The season finale is finally here. As you may know, I post over on Dave Barry’s Blog, and here’s what I posted tonight. I’d like to thank Dave and Judi for letting me post these things over on his blog, and participate along with everyone else over there. It’s a lot of fun!
Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year — especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.
I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they’re going to shut this thing down.
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The following takes place between 5 am and 6 am
5:00 am – A dead guard is guarding the outside of the sub while the Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST) pulls off his mask to reveal that he’s disguising himself as the dog on the Our Gang comedies, using a circle around his eye. His plan, to hit all the major banking, industrial and ESPECIALLY the writers of this hour of 24. He’s lecturing all the guys that are with him…. who look like they’ve heard this all a million times before.
5:01 – Audrey has instant messaging, with WAY too many friends on it, meaning more than just Jack. She messages an Admiral to let him know Russians have taken over the submarine, and single-handedly convinces him that they have to scramble the jets. The Admiral tells her he doesn’t have that many eggs, and it could take a while.
5:02 – Jack’s ready to shoot at some boxes if they move. He sneaks up near the sub, tells CTU what’s going on. CTU tells him they don’t have enough time to wait for the jets because scrambling takes a long time and they don’t want runny jets because they’ll drip over everything. Robocop spots a signal tube beacon, meaning that someone on board that sub is GREAT at holding their breath. Jack tells Chloe to listen for signals from the ship.
5:03 – Robocop wants to make sure that Jack is going to let him go at the end of all this, and to be SURE that Jack won’t shoot his wife’s other thigh. Jack agrees. Robocop wants a gun, and Jack points and laughs at him.
5:04 – Survivor on board! It turns out they’re doing a cross promotion with CBS, and the final survivor appears to be on board the submarine in the most challenging reward challenge yet. Chloe patches him through to Jack.
5:05 – Officer Tim’s on board. He looks about 12 years old, and he tells Jack he knows all about subs from his science class. Officer Tim was surfing the Internet below deck when the alarms went off, and now he’s concerned he has to run this whole sub by himself. He also asks for his Mommy.
5:06 – Jack tells Officer Tim to arm himself (which is always a bad sign for secondary characters in this show), and tells Tim to kill the bad guy he sees. Tim says he’s an engineer, not trained for that, and besides it would be really “icky and stuff”. Jack convinces him to do it by telling Tim they have one of the missiles aimed at Sesame Street.
5:09 – Robocop whines some more about getting a gun, and Jack gives him one.
5:09 – Back at Handbag headquarters, Cheney Looking Guy gives Manilow that bad news: There are still two hours left in the show. That, and the Russians have a submarine with 12 warheads on it. Manilow asks how this can happen, and CLG explains that if it had been on a naval base, nothing exciting would have happened in the show for at least another forty minutes.
5:10 – Mrs. Manilow is making a secret phone call to Aaron, while she’s spying on Manilow and CLG. They’re discussing ways they can get off the show sooner, but Aaron says there appears to be no way out.
5:11 – Chloe, who has access to the exact missile launch times but NOT the shutdown switch for the missiles themselves tells Jack they’re going to have a major plot point in about 9 minutes and 39 seconds. Officer Tim’s back on the phone with Jack, and gives Tim detailed instructions about how to really give the bad guy a very very gravelly singing voice. Jack finally convinces him of doing it by telling him this guy could be the next guy on American Idol. In a really gruesome scene, Tim proves that he’s REALLY not good at killing bad guys quickly.
5:12 – Jack shoots some bad guys! Only 12 minutes in! We’re so proud of Jack. Tim opens the hatch just as the sub makes some definitely Robocop-sounding noises. Chloe tells Jack that really had things are just about to happen with those missiles, like explosions.
5:13 – Jack goes down into the sub to meet Tim. Clearly thinking ahead, Jack makes Tim lead them further into the sub. (This is one of the things they teach you in CTU school. Always make the OTHER guy go first, just in case there is a trap).
5:14 – Jack tells Tim to create a diversion, and to NOT try and shoot everyone in sight when he gets there.
5:15 – Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist wants to toss a missile into San Francisco at a restaurant where a particularly rude waiter works. Tim’s creating a diversion earlier than planned by expertly knocking over a whole box of wrenches. IEST hears that and recognizes it as a non-Terrorist noise, and goes to investigate.
