Previously on “24”, we found out: If you ever have the misfortune to be arrested at CTU, you can just sit back and wait a while, and someone will end up proving your innocence; It’s important that if you’re going to set up tactical guys to shoot someone, you should put a couple on the other side of the street too; If you tell VP Noah something as simple as “I don’t want a cup of coffee”, it’s pretty likely he’s going to twist it into an excuse to bomb some unnamed country.
The following summary takes place between 9 pm and 10 pm:
9:00 pm – Lennox dials in the cable channel Secretary General TV, while the cabinet waits for the president to show up.
9:01 pm – Wayne really wants to stand up to Noah, just in case there’s a jump ball in the middle of the conference room, and he needs that edge. He asks the doctor for an injection so he won’t need a wheelchair.
9:02 pm – Jack calls Bill to tell him about Gredenko’s immunity deal offer to give up Fayed, but is concerned that Gredenko rolled over too easily. Bill says that’s because of the time Gredenko spent in the Russian circus disguised as a bear. Bill says that Wayne has regained consciousness, but VP Noah is challenging him under the 25th Amendment. Wayne has countered with a Black Lotus card, which VP Noah is still trying to figure out how to counter. Bill points out that if Fayed detonates another bomb, no one will be able to stand in VP Noah’s way. Jack points out that if Fayed DOES detonate another bomb, there probably won’t be anyone left standing anyway, and points out that if VP Noah takes over, the immunity deal will be off. Bill says that all this deal talk is beginning to sound like a Howie Mandel game show. Jack asks Bill to have the attorney general draw up the immunity deal papers, and Bill tells him the attorney general probably has a printer for that sort of thing.
9:04 pm – In the secret underground cabinet room, President Wayne finally arrives. VP Noah immediately goes to him, and lies like a dog: He says he’s happy to see Wayne. Lennox stands up and gives a little speech about the 25th Amendment in case we all didn’t get the drift the first couple of times they talked about it, and that he’ll be playing the role of Jeff Probst during tonight’s round of Presidential Survivor. Wayne’s doctor gets up and tells everyone that Wayne is doing pretty well, and everyone who didn’t say a darn thing when Noah was giving order to blow things up suddenly starts asking really hard hitting questions like: “Is Wayne OK?”, “Will he be able to shave his head without assistance?”, and “What show are we on right now?”. The doctor leaves, and Lennox asks Wayne to address the cabinet. Wayne says that instead of getting up and writing on a large piece of furniture, it would be a much better idea to talk to everyone. Wayne gives a speech and points out that Noah is a cry baby who just won’t give up if someone tells him “No”, and that’s the whole reason for all this “25th Amendment” talk.
Noah tells everyone that in order to make sure the constitution really works, from time to time they have to try out each and every one of the Amendments. Noah also says that the proof Wayne should be removed as President is that he DIDN’T want to bomb the snot out of another country. He also plays some really dramatic music after he gets done talking, which is blatantly unfair, but no one calls him on it because they’re all pretty scared of him. Lennox says that there will be a vote taking place in the next ten minutes, and that the person with the most votes will be asked to leave the presidential bunker immediately, unless they have an immunity idol.
9:13 pm – At CTU, Milo asks Nadia about the vote. Nadia tells him that they’re still in commercial on Presidential Survivor, and that it’ll be a few more minutes. She asks that Milo forget about that whole silly “Nadia is a terrorist” thing. Milo says he won’t forget about the kiss though, and Nadia tells him that with breath like his she won’t be forgetting it soon either. As Milo leaves, Doyle calls Nadia and asks her to go upstairs.
9:14 pm – Nadia arrives upstairs, and Doyle makes a fumbling apology for smacking Nadia around earlier, because of the mole in the building. Nadia says that he should have called an exterminator, but Doyle ignores this and insists he’s not a racist. Nadia points out that he’s more of a sadist, and Doyle objects, saying he’s not any sort of “ist” at all. What he wants Nadia to do is to go check on Milo’s computer, to see if he’s the one that accidentally set up the wrong access protocols that let the terrorists break into the CTU computers and upload most of the files at CTU to Google. Nadia refuses, and Doyle tries to convince her that if she doesn’t help him, he’s going to bring in a forensics team, shoot Milo’s computer, tear it all up, and then haul Milo away in handcuffs – and not necessarily in that order.
9:18 pm – Karen sits down with Wayne and Sandra and asks what Wayne will do with Noah if Wayne ends up winning the vote. They want him out of the way and suggest getting him out of the bunker, perhaps even in an ark. Counting animals should keep him busy for a long time. Wayne says he can’t afford to alienate any of Noah’s supporters, because aliens are the last things they need to be dealing with right now. Wayne says that he’d rather keep an eye on Noah, so the ark is out too.
