5:00 am – A dead guard is guarding the outside of the sub while the Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST) pulls off his mask to reveal that he’s disguising himself as the dog on the Our Gang comedies, using a circle around his eye. His plan, to hit all the major banking, industrial and ESPECIALLY the writers of this hour of 24. He’s lecturing all the guys that are with him…. who look like they’ve heard this all a million times before.
5:01 – Audrey has instant messaging, with WAY too many friends on it, meaning more than just Jack. She messages an Admiral to let him know Russians have taken over the submarine, and single-handedly convinces him that they have to scramble the jets. The Admiral tells her he doesn’t have that many eggs, and it could take a while.
5:02 – Jack’s ready to shoot at some boxes if they move. He sneaks up near the sub, tells CTU what’s going on. CTU tells him they don’t have enough time to wait for the jets because scrambling takes a long time and they don’t want runny jets because they’ll drip over everything. Robocop spots a signal tube beacon, meaning that someone on board that sub is GREAT at holding their breath. Jack tells Chloe to listen for signals from the ship.
5:03 – Robocop wants to make sure that Jack is going to let him go at the end of all this, and to be SURE that Jack won’t shoot his wife’s other thigh. Jack agrees. Robocop wants a gun, and Jack points and laughs at him.
5:04 – Survivor on board! It turns out they’re doing a cross promotion with CBS, and the final survivor appears to be on board the submarine in the most challenging reward challenge yet. Chloe patches him through to Jack.
5:05 – Officer Tim’s on board. He looks about 12 years old, and he tells Jack he knows all about subs from his science class. Officer Tim was surfing the Internet below deck when the alarms went off, and now he’s concerned he has to run this whole sub by himself. He also asks for his Mommy.
5:06 – Jack tells Officer Tim to arm himself (which is always a bad sign for secondary characters in this show), and tells Tim to kill the bad guy he sees. Tim says he’s an engineer, not trained for that, and besides it would be really “icky and stuff”. Jack convinces him to do it by telling Tim they have one of the missiles aimed at Sesame Street.
5:09 – Robocop whines some more about getting a gun, and Jack gives him one.
5:09 – Back at Handbag headquarters, Cheney Looking Guy gives Manilow that bad news: There are still two hours left in the show. That, and the Russians have a submarine with 12 warheads on it. Manilow asks how this can happen, and CLG explains that if it had been on a naval base, nothing exciting would have happened in the show for at least another forty minutes.
5:10 – Mrs. Manilow is making a secret phone call to Aaron, while she’s spying on Manilow and CLG. They’re discussing ways they can get off the show sooner, but Aaron says there appears to be no way out.
5:11 – Chloe, who has access to the exact missile launch times but NOT the shutdown switch for the missiles themselves tells Jack they’re going to have a major plot point in about 9 minutes and 39 seconds. Officer Tim’s back on the phone with Jack, and gives Tim detailed instructions about how to really give the bad guy a very very gravelly singing voice. Jack finally convinces him of doing it by telling him this guy could be the next guy on American Idol. In a really gruesome scene, Tim proves that he’s REALLY not good at killing bad guys quickly.
5:12 – Jack shoots some bad guys! Only 12 minutes in! We’re so proud of Jack. Tim opens the hatch just as the sub makes some definitely Robocop-sounding noises. Chloe tells Jack that really had things are just about to happen with those missiles, like explosions.
5:13 – Jack goes down into the sub to meet Tim. Clearly thinking ahead, Jack makes Tim lead them further into the sub. (This is one of the things they teach you in CTU school. Always make the OTHER guy go first, just in case there is a trap).
5:14 – Jack tells Tim to create a diversion, and to NOT try and shoot everyone in sight when he gets there.
5:15 – Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist wants to toss a missile into San Francisco at a restaurant where a particularly rude waiter works. Tim’s creating a diversion earlier than planned by expertly knocking over a whole box of wrenches. IEST hears that and recognizes it as a non-Terrorist noise, and goes to investigate.
5:15 – A lot of sneaking around by Jack, Tim and terrorists. Jack uses a JackMirror to check his hair and terrorists, and then crawls down towards a terrorists.
5:16 – Chloe announces that the missiles have arms. Or are armed. Something like that Jack gets really mad at this, stands up, and a terrorist attacks Jack’s knife with his throat. The knife wins.
5:17 – Robocop really bravely comes down the corridor after Jack clears the way, and goes to try and disarm the missiles but he’s no Chloe.
5:17 – Jack looks for more terrorists to kill. More sneaking around! The nameless guy following Jack catches a lot of bullets using his chest and falls over.
5:18 – 60 seconds until launch!
