Category: Humor

CTU Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through CTU,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a CPU.
The presents were set by the computers with care,
In hopes that Jack Bauer soon would be there.

The interns were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of thigh-shots danced in their heads.
And Chloe at her computer, and I at my VAX,
Had just rested our brains from last week’s attacks.

When out in the field there arose such a clatter,
I answered the phone to see what was the matter.
I brought up a window, and moused like a flash,
While part of my donut fell into the trash.

The blips on the screen were beginning to show
Lots of activity in the valley down below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a black SUV, kicked in high gear!

With a driver who chased those that would hurt us,
I knew in a moment it must be Curtis!
Chasing bad guys with him was Jack, yelling as they came,
And he shot, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Bye Cummings! Bye, Nina! bye, Salazar and Logan!
No, Navi! No, Dina! No, Henderson or Marwan!
They’re all gone now, we’ve seen them all fall!
We got them! Got them! We got them all!”

As the SUV stops at an airport, they’re ready to fly,
They meet with a helicopter, and mount to the sky.
So up to the building-top the copter they flew,
The flight with Curtis, and Jack Bauer too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Audrey came with a bound!

She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her boot,
And if I had a gun, I swear I would shoot.
She was stealing the toys, things she wouldn’t give back!
We needed Jack back for a Big Jack Attack!

Her eyes they were crazy, her dimples were hairy!
Her cheeks were like Bozo’s, her nose was just scary!
The drool from her mouth had started to flow,
And it was clear she was mad they canceled her show.
The stockings we hung, she held tight in her teeth,
She took all the candy and made a hat of the wreath.
The fur she was wearing was nasty and smelly,
She was bound and determined to get back on the Telly!

Jack finally arrived, and he hid behind a shelf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And charged up his stun-gun, then aimed at that jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his gun,
And jumped out, giving Audrey a stun!

With Audrey subdued, to our team gave a whistle,
And carefully avoided the toe that was mistle,
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he went out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Weird shopping at Woot.com

Since this is the shopping season, I thought I’d mention a few different thing on the Web that are interesting. One I ran across a while ago is Woot.com. This is kind of like a clearing house for merchandise, as near as I can tell. At 12:00 midnight eastern, they put an item of for sale. They call this a “Woot”. Sometimes the deals are pretty good. Sometimes they’re just “ok”. For example, today’s Woot is a Dream’eo Enza 20GB Portable Media Center, which they are selling for $129. I suppose if you’re looking for something like that, that might be quite a deal. (I passed it up). Anyway, it will either sell out before the end day, or it’ll just remain there until midnight rolls around again. Then there will be a new Woot for sale.

Ever so often, they have a “Woot-Off”. A Woot-Off works basically the same way as Woot usually does, but instead of waiting until midnight for a new item to show up, they’ll put a new Woot up for sale as soon as the last item is sold out. What makes this interesting is that you can get some really good deals on things, but you have to be quick.

Sometimes during the Woot-off (and during “regular” days, for that matter) they’ll sell grab bags for one dollar each. You can buy up to three, and you’ll be charged $5 for shipping. They call these grab bags “Random Crap”. Customers on the message boards generally call them a BOC (Bag of Crap), but make up new names using those initials: Bandoleer of Carrots, Bunch of Cartoons, Barrel of Chimpanzees (etc). These things sell out VERY quickly. People post pictures of what they get on the message boards, and sometimes it’s hilarious. People have received stuffed dogs with rainbow afros, strange monkey sculptures, and beaded flag vests.

So, why do they sell out so quickly? Sometimes people get things that are a lot better than that. When I did this, I received a Thermos Pub mug & a camera bag (I think nearly everyone got those), a couple of Gel pens…. and a Geneva Elite Watch! The watch works, and from what I’ve been able to tell, it’s worth about $40 or $50. Other people have recieved a RoboSapien, a Roomba and even a 61-inch television! In fact, when those went out, two people got televisions.

Now, you don’t always get something great. Sometimes things that come are broken. Sometimes you’ll open a box that says “laptop”, only to find a broken laptop power supply. But it is “Random Crap” after all.

Woot.com definitely does not take itself seriously, and it’s worth seeing what goes on there even if you don’t buy anything.

24 – The Next Day: 5 am to 6 am

Last Time: Mount Rushmore was saved when Jack was able to detonate the toilet hanging from Lincoln’s nose with the help of his gun. The people inside the limo that grabbed Manilow off the streets of Las Vegas got fed up with him and threw him in the trunk. Jack and Curtis got sidetracked in Indianapolis by falling for the old “Remote-Controlled-Stock-Car-Going-Around-The-Track” trick. RoboEdgar accidentally dropped the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in the front yard of someone north of Indianapolis. Jack and Curtis chased the Marwan Brothers to the Field Museum in Chicago. The Marwans are somewhere inside, and Jack and Curtis have just arrived on the front steps.

The following occurred between 5 am and 6 am, and was filmed before a live studio audience.

5:00 am – A guard inside the Field museum sleeps at his post as Jack and Curtis pound on the doors. No matter what they do they can’t get the guys attention. Jack finally yells, “Cubs win the World Series!”, and that’s shocking enough to wake the guard up. The guard walks over to the door and Jack and Curtis mouth the words “Let us in” and start doing an elaborate pantomime trying to show that they want to get into the museum. The guard just stands there watching them. He uses an intercom and tells them, “No mimes”. Jack realizes the guard can hear them and tells the guard they need to get inside right away, and that it’s an emergency. The guard tells him that there are public restrooms down the street. Jack tells RoboEdgar to guard the entrance. Jack turns and shoots open the lock on the door. Jack and Curtis run into the museum, and the guard says, “The men’s room is on the second level!”

5:02 am – Julian is convinced he can find the secret to curing his brother’s pending onset of Zombie-itis, and runs frantically through the museum looking for the Tutankhamun exhibit. Under the lights of the museum, Marwan looks about as healthy as an Olympic athlete who participated in 1904.

5:04 am – Jack and Curtis run through the museum trying to figure out where the Marwans are headed. They stop outside the museum gift shop. Jack tries to reach Chloe on his JackPhone, but he can’t get a signal. He turns around and sees Curtis messing around with a coin stamping machine. Curtis says he’s just trying to get a souvenir of their trip, and shows Jack the coin. It’s of the King Tut exhibit. Jack tells Curtis they have to get a disguise and walk into the exhibit to try and take the Marwans by surprise, because he’s sure that’s where they’ll be.

