Previously on “24”, we discovered: Heller plays pick up sticks with pills; Chinese spies travel via UPS; The Chinese President looks like Gorbachev; Chloe can hide in her sleep; Jack thinks he can stop bleeding by yelling; Audrey was about to be recaptured, ending the story on a happy note, but we have one hour left for her to somehow screw that up for everyone.
The following takes place between 10pm and 11 am, which is kind of weird, even for “24”:
10 pm – Audrey’s still on the bench. Cheng told her not to move from the bench, or she’d be killed. So, of course, Shao wakes back up, only being mostly dead. Shao attempts to tell Audrey to stay the heck away from her, but Audrey tries to help her anyway, and the sniper kills Shao. Cheng tells Audrey not to move and that he double-swears-cross-his-fingers-hopes-Jack-dies that he really, really means it this time. Audrey sits back down, looking like the worse person ever to feed pigeons, ever.
In the Russian embassy, which at the moment is completely devoid of Russians, Mark, Kate and Jack search for something to tell them where Cheng is. Jack discovers a secret compartment, marked “Secret Compartment – Hit Here!” in a drawer. It’s got a cell phone! Jack uses the dead Deputy Minister’s dead thumb to unlock the phone, and it has three messages on it. It has three e-mails about money for a shipment! They guess that’s where Cheng is going to be, since they were all signed “Hugs, Cheng”.
Mark’s phone rings, and he’s horrified that someone sent him a picture of Audrey. Cheng calls, and tells them all that Audrey will die instantly if they go after him. For some reason, they don’t immediately go sprinting out of the building after Cheng.
Mark tries to argue that they need to save Audrey. Kate and Jack both look at him with an “oh well!” look. Then Mark gets really personal and tells Jack, “She loves you!” Jack immediately does what anyone else in would do in the same circumstance… he yells, “SHUT UP!” That was a very mean thing of Mark to say.
Kate and Jack discuss tactics further, and they decide Kate will go after Audrey. Jack is going after Cheng.
10:07pm – For some reason The President decides he wants to tour make-shift CIA headquarters and shows up there right during the middle of this crisis. Fortunately, all the military tactical personnel and equipment has moved as well, and in under 15 minutes. The military guys tell Heller that the Chinese are heading towards Okinawa. They all want to raise the nuclear alert level.
Chloe stumbles out of the woods looking like she really misses her workstation. A passing car stops. A couple jump out of the car, tell her that she looks just like “Chloe..you know, on ’24′!”. She asks to use their cell phone. She calls Jack.
Chloe tells Jack that Adrian isn’t going to be releasing secrets any time soon, and that she wants to help Jack in any way she can. She convinces Jack that he should trust her, and he drives to pick her up. She signs autographs for the couple while she waits.
10:13 pm – Heller is on the video phone with the President of China. Heller does exactly what many Americans do when speaking to foreigners, he talks very slowly. It turns out that the Chinese President speaks English better than Heller does. Heller warns him that if the warships cross the twelve mile limit, there’s going to be a fight!
Cheng arrives at the dock in his UPS van full of his guys. The captain says they’re going to leave in fifteen minutes. Cheng wants to use express delivery, but the captain warns him that they’re not going to be able to get them to speak passable Danish any sooner than 15 minutes.
At in the middle of nowhere, Jack drives up and Chloe gets in the car. Jack asks, “What the hell happened? You OK?” Chloe replies that’s her new makeup, and he shouldn’t be so judgmental. Also, she got banged up getting away from Cheng.
Jack tells Chloe where the laptop is, and she writes some subroutines while they discuss what happened. Chloe believes that Adrian used her knowledge to build the override device. That makes perfect sense, since Chloe is the only person on Earth that could build a device that could mimic her capabilities in getting into systems. She feels this is all her fault.
Chloe wants to know why Jack is alone, because perimeters are hard to make with only one person. He explains that they need Cheng alive, which surprises Chloe, since most people Jack goes after end up dead. Jack further explains that Audrey is pinned down by a sniper. Chloe doesn’t see much wrong with this, since it is Audrey after all, but when she sees the look of distress on Jack’s face she apologizes again.
10:16pm – Audrey, still on the park bench looks really nervous, especially since she didn’t ask Cheng if she could go to the bathroom before she started to have to sit still.
Audrey’s phone rings! She looks down at it, presses the button… it’s Kate! The very first thing Kate tells her to do is don’t do anything that makes it looks like she’s in communication with anyone. And ESPECIALLY don’t look down at the phone and press a button. Doing something like that would be SURE to tip off the sniper.
Kate tells Audrey to answer a couple of questions. Audrey stomps her foot on the ground answering “Yes” and “No” questions. Kate determines that Audrey has no idea where the sniper is, but thinks she has a good way of figuring it out. She’s going to make Audrey move around a bit so the sniper will shoot at her when she makes a sudden movement! Sound like a completely safe plan to Audrey, so she goes along with it.
