1:00 pm – Weasel is spilling his guts about the plot, Manilow is mad, apparently that Jack almost caught him going along with Weasel’s plan from last hour.
1:02 pm – Jack declares Weasel is telling the truth. He used his Jack “I can tell if he’s telling the truth” powers. Jack still looks mad that he couldn’t use his knife on Weasel.
1:05 pm – Manilow wants Jack to stop the terrorists! Jack play coy for a while, and then says he’ll do it.
1:06 pm – Stylish terrorist punches another terrorist when it’s suggested they go back to Russia. Says that the clothes aren’t stylish there.
1:07 pm – The Hobbit gets a phone call from “Jenny”, who’s a junkie and his sister, and she wants $500. Now, there’s a plot line that fits right into everything, and you could see from a mile away. HOW are these people getting personal CTU cell phone numbers?? He says he’ll meet her in 20 minutes.
1:08 pm – Satellite activated triggers on the canisters! Brilliant!
1:09 pm – The Hobbit says that if they can find a way to open the canisters, it could mean a lot of dead people, dwarves, and elves.
1:09 pm – Stylish terrorist gets a phone call from a terrorist customer service guy (TCSG) that will tell him how to arm the canisters.
1:10 pm – Jack’s traveling by helicopter, gets the info about terrorist customer service, and why that guy hasn’t been laid off and outsourced to another country yet.
1:11 pm – Chloe disses Edgar about getting in computer hacked, and wants Spencer to help. She tells him he doesn’t know the difference between “Fortune cookies” and “Fortran cookies”. Ha! That minx!
1:12 pm – Audrey gets a phone call from Jack. Even her cell phone ring tone is whiney! She just told Jack that she’s afraid of him exposing himself…. ….To people that don’t know he’s alive. Jack asks her to bring his daughter to CTU.
1:13 pm – Stylish terrorist drives his inconspicuous big rig truck cab into a repair shop, and wants the guy there to do something with the canisters.
Commercial – Harrison Ford! See, now THAT’S who Jack needs to hang out with when capturing terrorists.
1:18 pm – Manilow is on the phone, mad that he isn’t being updated. (It’s been 13 minutes). Mrs. Manilow walks in and starts talking about the old days, back when they used to talk, she used to give him advice, and he used to try to have her committed. Ah, the old days. Mrs. Manilow hits him! He looks as stunned as when he found out that he was president!
1:19 pm – Bald White house guy comes back, Manilow apologies to him, and wants to keep Mrs. Manilow around. Now, Mrs. Manilow is reading HIM the riot act, and we find out who really wears the pants in the family. She wants him to issue a message to the press! Now, THAT’S a good plan.
1:20 pm – Chloe wants Spencer wants him to hack her “proprietary network”.
1:22 pm – Jack’s helicopter lands. Good thing those don’t make noise, or TCSG would hear ’em coming. He’s taking an elevator down stairs.
1:23 pm – Stylish is one the phone with TCSG, asking how to cut the canisters. Typical customer service, he doesn’t say “Be careful when cutting into deadly toxic gas canisters”.
1:24 pm – Terrorist customer service building: Jack’s in the lobby, Spenser hacks the cameras and turns ’em off. Lobby guard is grabbed by Jack. Still hasn’t shot anyone, and he’s handling the guard roughly, but hasn’t hurt anyone. Lobby guard tells TCSG’s body guards (TCSGBGs) that everyone is OK….
1:25 pm – …Except him. Jack hurls him into the elevator buttons, but the elevator doesn’t move any faster. TCSGBGs are suspicious, and call terrorist customer service guy. He picks up on the first ring! No recorded message! Completely unrealistic!
1:26 pm – Elevator opens! SHOTS FIRED! Dead guards upstairs!
1:27 pm – Jack shoots Terrorist Customer Service Guy! Millions of people on the phone, on hold during the show, scream in celebration.
1:28 pm – Jack breaks into a bedroom, and finds TCSG is a real sleeze…he’s keeping a girl in there.