5:06 am – Julian and Marwan are searching through the King Tut exhibit when Marwan suddenly stops and points at a mummy. Marwan says, “Hey! I know him! In the afterlife, that guy owes me money!” Julian stares at his brother for a second, and tells him they have to move quickly to find the recipe for the cure.

5:08 am – Jack and Curtis have broken into the gift shop. They both are putting on disguises to see if they can sneak into the King Tut exhibit posing as service staff. Jack finds a beard and glues it on. He tells Curtis to hurry up. Curtis emerges from the other side of the rack wearing a full King Tut costume, complete with head dress. He tells Jack that he could set down perimeters in style with that kind of outfit. Jack says that he’ll have to go in first with a service cart to see if he can see the Marwans. After that, Curtis will have to follow. Curtis asks what he should do. Jack looks him up and down and tells him that he should walk like an Egyptian.

Commercial

5:13 am – Julian walks to a portion of the exhibit with giant stone tablets hanging inside a glass case. The label on the outside says “Believed to be a tablet of ancient medicines and cures”. Julian excitedly tells Marwan that he thinks he found the recipe. He starts copying down the hieroglyphics onto a note pad. Marwan steps up and looks at the tablet. Marwan laughs, and says that it’s not a tablet that explains medicines at all. Marwan says, “See here? It says, ‘East Nile Guy seeks West Nile Gal for fun, food, and eye make up exchanges.’ It’s a personal ad!”.

5:15 am – Jack enters the exhibit wearing a maintenance jumpsuit and pushing a cart. The Marwans are in the far part of the exhibit and don’t see him. Jack slowly moves towards the Marwans. Suddenly, we hear someone singing:

“Now when he was a young man,
He’d never thought he’d see,
People standing in line,
To see the boy king”

It’s Curtis. He walks into the room singing and dancing, trying to blend in as if he’s part of the exhibit. Needless to say, the Marwans see through this immediately, and start shooting, knocking Curtis to the floor. Jack tries to return fire, but only gets a couple of shots off before the Marwans escape. As they’re running towards the entrance, Marwan tells Julian, “Don’t worry brother, it will all be over soon!”

5:16 am – Jack goes to see if he can help Curtis. There’s large dent in the medallion he’s wearing, but he seems to be OK. He tells Jack that probably wasn’t the best entrance he could have made, and Jack agrees.

5:18 am – The Marwans run through the museum, out the exit and slam straight into RoboEdgar. They fall to the ground, and RoboEdgar looks to see what happened. Thinking quickly, he tells RoboEdgar that there’s a great pizza place around Wabash and Ohio. RoboEdgar ignites his rocket boosters and takes off. Julian turns on a hand held radio, and tells someone to be ready for them.

5:20 am – The Marwans jump into Jack’s car, hotwire the engine and start to drive away. Jack and Curtis burst through the doors of the museum, dive for the car and are only able to grab it by the bumper as the car peels away. Curtis and Jack hang on for dear life as the car goes down the street. Sparks shoot all over the place from all the metal on Curtis’ costume. Jack looks up and sees a bumper sticker that reads, “How’s my driving?”

5:22 am – The car continues down the road, with Jack and Curtis in tow. After narrowly avoiding getting hit by traffic, tail-gaters, and various pieces of road kill, the car screeches to a halt, forcing Jack and Curtis off the bumper. They both tumble into a wall.
They’re at the entrance to Navy Pier. Marwan and Julian don’t even notice that Jack and Curtis were with them the whole time as they race for the doors to the building.

5:23 am – Marwan and Julian each run to a different door. Julian takes out his gun, shoots the lock, and runs inside. Marwan looks at what Julian did, shrugs, and simply opens the door. Marwan shakes his head. Julian’s only reaction is to tell his brother to hurry up. They go running down up the escalator and out of sight.

5:24 am – Curtis and Jack regain consciousness outside of Navy Pier. Jack gets up first and checks to see that Curtis is OK. Jack goes running to one of the doors and slams straight into the glass, which knocks him backwards. Jack shakes his head trying to regain his senses. He sees the other door with broken glass, goes through it, and runs for the escalator.

5:25 am – At the top of the escalator, Jack stops to listen. At first he doesn’t hear anything. Then, off in the distance, he can hear some carnival music start up. He goes running towards the music. He runs through some doors and sees that the Marwans are on a giant Ferris wheel nearly at the top. He runs over to the controls of the machine and shoots it, leaving the Marwans stranded at the top.

5:26 am – Jack uses the JackPhone to tell Curtis where to meet him. Jack hears a noise, and looks up. It’s a helicopter, heading straight for the Marwans! A rope ladder rolls out, and both of the brothers climb onto the rope. Jack tries to shoot them but amazingly misses. He tries to shoot the helicopter and misses. He looks at the gun, points it at a nearby flower pot and shoots. It shatters. Reassured that the gun is actually working, and tries to take aim at the helicopter, which is already out of range. As the helicopter flies away, Marwan waves at Jack.

Commercial

5:31 am – Jack phones Chloe to see if she can spot where the Marwans are headed next. Chloe tells him that they’ve hooked into Chicago’s police dispatch and there’s some sort of commotion going on near Wabash and Ohio, which is only a few blocks away. He tells her to try and find the helicopter that just left Navy Pier.

5:32 am – Outside of Navy Pier, a traffic control officer is writing a ticket for the car that the Marwans stole from Jack and Curtis. Jack and Curtis run out of the building and see the officer. Jack points up in the sky, and yells, “Look! A turtle!” The officer looks up. Jack and Curtis jump in the car, throw it into reverse, and drive off before the officer can turn around to see what happened.

5:33 am – Jack drives down Grand Ave, turning sharply on Wabash. On the corner is Pizzeria Uno, which already has people lined up outside of it, even at this hour. As Jack gets out of the car, a restaurant employee tells Jack that he can order his pizza now, and it’ll be ready by the time they get inside. Jack ignores this, and asks Curtis what he thinks they should do. Curtis says that he’d order the mushroom and green pepper pizza. Suddenly there’s a loud crash just north of where they are standing.

5:35 am – Jack and Curtis run up the block and see RoboEdgar outside of Pizzeria Due. RoboEdgar is standing in front of a man with a hot dog cart. RoboEdgar looks really mad. Jack gets between the man and RoboEdgar and asks what’s happening. The man looks extremely mad and says, “This moron wants KETCHUP on his hot dog! There’s a lot of things I’ll do. I’d shovel snow in my underwear. I’d roller skate down Lake Ave. I’d even swim in Lake Michigan. But I will NOT serve KETCHUP on a hot dog!” Jack finally placates the hot dog guy by buying 50 hot dogs, “all the way”. Curtis mumbles something about it being a little weird that hot dog vendors are out at this time in the morning.

