Last Time: Audrey received an award for performance art after being strapped to a bridge and nearly blown up, and was taken away to a hospital. Jack discovers that Marwan is back, and has obtained protective thigh armor from KaChing’s Thigh Armor Emporium. Chloe and RoboEdgar arrive from the Midwest. Godzilla makes an appearance right outside of KaChing’s, and seems impervious to bullets.
The following occurred between 5 pm and 6 pm, but we’re pretty easily distracted so it might….Oooo! Shiny!
5:00 pm – Curtis looks at Jack and asks him why something like this always happens at the top of the hour, but Jack is too busy trying to dodge Godzilla. Godzilla is also busy, mainly stomping on things with his enormous feet, making subcompact cars much more sub and compact.
5:01 pm – Janosz is on the phone with the Hollywood-Looking Script Writer Guy (HLSW), trying to explain that he was trying to conjure up the Stay-Puft marshmallow Man (SPMM), when he accidentally conjured up Godzilla instead.
5:03 pm – Godzilla is still stamping on things, and comes really close to hitting Chloe. RoboEdgar doesn’t like this one bit. He smashes into a Chinese restaurant storefront, grabs a bunch of food in both hands, and eats it. He then fires his rockets, zooming up and hitting Godzilla with a surprising amount of speed for a robot the size of a large walrus.
5:04 pm – For the first time in recorded cinematic history we, the audience, hear Godzilla say “Ooof”.
5:05 pm – RoboEdgar hits Godzilla so hard that Godzilla hurdles over San Francisco and lands in the bay near Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. Several kids touring the island with their parents yell “Fake!” RoboEdgar follows, and continues to fight Godzilla on the shore of the island.
5:07 pm – Chloe tells Jack that he needs to do something about Godzilla, and Jack says that he’s working on it. Jack turns to Ching and asks if she knows where they can get some really powerful fireworks. Ching looks at Jack like he just sat down in a Chinese restaurant and ordered a hamburger, and tells him of course she does.
5:08 pm – Ching tells Jack that her brother, Badabing, has a fireworks outlet nearby, and that it would just take a few minutes to get there. They all leave and head up the street. A black net drops out of no where, missing Jack by inches. Jack doesn’t notice this.
Commercial
5:13 pm – RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla on Alcatraz Island. Many Japanese tourists are taking pictures like crazy, while some of the island tour guides start to try and charge extra money for the “special show” that’s happening right now.
5:14 pm – Ching, Jack, Chloe and Curtis all enter a store labeled “Badabing KaChing’s Amazing Firework Things”. Ching hastily introduces everyone to her brother, Badabing. Jack asks Badabing if he has anything really powerful, like a rocket. Badabing asks Jack what color rocket he wants.
5:16 pm – Marwan is watching the fight out in the bay, using a pair of binoculars. Janosz says, “Begging Vigo’s pardon, but I think that Jack Bauer will soon be gone”. Marwan shoves the binoculars to Janosz’s hands, and tells him that unless Jack has gained about a hundred pounds and is now chrome-plated, it is definitely not Jack out in the bay fighting Godzilla right now. Marwan says that he’ll have to go to “Plan G” for killing Jack. Janosz jokes that at this rate, they might run out of alphabet. From the look on Marwan’s face, he either had a bad egg for breakfast, or he didn’t appreciate Janosz’s comment.
5:19 pm – Using his amazing powers of traffic free driving, Curtis arrives with Jack, Chloe, Badabing, and Ching at San Francisco Bay where RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla. Chloe tells Jack that he better hurry up, because RoboEdgar looks as though he’s resorted to splashing water in Godzilla’s eyes, and it doesn’t look like it’s having much effect. Jack steps out of the car, and heads back towards the trunk just as a car goes with a large hook on the side that just misses Jack. Jack doesn’t notice this as he unloads several rockets and heads towards the shoreline.
5:21 pm – Cheney-Looking-Guy (CLG) is in the LA Presidential Office with newly appointed President, Wayne Palmer. President Wayne isn’t so sure this whole “being president” thing is going to work out very well, since the last two didn’t end up all that well. He also doubts anyone will really vote for him in an election. CLG says that President Wayne is a cinch for two reasons: 1) He isn’t Manilow and 2) Everyone liked President All-State, and people would figure that President Wayne would be a pretty good guy too. CLG finally reassures President Wayne that going to talk to the general public be sure that this is a good idea and also wearing a Presidential Bullet Proof Jacket alleviate a lot of his fears.
5:24 pm – As his second official act as President, Wayne calls California to find out if they can rename he movie “Snakes on a Plane”, because it’s a silly name.
