Previously on “24”, we found out: If you tell someone you’ll lend them a hand, it’s important to make sure they understand that’s just an expression; A tactical nuclear strike is a good way to surprise people; It’s never a good idea to go for a moonlight stroll under the Santa Monica pier, because you’ll never know what you might find.
The following summary occurred between 10 pm and 11 pm:
10:00 pm – It’s just like one of the joint chiefs to walk in front of the television everyone’s watching. Lennox argues that holding the Unnamed Country responsible for Fayed’s action is pretty pointless because nobody is really sure which country Fayed is from, or which country is about to be hit with a nuclear weapon.
10:01 pm – Karen calls Bill, and Bill says that Jack isn’t optimistic about breaking Fayed, since he’s shatter resistant. Karen mentions that Wayne has decided to become a very well-known person in the Middle East, and asks Bill to “pretext” something to stop the missile. “Pretext” is CTU talk for “lie”. Bill refuses.
10:02 pm – Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking tells Wayne that someone with an RSS feed has tagged the missile, and there are many radar installations, jets, and several hot air balloons on the way to intercept the missile. Wayne helpfully points out that the missile has gotten someone’s attention.
10:03 pm – Nobody says anything because everyone thinks it’s someone else’s turn to say the next line.
10:04 pm – Someone finally breaks the silence with a phone call, and Lennox answers it. Surprise! It’s “The Ambassador” from Unnamed Country. He says that they’ve noticed the nuclear warhead headed towards their country, and within the last couple of minutes identified General Habib as someone that’s been helping Fayed all this time! They’ve even been interrogating him! All within the last few minutes. Wow, these guys are FAST. I sure hope they only have one General Habib, because that seems like a pretty common General name, even in Unnamed Country.
10:05 pm – Two minutes left until no more Unnamed Country, and Wayne finally gives the order to abort the nuclear weapon, asks The Ambassador to star in a guest spot for the duration of the season, and hangs up. Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking waits until after Wayne hangs up to abort the launch, telling the guy on the other end to ditch the nuclear weapon in the gulf. Lennox says that he’s sure that somebody in Unnamed Country has watched James Bond movies, and it’s going to occur to someone over there to grab some scuba gear, some underwater transports, and go get the weapon. Surprise! It turns out it doesn’t matter, because Wayne just had someone write “Nuclear” on the side of a regular old missile, and it completely faked everyone out. Turns out that Wayne isn’t a homicidal maniac after all, he just likes to scare his cabinet ever so often. It’s going to be a while before someone tops that one. Wayne orders the new information about Habib sent to CTU.
10:07 pm – In the CTU food storage and interrogation room, Jack slips on a banana while hitting Fayed and almost makes the CTU blooper reel. Fayed doesn’t seem to notice this, because he looks like he is meditating, or just really tired. Fayed asks if Jack is enjoying himself, which is a pretty dumb question. Fayed doesn’t talk. Bill calls to tell Jack that Mohmar Habib (equivalent English name: Joe Jones) has been working with Fayed, and Bill tells him to try something more drastic, like threatening Fayed with a ham sandwich. Meanwhile, Doyle tries to tell Fayed that no one will remember his name because it’s hard to spell, and his first name, “Abu” makes people think of The Simpsons. Fayed points out that it’s not spelled the same in The Simpsons, but Doyle ignores that and tells him that Fayed’s second in command will get all the glory. Fayed asks Doyle if he really thinks he’ll get anywhere playing on his vanity. Doyle says that he doesn’t play on furniture. Fayed says he serves the will of God, and Doyle says he’s pretty sure God has never made out a will, and nearly shoots Fayed. Jack interrupts and tells Doyle not to shoot. Jack says that Burke back at CTU hasn’t given any drugs to anyone all season, and it’s his turn to try with Fayed. Fayed doesn’t look the least bit concerned about any of this, or the fact that the blood coming out of his nose is coming out at a 45 degree angle.