5:37 am – Back at CTU, Chloe has calculated the flight path of the helicopter that left Navy Pier. Suddenly the monitor she’s viewing scrambles. She looks up and all the other monitors in CTU are scrambled too. Bill comes out of his office. He asks everyone who’s been doing pier-to-pier downloads again. Chloe yells up to him that she thinks that they’ve gotten some kind of virus in their system, and it’s shutting all the machines down. She tells him to call Jack to let him know that as best as she can tell, the Marwans are headed to Washington, DC. She tells Bill that she has to get to a working computer to help Jack, and that he better warn the White House.

5:39 am – Chloe runs out of the building, throws a pop can into the “Mrs. Fusion (Slogan: “It kicks Mr. Fusion’s butt”), jumps into her car, and drives away.

5:41 am – Curtis looks like he’s going to be sick. The hot dog guy says he’s never seen anything like it. RoboEdgar is has just finished off his 50th hot dog. Jack says that they need to get going to Washington, DC right away.

Commercial

5:46 am – There’s a large canvas covering the entire Lincoln Memorial. The canvas has a sign on it that says, “Renovation sponsored by The Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. We hear hammering and banging, but can’t see what exactly is happening at the Memorial. It suddenly stops, and we hear screams from inside the work area, and Julian comes racing out.

5:47 am – A streak like a shooting star races across the sky right over the Memorial headed right for the Washington Monument. We can faintly hear two men screaming as the streak passes by.

5:48 am – The streak is on a collision course with the Washington Monument, but at the last moment, we see an arm reach out and grab the tip of the Monument. The streak turns around the top of the Monument several times, and finally stops. It’s Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar. Jack tells Curtis, “Remind me to NEVER hitch a ride with RoboEdgar right after he eats”.

5:49 am – Julian continues to run from the Memorial as if he’s seen a ghost. He pulls out his cell phone and makes a call as he runs. He’s headed heading straight for the Washington Monument.

5:50 am – RoboEdgar takes them safely to the base of the Monument, and Jack tells Curtis to get rid of the Egyptian disguise. Curtis starts to do so. Jack tries to take off the fake beard he’s been wearing since they were at the museum, but it’s really glued on tightly, and he can’t remove it. He tells Jack, “You’ll just have to leave it that way until we have time to take it off properly”. Jack tells Curtis that he does NOT like looking like Grizzly Adams, and continues to try and remove the beard.

5:52 am – Elsewhere in Washington, a limousine stops in a parking lot. Two large men get out of the car. They go to the back of the car, open the trunk, and pull Manilow out of the back. They take him back to the car, and throw him inside. For the first time, we see that Hollywood and Janosz are the people that grabbed Manilow off the street in Las Vegas. Hollywood is speaking on the phone, and tells the person on the other end of the line, “Just take care of it!”

Hollywood turns to Manilow and says, “I want you to cooperate with us. If you don’t, you’re going to get hurt”. Manilow nods, and asks what he has to do.

5:54 am – Hollywood says, “We need someone on the inside of the White House, now that you’re gone. The Marwans are working on their part of the plan, but if it fails, we need someone on the inside to help cover things up.” Manilow says, “I’m the right person for the job! I remember where nearly everything is in the White House. I lived there before, you know”. Hollywood says, “Don’t be stupid. I’m talking about Janosz here. I need to get him a job inside the White House as some sort of security consultant. The news of your part in what happened with the Russian President yesterday hasn’t reached all of the security personnel yet, so you’ll be able to bring Janosz into the White House. He’ll take it from there.”

5:56 am – Manilow says, “They’ll never believe that he’s not a spy! I mean, listen to him talk! He’s got outrageous French…er, Portuguese, er, Arme…uh, whatever that accent is, it’s not going to work.” Hollywood says, “Then you’ll have to figure something out, because you need to get him into the White House.”

5:58 am – Manilow and Janosz are pushed from the limousine just outside the White House. Manilow tells Janosz, “Follow me”, as they walk towards the guard house.

5:59 am – Jack’s JackPhone rings. It’s Chloe. She says, “Jack! A virus hit the computers at CTU! I can’t do any of my surveillance from there. I had to drive home to get onto the public Internet to see what I could find to help you. I’ve found a website that might help us catch the Marwans!”

6:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME: THE FINAL EPISODE OF “24 – THE NEXT DAY!”

The 2006 Herald Hunt

Imagine thousands of people running around Miami looking for a bus terminal so they can tell a bum there the word “Booger”. Imagine standing on a beach, looking at a pair of giant dice while a rabbit runs around saying “What’s up Doc?” Imagine giant inflatable pool balls sitting in various locations around town, without explanation.

Weird dreams? Well, sort of. It’s what you’ll see at the Herald Hunt. The Herald Hunt is a fantastic puzzle game put on by Miami Herald masterminds Tom Shroder and Dave Barry.

I wasn’t able to go to the Herald Hunt this year, but a couple of friends of mine did. One of them, Andy Wenzel did a fantastic job documenting the Hunt this year, on his website TropicHunt.com. (Why “Tropic Hunt” and not “Herald Hunt”? Tropic Hunt was the original name, until the demise of Tropic Magazine, the magazine supplement to the Miami Herald).

Be sure and check out TropicHunt.com!

Update: Andy (The TropicHunt.com Guy) Wenzel and I worked on a special write-up of The Hunt which incorporates “24” in the form of a report from Chloe. Hope you like it.

24 – The Next Day – 12 am to 1 am


Last Time: Jack and Curtis narrowly escaped a dynamite attack by the Marwan brothers, and survived thanks to the acrobatic capabilities of their SUV. Chloe she tasered Haig to keep her from impeding Chloe’s progress, and set up a command center at CTU to find out how the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company has been involved with the Marwans. Julian and Marwan went to Thugmart to pick up more thugs, since they keep running out of them. Jack and Curtis arrive at Thugmart while Julian is still inside, just in time for all three of them to see Marwan coming over the hill with a LOT of zombies from a nearby cemetery store.

The following occurred between 12 am and 1 am – Oh, no! That’s when the monsters come out! Wait, that’s 10 pm – Anyway, never mind, they’re already here!

