Last time: Fortunately, Jack failed falling into Niagara Falls. Manilow believed bride brought bail; she bailed. Curtis car cruised, carefully crossing Canada. Maniac Marwans make mucus mortar: Lincoln’s loogie likely – TNT Toilet!
The following occurred between 4 am and 5 am – Time to make the donuts.
4:00 am – The toilet, which is hanging out of Lincoln’s nose by a prima cord like a giant booger, continues to descend. Jack tells Curtis that unless they can stop the Marwan Brothers, Lincoln and the rest of the presidents on Mount Rushmore are going to have their faces blown off the mountain. Jack hops the fence and runs towards the monument, telling Curtis, “If you have a clear shot at the guys in Lincoln’s nose, shoot them!” Curtis says to himself, “That is not a sentence I expected to hear today”.
4:01 am – Jack gets a few hundred feet away from the monument when machine gun fire erupts from the top of Washington’s head. Jack dives for cover and yells to Curtis to cover him. Jack waits for the Curtis to start shooting, but nothing happens. He looks over and sees Curtis desperately looking for his gun. Jack waits and makes a mad dash for a boulder nearly beneath Lincoln’s nose. Jack takes careful aim and shoots. The thug lowering the toilet is hit, and he falls from Lincoln’s nose. It’s about this time that Jack realizes that his expert aim has taken out the bad guy, but he forgot to completely think this through since the explosive laden toilet is now falling towards the ground, and will impact very close to him.
4:02 am – Jack starts shooting. A bullet hits the toilet in midair and it explodes. Jack dives for cover while pieces of toilet fall around him. Marwan yells that Jack looks a little flushed, laughs, and disappears over the top of Washington’s head.
4:03 am – Somewhere outside of Las Vegas, the limousine that took ex-President Manilow stops by the side of the road. We can hear a loud whining noise, which turns out to be Manilow. Two men dressed in black suits get out with Manilow, and they move to the back of the car. They open the trunk and shove him inside. We continue to hear muffled whining noises from Manilow as the two men take out the earplugs they were wearing. One of them looks at the other and says, “I don’t think that guy is ever going to shut up”. Someone inside the limo tells them to hurry up, which they do. The limo drives off.
4:06 am – Jack has walked back to where Curtis and RoboEdgar are standing, and Curtis gives Jack a weak smile. Jack asks why Curtis didn’t shoot, and Curtis explains that he must have left his gun in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile back at the Grand Canyon. Curtis turns and says, “RoboEdgar, I left my gun in the Wienermobile. I want you to go get it, and bring it to me”. RoboEdgar salutes Curtis, and blasts off.
4:12 am – Jack and Curtis arrive at their car in the parking lot. Curtis is just about to open the door to the car when Jack tells him to stop. Jack tells Curtis that he thinks the car is booby trapped. Curtis asks Jack why he thinks that. Jack says, “Number one, we’ve been away from our car for a while. Number two, the Marwans have been trying to kill me all day now. Number three, the entire passenger seat is filled with explosives.
4:14 am – The Marwan brothers are driving down the road. They’re alone in the car; all the thugs are gone. Marwan is laughing manically. He stops, reads a little more out of the book he’s holding (“How to Laugh Like a Criminal Mastermind”), and tries to laugh again. Julian interrupts him and reminds Marwan that there isn’t another Thugmart within a thousand miles of here, and that it’s going to be impossible to get more thugs before daybreak.
4:16 am – Jack is on the JackPhone using the speaker phone feature with Chloe, trying to figure out what to do next. Curtis writes notes about what Chloe is saying. Curtis drops his pen, and when he bends down to retrieve it, he finds something lying on the ground beneath the car. Curtis tells Jack that he thinks he found a clue. Jack asks how he knows it’s a clue, and Curtis holds up a box for the game Clue. Jack says that the Marwans are nothing if not subtle. They carefully open the box, and find a map sitting inside. It’s got the Indianapolis Motor Speedway circled.
4:18 am – Curtis says, “Well, that’s great. We know where they’re probably headed, but we have no way of getting there.” Jack agrees, and asks Chloe for her advice. Chloe says that Jack should do what he always does. Jack looks at Curtis, and Curtis says, “She’s right, Jack.” Jack shrugs, pulls out his gun and shoots the car in the approximate area where its thigh would be, if cars actually had thighs, and then says that he’s not sure how that will help.
