I’m one of the many people that posts on the “24” thread every week over on the Dave Barry blog, and I write summaries of the show while the show is playing and post them over there. (I’m the “Steve” that Dave refers to over in some of his posts. Since I have my own blog too, this is where I keep the archives of what I write over there.
Summary of “24”, Season 6, Episode 1
The following summary takes place between 6 am and 7 am
6 am – Lots of news broadcasts talking about bombings. The news broadcasters say they don’t want to start a witch-hunt, but if anyone sees someone that weighs the same as a duck, it has to be reported immediately.
6:01 am – An Arabic man tries to get on a bus, but the nervous bus driver seems to want to be an extra in future episodes, so he doesn’t let him on. The man is very upset, but gets slightly less upset when someone with an explosive MP3 player blows up that very same bus, after seeing a light in a window from a building in the distance. L.A. is going to need a new bus too.
6:02 am – JANOSZ (the guy in Ghostbusters 2) with a very weird accent, even for him, is questioning Madam Haig. Haig is very upset about her new haircut, and the fact that Janosz wants to lock up Muslims. They turn and we see President WAYNE!
6:03 am – Haig tells Wayne that 23 people blew up in the bus. Wayne looks at a folder, and we see that JULIAN BASHIR from Star Trek Deep Space Nine is the one that is probably behind all the bombing attacks! A member of congress in the background wants to start an investigation about why bus manufacturers are making explosive buses. Haig said he beamed down to the United States three days ago. They all think that by phasering Julian, there’s a pretty good chance all the bombings that have been happening in the US will stop.
6:04 am – First look at CTU, and Milo and Morris are arguing about whether or not Morris will be selling ladies shoes again, because he hasn’t been putting cover sheets on his CTU reports.
6:05 am – Chloe is looking very stylish, and Morris even calls her a “hottie”. (Morris is her ex-husband). Chloe gets a weird message about having to set up a channel to Homeland Security, but needs clearance. Nadia, who appears to be her boss, says “Consider yourself clear”. I had no idea Chloe was a Scientologist.
6:06 am – Somehow they’ve figured out where Julian is hiding, and when Chloe finishes twenty questions with Nadia, we find out that they got Jack out of the Chinese prison! The president got Jack out two days prior, which you would think would be pretty big news around CTU.
6:07 am – Bill is going to meet Jack at Camp Magu. Lots of army guys run up to an army transport plane, and Jack gets off the plane! Jack has a beard and raggy clothes. The Chinese envoy tells Bill that Jack hasn’t spoken in two years, and Bill tells him that’s because Jack doesn’t speak any Chinese.
6:09 am – Curtis takes Jack to a dark room with a small bright light that shines on Jack, which you would think would be the last thing that Jack would want to see after seeing the same thing during interrogations for the last two years. I guess they’re trying to make him feel comfortable. Bill tells Jack that President Wayne wants to see him personally.
6:10 am – Bill tells Jack that Julian, who goes by the name Assad here on Earth, has been exploding buses, people and small furry animals all over the place. One of Assad’s men has struck a deal to hand over Assad as soon as Jack is dead. The guy’s name is Abu Fayed. These guys really know how to turn Jack’s really great day into a really bad day. They tell Jack that as soon as they had Jack over, Jack will be on his own. Jack’s day just got much worse.
6:12 am – Now, the very first word out of Jack’s mouth, the very first one is Audrey! I think they must have used it as a torture device. Bill tells him that Audrey and Kim don’t know that he’s back, and that Audrey went to a failed series on another network. Jack asks that it be kept that way (He doesn’t want to see Audrey either).
6:13 am – Jack asks to freshen up a bit, and asks for the powder room. He looks in the mirror, says “Candyman” three times, but nothing happens, so that plan is out. Jack starts to change clothes.
6:19 am – Haig gets a phone call from Bill, and he tells her that it’s much worse than he expected: Jack asked for Audrey. YOW! Haig looks at a ring on her finger! She’s engaged to Bill! She says that she wishes she could go on stakeout with Bill right now, but can’t because of this whole “Turn Jack over to the Terrorists” thing. They both say they miss each other, which must be some kind of friendly shooting range lingo at CTU. He says they have to drop off Jack with the terrorists, and then he’ll swing buy and pick up the groceries.
6:20 am – Chloe watches the news as they tell everyone that they’ve raised the terror alert level up to “Super Red”, since it was just “Red” before. Chloe asks Nadia why she can’t get ahold of Bill or Curtis, since they are picking up Jack. Nadia isn’t talking. Chloe pulls out the Geek Knives and tells Nadia that she’ll call division and tell everyone about the time that Nadia left the Jarvis firewall unsecured; Nadia says that she only left open port 80, and 8080 so she could try out the new Tomcat beta, but Chloe isn’t buying it. Nadia tells Chloe about Fayed’s demands, one of which is Jack. Nadia explains that Jack shot Fayed’s brother in the thighs in Lebanon, and Fayed’s brother died.