10:15 pm – Lennox brings Habib’s file to President Wayne, and it appears that Habib is really South American, not Mid Eastern. Lennox mentions that Sandra won’t be making any speeches soon, because she’s on her way back to see Wahlid. Wayne confesses that the Joint Chiefs and he were able to concoct the entire “fake bomb” scenario a while ago during a commercial break, so no one figured it out. Lennox apologizes to Wayne. Wayne says without everything that happened, it wouldn’t have been nearly as dramatic over the last couple of hours. Wayne also says he’s not his brother David, and Lennox agrees that Wayne is much more alive than David. Wayne asks about Noah’s quick withdrawal, but Lennox doesn’t tell him what happened.
10:16 pm – Wayne reaches for a pen, but a force field around it keeps him from doing so! Wayne’s hand shakes!
10:17 pm – In the CTU transport van, Jack and Doyle argue about the effectiveness of pharmaceutical interrogation. Fayed says he’s not scared of any of this talk because back in terrorist school he was subjected to “The Simple Life” for 98 hours straight, so he can withstand anything. While everyone argues, the person driving the car pays absolutely NO attention to the road and slams into an armored car going the opposite direction. The CTU van lands on its side.
10:18 pm – Turns out that this is not your ordinary armored car. It’s from Terrorist Home Insecurity, and it’s packing a lot of terrorists. They all have posture problems and are carrying very heavy guns, because none of them is standing up straight, and they’re holding their guns with both hands. Jack orders Doyle out the back of the van with Fayed. Jack kicks out the windshield, and suddenly all the terrorists see Jack! Fortunately for Jack they’re all REALLY bad shots, at least for the most part because Jack shoots a lot of them even though they have machine guns. One of the stray bullets hits Doyle!
10:19 pm – Someone clearly didn’t get the memo, because one of them shoots Jack! That guy is definitely not going to be invited back as a guest terrorist next year. The rest of the terrorists run to get Fayed, and bring him back to their armored car. Fayed remarks on the happy coincidence that his men just happened to be driving by, but no one hears him. The terrorists leave.
10:20 pm – Jack, having proven earlier that he’s one of the undead, suddenly sits up! So does Doyle! Turns out that Wayne isn’t the only one pulling amazing pranks tonight. The whole thing is a set up. At this rate Gredenko will be back any minute waving his hands at Jack with one hand.
10:21 pm – Jack and Doyle jump into a car, and head after Fayed. Fayed is in a special Allen Funt equipped CTU van. CTU has replaced all of Fayed’s usual terrorists with special fake CTU terrorists…. Let’s see if he notices!
10:22 pm – One of the fake terrorists introduces himself as definitely NOT a CTU agent, but really someone that was sent by General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 asks where Fayed wants to go. Fayed suppresses saying “Disney World!”, and instead asks for a gun. One of the fake terrorists gives him one. Fayed says that he wants to speak to General Habib, and Fake Terrorist #1 tells him that it’s been impossible to get a hold of Habib because he’s speed dialing American Idol. Fayed says he won’t tell them where to go, until he’s talked to General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 says, “As you wish”. It’s a good thing that Fayed never saw The Princess Bride, because if he did, Fake Terrorist #1 probably would have been shot. Jack tells Bill to somehow get General Habib to cooperate, and Bill says that he’ll call the White House, forgetting that everyone is now underneath the White House.
10:27 pm – Bill informs Wayne of Jack’s plan to trick Fayed, and Wayne seems pretty impressed, even though Jack didn’t resort to nuclear weapons for his prank. Bill says that even though this was a pretty good prank, Fayed hasn’t fallen for it completely yet, and has asked to talk to General Habib. Bill’s talking pretty loudly, which he usually does when he sticks that piece of metal into his ear. Someone really needs to tell him about that. Lennox says that Karen is in another room meeting The Ambassador. Wayne says he’ll try and put pressure on The Ambassador, and Bill suggests maybe just asking him will work. Wayne gets up to talk to The Ambassador and suddenly slumps over, much to Lennox’s surprise. Wayne blames this on extreme localized gravity, tells Lennox to have someone check on that, and goes to meet with The Ambassador.