The cabinet comes back together, and Lennox calls for the vote without a secret ballet, since they’re in a hurry. The vote is seven to seven, which means that they have to turn to fire building, and the first person that can build a fire high enough to burn the twine and raise a little American flag gets to be president. The attorney general interrupts and says that since the majority of the cabinet didn’t vote to get rid of Wayne, he wins! Wayne gives the evil eye to seven people on the cabinet, many of whom are already working on the resumes on their laptops. Noah tells them to stop, because he doesn’t recognize Karen as the National Security Advisor! Lennox pulls out a photo album, and points to her picture, but Noah still doesn’t recognize her, so TADA! He’s president! He even says he’s really sorry to Wayne. Wayne says, “Pffft!” to that, and before a duel can break out, the attorney general suggests that they call Diana Ross and The Supremes to figure this thing out. An aide whispers something in his ear, and he corrects himself and says he really meant The Supreme Court. Wayne winces during the attorney general’s speech. As they leave the room, Noah tells Evil Lisa to get his affidavit started, and she says that she though he drove a Range Rover. Noah calls Lennox over and says that he thinks Lennox might not be on his side. Lennox says that’s true, he’s right in front of him, and he’s on the side of the United States of America, which is pretty tough because it’s a pretty big place.
9:24 pm – Nadia goes over to tell Milo that her workstation is screwed up because the credentials on them were all wrong, and we all know what kind of hassle that can be. Milo goes off to fix this, and in about 10 seconds, Nadia is able to determine that the breach was Milo’s fault. She tells Doyle about this, and he fixes it so no one will find out about Milo’s screw up! Nadia looks surprised at this, and Doyle quotes from the Koran, which surprises her even more! Doyle says that he’s read the Koran, the Bible, the Upanishads, and even the Dave Barry Blog, but he still hasn’t come up with any answers to life’s greater meaning. Milo witnesses this from across the room, asks Nadia about it, but Nadia just says that she and Doyle were comparing data sets. Milo points out that in some engineering universities, comparing data sets means you’re engaged, but Nadia doesn’t hear him.
9:26 pm – Karen calls Bill, and tells him that the cabinet meeting went like the cabinet meetings usually go, but that this time Wayne won. Kind of. She explains about how Noah brought up the whole resignation thing, and that the last she heard Diana Ross was going to sing about it and decide something. She’s just worried that Noah will be unleashed on the world, but Bill assures her that they’ll be able to keep the muzzle on Noah and everything will turn out alright in the end. Karen tells Bill that there are arguments scheduled in 15 minutes. Bill says, “Wow! They really do schedule everything over there”. Karen tells Bill, “Thank you for being there”. Bill says, “Well, thank you for the Pink Panther.” Karen says that she has to get going, or she won’t get a good seat when Diana starts her show.
9:28 pm – Gredenko verifies with his attorney that the agreements have been signed, and that he’ll reimburse Jack for the amazingly large phone charge he’ll get on his Jack Phone next month. Jack lets Gredenko know that if he doesn’t get reimbursed, or that if he tells Fayed a thing about what’s going on, he’ll get out his Jack Gun and fill him with Jack Bullets.
9:29 pm – Gredenko calls Fayed and says he has the protocols. Fayed says they better be the right protocols, and not the ICMP protocols he tried to pass off last time. Grendenko says he’ll have to ping him about that later, and Fayed admonishes him for such a terrible protocol joke. Gredenko assures him that everything is ok, and they agree to meet at the Santa Monica Pier in about ten minutes. Gredenko wants to know where he’ll be found, and Fayed says he’ll find Gredenko. Jack talks to Bill, who says that Doyle is on his way to the pier, but won’t make it in time. Jack gets one of his tactical guys to put Gredenko in a “vehicle” which is Jack talk for “car”.
9:31 pm – Karen brings in the instructions from The Supremes, and they need the arguments written down and ready to go in ten minutes. Wayne says that Sandra is working on the briefs. Karen says that working on a new line of executive underwear is great, but what they really need is a written copy of arguments about why Wayne should continue to be president. Just writing down that Noah is homicidal maniac isn’t good enough. Sandra says that since Noah didn’t bring up the fact that Karen shouldn’t be there, that proves that Karen really still was acting National Security Advisor. Or acting like the National Security Advisor. Or an actor acting like the National Security Advisor. Something like that.
9:32 pm – Over in the evil half of the Presidential Bunker, Noah reads his briefs until someone hands him a set of papers with the argument on them and then he reads those. His argument is that he didn’t really MEAN to keep Karen; it’s just that he didn’t have a good evil replacement just at that moment. Evil Lisa doesn’t seem to think Noah’s chances are very good, and Noah says, “Then I am … deeply afraid for our country”. (I think it goes without say that with Noah in power, the country would be pretty afraid all by itself). Evil Lisa hatches a plan to swear that Noah told her to tell Karen that Noah had no intention of reinstating Karen. Noah points out that Lisa would be perjuring herself in front of the Supreme Court, and seems uncharacteristically reticent about the whole idea. Evil Lisa says that’s not what “perjure” means, and besides, the ends justify the means. Noah says that he never knew what that expression meant, but he’ll go along with her idea because she’ll get in trouble, and he won’t.
9:33 pm – Special delivery! Terrorist Express arrives, and they’ve got Fayed in the back, carrying metal suitcases, which are the universal television symbols for bombs. Halil (one of Fayed’s men) takes the cases and doesn’t want Fayed to go to meet Gredenko. Halil really wants to use the bombs right away (I think he must be distant cousins with Noah) because they can inflict a lot of damage right where they are. Fayed really wants to go for the gusto, and says that if his plan works, they’ll inflict damage across half of California, but he doesn’t say which half. They close the door on the Terrorist Express truck with Fayed in the back, and they leave.