Commercial – Several unrealistic commercials in which people dance with Pepsi’s which don’t explode, and NASCAR in San Francisco streets.
1:32 pm – Stylish is telling the guy in the machine shop guy how to cut the canisters. He’s doing it with a saw machine of some sort. Says he won’t kill him.
1:34 pm – Jack helps the girl out of the bedroom, and asks for a medic. Tells the medic NOT to give terrorist customer service guy anything for pain.
1:35 pm – TCSG wants a lawyer and smarts off to Jack! NOT a good idea.
1:36 pm – Jack: “Trust me, you don’t want to go down this road with me”. TCSG: “Go …To….Hell!” (Oh oh).
1:37 pm – Jack gives him a big smack attack. Curtis applies some “pressure”. TCSG wants a deal for all his assests, AND the girl (Inessa). Not likely with Jack around!
1:38 pm – Hobbit wants him to accept the deal! Bad bad Hobbit. Bill and Audrey look like they’re mad.
1:38 pm – Jack tells TCSG that he’s been told to accept the deal, and TCSG says “remember, I want Inessa”.
Commercial: Commercials about Death (movie: Final Destination) and Taxes (Turbo Tax). (As Dave says, “I’m not making this up”).
1:43 pm – Jack wants to know where TCSG is, doesn’t know where Stylish is, and says he only met him by phone 30 minutes ago. Ha! Lies! It was 34 minutes ago. Says they got fixed up by a commander for some foreign terrorist dating service. Jack gets on the phone to Bill at CTU. He finds out she’s been kidnapped and she’s FIFTEEN. TCSG is a SUPER sleeze.
1:44 pm – Jack says TCSG can’t have the girl. TCSG says she goes with him, or the deal is off.
1:45 pm – Chloe wants Spencer to give Edgar the info on what he’s working on. Spencer tries to make up with her, and she tells him he’s out of CTU. Edgar looks happy that Chloe did that.
1:46 pm – Mrs. Manilow is writing speeches for Manilow. Of course, we know that going public with POISON GAS CANISTERS IN THE HANDS OF TERRORISTS is always a good idea.
1:47 pm – Bald White House guy wants Manilow out in the west hallway, but won’t say why.
1:48 pm – Machine shop. Sawing complete. Stylish opens the canister, and to his horror, it’s running Windows 95.
1:48 pm – Weasel hung himself by his belt, while being guarded by a crack staff of agents. (New show motto: “24 – It’s Not Just For Kids Anymore!”) We’ll all miss Weasel. Yes, he was a Weasel….but he was OUR Weasel.
Commercial – Nerds in love during a Taco Bell commercial.
1:53 pm – Hobbit FINALLY goes out to see his sister. He’s really late. Jenny asks for the money, Hobbit tries to give her a number for a doctor. An ORC(apparently Jenny’s boyfriend) comes out and attacks The Hobbit! The orc goes through his wallet, takes money AND a card of some sort. Bet it’s his CTU card. They go off on a motorcycle.
1:54 pm – Back to Jack. He calls Audrey, asks about his daughter. Audrey says she can’t get ahold of her. Jack gets off the phone. Inessa asks to talk to her family. Jack wants her to go with TCSG, and understandably she doesn’t want to do it. Jack promises that he won’t let anything happen to her, and asks her to get ready.
1:57 pm – Stylish shoots the repair shop guy anyway. Stylish DESERVES Windows 95. He calls TCSG. TCSG tells Stylish he can be ready in 10 minutes.
1:58 pm – Jack goes to get Inessa…they’re on their way out. Inessa SHOOTS TCSG.
1:59 pm – MAJOR PROBLEM: TCSG IS DEAD. CAN’T DO CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL WHEN DEAD! NOT LIKE IN THIS COUNTRY!
Next week: The terrorists say “Hi, Jack!” and hijaak Jack! They’re headed to a mall! They’re going to release gas at the mall food court! Ha! The fools! They don’t know that’s where most gas comes from in this country! Wait! Hobbit is telling Jack that Manilow authorized releasing the toxic gas! ….Oooooh, I smell campaign issue for next election!