Audrey suddenly jumps up, and instead of ducking for cover, she moves straight towards the building she’s facing. In exchange, the sniper gives her a bullet. In her park bench. (Not a euphemism). While this was going on, Kate watched for the sniper and thinks she knows where he is.
The sniper calls Cheng and tells him what just happened with Audrey. Cheng says that if the sniper sees anything unusual, such as sudden movement towards the house where the sniper is, looking down at a cell phone, not crying when shot… he has authorization to kill Audrey.
Kate calls Jack to let him know they’re going to try to take out the sniper. Jack suggests that Kate shoot him, instead of trying to date him.
Jack and Chloe arrive, and Belachek is there waiting with a nice gun for Jack. Chloe can’t get online to change her Facebook status, so she makes a run for the nearby satellite dish she spots. She runs off; Jack follows and yells for her. She stops, and Jack shoots a very dangerous looking door, which does not return fire. Jack thanks Chloe for everything, and asks her to pay off his satellite bill after she hacks into it.
10:24 pm – Kate calls Audrey. Audrey AGAIN looks down at the phone and presses a button, which is apparently is completely not suspicious to anyone. Kate tells her as soon as she hears gun fire, do NOT run towards it. Run away. Audrey stomps the ground once, indicating she understands. In her own little Audrey way, she understands.
Chloe’s spent the last few minutes building a compete ISP using the satellite dish, a spare telephone and an empty bottle of Guinness. She’s got an infrared Predator view of the cargo ship and will help Jack navigate through everything to kill some bad guys.
Jack and Belachek take out five guys immediately as they make they’re way through the cargo container area at the dock. Then, just for fun, they try practice some Olympic Synchronized Sniper Shooting and take out two more simultaneously. The judges award a 10 out of 10, but seem very nervous as they hold up their cards.
10:26 pm – Jack and Belachek continue to make their way across the cargo area, occasionally pointing at midair, which they use to scare midair. They make it to the boat, and to celebrate, they shoot another guy. Chloe informs them that there are about a dozen other “heat signatures”, which is CIA talk for warm bodies that are about to become cold bodies. Chloe thinks that Cheng is near a communication tower, since a lot of guys with guns are near it.
Inside that tower, Cheng’s best hacker has figured out that someone is screwing around with the area’s satellite dish, since he can’t get the Food Network very clearly. Cheng asks the captain to contact his men, who unbeknownst to Cheng, if they could contact him at this point, would be contacting him from “the other side”. When that doesn’t work, Cheng tells his hacker to do something about it. The Chinese hacker guy tells Cheng he’s going to try to mirror the intruder’s screen. Cheng tells everyone to find whoever is on the ship.
Chloe tells Kate that she has to make her move right away, or they’re going to have one less Audrey pretty soon.
Cheng gives the kill order!
The sniper, who’s been sitting there with the scope on Audrey this whole time takes a couple of seconds to really line up the shot even better. Kate runs out and yells “Peek-a-boo!” and shoots at the window. Audrey leaps, but only moves a few feet away so she can see what happens. Another agent joins in on shooting. The sniper, being thrown back by all the gun fight, falls forwards instead of backwards, and out the window – dead!
Since there is no possible way there was more than one Chinese agent in the area, they all feel pretty comfortable with Audrey being out in the open. Kate calls Erik while they stand around. Kate informs Erik they they need some CIA help, and that they’ve got Audrey. Erik seems completely bewildered about what’s happening, which is right in line of everyone else who has ever been in charge of something Jack is associated with. Erik orders guys over to help Jack.
Chloe is busy freaking out that someone is messing with her Internet, and tries to get it back, because she was right in the middle of posting something to Twitter.
Cheng pulls a gun and orders the captain to start the engines, and that they’re leaving. The captain tells everyone of his guys to leave. For some reason they don’t get the heck away from Cheng, and start the boat engines.
Jack and Belachek hear this, and Jack tells Belachek to go downstairs and do whatever he has to, to stop the boat.
Chloe, Audrey and the other agents take a leisurely stroll back to the gate where their cars are parked. Someone suddenly runs up and starts shooting in their direction! Two agents go down, and the guy runs off.
They all turn around, and Audrey discovers she’s been shot! Kate yells a lot, which is what Jack did to try and stop the Russian from bleeding, but it doesn’t work. Audrey cries one last tear, and closes her eyes. Jack is NOT going to be happy about this. Unless she comes back as a zombie. Which might have already happened. We’re not sure.
10:36pm – At makeshift headquarters, the military guys are pretty pumped up about unleashing military stuff but Heller tells them to wait. Someone comes in and tells Heller’s assistant he needs a word. The assistant gets the news (which we presume is about Audrey) and he makes every effort not to jump for joy.
Back on the boat, Jack and Belachek get into position. Kate decides this is the perfect time to tell Jack that Audrey is dead. Jack looks really bewildered. He pulls out his hand gun… he looks like he’s about to do something really bad to himself. He hears some guys coming and decides to go all Jack Bauer on them, and mows a bunch of them down as soon as he sees them.