5:18 – Someone disarms Jack, but Jack is able to swing the gun and hit IEST. Jack continues the struggle and gives the guy he’s fighting with a steam facial with one of the nearby steam pipes. The guy doesn’t seem to like this AT ALL. Jack tells him his skin already looks a lot smoother.
5:19 – IEST hits Jack with a wrench, and it BOUNCES OFF JACK’S SKULL! Now Jack just looks mad. Jack jumps up, and starts chocking IEST with his legs, which after all the sweating he’s done today have GOT to smell bad.
5:20 – Missiles disarmed, and even Chloe is impressed. Jack breaks IEST’s neck with his legs. Haig has the presence of mind to call off the war planes.
5:20 – Jack goes to find Robocop, but he escaped! Jack goes up topside, and Robocop comes up from behind. Robocop goes to shoot Jack! Fortunately for him, Jack’s seen “Die Hard” like about a bazillion times…. He gave Robocop a gun with no bullets!
5:21 – “I am Jack Bauer. You killed friends of mine. Prepare to die”. Jack shoots, misses Robocop’s thighs, and shoots him in the chest, killing Robocop. Tim sees all this and looks like he does NOT want Jack mad at him.
5:27 – Dramatic music blaring from police cars go to Jack, and he gets a car. Back at CTU they ask about Robocop, and Jack informs them he died from bullets traveling at great speed.
5:28 – Jack tells Chloe they need to talk, and she walks 10 feet to a secure phone where no one can hear them. Jack’s going after Manilow!
5:29 – CLG tells Manilow it’s all over. Manilow tells CLG he wants to make a speech at President Allstate’s casket, and CLG looks like he doesn’t want to hear yet ANOTHER speech from Manilow.
5:30 – Mrs. Manilow goes to CLG and tells him to come with her, and CLG looks pretty scared of what she might do to him. She convinces him to come with her.
5:31 – Manilow is on the phone with the Hollywood writer looking guy telling him that everything is going to be taken care of, including Jack Bauer. (Having these guys been paying attention at ALL this season?)
5:34 – Mrs. Manilow takes CLG to a secure garage location where Aaron is standing. Aaron explains that he tried to beat up someone using only his nose, and he shows CLG the body in the trunk. Mrs. Manilow spills her guts, and CLG looks pretty convinced. Mrs. Manilow and Aaron get REALLY close to kissing, before Aaron and CLG go off in a car towards the west gate where CLG plans on telling the guard they’re just going out for McDonalds.
5:41 – CLG and Aaron are taking a giant wax paper bag full of ex-secret service agent parts into a field when CLG’s phone rings. It’s Jack. He wants to talk to Aaron. Aaron tells Jack about Mrs. Manilow killing the other agent, and Jack says he’s proud of her. They discuss trying to get Manilow to implicate himself in everything.
5:42 – Back at CTU, someone wants Haig back at the Homeland Security office in Washington, at the request of the Manilow.
5:43 – Chloe tells Bill and Haig that she needs a high access clearance for….I swear….A woman’s shoe salesman in Beverly Hills. Bill says “Well, in that case…” and signs the order… It’s CHLOE’S EX-HUSBAND!
5:44 – Morris and Chloe argue, and Chloe tells him this whole thing is an excuse for him to do get a digital transfer rate of 6.5. I think between these two, they could build a supercomputer in their sleep.
5:46 – Mrs. Manilow watches the news about Allstate, while CLG walks in and tells her about Jack’s plan to call Manilow a handbag to his face. Mrs. Manilow asks if Jack’s going to hurt Manilow with a really hopeful look in her eyes.
5:53 – Jack drives out to Aaron, who we all know is Outstanding In His Field, and who is also out standing in his field. Jack wants on a secret service helicopter and after about 5 seconds, convinces Aaron that everything will be OK if he just gets near the helicopter.
5:54 – Mrs. Manilow APOLOGIZES to Manilow for calling him a handbag! He says that’s he’s surprised she said she hated him and broke her heart. She says she wishes she could take those words back, and what she really wanted to say is that she hates him, broke her heart, and that she’s a GIANT handbag. Oh wait…she just thinks that.
5:58 – Manilow buys the whole apology! She puts the moves on him! He calls the helicopter to delay, and she looks like she’s about to throw up about what she’s about to do.
5:59 – Aaron and Jack walk into a building pointing guns at the walls just in case they attack. CLG calls Jack and tells him the plane’s delayed. CLG asks how far Jack will go, and Jack says at least a couple of blocks….then realizes what CLG means and says “As far as I have to. But no farther. Because that wouldn’t make sense. Because I would already be there. Then I would be there. That’s as far as I would go. …..I gotta go.”.