective goggles. Josef, his other son, tries convince his father he can take his brother to, “House”, since he’s just a few minutes before this show and he’s sure they’ll be right back. Bazhaev said that he’d rather his son be taken to the country house instead, so he can die in peace there.
8:03 pm – Fahrad tells Bazhaev that their money will be here within the next five episodes. While he’s waiting, Bazhaev offers him two women, and some coupons for penicillin, redeemable at the closest local hospital.
8:05 pm – Meanwhile, Renee realizes that her impromptu surgery skills, as well as her bedside manner, leave a lot to be desired. Jack’s making a phone call to headquarters, and telling Renee that she’s pretty unstable, even by Jack’s standards. Renee tells him that she’s the best chance they have to get to the Russians, and Jack finally agrees, just as long as she doesn’t start adding more thumbs to her collection.
8:06 pm – The guy wakes up screaming because he’s covered with Kool-Aid. Renee finally calms him down by telling him that she’ll cut him in on the deal for the money she’s going to make, making his cut (“ha ha”) worth quite a bit. She tells him that she’ll give him a hand getting up, which he doesn’t consider remotely funny.
8:07 pm – Jack’s listening to their conversation in a car outside the building, when he gets a phone call from Chloe. Chloe warns Jack that the bracelet is tamperproof. Jack tells Chloe that it’s NOT Renee-proof. Chloe decides not to press the issue and lets Jack know they’re still working on a cover for him and Renee, and by “cover” she means a fictitious background, not a quilt. Renee drives off and Jack follows.
8:09 pm – Chloe talks to Dana about the profile Jack is waiting for, when Dana receives a phone call from her “friend” Kevin. Kevin wants to see her within 30 minutes, or he’ll spill the beans about Dana being an ex-con named “Jenny Scott”. She asks Arlo to cover for her while she’s gone, but not before Arlo attempts some of the worst pickup lines in the history of pickup lines. She leaves.
8:16 pm – At the U.N., Rob comes in to tell President Taylor that Fahrad has been trying to get some weapons grade uranium from the local Russians, who have a weapons grade uranium store down on the Lower East Side. Rob’s really upset about this, because he knows that’s the best source for imported uranium in New York. Rob says that Director Hastings is working on an undercover operation, which fortunately is headed up by Jack, because if Hastings were doing it himself, the best they could hope for is the Russians getting a really stern talking to.
Ethan speaks up and tells that Hassan is closing everything down in Fictional Mideastern Country and arresting a lot of people that even look like they might overthrow something, effectively putting the country under marshal law. Taylor says that Marshal Law would be a good superhero name too, but that what’s important is that doing all this might delegitimize the whole peace accord process.
8:17 pm – Renee and Ziya are still in her car, while Jack follows behind, watching the blood trail that Ziya’s leaving. Renee is pretty disgusted that Ziya’s drinking like a fiend, and not offering her any. Ziya’s surprised that she wants to see Vladimir, given their history. Renee says that she graduated history, and to mind his own business.
8:18 pm – Arlo gets the undercover story to Chloe, who phones it in to Jack. Jack wants to know more about this “Vladimir” guy Renee never told him about.
8:19 pm – Taylor tells Hassan that she’s really sorry about the attempt on his life, which he correctly interprets as her way of saying “I know about the ‘reforms’ you’re doing now in your country”. She’s particularly disturbed that he’s forcing opposition leaders to wear clown makeup in public, because they’ll be easier to see that way. They argue about Hassan’s other methods for keeping control in his country, and he leaves.
8:21 pm – Josef is driving his brother to the country house where he can die in peace, after the horrific overexposure to “Twilight”. His brother thanks him for being so nice, which makes something in Josef snap… he decides that he’s got to take his brother to a doctor.
8:26 pm – Kayla and Dalia talk about staying in New York, and they talk about Kayla’s round about way of saying something that can be interpreted in several different ways, much like talking to someone in Congress. Hassan arrives, and Dalia leaves.
Kayla confronts him about Meredith, whose name neither of them can bring themselves to say. Hassan tells her that he’s having a really bad day: an attempted assassination, his girlfriend got arrested, he might not be able to be the leader in his fictional country any more, and to top it all off, Survivor rejected his application for the upcoming season. Kayla tells Hassan that she’s not going to stay. Chalk up another “bad thing” for his really bad day.