6:23 am – Just to make it extra hard to get Jack back, CTU gave Fayed radio frequencies, satellite frequencies, and all the car alarms for everyone at CTU. They’ll know if anyone is coming for Jack. Chloe wants to call Haig and Wayne about this situation, but they already know. Chloe looks like someone hit her with a taser – completely stunned.
6:24 am – Curtis and Bill are driving Jack to the drop location. Jack has either forgotten that he’s not supposed to keep the top button of his shirt buttoned if he’s not wearing a tie, or is disguised as a nerd. Wayne calls Bill to talk to Jack, and tries to explain the situation. Jack looks like he doesn’t want to keep getting reminded by everyone that he’s the one being sacrificed.
6:28 am – Haig confronts Janosz. Janosz has started to set up detention centers in several cities, and he explains that they aren’t detention centers… they’re sports camps! Haig isn’t buying it.
6:28 am – Curtis, Bill, and Jack are out in a canal somewhere in LA, and Bill gets a phone call from Fayed telling him that he wants Jack in a party dress and hat. Bill says he forgot those, so Fayed relents and tells him to just handcuff Jack to the grate on the wall. Jack looks at Bill and tells him, “Today I can die for something. My way, my choice”. That’s our Jack. Twenty-three and a half hours more tell me that Jack isn’t going without a fight.
6:36 am – A couple watching TV argue about sending their kid to school, a kid that has the same hairstyle as Derek, the kid from last season. A neighbor across the street is being arrested by the FBI, and Kumar from “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” comes running out of the house. A couple of guys chase Kumar, who’s name here is Ahmed, into his house. The father from across the street comes running over, and tells the guys that just because Ahmed made a bad movie once, it’s no reason to try and beat him up. The father convinces Ahmed to stay with them.
6:39 am – Bill calls Nadia to coordinate a military attack when they figure out where Assad is. Nadia tells Bill that Chloe found out about Jack. It doesn’t occur to either of them that Chloe might be up to something.
6:41 am – Morris comes over to Chloe, and tries to help by hacking into a Uzbekistan satellite. I’m beginning to see why these two like each other so much.
6:42 am – The terrorists just happen to have exactly the same handcuff keys that Bill had for the special CTU handcuffs they used on Jack. They use them to get Jack out of the handcuffs and take him into a terrorist brand van where they knock him out.
6:43 am – They have some pretty good computer guys on the terrorist side this time, because one of them figured out that one of the Uzbek satellites seems to be watching Fayed’s exact location. Fayed doesn’t believe it, and thinks it might be part of some DirectTV promotion, but is finally convinced.
6:44 am – Fayed calls CTU and gives them 30 seconds to redirect the satellite Morris tuned in on them. Morris finally redirects the satellite at the last possible second to heighten the dramatic effect, and now Fayed says he’ll have to “think about” giving them Assad’s location. Nadia picks up the phone, says something in Arabic, and Fayed hangs up.
6:46 am – Bill heard what happened, tells Chloe that they might have just sacrificed Jack for nothing, and they both put on their really sad faces.
6:52 am – Bill has to make a phone call to Haig that he wasn’t able to pick up the groceries, that they should go out to dinner when she gets back that night, and that Chloe and Morris might have jeopardized the entire plan by aiming a satellite at Fayed. Haig pulls out her angry eyes and really yells at Bill.
6:53 am – At terrorist headquarters, they drag Jack into a room where it looks like they’re going to do some really yucky medical experiments on Jack. They hook him up to a heart monitor. Fayed knifes Jack right in the shoulder and pours light beer on Jack’s wound, making Jack scream like anyone would in the same situation.
6:54 am – For the second time, Jack tells Fayed to call CTU with the information about Assad, and it turns out that Assad isn’t the real wacko of this whole thing… Fayed is. So this whole thing with Assad won’t matter. Fayed has become addicted to blowing things up, and is going to continue no matter what happens to Assad. Assad is coming to STOP the attacks and to stop Fayed. Fayed says Jack will die for nothing.
6:57 am – Fayed calls Bill and tells him that Assad’s location is at latitude 9 6 7, longitutde 5 3 0 9. Morris tries to comfort Chloe by telling her that Jack won’t have died for nothing, and whispers some bytecodes into her ear.
6:58 am – Fayed nearly cuts of Jack’s finger when he gets an important phone call. It turns out Ahmed (Kumar, remember?) is working with Fayed! He wants to exact revenge on Hollywood for that movie! Ahmed tells Fayed that his father was picked up by the FBI. Turns out that Kumar’s father isn’t the guy the FBI wanted…it’s Ahmed!
6:59 am – Jack shakes his heart monitor loose, and a terrorist lackey comes over to check on it. Jack recreates his role as one of “The Lost Boys” and bites the guy right in the neck. He pulls the keys off the dead guy. Jack escapes! He’s hiding under a grate!
7:00 am – Time’s up!
Be sure and catch all of Steve’s summaries of Season 6 of “24”!