I join the folks over on Dave Barry’s Blog on Monday nights to do a Mystery Science Theater” style commentary about the TV show . People seem to like it there, so I’m reposting it here:
7pm – Someone on a loud speaker is stating the completely obvious, which is don’t leave the sealed rooms. You’d think the dead bodies would be the first clue.
7:01 – The gas masks are completely safe in the gas filled rooms. No danger of human contamination.
7:02 – Jack wants Chloe to go back to her job, but she’s still upset about Edgar. The camera pans to Edgar who tries to get up, but someone off-stage pushes him back down.
7:03 – “Barry” to the rescue, to try and talk to Chloe. He starts singing “Mandy”.
7:04 – A red shirt guard starts to dress down The Hobbit for not reporting that he got beaten up. The Red Shirt guard can sympathize about getting beaten up, but is mad.
7:05 – Jack talks to the Doctor, and Tony finds out that Buckaroo is there. Tony jumps the doctor, and grabs a gun from the guy guarding Buckaroo.
7:06 – Tony tells Buckaroo – “My Name is Tony Almeda. You killed my wife. Prepare to die.”
7:08 – Jack talks Tony out of shooting Buckaroo, reminding him he really liked when Buckaroo was in Robocop.
7:09 – Jack asks about the truth serum, the guy who gave it to him said that more would kill him. Tony says he’s OK with that. Edgar peeks up from behind a desk.
7:10 – Vice President Scary and President Manilow is on the phone with Madam Alexandra Haig, who declares herself “in charge here”.
7:11 – VP Scary thinks it’s possible to clear the streets of LA all people. I suspect he’s planning on using the same system they used to get rid of the cars.
7:12 – A terrorist flunky asks IEST (Impecible English Speaking Terrorist) what he wants to do next, and IEST says “I’m going to Disney World!” When they remind him they’re in California, he decides to release all the rest of the gas instead.
7:17 – Jack interrupts “Barry”, who tells Jack to back off of Chloe… And Jack starts to strangle him for going after Kim. Barry promises not to sing again.
7:18 – Warning message on the monitors say that the seals are breaking down! Chloe thinks it’s acid mixed with the gas, but if they look near the floor, they’d see Edgar has scooted up to the window and is trying to break back in, as if nothing happened.
7:19 – Cheney Looking Guy (CLG) is on the phone trying to convince VP Scary that he’s not interested in “usurping his position”, and that, no, he’s not interested in going to see Broke Back Mountain either. Mrs. Cleavage Manilow is surprised VP Scary is making policy….after all, that’s HER job. CLG tells Cleavage she needs to do something about it. She starts to have a nervous breakdown. CLG says that he meant that she should talk to President Manilow, not have a breakdown.
7:21 – Bill gets on the speaker system to let the other people in the other locked rooms that unless they’re very very careful, Edgar will break into one of their rooms to try and rejoin the cast. And also that the gas is in danger of getting through the seals. They’re going to have to help themselves. Edgar hears “help themselves” and starts rifling through the lunches people brought.
7:22 – Jack wants Chloe to access the ventilation system, and she refuses because there’s gas out there and stuff. Jack tells her to use her computer instead. She says there’s a computer in another part of CTU that can help vent the gas, and by an amazing coincidence, they have a way to get there through a false panel in the wall right behind her! Everyone turns to the camera and gives the “Do you believe that?” look.
7:24 – Jack takes a deep breath, and goes in!
7:28 – Jack’s crawling around the insides of CTU, comes out somewhere and tapes the floor off, blocking Edgar who was right behind him.
7:30 – He’s going into the contaminated area, and prys open a wall panel, only to see that someone has been messing with the computers. It looks like someone installed Mac drivers on a Windows machine.
7:31 – Kim snaps at Chloe, and “Barry” says to “breathe”. Chloe says “What’s with your ‘breathing’? Is that your solution for everything?” I’m not sure what I can add to that.
7:32 – Jack gets to take a breath! Two minutes!
7:32 – They can’t get to the computer. They figure that The Hobbit is in Holding Room 4, and they want him to go to the computer to start the vents going. And, uh, whoops…. there’s no place to go after that, so he’ll, um….die.
7:33 – The Red Shirt guard realizes that they’ll BOTH die, and Jack tells him to look at the shirt color he’s got on, and think Star Trek. Edgar can be heard in the background…. “Don’t do it! It’s a bad career move! You’ll be out of the show!”. Red Shirt doesn’t understand until Edgar says “Think Tasha Yar!”.
7:34 – The Hobbit tells Red Shirt that they have to go to Mount Doom. Red Shirt doesn’t like this one bit.
7:39 – Kim apologies to Chloe. Chloe is having a bad day. Edgar yells “So am I!”
7:41 – Red Shirt’s on the phone with his daughter to say his final goodbye. 🙁
7:42 – The Hobbit opens the door, starts running for the computer and restores the program. It’s going to take 15 minutes He made it back to the room.
7:43 – Jack thanks them both. Red Shirt thinks he’s OK…..but he dies. The Hobbit starts to shake and dies too.
7:46 – Buckaroo still isn’t talking. Jack wants Chloe to work on Buckaroo’s disk. Kim tells Jack that she doesn’t want to be around him. Kim says she noticed that people die when Jack’s around them. She runs to “Barry”. Audrey asks Jack if he’s OK, and he says “No”. Edgar yells “I’m not OK either!”
7:51 – Manilow thinks that VP Scary’s idea is just great and sees to problem with telling the eleventy-bazillion people in LA that they can’t go outside, or try and leave, or anything like that. Nope, he’s thought it through, and he sees no problem. He’s sure everyone will cooperate. Mrs. Manilow tells him that VP Scary is pulling his strings. Manilow starts to tear up, and HE starts singing “Mandy”.
7:52 – Terrorist gets a phone call, and IEST calls a female terrorist, who hangs up on him because she still needs to get info. Oh, and she’s wearing a negligee and is with some guy in an apartment. Typical terrorists.
7:53 – Bill gets a phone call from Madam Haig in Homeland Security, who says she’s in charge. Bill looks pretty upset because first The Dead Hobbit wanted to take over his job, and now SHE does. Bill says he’ll need about 20 in comm, 35 in tactical, and one Edgar. She tells Bill he’ll be there in a minute.
7:54 – Madam Haig wants to take down CTU, and send everyone home! They’re reformating computers! Chloe’s gonna be mad about that! Offscreen, Edgar yelling “SEE! SEE! I TOLD YOU!”
7:57 – Jack tells “Barry” to get Kim out of the city, NOT turn back, and not to sing. Edgar tries to mix in with the crowd as everyone is leaving the rooms they were in, and a giant hook from stage left grabs him, but he doesn’t move. Then a second hook grabs him and he gets pulled off stage.
7:58 – Tony says Buckaroo looks dead and stuff. Jack tries to tell him not to kill Buckaroo, and that he’d regret it.
7:58 – Tony knocks out the other agent, and Tony pulls a hypo to stab Buckaroo, but he can’t do it. BUCKAROO RETURNS TO LIFE AS ROBOCOP AND STABS TONY WITH THE HYPO!
7:59 – Jack finds Tony and tries to call for help. Tony says that Michelle is gone, and dies in Jack’s arms.
Are they going to kill EVERYONE?