5:15 – A lot of sneaking around by Jack, Tim and terrorists. Jack uses a JackMirror to check his hair and terrorists, and then crawls down towards a terrorists.
5:16 – Chloe announces that the missiles have arms. Or are armed. Something like that Jack gets really mad at this, stands up, and a terrorist attacks Jack’s knife with his throat. The knife wins.
5:17 – Robocop really bravely comes down the corridor after Jack clears the way, and goes to try and disarm the missiles but he’s no Chloe.
5:17 – Jack looks for more terrorists to kill. More sneaking around! The nameless guy following Jack catches a lot of bullets using his chest and falls over.
5:18 – 60 seconds until launch!
5:18 – Someone disarms Jack, but Jack is able to swing the gun and hit IEST. Jack continues the struggle and gives the guy he’s fighting with a steam facial with one of the nearby steam pipes. The guy doesn’t seem to like this AT ALL. Jack tells him his skin already looks a lot smoother.
5:19 – IEST hits Jack with a wrench, and it BOUNCES OFF JACK’S SKULL! Now Jack just looks mad. Jack jumps up, and starts chocking IEST with his legs, which after all the sweating he’s done today have GOT to smell bad.
5:20 – Missiles disarmed, and even Chloe is impressed. Jack breaks IEST’s neck with his legs. Haig has the presence of mind to call off the war planes.
5:20 – Jack goes to find Robocop, but he escaped! Jack goes up topside, and Robocop comes up from behind. Robocop goes to shoot Jack! Fortunately for him, Jack’s seen “Die Hard” like about a bazillion times…. He gave Robocop a gun with no bullets!
5:21 – “I am Jack Bauer. You killed friends of mine. Prepare to die”. Jack shoots, misses Robocop’s thighs, and shoots him in the chest, killing Robocop. Tim sees all this and looks like he does NOT want Jack mad at him.
Commercial
5:27 – Dramatic music blaring from police cars go to Jack, and he gets a car. Back at CTU they ask about Robocop, and Jack informs them he died from bullets traveling at great speed.
5:28 – Jack tells Chloe they need to talk, and she walks 10 feet to a secure phone where no one can hear them. Jack’s going after Manilow!
5:29 – CLG tells Manilow it’s all over. Manilow tells CLG he wants to make a speech at President Allstate’s casket, and CLG looks like he doesn’t want to hear yet ANOTHER speech from Manilow.
5:30 – Mrs. Manilow goes to CLG and tells him to come with her, and CLG looks pretty scared of what she might do to him. She convinces him to come with her.
5:31 – Manilow is on the phone with the Hollywood writer looking guy telling him that everything is going to be taken care of, including Jack Bauer. (Having these guys been paying attention at ALL this season?)
5:34 – Mrs. Manilow takes CLG to a secure garage location where Aaron is standing. Aaron explains that he tried to beat up someone using only his nose, and he shows CLG the body in the trunk. Mrs. Manilow spills her guts, and CLG looks pretty convinced. Mrs. Manilow and Aaron get REALLY close to kissing, before Aaron and CLG go off in a car towards the west gate where CLG plans on telling the guard they’re just going out for McDonalds.
Commercial
5:41 – CLG and Aaron are taking a giant wax paper bag full of ex-secret service agent parts into a field when CLG’s phone rings. It’s Jack. He wants to talk to Aaron. Aaron tells Jack about Mrs. Manilow killing the other agent, and Jack says he’s proud of her. They discuss trying to get Manilow to implicate himself in everything.
5:42 – Back at CTU, someone wants Haig back at the Homeland Security office in Washington, at the request of the Manilow.
5:43 – Chloe tells Bill and Haig that she needs a high access clearance for….I swear….A woman’s shoe salesman in Beverly Hills. Bill says “Well, in that case…” and signs the order… It’s CHLOE’S EX-HUSBAND!
5:44 – Morris and Chloe argue, and Chloe tells him this whole thing is an excuse for him to do get a digital transfer rate of 6.5. I think between these two, they could build a supercomputer in their sleep.
5:46 – Mrs. Manilow watches the news about Allstate, while CLG walks in and tells her about Jack’s plan to call Manilow a handbag to his face. Mrs. Manilow asks if Jack’s going to hurt Manilow with a really hopeful look in her eyes.
