I join the folks over on Dave Barry’s Blog on Monday nights to do a Mystery Science Theater style commentary about the TV show 24. People seem to like it there, so I’m reposting it here:
8:00 pm – A sheet over Tony. Yep…Tony’s dead. Either that or he’s going to be a ghost for Halloween.
8:01 – Audrey says Robocop got away. Chloe hacked Robocop’s computer, and found the name of the lady terrorist. Jack hitches a ride with Curtis.
8:02 – VP Scary has handed a speech to Manilow, and it looks like he’s going to shut down Los Angeles. He says that all he has to do is shut down the Hollywood sign, and everything will come to a stand-still.
8:03 – Manilow calls a curfew, and fortunately, everyone in LA being a law abiding citizen, there will be no problem implementing this plan.
8:04 – Madam Haig enters and tells her plan to take ahold of CTU. Bill greets her, and tells her that they’re still looking for a replacement Edgar.
8:05 – Homeland Security Guy (HSG) wants to take over Edgar’s station, and Chloe doesn’t think he can do it. I mean, this guy doesn’t look like he’s had a Ho-Ho in his life.
8:06 – Secret Service guy gets a call from President All-State’s brother, with a delivery. The secret service guy looks worried that it may be an insurance premium.
8:07 – Oh great. VP Scary just said “I’m in control”. Now he’s asking for Anakin.
8:09 – Bill tells Madam Haig that they’ll be back up to strength as soon as they get their replacement Edgar.
8:11 – Whoa! The guy in bed with Terrorist Woman is Desmond from “LOST”! So that’s where he went!
8:12 – Terrorist Woman is on the phone with Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST). She has the plans, schematics, and access codes for the hatch.
8:13 – IEST plans on gassing 200,000 people in LA by releasing the gas in the line for American Idol auditions.
8:17 – Bill finally caught on that yet another person wants his job. Madam Haig tells Bill that she’s taking over. We all know how well it went the last time someone tried to take over Bill’s job. She’s messing with Bill’s computer’s and he looks nervous that she’ll find his “personal” folder.
8:18 – Audrey is catching on that something weird is going on in CTU. The HS guy gives her this weird “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” stare.
8:19 – Jack is in the Terrorist Woman’s apartment, but can’t find her. Curtis heads upstairs to the roof, since the roof of a 20-story building in LA makes for a good escape route.
8:20 – Desmond jumps Curtis! Desmond asks if Curtis knows the code word, and if he’s a replacement from the Dharma Initiative.
8:21 – Desmond says he’s a secret agent for the Germans, and if they don’t believe him, ask John Locke.
8:24 – Desmond tells Jack that Jack can’t touch him. Heh. He don’t know Jack!
8:28 – Terrorist Woman arrives at Terrorist Headquarters.
8:29 – Audrey is arguing with someone on the phone, and threatens to cry.
8:30 – The Germans won’t let Desmond talk. Something about the Island, different networks, and giving away the ending. Jack asks Curtis to leave.
8:31 – Jack offers Desmond a “wet list”, in exchange for Terrorist Woman’s info. Desmond says that Jack shouldn’t try and be tricky, because he has a couple names from the passenger list already.
8:32 – Jack wants Chloe to hack the NSA. Chloe says she can’t do it because she doesn’t have a key card. As if that stopped her before! Chloe spills Homeland Security coffee on Homeland Security guy’s Homeland Security pants. He goes to the Homeland Security bathroom to clean up.
8:33 – Chloe grabs a keycard and starts typing. She’s on the phone with Jack while hacking into the NSA’s computer, and uploads it to Jack on the Jack phone. Chloe gets away with it…apparently. Homeland Security guy looks Homeland Security suspicious.
8:34 – Jack shows the list to Desmond, who says it looks like the right passenger list. He gives it back to Jack, and tells him to go to Oceanic Airlines at the airport in car lot C.
8:35 – Terrorist Woman asks to have money transferred from IEST, and she tells him the code is “4 8 15 16 23 42”. They enter the code, and IEST tells them to torch the place as Terrorist Woman leaves.
8:41 – VP Scary is in more trouble with one of the governors than with Manilow. One of VP Scary’s padawans tells him that Allstate’s brother is on the way. The road block lets him through.
8:42 – Desmond tells Jack that Terrorist Woman has spider sense and won’t show herself if she senses danger. Desmond still seems to have a crush on Terrorist Woman, probably because he’s been in that hatch for so long.
8:43 – Back at CTU, Bill asks to talk to Chloe. Madam Haig tries to confront Chloe, and they know they Chloe sent a document to Jack. Bill and Madam Haig completely freak out when they find out that Chloe sent the “wet list” to Jack. Homeland Security Guy is giving Chloe another one of his Invasion Stares.
8:44 – Jack, for some reason has his phone on RING. Desmond insists on hearing everything on speaker phone, mainly because if Jack just uses his ear piece to talk, Jack will look like a homeless guy carrying on a one-sided conversation.
8:44 – Madam Haig wants that “wet list” back, and Jack pulls a gun on Desmond. She tells Jack that she’ll get Curtis to take that card back, and Jack tells HER that she’ll be responsible for every live lost. (love-15, advantage Bauer). She tries to pull the “we need authorization” card on Jack, which doesn’t work (love-30, Bauer). Then when Jack says there’s a car coming with Terrorist Woman, she asks if he can guarantee that’s her. Jack says no, but does Madam Haig want to be responsible? (love-40, Bauer) Jack keeps standing up to her, and she finally gives in. (Game to Bauer!) Madam Haig says there will be “repercussions”. Jack tells her she can have all the cussions she wants, and hangs up.
Jack asks Desmond if they’re “alright”.
8:46 – Desmond gets out of the car, so does Terrorist Woman, and they move in. Desmond gets in a car and drives off.
8:48 – Terrorist Woman won’t talk, and as Desmond drives away, he tries to upload the “wet list” to his contacts. Apparently it’s not Windows compatible, because much like a strawberry Pop-Tart, it burst into flames for no apparent reason. He gets a phone call from Jack, who says he’ll help him install Windows. Desmond tells Jack he’s going to have to call technical support and now he’s REALLY mad at Jack.
8:54 – Terrorist Woman still won’t talk. Jack keeps asking questions, and she whines about Desmond. For the second time tonight, Jack tells Curtis to leave. Terrorist Woman tells him that IEST is probably gone. She wants diplomatic immunity because she has a TON of parking tickets.
8:55 – Jack gets on the phone with CTU. Madam Haig says “for the record” for about the 10th time tonight. For the record.
8:57 – A car is following Allstate’s brother, and is speeding up. Van door opens up, and shoots the car which goes off into a ditch. Guys get out of the van headed to the car. Allstate’s brother gets out, and heads for a drainage tunnel to get away.
8:59 – Terrorist Woman’s on the phone with a Terrorist Lawyer. She gives Jack the location of IEST, and that AUDREY SOLD HER THE SCHEMATIC INFO.
Jack’s a little upset about that, because he knows Audrey is going to try and cry her way out of this.