Jack calmly walks through the kitchen area, shoots a couple of guys and then shows off his knife skills by throwing a butcher’s cleaver at someone, killing him.
Down in the engine room, Belachek’s gun convinces the guy starting the engine to start stopping the engine.
Upstairs, Jack makes his way into the room where Cheng is. One of Cheng’s guys goes out to see where Jack is. It turns out that Jack has a knife waiting for the guy’s throat. This, as you might imagine, hurts enough to where Jack is able to steer the guy back into the room using him as a shield. Jack shoots the other people in the room, and then finishes off his human shield, just to be sure he’s really good and dead.
Cheng tries to shoot Jack, but Jack kicks the gun out his hand. Cheng tries to use martial arts moves on Jack, but they can’t counteract Bauer-Fu. Jack is so on fire with his moves that Cheng tries to use a fire extinguisher on him, but that doesn’t work. After breaking Cheng’s arm, Jack takes him down, telling him, “You should have stayed hidden like a rat! You’re going to die an old man!”
Meanwhile, the Chinese carries have crossed the line and Heller tells the military guys they have permission to start fighting, which gets them super excited. Right at that moment, Jack calls in, so Heller tells them to stand down. This gets the military guys super-unexcited.
Jack, somehow, has a video call going back to Makeshift CIA Headquarters, and he shows everyone that Cheng is alive. CIA links with the Chinese, so they get the same video feed, which probably surprises the Chinese because they had an unlisted number.
While the facial recognition software does it thing, Gavin wishes he was using some of the apps on his phone, because they can do facial recognition much more quickly.
Jack yells at Cheng to admit who he is. Cheng doesn’t say anything. Jack notices that the room they’re in has all the standard issue Danish ship equipment, including a samurai sword. Jack grabs it and holds it to Cheng’s neck, yelling at him to say who he is. Cheng finally say, “I’m Senior Chang!” and they get a facial and voice match. CIA confirms, and the screen goes blank.
10:42 pm – Heller leaves the room. And The Assistant With Audrey News goes with him.
Now off camera, Jack tells Cheng, “This is for Audrey!” He attempts to give Cheng a really close crew cut, but misses and cuts off his head. That’s going to be a little awkward to explain.
Heller is on the video link with The Chinese President That Looks Like Gorby telling him that since Cheng is alive, this proves everything that he’s been saying all along. The Chinese President says he’ll look into it. Heller tells the Chinese President, now would be a good time to turn the ships around, since they’re getting towards the end of the program, and having an all out war at the end of the season would be a bad way to end things. The Chinese President agrees, and orders his ships turned back. We hear swearing from over where the military guys are.
The assistant tells Heller he better sit down for the news he’s about to give him. The assistant tells him the news about Audrey, and Heller falls to the floor. Mark looks on, and realizes something bad has happened.
Jack and Belachek run to find Chloe back where she was hiding…but she’s not there! And there’s Chloe blood on the ground! Jack gets a phone call. It’s someone asking if he’d like to switch his long distance service. He hangs up. He gets another call, but we can’t tell who it is. All we know is that Jack will be there for a meeting that’s being set up.
10:50 AM – Twelve Hours Later! Whoa! Sorry… I must have dozed off.
Kate hands in her report to Erik. Erik tells her that it wasn’t her fault about Audrey. Kate gives him a look as if to say, “DUH!”. She still looks upset though. We can tell even after she goes into her glass office. She lays down her badge and gun, and leaves.
Mark’s in a holding cell crying about his really bad day. Erik comes in and informs him he’s won an all expense paid trip to Levinworth. Mark asks about the President, and Erik tells him they won’t be dating anymore.
Prime Minister Frye tries to comfort Heller as Audrey’s casket is unloaded. Heller admits he’s losing his memory, and he’ll never remember what happened to get him on this show in the first place. He walks Audrey’s casket along with the military guard escorting it.
10:55pm – Somewhere outside London, a helicopter lands, because they do that freely around London. Jack and Belachek arrive. There are people holding guns on Jack everywhere. It’s the Russians. And they look very Russian.
It’s an exchange for Chloe! They take her out of the helicopter. Jack and Chloe start marching for the exchange. When they meet in the middle, Jack tells her the she really is his best friend and asks that she look in on his family.
When Chloe is safe, and Jack is with the Main Russian Guy, Jack does the typical Jack thing and threatens him. Jack says that if Chloe or his family is messed with in anyway, he’ll come out of another retirement and do another “24″ show. Maybe even one that is “24″ episodes this time.
Jack gets on the helicopter with the Russians as Belachek and Chloe run for the car.
The helicopter takes off.
11:00 am – TIME’S UP! THAT’S IT!
Thanks to my friend John, who does a quick read on these things before I post them, correcting a zillion mistakes (I counted once….one zillion) so I sound better than I really am.
Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read these things too.
Most of all, thanks to Dave for hosting all this crazy stuff for us and playing along with these posts I do. Without him, we’d all be loose on streets on Monday nights, and nobody wants that.
[note: I post these over on Dave Barry's blog while the show is running first, and then here].