10:29 pm – The Ambassador tries to make friends with Wayne again, but Wayne won’t have it. Wayne informs The Ambassador of the plan. The Ambassador doesn’t think Habib is going to cooperate. Karen suggests being a little more forceful. The Ambassador says that he resents her tone, and suggests she get a little more sun to correct that. The Ambassador says they’ve done everything to get Habib to talk: they talked to him, they arrested his family, and even cancelled his subscription to Terrorist Today, but nothing is working. Wayne asks if they’ve threatened to kill Habib’s family, which even takes The Ambassador by surprise. He starts to say, “Well, duh! That’s the first thing we always try”, but catches himself and says, “Excuse me?” Karen says that he’s excused, and it’s down the hall and to the left. The Ambassador says this is all very barbaric. This makes Wayne really mad, and says that he doesn’t want to hear about it, because he knows how The Ambassador treats barbers in Unnamed Country. Wayne hands The Ambassador a phone, and tells him to make sure Habib doesn’t give away what CTU is up to.
10:31 pm – Bill tells Nadia that Habib will make a phone call to Fake Terrorist #1 and that Habib doesn’t speak English. Nadia says she’ll set up a separate channel to translate. Nadia tries to ask Milo to do it, but Milo has his sockets up in a bunch for some reason and won’t do it. Turns out that Milo didn’t like Nadia acting concerned when she found out that Doyle was bleeding earlier.
10:32 pm – Meanwhile, Morris either a really bad eavesdropper, has sprung a leak, or both, and asks what’s going on. Milo says he’ll set up a channel.
10:33 pm – Fayed orders the armored car to pull into a garage, which is completely wide open and has plenty of room, since there are no cars anywhere to be seen. I assume that’s because no one drives cars in L.A. after 10 pm. Jack and Doyle pull up outside. Fayed asks Fake Terrorist #1 why he’s never heard of him before, and Fake Terrorist #1 says Fayed should know by now how this works: Minor characters are introduced in the show, are shot, and are quickly forgotten. In the middle of explaining this, Fake Terrorist #1’s phone rings. Surprise! It’s General Habib. Even Fayed looks surprised. Nadia translates the conversation which she says goes like this:
Habib: “Hey, it’s me”
Fayed: “How’s it going? Did you send these guys?”
Habib: “Yeah, I did. Why didn’t you blow up anything else?”
Fayed: “I’ve been busy. I’ve been trying to stay awake, but I haven’t seen a Starbucks in hours”.
Habib: “I find that hard to believe. You failed, I should have sent Samir. Can you still use the bombs?”
Habib: “Call me back when you get there. I’ll send you a new target. Do you understand?”
Fayed: “Yeah, yeah.”
Fayed tells the driver that the safe house isn’t far, and to head for the 110 freeway.
10:36 pm – The armored car leaves. Jack and Doyle follow.
10:37 pm – Karen asks if Wayne is feeling OK, but he clearly isn’t because his voice could be entered into a “talking like this” contest. The Ambassador says that he’s happy that everything worked out so well, and he’ll have to remember that “threaten the family” trick for later. Wayne tells Karen to show The Ambassador out, even though it’s Lennox’ turn to do that. The Ambassador says that he thought he had a promise to stay until the end of this season, but Wayne insists that he should leave.
10:38 pm – Wayne starts grunting a lot, and tells Lennox to lock the door. Lennox looks really alarmed because the last time he saw this happen, the Incredible Hulk showed up out of no where, and he doesn’t want to see that happen. Wayne collapses.
10:41 pm – CTU has everyone in place and ready to go, with snipers on both sides of everything because of what happened a couple of hours ago. Nadia comes up to point out that after some analysis, she found out that the Samir person Habib was referring to was killed two years ago. Milo suggests that maybe Habib is referring to another Samir. He also suggests that if Samir is dead, Habib might be gathering an army of The Forsaken, but no one hears this. Nadia points out that it might be a code that General was using, and if you look carefully you can see Morris throw his arms up into the arm and mouth the words, “Well, duh!” Bill tells Nadia that was good work she did to figure all that out.