12:00 am – Marwan continues toward the parking lot. The zombies following him aren’t going to very fast, which is making Marwan pretty mad. He tries to get them to move faster by insulting the tombstones they were buried under, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Jack tells Curtis to get ready for the incoming zombie attack.

12:01 am – Inside Thugmart, Julian makes a panicked phone call to Hollywood’s headquarters, and demands to speak with Janosz. Janosz, who has a really weird accent, gets on the phone and excitedly asks Julian how Vigo is doing. Julian says, “For the last time, Marwan IS NOT Vigo!” This is still confusing for Janosz, but Julian continues anyway. Julian tells Janosz that what he’s really worried about are the zombies out in the parking lot, and wants to know why Marwan is leading them. Janosz gets really quiet, and asks “What zombies?”

12:03 am – Jack tells Curtis that any minute now, the zombies are going to attack so they should be ready to go.

12:04 am – Janosz laughs nervously, and begins to explain zombies to Julian (click here to hear it and read along!):

“You see, sometimes bringing back the dead from the great beyond works quite well. I can tell you that many members of congress have transitioned quite nicely, with some notable exceptions.

“Now, by ‘sometimes’, I mean that usually what will happen is that the person that gets brought back turns out fine. There is the odd occasion where they start turning pale, they don’t bleed if they get hurt, and then it’s straight to the complaining.

“They’ll say, ‘I’m hungry! Were can I get some good brains around here?’ Then you try and tell them, ‘No! You can’t have any brains!’ and they’re all like, ‘Oh, pleeeease? I really want some! I’m kinda hungry! Can’t you spare a little bit?’ – You know? And it just doesn’t work out, because eventually, you know, they go for you – and that’s not good. They’ll be chasing you around, and they’re not that quick, but eventually they’ll find you. So, what’ll happen is, you’ll be sitting around for a couple of days, minding your own business, watching a football game, and then you’ll hear some scraping on the door. You’ll ask ‘Who is it?’, and they’ll say, ‘It’s me’. And you’ll say, ‘Oh, what do you want?’ And they’ll say, ‘I want your brains’, and you’ll say, ‘No, you can’t have my brains’. Then you have to leave, because if you don’t leave, they get a WHOLE bunch of their friends, and they come over and they start pounding on the windows and the doors, and they’re like ‘Let me in!’, and you’re like, ‘No, I don’t want to do that’. They keep banging on the door anyway, and then they’ll get in the ventilation system – and you don’t want that because it just stinks the whole place up. Then you have to leave. So you leave for a few days, you go some place else. And what happens? Shamble-shamble-shamble. They follow you. And then they find you, again, and it’s the same thing over and over. So pretty soon, you have to do something about it, because they can get a whole bunch of friends. The only way you can really get them is to chop their heads off – cause once that happens, they’re gone.

“But, you know, these are the kind of chances we take when we bring them back. Sometimes it turns out good, like I said – sometimes not so much.”

12:06 am – Jack tells Curtis to get into flank two position, because the zombies will be here really soon. Curtis says he could have put about a hundred perimeters around the zombies by now. He suggests that he and Jack get closer to the zombies and start shooting, but Jack tells him that they should to stay put.

12:08 am – Julian asks Janosz whether or not this is going to happen to Marwan, and Janosz says that if Marwan has the ability to command the dead, then it’s only a matter of time before Marwan starts going after brains too. Julian doesn’t look to happy about this, but asks what to do about the immediate problem of the zombies.

12:10 am – Curtis checks his watch, and Jack tells him to be patient.

Commercial

12:15 am – Marwan has resorted to going behind the zombies and pushing them. That doesn’t hurry them up as much as it makes them fall face forward into the dirt.

12:16 am – Jack and Curtis poise themselves as the zombies finally get into range. Just as they’re about to shoot, Julian setups out of the Thugmart, and starts singing the following to the tune of “She’ll Be Comin’ ’round the Mountain”:

A zombie travels around in circles, yes it does!
A zombie travels around in circles, yes it does!
It rises up from the grave,
It tries to do “The Wave”,
It must learn to behave,
Yes it does!

12:17 am – The zombies have all stopped, started moaning even louder than they were before. It appears that they’re having problems dealing with this tune. Some of them are holding their hands to the ears, while others are trying to snap their fingers and stomp their feet to the beat of the song, but aren’t quite getting it.

12:18 am – Curtis yells at Jack, and tells him, “GREAT! How am I going to get THAT tune out of my head?” Jack calmly replies, “I’m a little more interesting in seeing how THEY are going to deal with it”, and points at the zombies.

12:19 am – Now that about half of the zombies are disabled, Julian switches tactics and sings the following song to the tune of “MacArthur Park”:

Marwan’s Zombies are trudging in the dark
All their feet, and bodies slowing down
Someone left the cakes out with the brains
I’d run, but I don’t think that I can out-fake them,
‘Cause it’d take too long to stake them,
And I’ll never use that recipe again!
Oh, no!

Curtis still has his hands over his ears, and tells Jack, “That doesn’t even make any sense! You can’t stake zombies!”

12:21 am – Now the rest of the zombies are holding their hands to their ears too, trying to figure out a way to make the song stop. Marwans yells at Julian, “What have you done??” Julian shouts to Marwan, “Go for the car!”

12:22 am – The zombies are in between the Marwan brother’s car and where Jack and Curtis are standing. Jack tries to fire at the Marwans and the thugs as they make their way to the car, but the zombies catch the bullets and don’t budge. The tires of the Marwans’ car squeal as the car goes in reverse, turns and drives away. Jack, Curtis, and the zombies are left out in the parking lot.

12:23 am – Curtis and Jack reload their guns and continue to fire at the zombies, but they finally run out of bullets. Suddenly, one of the zombies that has been humming the song to itself pulls it’s own head off! The head has a look of satisfaction at finally stopping the song, and the zombie keels over, dead. Again. For good this time. The other zombies see this happening, and all start pulling their heads off too. There are zombie parts everywhere.

12:24 am – Curtis and Jack run back to their car. A voice over the loud speaker outside of Thugmart says, “Clean-up in the parking lot” as Curtis and Jack drive away after the Marwans.

Commercial

12:28 am – Jack calls Chloe to let her know what just happened, and to see if she has any explanation for that. Chloe says that she can’t really blame them for wanting to tear their own heads off to try and keep those songs from playing over and over again in their heads. Jack asks her why in the world Julian would destroy a zombie army like that, especially one that Marwan controlled. Chloe says she doesn’t know, but she’ll add that to her analysis.