Commercial
5:29 pm – Jack has commandeered a jet ski – which is law enforcement talk for “taken” – from a very bewildered tourist that has been watching the Godzilla and RoboEdgar fight. Jack is now jet skiing his way towards RoboEdgar and Godzilla.
5:30 pm – Several protesters are trying to organize next to the water, and are trying to figure whether they’re protesting: 1) The violence in the fight between RoboEdgar and Godzilla; 2) Cruelty to animals; 3) Cruelty to robots. They decide to go with “Cruelty to animals”.
5:32 pm – Jack tries firing one of Badabing’s rockets using a rocket launcher and points it at Godzilla, but it just shoots streamers. Jack looks towards the shore and Badabing shrugs, and motions for Jack to try another rocket. Jack picks up another rocket, and this time it really lets loose, nearly knocking Jack off his jet ski. The rocket misses Godzilla.
5:34 pm – RoboEdgar, however, is very distracted by the rocket, since it nearly hits him instead. He looks down and sees Jack. Jack mouths the word “Sorry!” give RoboEdgar a weak smile.
5:36 pm – RoboEdgar flies down, scoops up Jack, just as four scuba divers surface and try and grab Jack from the jet skit. RoboEdgar and Jack fly back up towards Godzilla. Jack lights the rockets using RoboEdgar’s jet flames, and throws them towards Godzilla.
5:37 pm – In a remarkably athletic catch for such are large monster, Godzilla grabs the rockets, which as it turns out is also a remarkably stupid thing to do, because they explode. Jack and RoboEdgar are thrown far away from the explosion and land in the water.
5:38 pm – The spectacular explosion completely barbecues Godzilla, and throws the lizard’s body on top of the Alcatraz prison building. (This is perhaps one of the finest special effects ever filmed, but unfortunately you’ll just have to take my word for it). Food vendors on the island immediately start selling an “Exploded Fried Lizard Sandwich” special.
5:41 pm – The crowd on shore applauds. Curtis and Chloe don’t see Jack or RoboEdgar anywhere!
Commercial
5:46 pm – Marwan orders some of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. One of the thugs as “For all? For all, what?” Marwan shoots him and asks another one of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug points out that they already tried to use gas canisters, and that didn’t work out very well. Marwan shoots this thug too. Marwan asks a third thug to retrieve some gas canisters so the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug doesn’t ask any questions, and leaves.
5:48 pm – Chloe and Curtis are getting pretty upset at not seeing Jack and RoboEdgar, and even more upset because of the more immediate problem of the protesters freaking out about the Godzilla explosion. The protesters are trying to change to “non-violence” protest signs but there don’t seem to be enough signs. A large riot starts when the protesters start hitting each other with their signs.
5:51 pm – Chloe gets on the phone with CTU to tell them about Godzilla, Jack and RoboEdgar. Bill tells her they’ll get a search and rescue squad sent out right away, and hangs up. Chloe tasers a vendor that tries to sell her a “Godzilla vs. The Big Robot” T-shirt.
5:53 pm – Chloe tells Curtis to stop setting up a perimeter for a minute, and asks him what they can do to try and help Jack. Curtis says he’s not sure. A man wearing a “I saw the Godzilla vs The Big Robot Fight” hat asks for Chloe’s autograph, and she asks him why he would want her autograph. He says that he likes her TV show, and the autograph would mean a lot to his kids. She signs the paper.
5:54 pm – A young child screams, “Whale!” and points towards the water. Chloe grabs Curtis’ binoculars which are still slung around his neck, nearly knocking him over. She scans the water to see what the kid is screaming about.
5:55 pm – Loud triumphant music plays in the background. Off in the water, RoboEdgar is propelling himself through the water, Jack sitting on RoboEdgar’s back. They’re headed for shore. Chloe tries to tell Curtis what she sees. Curtis can’t hear her. Chloe suddenly grabs Curtis’s gun, fires three times in the air and the symphony orchestra playing on the platform next to them stops playing. She tells Curtis that Jack and RoboEdgar are OK.
5:58 pm – Jack and RoboEdgar arrive on shore, watching the protesters that are beating each other up as they walk toward Chloe and Curtis. Chloe gives both of them a big hug. RoboEdgar looks a bit distracted, as if he really wants to head to Alcatraz for a lizard sandwich.
5:59 pm – Chloe tells Jack that someone just came up to her for an autograph, and it’s really starting to creep her out, even more than Miles did. Jack agrees that something really weird is going on, since Godzilla just doesn’t make appearances like that either. Jack tries to call CTU, and for the first time ever, no one answers the phone.
6:00 pm – Time’s up!