10:43 pm – Bill tells Jack about the Samir code that Habib used, and Jack calls Fake Terrorist #1. Jack tells FT #1 about the code, and just as he’s doing so, a dramatic plot device in the form of static happens! Chloe tells Jack that it’s probably the tunnel ahead. Jack says, “How long is it?” Chloe tells Jack they have 17 minutes left, and Jack says that’s not what he meant. Chloe tells him 120 yards, but it hasn’t come out of the tunnel yet. Jack tells the CTU teams that he had Doyle are going to engage, and someone over the communications link says, “We had no idea! Congratulations!”, but Jack ignores this.
10:44 pm – Jack and Doyle drive into the tunnel, which is mysteriously completely empty, just like most of the streets in L.A. have been. The armored car is stopped in the middle. Jack and Doyle check, and everyone with a non-speaking part is dead, and Fayed is gone. Jack looks around and suspects that the door in the wall with all the bullet holes near the doorknob is probably where Fayed went. Since this is a common thing in L.A., he approaches with a little bit of skepticism. Jack kicks in the door and points the gun straight up, just in case Fayed suddenly got Sister Bertrille powers.
10:45 pm – Jack moves into the main area where all the machinery required to operate the tunnel is located, looking for Fayed. Jack sneaks around and finds that Fayed just mugged someone! He’s fitting right into the L.A. criminal lifestyle already! Fayed jumps into a big (but inconspicuous) white garbage truck, not noticing that Jack is doing a great Indiana Jones impression by hanging on underneath the truck. L.A. is one glitzy place because they even have lights underneath the truck. Jack makes a very loud phone call to Bill to let him know where the truck is headed, but drops the phone. Bill asks Chloe to figure out what she can. Doyle finds a dead body at the loading dock, so they’re pretty sure Jack was nearby.
10:51 pm – Wayne’s doctor hurriedly straps a pocket calculator to Wayne’s wrist and begins calculating how much overtime he’s going to get for this extended under White House call. The doctor wants to take Wayne to the medical unit, but Wayne refuses. Wayne asks for another shot of adrenaline. When the doctor refuses, Wayne looks like he’s going to cry, but then decides to go for a walk saying he feels happy. The doctor tries to resign, but Wayne says that they’re all in this season together and they have to stay until the end just like everyone else. The doctor leaves. Wayne asks Lennox to call CTU to find out what’s happening.
10:54 pm – Meanwhile, under the truck, Jack prays for no speed bumps as Fayed drives into his secret hideout. Fayed tells Halil that Gredenko betrayed him and now he just wants to blow something up, so they’re going to downtown Los Angeles for take-out. Halil doesn’t seem to understand this until Fayed corrects himself and says, “I mean, we’re going to take out downtown Los Angeles”. The men and Fayed all leave, except for one guy, who will probably be killed by Jack shortly.
10:55 pm – The guy takes three steps, Jack karate chops him in the shins, slams him to the floor and kills him. Jack enters the building, following Fayed to the bombs. Jack starts shooting, killing nearly everyone but Fayed. Fayed and Jack shoot at each other, both running out of bullets at the same time. They look at each other with looks like “What are the odds of THAT happening?”, and Jack runs up to give Fayed a giant bear hug., except it’s more of an I’m going to kill you hug. They fight until they can barely move. Jack crawls over and uses a hanging chain as a defensive weapon, and is thankful he took that elective in CTU training school. He bites Fayed in the arm, since he hasn’t bitten anyone in a few hours now, and wraps the chain around Fayed’s neck. Jack tells Fayed “Say hello to your brother”, and presses a control button near the chain. Fayed suddenly wishes that he was about 5 inches taller, because he’s lifted right off the ground and dies by strangulation.
10:58 pm – Doyle finds Jack. Doyle seems pretty impressed with how Jack ended up killing Fayed, and calls CTU to let them know that everything is OK. Doyle gets a phone call. Doyle hands to phone to Jack.
10:59 pm – It’s AUDREY! The Chinese have brought her back to life! Chang wants Jack to call 310-597-3781 in ten minutes! An entire plot line is dropped for an even bigger terrorist threat: The return of Audrey!
11:00 pm – Time’s up!
NEXT TIME: CHANG WANTS A COMPONENT OR THEY’LL KILL AUDREY! NOAH WON’T RESIGN. WAYNE OWES JACK! DOYLE AND JACK PULL GUNS ON EACH OTHER!