12:31 am – Marwan is yelling at Julian for making them give up on the zombies. Marwan says that some of the zombies were close personal friends of his, and he’s sure that none of them would have done a thing to hurt Julian. At least pretty sure. The thugs in the back of the car are all huddled up together, and they look scared. One of them is sucking his thumb.

12:33 am – Jack asks if Chloe knows where the Marwan’s car is right now. Chloe tells Jack that she has no idea, because she’s been working on information about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. Jack asks if there’s anyone at CTU that can help them find the Marwans. Jack hangs up and continues to drive in the general direction that the Marwans were driving in when they left.

12:35 am – A pizza delivery guy comes into the conference room which Chloe is standing in, and asks if she’s Chloe O’Brian. He hands Chloe a $300 bill for pizza topped with apple strudel, and asks for payment. She asks him why she’s the one getting the bill. He tells Chloe that the guy in the next conference room is the one that said she was in charge. Chloe storms out of her conference room into the one across the hall.

12:37 am – Standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by pizza boxes, is RoboEdgar. His face is covered in strudel and pizza sauce. He smiles at Chloe as she walks into the room, and tries to give her a hug, but Chloe tells him to back off. The pizza delivery guy walks in, and Chloe turns to tell him that the secretary at the end of the hall will be able to handle that for him, and to reactivate the Edgar account. He leaves.

12:39 am – Chloe tells RoboEdgar that he’s going to need to help Jack to try to find the Marwan brother’s car. She tells him that he’s not to stop for any fast food on the way, which makes RoboEdgar look really disappointed. She promises him a bacon-wrapped Ho-Ho when he gets back from helping Jack. She tells RoboEdgar to fly off and go help Jack. RoboEdgar does this, and then calls CTU maintenance to repair the hole in the roof that RoboEdgar just created.

12:42 am – Now that Marwan has finished yelling, Julian patiently explains to his brother why he let loose of the zombies. Julian tells Marwan that he might be turning into a zombie. He also believes that there may be a cure for becoming a zombie, but they have to head out of town before Marwan gets the urge to start eating brains. One of the thugs in the back seat passes out when he hears this.

12:45 am – Julian pulls up to a drive-thru to pick up some food, since they haven’t eat in quite a long time. He orders some burgers and drinks for himself and the thugs in the back of the car. Julian asks Marwan what he wants, and Marwan puts his hands up in front of him in a grabbing motion and yells “BRAINS!” Julian looks shocked, and Marwan starts to laugh, telling Julian to lighten up. All of the thugs in the backseat have passed out. Julian tries to laugh off the joke, but doesn’t look too convinced. He tells Marwan that the revenge on Jack Bauer has to end now, because they have commitments to their backers that they must carry out. They drive down the street, and take an exit onto the expressway.

12:48 am – Chloe calls Jack and tells him that RoboEdgar is on the way to help. Jack asks Chloe if she’s mad at him, since RoboEdgar doesn’t seem to be the stealthy type to help secretly find out where the Marwans are heading. Chloe says that she’s sorry, but it is the best she can do at the moment. She says that the research she’s done indicates that the executives from the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company are having a retreat somewhere north of Las Vegas, and there’s every indication that they are going to meet with the Marwan Brothers there.

12:50 am – A sign on the expressway, indicates exits Phoenix, Flagstaff, and “Just if it wasn’t clear, head north of Las Vegas”.

Commercial

12:55 am – After a grueling five minute drive, Curtis and Jack arrive at a large desert area north of Las Vegas. Jack calls Chloe to tell her that there’s really nothing out here but desert, and a really long chain link fence with warning signs on it. Chloe asks Jack to give her the latitude and longitude of where he is right now. Jack tells her that they’re near 37 degrees, 14 minutes North, and 115 degrees and 48 minutes West. Jack’s call to Chloe goes dead.

12:56 am – Jack turns on the light in the car, and looks at the phone. He hits it with his hand a couple of times and Curtis suggests using the buttons would probably make it work a lot better.

12:58 am – The phone rings again. It’s Chloe, and she tells Jack they have to get out of their RIGHT AWAY. Jack asks why they need to leave, since they just got there had haven’t found Marwan yet. Chloe says, “You’re in the wrong place! You’re near Area 51!” The phone line cuts out again.

12:59 am – Curtis says he doesn’t like the sound of this at all, and goes to start the car. The lights of the car flicker and go out just as the engine dies. Jack’s phone is turned off too. They hear a loud humming noise, and then a bright light from above shines through their windshield.

1:00 am – Time’s up!

24 – The Next Day – 10 pm to 11 pm


Last Time: Julian runs away from Jack and company after mistakenly trying to shoot them with a toy phaser; Jack heads back to the zoo, in search of Audrey, but can’t find her; Madan Haig at CTU tries to solve the Marwan Brother problem using PowerPoint slides; Jack, Curtis, and a CTU tactical squad are cornered by the worse enemy they’ve ever faced, Marwan, his brother Julian, and hundreds of AOL customer service reps.

The follow occurred between 10 pm and 11 pm, which is good for you, because we have free unlimited night time calling rates.

10:00 pm – Under the harsh lights of the abandon warehouse alleyway, Jack and Curtis face down Julian and his gang of hundreds of AOL customer service representatives. Julian says, “You see Mr. Bauer? I have assembled a vast army of vicious AOL customer service reps! …. Well, not so much assembled, because I didn’t take them from pieces and put them together from some ACME “Customer Service” kit, because that would have been cost prohibitive and there are way too many people here to have assembled in that time. When I say assembled, I mean that I brought them together from near and far, but not too far, because then they would have had to drive here and then wanted their parking validated since we don’t have any valet parking at this sort of ‘terrorist scrimmages’ as I like to call them.” Marwan punches his brother in the arm and tells him to get on with it.

10:02 pm – Curtis turns to Jack and says, “What is it with that guy and his rambling speeches?” Jack tells Curtis that he has a plan that just might save them, but in case it doesn’t they have to be ready to run like the dickens. Curtis asks what the heck a “dickens” is, and Jack ignores him as he turns to face Julian. Jack yells, “That’s a pretty good group you’ve assembled there. Where did you did you get that idea — on the Internet? I bet you had to use a lot of different Internet accounts to avoid being caught.”