9:35 pm – In the presidential bunker, Lennox goes to see Noah and asks to speak with him alone. Evil Lisa slinks out of the room. It turns out that Lennox bugged one of his own pieces of china in the room, and he has a tape of Evil Lisa and Noah talking about the perjury! Lennox tells Noah to call the Supremes and cancel the concert.
9:41 pm – Wayne talks to Karen about what’s been going on since he’s been asleep. Wayne wants the launch codes, Fayed’s status, and someone to rename the “flesh colored” band-aid on his neck to something more appropriate. Sandra runs in to tell Wayne and Karen that during the commercial, the Supreme Court called and told her that Noah withdrew his suit. Karen says that’s an image that she won’t be able to get out of her head for a long time. Sandra says she meant the lawsuit that was filed. Everyone leaves, and Wayne picks up the phone to tell Melinda that he wants to talk to his doctor.
9:43 pm – Out in Santa Monica, Agent Ryan is fitting Gredenko with the latest in audio and isotope tracking gear. They’ll be able to track Gredenko within 15 miles. Hopefully this time they’ve figured out that they’ll need snipers on BOTH sides of the street during all this. It turns out that Doyle is about 20 minutes away, so Jack is going to have to run this operation himself, which I’m sure Jack can handle. They let Gredenko out of the nondescript CTU van with government license plates and Gredenko walks around looking for Fayed. A phone rings, and Gredenko picks it up. It is a cell phone that has a text message that says, “LOL! Go2 Building J”. They lose sight of Gredenko, so Jack goes to follow. A couple of guys grab Gredenko and bring him inside a building.
9:45 pm – Inside the building, Gredenko shows Fayed the transmitter. Fayed mistakes this for an iPod at first, but realizes it’s a transmitter, and he’s not happy. Gredenko tells him that Fayed needs to listen so they both get out alive, and Fayed says that since it’s not an iPod, he’s not sure out that’s going to work.
9:46 pm – Jack pulls his gun, enters the building but doesn’t see anyone. He looks around a bit more and finds Gredenko’s arm on the ground! Jack withholds his earlier vampiric tendency and doesn’t start chewing on it, but is able to use that same tendency to pick up the blood trail that Gredenko is leaving behind.
9:52 pm – Jack continues to follow the trail and is so frustrated that Doyle isn’t there, he tells CTU to make Doyle set up a perimeter as soon as he gets there. Jack finally catches up, and there’s a lot of shooting. Jack says “Show me your head” to one of the bad guys, and he does, so Jack shoots him.
9:53 pm – An Arab and a one armed Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?” (Sorry, and oldie but goodie). Gredenko really looks like he needs a drink. He’d be a great two… er, one-fisted drinker right now. As Fayed moves to the back of the bar, Gredenko loudly announces to everyone that Fayed is the guy they’re looking for. Fayed takes a couple of shots, runs out of bullets and some nice patriotic Americans start showing Fayed what they think of him by high-fiving him in the face with their fists. Gredenko escapes.
9:54 pm – Jack enters and starts shooting some completely innocent ceiling tiles, and says he’s talking Fayed. One of the guys in the bar says that his friend was shot, Jack says they’ll get him a doctor, and Fayed says that he hopes the friend is dead! Jack doesn’t like that kind of talk, so he boots Fayed in the face. Jack tells Bill that he has Fayed, and the tactical guys need to search for Gredenko, who’ll be the person that could audition for the remake of “The Fugitive”.
9:54 pm – Wayne is feeling really bad and asks the doctor to give him something to keep going. The doctor reluctantly agrees and gives him an injection. Wayne gets a call from Bill, who informs him that Jack caught Fayed.
9:55 pm – Down by the beach, Gredenko is under a pier stumbling along. It looks like he’s beginning to think that the whole “chopping off an arm” thing was a bad idea, and falls over, the ocean washing over him. I bet it’s the last time he tries THAT.
9:57 pm – Karen goes to Lennox and declares a truce. Karen asks about the whole “withdrawn suit” thing that Noah just did, and Lennox says he has no idea what happened, but would be happy to tell her all about it later. Lennox gets a phone call, and surprise! Now WAYNE wants to launch a strike!
9:59 pm – It turns out that Wayne is a maniac too, because that whole thing about wanting to be president wasn’t to stop the nuclear strike, it was just to regain his power. All that sympathy for Wayne everyone has been feeling just went up in smoke with the nuclear weapon he just launched at the STILL unnamed country.
10:00 pm – Time’s up! (And most importantly, NO AUDREY!)
NEXT TIME ON “24”: WAYNE TRIES TO KARATE CHOP A TABLE, BUT FAILS! JACK TRIES TO PUNCH FAYED AND SUCCEEDS! WAYNE FALLS OVER! TRUCKS COLLIDE! JACK GETS SHOT AND FALLS OVER, PRETENDING TO BE DEAD (WE HOPE!)