8:30 pm – Renee arrives at her destination with Ziya, and she convinces Ziya to go into the building first because Vladimir “doesn’t like surprises”. Ziya, surprisingly, doesn’t see a downside to this idea, even though it’ll be a surprise that he’s arriving unannounced. He goes into the building.
Renee and Jack talk over their hidden radios. Renee wants to know the cover story, but Jack wants to know about Vladimir. She won’t tell him anything, so they start going over the cover story. Jack is going to be an arms dealer from Munich, who Renee met in Mexico.
8:32 pm – Ziya enters the warehouse, and as expected, Vladimir is NOT happy to see him, especially because of the tracking bracelet. Ziya shows Vlad Renee’s solution for the bracelet, and tells him that Renee has a buyer. Vlad asks Hugo’s advice about the situation. Hugo’s suspicious.
8:37 pm – Cole asks Arlo where Dana is, and he tells her that she’s out waxing her Galactic fighter, back home. Cole gives a very convincing confused look.
8:38 pm – Dana arrives back home, and is surprised that Kevin has already started renting out her apartment to people, specifically someone named “Mick”. Dana tries to pay Kevin off with $500, but he’s not interested in quitting now, and slams her against a wall. Dana has apparently forgotten all about her CTU field training, because he slaps her around. “Mick” watches all this from the coach, like it’s some kind of weird performance art. Kevin knows all about Dana’s job and thinks that somehow, magically, this gives her access to lots of money. Dana really looks like she wants to pull out a blaster and shoot him, or at least point a Cylon in his direction. He promises that if she gets him the money, he won’t bother her again.
8:40 pm – Jack and Renee are STILL going over the details of their undercover operation, when Ziya finally comes back and tells her to come inside. She leaves with Ziya.
8:41 pm – Jack gets a phone call from Chloe, who informs him that the situation with Vladimir isn’t pretty. There were broken ribs, a busted cheekbone, a trip to the emergency room… Jack wonders how Renee could have done all that to Vladimir, and Chloe tells him it’s the other way around. Renee also didn’t tell anyone about this when she was brought in to talk to Hastings. Jack’s convinced that Renee really doesn’t care what happens to her.
8:43 pm – Renee enters the warehouse with Ziya, and is searched. Vlad has had some plastic surgery since Renee saw him last, proving that the Russian mafia is just about like Hollywood when to comes to that sort of thing. Vlad plays “Who Wants To Work With The Russian Mafia” with her for a while until he’s convinced her answers are real, and she’s telling the truth. So, logically, he has both Renee and Ziya tied up and put into the trunk of a car.
8:44 pm – Jack and Chloe can’t reach Renee. A car leaves the building; Jack follows and utters his first “dammit!” of the hour when he realizes they might be off to find a good place to kill Renee.
8:52 pm – Josef and his brother arrive at a doctor’s office without an appointment. Josef has a really excellent threat prepared against the doctor’s family, and a gun, so the doctor decides to help as much as he can. The doctor asks what isotope the brother came in contact with, and when he finds out it’s uranium 235, he realizes of all the isotopes he could have come in contact with, that’s one of the worst.
8:53 pm – Meanwhile, Jack continues to follow the car that left the building. Everyone at CTU is watching this on the CTU Vision screen they have installed. Jack really wants to get out and shoot someone as soon as possible, and eventually convinces Hastings to do so.
8:55 pm – Vlad gets out of the car, and gets Ziya and Renee out of the trunk. This seems to be a pretty good trick to everyone at CTU and Jack, since the car they’re all following is still moving. Jack fell for the old “decoy car not carrying the CTU agent” trick. Chloe searches and finds that Vlad’s car left five minutes later. Vlad, Hugo, Renee and Ziya all walk over to the edge of the dock.
8:57 pm – Chloe finds where they are, and Jack does some Miami style driving to get to them. Curtis would have been proud. Ziya tries to explain, but doesn’t do too good of a job. Vlad shoots him. Renee asks Vlad to shoot her, to get it over with. Vlad asks her for the truth. She tells him that he can’t handle the truth, and that the deal she’s trying to make is all she has left. She repeatedly asks to be shot, so she can leave the show, but he won’t do it.
8:59 pm – Vlad takes this as a sign that she’s really telling the truth, and doesn’t kill her. Meanwhile, Ziya becomes fish food. Except for his thumb.
9:00 pm – TIME’S UP!
NEXT TIME ON “24″: Vlad! Renee goes dark! Jack goes undercover in a Harry Potter disguise! Showers! Yelling! See you next time!