10:04 pm – Julian replies, “It was simpler than you might think, Mr. Bauer! I received many offers for free AOL accounts through the mail, signed up for them all, and used the various accounts to retrieve my messages!” Curtis mumbles to Jack that he wonders why the bad guys always feel the need to reveal their plans and tactics when they think they’re winning. Julian continues, “That is how I was able to meet all of these people with machine guns trained on you right now. Now that the plan is complete, all I’ll have to do is cancel the accounts to completely cover my tracks!”

10:06 pm – With those words, all of the AOL service reps turn towards Julian and run to him, each of them explaining the importance of keeping a subscription with AOL.

10:07 pm – Jack yells to Curtis and the CTU tactical unit, “Get the heck out of here! As soon as those AOL reps finish with Julian, they’re coming after us!” Looks of horror on all of their faces, plus the fact that they’re all satisfied with their Internet service providers, they all run into one of the warehouse buildings, while the Marwan Brothers run in the opposite direction, being chased by the AOL reps.

Commercial

10:13 pm – Jack is on the Jackphone with Chloe, who is back at CTU. Curtis and the tactical units have deployed into the warehouse to find out what’s there. He wants maps of the layouts of the warehouses, schematic diagrams of the electrical systems, and tactical layouts of the entire area. Chloe asks him if he wants fries with that. Jack tells her that, yes, he does want fries with that, and a serving of “Why Are The Marwan Brothers At The Warehouses” on the side.

10:15 pm – Curtis and one of the CTU tactical officers, easily identifiable by his “CTU Tactical Officer” T-shirt, comes in and tells Jack that he is going to have to see something for himself.

10:16 pm – They enter an office. Curtis points to a wall that has a safe with an open door. Curtis says that he put is left hand in to search the safe, and then he pulled his left hand out. Then he put is left hand back in there, and he pulled it out again. This time, there was a piece of paper stuck to it, and so he had to shake it all about to get rid of it. Jack asks Curtis if that’s what it’s all about. Jack looks at the piece of paper. It’s a letter from the Hokey Pokey Toilet company.

10:18 pm – Jack reads the letter, and tells Curtis that it is a letter outlining the company’s plans to lobby Congress to pass a law for 0.8 gallon “low-low low-flow” toilets, and the make them the standard toilet for all new installations, effectively outlawing the 1.6 gallon toilets in standard use today. In the margin, there’s a note, written in pen, that says, “Consult with Marwans.”

10:19 pm – Jack asks why the Marwans would be involved with a toilet company, especially a toilet company that’s lobbying Congress. Curtis says that he’s not sure, but considering he HATES the 1.6 gallon toilet he has now, he’s going to REALLY hate these new 0.8 gallon toilets, and he’s not going to take this sitting down. The tactical officer asks if his tactical team should stay here, hidden, in order to flush out the person responsible for the letter. Curtis tells him that it’s probably too late, and Jack interrupts to say that if he’s about to do another bad pun, he’ll have arrest someone and throw them in the tank.

10:22 pm – Jack calls Chloe with the new information, and tells her to find out where the Hokey Pokey toilet company is located. Chloe tells him that if he would just learn to use all of the features of the Jackphone that she built for him, he’d be able to look this up for himself. She looks it up, and is about to tell him when he interrupts and says, “Let me guess – Flushing, New York.” She agrees that was a good guess, but they’re actually located in Why, Arizona. Jack says, “What?”. Chloe corrects him and says, “Why”. Curtis says, “I thought he played third base?”

10:24 pm – The CTU tactical unit check to make sure that that coast is clear to make sure it’s O.K. to leave the warehouse, while Jack and Curtis walk right out of the warehouse and leave to go back to CTU.

Commercial

10:29 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at CTU, and Chloe is waiting for them at the door. She tells them that Madam Haig is really upset because Jack keeps leaving CTU out of the loop while he’s out running around. Jack asks Chloe if Haig realizes what he’s actually doing out there is dangerous, and that he doesn’t always have time to call in while he’s being shot at. Chloe said that isn’t the reason that Haig is upset. It was Jack’s turn to bring the donuts to work this morning, and he forgot.

10:31 pm – The Marwan Brothers are driving down the street, and Marwan is ranting at Julian. Marwan is very upset that they haven’t been able to kill Jack Bauer, that they’re running out of money, and that nearly all of the thugs, villains, sidekicks, goons, and hooligans they’ve been using have either fled, been arrested or been shot. The phone rings, and Julian answers.

10:32 pm – The Hollywood Terrorist mastermind is on the phone, and wants to know what happened with the plan to attack Jack Bauer at the warehouse. Julian says, “We had Bauer cornered like a hospital bed’s sheets; I mean that you could have bounced a quarter off of it! The bed sheets, not Bauer. He proved to be a much more difficult person to actually shoot in so much as there wasn’t very much shooting as there was more running away and screaming. The down side of that was that we were the ones running away and screaming and Jack was doing more of the escaping thing. I think next time he should be a lot less ‘escapey’ and a lot more ‘capturey’ or even ‘deady’. The best thing that….”.

10:34 pm – Hollywood interrupts, and wants to know whether how much money they have left. Marwan points out that they’re actually pretty low on cash, and have resorted to checking under seat cushions and handing in bottles to obtain the deposits back. Hollywood suggests that they find some money right away, because hiring more lackeys is going to cost money, and if they want to get Jack Bauer, they need to do it soon, because they need to get to Flagstaff right away.

10:36 pm – Just as Hollywood hangs up, Julian points to a mall where an armored car being loaded up with bags. His brother agrees that’s a great idea, and Julian slams his hands into the steering wheel, saying it’ll never work, because the mall is closed, and that means that the Orange Julius is probably closed too. Marwan smacks Julian on the back of the head, and points to the armored car. Julian finally gets the idea, but looks disappointed when he realizes he won’t be getting a frozen drink tonight.

10:38 pm – The two security guards outside of the mall are continuing to load up the armored car. One of the guards says, “Have you ever noticed that when someone says ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here’, that it’s that exact time when something exciting happens?” Just as he finishes this sentence, Marwan and Julian, masks pulled over their heads, point guns at both of the security guards. The guard says, “SEE?! I told you that always happens!”

Commercial

10:43 pm – Jack is with Chloe, going over the information they have about everything that’s happened today to see what the Hokey Pokey Toilet company has to do with what’s happening, and more importantly, whether they can make any predictions about what’s going to happen next. Chloe says, “Oh, sure – What am I, a mind reader?” Jack says, if this toilet proposal actually makes it through congress, there are going to be a lot of really mad people.