4:20 am – Jack decides that the best thing they can do at this point is go to the main road and try to flag down a passing motorist. Curtis starts to say something about not having a flag, but thinks better of it when he realizes what kind of mood that Jack is in at the moment.
4:22 am – A semi driving down the road stops when Jack and Curtis wave it down. The passenger side opens up, and they’re surprised to find a large orangutan sitting there grinning at them. The driver says, “Oh, don’t mind Clyde. He won’t hurt you.” Jack and Curtis look at each other and tell the driver that they made a mistake. The driver says, “Suit yourself”, the orangutan shuts the door, and the truck drives off.
4:24 am – As luck would have it, the very next truck that passes by stops too. Jack and Curtis go to the passenger side, and when the door opens, a chimpanzee is sitting there. Jack and Curtis look exasperated. The driver says, “Oh, don’t mind Bear. He won’t hurt you.” Curtis says, “What is it with truckers and monkeys tonight?”, and looks at Jack. Jack says, “I think we should take it. I don’t even want to know what’s going to be in the next truck.” The driver introduces himself as Billy Joe McKay. Jack tells Billy Joe that they’re from CTU, and that he’d appreciate it if they could get to Indianapolis as soon as possible. Jack says that he’d like to see about “Curtis-izing” the engine.
4:31 am – In what seems like no time at all, we see the same truck barreling down 16th Street in Indianapolis. It pulls into the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. They drive over to the pit area where the pit crews are preparing stock car time trials later that day. The truck pulls to a stop, and immediately a pit crew comes out of no where and starts jacking up the cab of the truck so that all the tires can be pulled off. Suddenly endorsement stickers are plastered all over the windshield of the truck, and they can’t see through the windows anymore.
4:33 am – Billy Joe gets out of the truck, and is immediately surrounded by a group of people who put endorsement stickers all over him too. Jack rolls down the window of the truck, shoots his gun off into the air, and yells, “STOP!”. The pit crew and guys with the endorsement stickers all apologize and tell Jack that they’re sorry, but it’s just force of habit.
4:34 am – Jack uses the Jack phone to tell Chloe to upload a picture of the Marwan brothers to his JackPhone. Jack shows everyone the picture of Marwan and his brother, and asks if anyone has seen them. They all stare at the picture. Jack tells them that these two are international terrorists, and need to be found immediately. One of the crew guys pipes up and asks Jack why two little boys would be considered terrorists. Jack looks at the picture he’s been showing, and it’s shows the Marwans as children at the beach standing next to a sandcastle with lit dynamite stuffed into its sides, and the caption “Good Times. Good Times.” Curtis takes one look at the picture and tells Jack, “If you think I’m going to do a Jimmy Walker impression right now, you’re crazy”.
4:36 am – As they’re standing there, a car goes zooming past them on the track. One of the crew guys says that car isn’t supposed to be out on the track this early. Jack looks at the car with his binoculars, and sees that the car is covered with Hokey Pokey Toilet Company endorsement stickers. The car circles around and enters pit row. Instead of slowing down to stop, it shifts into high gear and heads straight for them.
4:37 am – Curtis yells, “Run for cover!” and most of the pit crew immediately dive over a wall next to them. Jack says, “Not this time” and steps out onto the pit roadway right into the path of the car. The car adjusts to drive right to where Jack is standing. Jack pulls out his gun and shoots the driver side window three times, but the car keeps coming.
4:38 am – Jack gives a surprised look to his gun for a split second, and then dives out of the way just as the car passes. The car skids sideways as it slams on its breaks, attempting to turn back around to take another run at Jack. Jack shoots twice. One of the bullets hits the car in the gas tank. The car blows up in spectacular explosion, sending metal and endorsement stickers all over the track. One of the stickers hits Curtis smack in the mouth and he falls over backwards from the force of it.
4:39 am – Marwan, still in another car with Julian, slams his fist into the screen of the remote control device he’s holding, and yells a word too naughty to be printed on this portion of the Internet. Julian tells him to never mind Jack Bauer, since they still have to find the secret formula that will help Marwan stop from becoming a zombie.
