I join the folks over on Dave Barry’s Blog on Monday nights to do a Mystery Science Theater” style commentary about the TV show . People seem to like it there, so I’m reposting it here:
6 pm – Terrorist car guy, having just shot The Hobbit’s sister and boyfriend, leaves the building to go reprogram the key card in his car, where all terrorist keep their computer equipment, and do a Michael Jackson “Black and White” morph.
6:02 – Manilow yells some more at Bill at CTU, wanting to know what’s going on. Bill says that, apparently, Manilow is actually President of the United States, but he has no explanation for this.
6:04 – Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter is at CTU! Audrey sees her and almost cries.
6:05 – Audrey tells Jack that she almost cried when she saw him, and Jack tells Audrey she cries at everything. Jack gives her the OK. She starts crying, and Jack tells that’s not what he meant. She can go ahead and tell Kim.
6:06 – Kim introduces Audrey to “Barry”. Audrey says that if “Barry” comes in contact with President Manilow, the universe will implode, and that Jack is alive.
6:07 – Kim looks as if she just found out that she’s making less money than everyone else in the case.
6:08 – There’s a Scary looking guy in waiting for Manilow, and it turns out he’s the vice-president. Since he’s second in command, I have absolutely no expectations for this guy whatsoever. I’m surprised this guy is actually breathing. Cheney Looking Guy looks surprised too, because he thought HE was the vice-president.
6:09- The Scary Vice President (SVP) appears to have more guts that Manilow himself, although he’s already starting to do Scary things. Manilow will let ANYONE talk him into ANYTHING. I’m just waiting for Scary to tell Manilow to do the Riverdance, because in the state he’s in, Manilow might just do it.
6:11 – Buckaroo is trying to make a deal with Jack, but won’t tell Jack what he wants to know. Jack’s having none of it, because if he knew the whole plot the show would end early.
6:12 – Terrorist car guy is IN CTU! This can’t be good.
6:17 – Curtis is on his way back. Jack is back. Kim is back. Everyone’s back. Even “Barry”.
6:18 – Jack goes to see his daughter, Kim, because he always has time for touching moments during the middle of terrorists situations. Kim’s mad. And “Barry” mouths off to Jack. Baaaaaad idea, “Barry”.
6:20 – Kim doesn’t want to her Jack’s explanation, and wants to leave. Jack asks her to stay, but she needs to talk to “Barry”. Kim begins to do an Audrey impression, and starts to cry.
6:21 – Terrorist Car Guy has a gizmo with the layout of CTU, which is as accessible to terrorists as Manilow’s cell phone number. He goes into what looks like the server room, and looks fans that lead to the ventilation system. My guess is that he’s not going to be putting apple pies in there so everyone can get a nice whiff.
6:22 – Tony’s back in the hospital area of CTU. He confronts Bill and wants to know what’s going on, but Bill says he can’t tell him. Tony wants to know who killed Michelle. I think that if Tony spots Buckaroo, Buckaroo is going to go “Banzai” at the hands of Tony.
6:25 – Buckaroo is strapped into the chair in the interrogation room, and Jack finds out that Kim is dating her shrink. Jack thinks that Robocop is going to be a tough nut to crack. Edgar pops up and asks Jack if he means “Beer Nuts”.
6:27 – Robocop ain’t talking, so he lets a random CTU guy start pumping Robocop up with some CTU drugs that make Robo press his lips together really hard. Jack tells random CTU guy to use the drugs that loosen his lips, not tighten them.
6:32 – Mrs. Manilow’s outside for a smoke and Cheney Looking Guy says that Manilow needs her. Cheney Looking Guy wants Mrs. Manilow to stop Scary Vice President.
6:35 – Yup…server room. Terrorist guy just shut down the ventilation system. Kerry tries to warn Edgar, but since she has no food, he snaps at her. She goes to check out the problem with the vent system.
6:36 – Mrs. Manilow goes to see Manilow, who tries to look aloof, which is good, because he’s been acting like a Loof. He asks her to forgive him, and they share a tender moment. Edgar hears this, and calls to ask about “Tender Vittles”, but they tell him to get back to work.
6:38 – Kerry goes into the server room to check and sees the vents. She tries to make a phone call with her cell phone, and for the first time in the last hour and thirty-eight minutes, the cell signal doesn’t work because of the cement walls. Terrorist Guy kills her.
6:43 – Terrorist Guy places the canister to go off in 15 minutes, which again, is the top of the hour, the time for all critical plot twists.
6:44 – Kim goes to see Chloe, and Chloe confesses that she knew Jack was alive. Chloe tells Kim to cut Jack some slack, since President All-State and Michelle bought the farm, Tony nearly bought a small garden, and Chloe narrowly escaped buying a timeshare.
6:45 – Bill goes to see The Hobbit, and tells The Hobbit that LAPD found his sister dead. The Hobbit says that’s impossible. The LAPD would have taken weeks to find that out. The Hobbit seems pretty broken up, because Gandalf isn’t coming. The Hobbit admits that the CTU key card was taken.
6:47 – Bill calls Chloe to check the card, and Chloe finds that the card was used! IT’S LOCKDOWN TIME!
6:48 – Buckaroo is made of pretty tough stuff. (They haven’t figured out he’s really Robocop yet) A buzzer on the medical device, the CTU lockdown signal and Jack’s phone go off at the same time. No one thinks this is the least bit strange. I suspect Edgar’s messing the the computers to distract everyone while he raids the candy machine.
6:52 – Bill sends Jack into the North entrance. Red shirt guard, in grand Star Trek tradition, gets beaten up and taken hostage.
6:54 – Terrorist guy shoots him when an alarm goes off when they try and use a service entrance, which was clearly marked “SERVICE ENTRANCE. ALARM WILL SOUND”. Terrorist guy grabs a walkie-talkie for his kid.
6:55 – Jack finds the dead guard and notices that the walkie-talkie is missing. Jack sends a fake message to Audrey and Bill about where the terrorist is, and she sees him onscreen so she knows what he’s up to. Edgar behind Audrey and Bill, and is in the background shaking a candy machine.
6:56 – Terrorist Guy goes to leave, and Jack catches him. Terrorist Guy drops the gun, tries to shoot Jack with another gun (do NONE of these guys know about Jack?) and Jack kills him.
6:57 – Jack finds the device on Dead Terrorist Guy, and tells Bill about the little device that Dead Terrorist Guy had. Bill orders an immediate Code 6 evacuation. The phone rings, Chloe picks it up. Edgar is in the server room, finds Kerry dead, and leaves the room just as the canister starts passing gas.
6:58 – Gas is in CTU, and people are dying. Chloe does the lockdown.
6:59 – Robocop looks like he’s in stasis. People are dying all over the place.
Edgar runs back into the room, sees that he’s sealed off and dies.
Ah man! Not Edgar!