10:45 pm – The guards have taken all the bags they’ve been loading onto their armored car, and have nearly finished loading everything into the back of the Marwan’s SUV. Julian says, “Well, I bet that’s the last time you say, ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here’ isn’t it?” Just as he finishes saying this, a group of people wearing dark sunglasses and really bad toupees come out from behind the bushes and point their guns at the guards and the Marwans. The apparent leader of this new group points his gun in front of him, and orders the guards and the Marwan Brothers to put everything in the back of the group’s station wagon, which is just driving up. Someone says, “Psst! His glasses!” One of the other members with a particularly awful toupee spins the leader to face the Marwans and the guards, and the leader repeats his demand. The person driving the station wagon drives it right into the armored car, and the driver starts yelling, asking who’s stupid idea it is to put on dark glasses in the first place.

10:47 pm – Back at CTU headquarters, Curtis notices a blinking dot on her computer monitor, and asks Chloe what it is. Chloe patiently begins to explain that the blinking dot on the computer screen is called a “cursor”, and Curtis interrupts, saying he was talking about the blinking dot on the map.

10:49 pm – Chloe realizes that the blinking dot on the map is a report of a robbery taking place at the mall. She types a few commands into her computer, and tells Jack there is a 95.5815162342 percent chance, based on the traffic patterns in the area, the wind direction and the barometric pressure that the Marwans are at that scene. Jack says, “Wow! Really?” Chloe laughs, and says, “No, we just identified it by their license plates”. She points at the screen, which is zoomed in on a license plate that reads “I H8 JACK”. Jack and Curtis leave.

10:53 pm – The badly toupee’d group at the mall is still pointing their guns at the Marwans and the guards, while the leader of the group is over by the station wagon yelling at the driver. The driver of the car says, “I didn’t mean to do it! It’s these stupid glasses, President Manilow”. Manilow pulls off his dark glasses, and says, “Great! Just great! How in the heck are we going to escape now? You know we’re short on funds and this is the only reason we had to do this!” There are squealing tires, and as the group turns to look, the Marwan Brothers are in their SUV, speeding off towards the exit of the mall.

10:55 pm – The Marwan Brothers’ car goes barreling out of the parking lot of the mall, right in front of the SUV that Curtis and Jack are in. Jack points at the license plate, and says, “It’s them! Follow them!” Curtis says that he’ll get right on that.

10:57 pm – The Marwan SUV finds and exit to the freeway, and drives onto it. The CTU SUV follows. The freeway is completely clear. Curtis tells Jack it’s because this is one of the freeways in Los Angeles that no one ever uses.

10:59 pm – Jack tries shooting the Marwan’s SUV, but keeps missing. Marwan leans out of the passenger side of their SUV, and throws something towards the CTU SUV. Jack takes aim and shoots Marwan in the arm! The object that Marwan threw lands right in the middle of the hood, right by the windshield. It’s a stick of dynamite!

11:00 pm – Time’s up!

24 – The Next Day – 9 pm to 10 pm


Last Time: Julian, who looks remarkably like the doctor on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, has joined forces with his brother Habib Marwan. With the help of Chloe, Jack was able to disarm the bomb on Audrey, and free her from the cage filled with snakes and monkeys, much to the relief of the monkeys and snakes. Chloe, Curtis and Jack arrive on a college campus, where the students are recruiting for their campus club activities. Curtis found out he’s a bit of a perimeter making celebrity, Jack discovered that Manilow’s new job as a TV evangelist has gotten him some followers. Oh, and Julian has a weapon pointed at Jack right now!

The follow occurred between 9pm and 10 pm, but we didn’t get it to you in less than thirty minutes, so this one is free.

9:00 pm – Julian points the weapon at Jack, says “Mr. Bauer, you’re about to die. Die! A horrible death! It’s REALLY going to hurt! Not your run-of-the-mill hurt either. No. It’s gonna be like if you had a whole bunch of paper cuts, and they got some salt in them, and they itched, and got infected, and then you couldn’t find a Band-Aid, so you try to use Bactine, but it really stung, and then you slipped on some gravel, the really sharp kind that hurts when you walk on it with bare feet, and the gravel has had hot sauce recently sprinkled all over it, and it got into the paper cuts after you fell! That kind of hurt!”

9:02 pm – A student walks past Jack, stops dead, and drops his backpack. He says, “Oh, no, not you!” Then he sees Julian, and says, “Uncle Julian??” It’s Bahrooz! Jack sees Bahrooz and whispers, “Bahrooz, listen carefully. You have to go to Julian and whack him over the head.” Bahrooz looks at Jack like he’s crazy. Bahrooz completely refuses, saying he’s isn’t carrying his terrorist killing shovel. In fact, he’s not carrying even so much as a gardening trowel. Julian starts to protest, saying he can hear everything they’re saying, and that he’s going to shoot them both unless they shut up.

9:04 pm – Jack squints at the weapon, and takes a step forward. Julian says, “One more step, and I’ll shoot this phaser at you!” Jack says, “Where did you get that weapon?” and takes another step forward. Julian says, “Oh, the heck with the hurting part. I’m just going to kill you!” He tries to fire the weapon, but nothing happens. Bahrooz grabs his bag and runs away. Juliean quickly looks over at the table where he got the phaser. The people at the table, recruiting for the Star Trek club, all wave at Julian. Julian looks and sees that there are other phasers on their table, all marked “Toy Phaser”. He takes his phaser, throws it at Jack, and says “Until we meet again, Jack Bauer!”. Julian runs away, and the guys from the Star Trek table all run up to Jack to ask for his autograph, blocking Jack from following Julian.

9:06 pm – Chloe and Curtis run up to Jack and ask what all the commotion is about. Jack signs a few pieces of paper, autograph books, and a couple of Spock ears as he tells Curtis and Chloe about the Manilow followers, Bahrooz and Julian. He points in the general direction of where the Manilow followers were, and then sees they’re all gone.

9:08 pm – Jack tells Audrey to call CTU and see what they have on “Julian Marwan”, and what the story is with the television studio they were at earlier in the evening. Audrey doesn’t answer, which is fortunate, because if she did, she’d have some sort of magical powers, since she wasn’t with them in the first place. Jack looks at Chloe and Curtis, and asks where Audrey has gone to. Curtis says that they must have left her back at the zoo, because she didn’t come with them to the college. Jack says they have to head back for Audrey, in spite of complaints from Chloe and Curtis.