4:41 am – Curtis attempts to pull the sticker off his face while Jack goes to see if everyone is all right. Curtis tries to yell something, but it’s muffled because of the sticker on his mouth. Jack says, “Cleaner?” Curtis shakes his head and points to the sky. Jack looks and sees what looks like a blimp off in the distance, some miles north of them. Jack stares for a moment and says, “That’s the weirdest looking blimp I’ve ever seen…” Billy Joe says, “If I didn’t know better, I would say that’s the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile!” Jack and Curtis’s eyes go wide. At that moment, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile tilts in an odd way, and suddenly plummets to the ground. Curtis says, “Oh no! He dropped it!”
4:43 am – Jack asks one of the pit crew guys to borrow one of the stock cars. The pit crew guy points at a car in the far end of the pit, and says, “Take that one. No one ever wants to use that one.” Jack and Curtis run for the car.
4:44 am – The camera pans to the streets of Indianapolis which are relatively quiet at this time in the morning. Suddenly there’s a loud engine revving noise, and a pink Mary Kay Cosmetics stock car comes zooming out of the Speedway, headed back down 16th street to the highway.
4:47 am – Chloe is on the phone with Jack. She tells him that Curtis should take the next exit, because that’s where RoboEdgar’s signal is coming from. Jack asks where they are, and Chloe tells them they’re in a town called “Fishers”. Curtis drives through a neighborhood to some homes in the back, where they find the Wienermobile has landed in the front yard of a house. RoboEdgar is standing in front of the house with the home’s owner, John, along with many other people in the cul-de-sac where the Wienermobile landed. Curtis asks Edgar, “Why didn’t you just get my gun like I asked?” Jack puts his hand on Curtis’s shoulder, and says, “You said, ‘RoboEdgar, I left my gun in the Wienermobile. I want you to go get it, and bring it to me’, and that’s exactly what he tried to do.” Curtis smacks himself on the forehead, and tells himself to be more specific next time. As Curtis retrieves his gun, Jack goes to John and tells him that if he ever wondered what happened to the Wienermobile, now he has one of his very own.
4:49 am – A loud scream comes out of the speaker on Jack’s phone, which startles Jack. It’s Chloe. She says, “I hate it when you stop talking to me right in the middle of a conversation. She says, “They’re headed for Chicago for the Field Museum.” Jack tells Curtis this and tells RoboEdgar to follow them.
4:50 am – While they’re headed to Chicago, Jack looks out his window for RoboEdgar to make sure he’s still following them, but Jack doesn’t see him. RoboEdgar has disappeared again.
4:52 am – Curtis’ amazing driving powers are once again in effect, and they arrive in Chicago despite having to drive the Indiana Toll Road and its construction. However, despite having made such great time getting there, Jack and Curtis are now stopped on the highway in Chicago. Curtis starts to freak out a little bit about being stopped on the highway. Jack tries to calm him down. Jack tells Curtis that this is the “traffic jam” that he talked about before. Curtis stammers that he thought Jack was just making that up as a scary story, and asks for it to just go away. Jack tells him that there’s nothing he can do about it.
4:55 am – Suddenly, we hear a loud crash behind the car. Jack looks back, and sees RoboEdgar, who appears to have stopped by a White Castle on this way to Chicago, because he’s holding about fifty of White Castle Hamburgers with one of his arms. RoboEdgar waves at Jack.
4:57 am – Curtis is still shaking as Jack tells RoboEdgar to get them all to the Field Museum. RoboEdgar reaches down, lifts the car up with one hand and deftly balancing the White Castle hamburgers in the other, takes off towards the museum. Curtis looks genuinely relieved.
4:58 am – They land on the front steps of the Field Museum, and a traffic officer is already there writing a ticket for the Marwan Brother’s car, which is next to the front steps. The Marwans are nowhere to be seen. The officer warns them not to park there, and Jack flashes his badge as he heads for the museum entrance.
4:59 am – Standing outside of the museum looking in, Jack sees the Marwans inside, running towards the back of the museum. They disappear around a corner.
5:00 am – Time’s up!