Commercial

9:13 pm – Hollywood is on the phone with Marwan. Marwan tells him that he has some good news and some bad news. Hollywood says if the “good news” has anything to do with car insurance, he’s going to shoot Marwan himself. Marwan says that in that case he just has bad news: Jack Bauer escaped Julian. Hollywood asks what he means by “Bauer escaped Julian”. Marwan says that it’s not so much “escaped” as fled…with Julian doing the “fledding”. Hollywood asks if that’s even a word. Marwan ignores that, and tells Hollywood that they have to meet in order to come up with a new plan.

9:15 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis arrive at the zoo just as the last of the police cars pulls away. One of the zoo guards is about to lock the gates when the group runs up to him and describes Audrey, and asks whether she’s still in the zoo somewhere. The guard says all the monkey cages are locked and the exhibit is closed. They explain that Audrey is actually a woman, not a monkey, but it still takes a little bit to convince the guard that they’re not lying.

9:17 pm – All of them, including the guard, look in the zoo. They look everywhere. The guard calls everyone over when he finds Audrey, but it turns out it was just an ostrich.

9:19 pm – Marwan arrives at Hollywood’s secret hideout while talking on the cell phone to Julian, and they’re arguing. Marwan tells Julian that he doesn’t care what it costs, he’s not going to do it. He tells Julian to get over to Hollywood’s hideout right away, and hangs up. Hollywood looks at Marwan and tells him that he better do whatever he can to get Jack Bauer, or else. Marwan looks confused for a minute, and then realizes Hollywood’s mistake. Julian wanted him to sign up for the family plan on his cell phone.

9:22 pm – After extensive searching for nearly four solid minutes, everyone decides that Audrey can’t be found anywhere in the zoo. Curtis did find several shell-shocked monkeys, but Chloe attributes that to them being in the same cage as Audrey earlier that night.

9:23 pm – Jack gets on the Jackphone and calls CTU, telling them they need as much information on Julian Marwan as possible. He tells Madam Haig that they’re all coming back to CTU, and to please have a change of clothes ready, because after everything that happened yesterday, and everything that’s already happened today, they really need to change clothes, especially if they expect to sneak up on someone without giving them a warning whiff first.

9:25 pm – As they drive along the expressway, Jack looks up and sees a blimp above the city with a lit sign that says, “Happy Anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Steve, September 6th, Twenty Wonderful Years”. Jack wonders how they could get that big of a message on one blimp.

Commercial

9:31 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack arrive at CTU, grab the clothes laid out for them and go to change. A minute or so later, they all come back out, take one look at each other, go back in the dressing to exchange clothes, since they’re all wearing each other’s clothes.

9:33 pm – Marwan plots with Hollywood while they wait for Julian to arrive. Marwan says his supply of thugs and lackeys is running low, but Janosz is there watching them, so he doesn’t expect anything to happen. Realizing what he just said, he calls Janosz just to be sure.

9:34 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis have finally changed into the right clothes, and go to meet with Madam Haig while men in toxic hazard suits go to the dressing rooms to remove their old clothing.

9:35 pm – Madam Haig is in the conference room, and the room is full of analysts. Up on the screen is a PowerPoint presentation on the screen showing a fifty-six step plan to get Marwan and Julian. Haig is in the middle explaining the possible tactical advantages of using paisley instead of camouflage for CTU combat clothing.

9:37 pm – Julian arrives at Hollywood’s hideout. Hollywood asks if he was followed, and Julian says there was a Star Trek: Voyager series, but as far as he knew that had nothing to do with his previous work.

9:39 pm – Back at CTU, Curtis whispers to Chloe that maybe a “PowerPoint Poisoning” attack like this on Marwan would work. Chloe agrees. Jack looks really impatient, and finally can’t stand it anymore. He stands up and tells Haig that unless they act right away, Marwan and Julian are going to do something really bad. Jack continues, “And speaking of ‘bad’, what the heck was that television studio doing?”

9:41 pm – Haig tells the room that in an effort to make CTU “more accessible”, the Homeland Security Department licensed the rights to things that happen in CTU to a TV program, where they can be shown to the general public. Jack asks her what about the word “Undercover” is it that she doesn’t understand.

9:42 pm – One of the CTU agents, Howard, who has been working downstairs runs into the room. Then he gets up, opens the door, runs through the door, and announces they’ve found out where Marwan and Julian are right now! Jack asks where they are, and after getting detailed instructions, Jack asks Chloe to stay behind at CTU because he’s going to need some high powered computer work here. Curtis and Jack leave. Chloe plugs in her taser to recharge.

9:44 pm – Madam Haig calls Chloe into her office for a full report. Chloe goes upstairs, and instinctively tries to grab her taser, but realizes she left it downstairs.

Commercial

9:50 pm – Curtis and Jack arrive at a set of abandoned warehouses along a long street. Jack calls Chloe on the JackPhone, but Howard answers. Jack asks him where Chloe is. Howard says that she’s been ordered to Haig’s office, and that he’s supposed to help Jack.

9:51 pm – Jack doesn’t like this, but he presses forward anyway. He asks Howard which warehouse Marwan is supposed to be in. Howard tells him that he’s at the warehouse just outside of where Jack is standing. Jack orders Howard to get CTU tactical agents to their location right away.

9:53 pm – Ten CTU tactical agents arrive, all dressed in paisley. Jack looks surprised. Jack tells Howard what a good job he’s done. Curtis hands Jack a megaphone, and Jack calls to Marwan, “Marwan! Give yourself up!”

9:55 pm – There’s no sound from the warehouse. There’s quiet a commotion at the other end of the street though, while someone tries to get a stuck warehouse door open. The group turns to see Marwan, Hollywood and Julian walking out of the warehouse. They’re about to get into a car when they notice the CTU group at the other end of the street.

9:57 pm – Jack reminds himself to ask Chloe to train Howard on the basic art of map reading. Jack calls to Marwan, “Marwan! Give yourself up!”.

9:58 pm – Marwan is just about to speak when Julian steps forward, and says something. Jack says, “What did you say?” into the megaphone. Julian yells, “Can you hear me now?” and a LOT of people come out from building doors, pillars, and poles. Julian holds up his cell phone and tells Jack that this HIS network.

9:59 pm – Jack tells his group that everything’s going to be OK, because it looks like they’re a bunch of cell phone company employees. Curtis says, “Uh….Jack? I don’t think so!” and points. Jack looks and all the people pull out machine guns. Jack says, “This is worse than I thought! The Marwan Brothers are using the people who do customer service at AOL! They won’t go without a fight!”

10 pm – Time’s up!