Commercial
5:53 – Jack drives out to Aaron, who we all know is Outstanding In His Field, and who is also out standing in his field. Jack wants on a secret service helicopter and after about 5 seconds, convinces Aaron that everything will be OK if he just gets near the helicopter.
5:54 – Mrs. Manilow APOLOGIZES to Manilow for calling him a handbag! He says that’s he’s surprised she said she hated him and broke her heart. She says she wishes she could take those words back, and what she really wanted to say is that she hates him, broke her heart, and that she’s a GIANT handbag. Oh wait…she just thinks that.
5:58 – Manilow buys the whole apology! She puts the moves on him! He calls the helicopter to delay, and she looks like she’s about to throw up about what she’s about to do.
5:59 – Aaron and Jack walk into a building pointing guns at the walls just in case they attack. CLG calls Jack and tells him the plane’s delayed. CLG asks how far Jack will go, and Jack says at least a couple of blocks….then realizes what CLG means and says “As far as I have to. But no farther. Because that wouldn’t make sense. Because I would already be there. Then I would be there. That’s as far as I would go. …..I gotta go.”.
Commercial
6:00 – In world record time and handbag fashion, Manilow and Mrs. Manilow are already getting ready to leave for the flight after whatever happened in about two minutes ago.
6:00 – Chloe calls Jack with the info about how he’ll get on the helicopter. He’s going to disguise himself as a cabin steward named Manuel. Chloe turns to Morris to get him to do something, but won’t say what.
6:01 – Helicopter pilot is informed that something is wrong with his green card, and he goes off to see Aaron. CLG goes to confirm this with Aaron.
6:02 – Pilot goes into the building to talk to Aaron, and Jack gives the pilot a giant Jack hug which makes the pilot pass out with joy.
6:05 – Jack, disguised a pilot who is much taller than Jack is in reality, goes to the helicopter and gives the pilot new instructions.
6:06 – CLG tells Mrs. Manilow that she shouldn’t get on the helicopter, and to make up an outrageous lie that only Manilow will believe. Mrs. Manilow tells Manilow she forgot her meds, and that she thinks he’s the bravest guy in the whole world, a great dancer, and definitely not a handbag. He believes her! Manilow and two secret service guys get on the helicopter. Manilow straps himself into a booster seat.
6:07 – Jack pulls a gun on the pilot and tells him to take off his helmet and rip out his microphone because he heard him singing earlier, and he just can’t stand it.
6:08 – Jack goes back to “talk” to the president, tasers BOTH secret service agents in about two seconds using a “Chloe brand Taser”, and tells Manilow to put on handcuffs. Jack takes off his helmet, and to his credit, Manilow recognizes him. Chloe gives Jack instructions on how to land near an industrial park, which I imagine is suspiciously similar to all the other industrial parks they’ve been around this episode.
6:09 – Manilow wants to know what Jack wants and starts asking questions. Jack gives Manilow a really hard stare and it makes Manilow really nervous and Manilow keeps rambling on and on.
6:10 – Morris is on the phone with Chloe, and Chloe tells him where to drive to. Morris acts really nervous and wants completely out of this as soon as he does the hand off. He really needs to get back to his women’s shoes
6:11 – Helicopter’s landing, and Jack tasers the pilot. He gets Manilow off the plane. Jack shoots a hostile looking door lock, and they enter the building.
6:12 – Jack puts down the gun, takes everything Manilow is carrying, finds the thinnest bar he can find and handcuffs Manilow to it, just to make Manilow look like more of a wimp.
6:13 – Morris gives Jack what he’s carrying, and tells him Chloe wants her to talk to him.
6:14 – Chloe tells Jack that he needs to get a confession from Manilow within the next few minutes before the crack team of security people realize Manilow is missing, or they’ll be sentenced to…. more seasons of “24”.
Commercial
6:18 – Sunrise and Jack’s filming without a director’s license, which can get you in BIG trouble in Hollywood, but Jack is taking that chance. Manilow says he’s stronger than Walt, and that Jack would be surprised he’s tougher than that. A full minute later, Jack gets done laughing at this.
6:19 – Jack tells the story of what happened and wants Manilow to confess about the gas canisters, President Allstate, killing people at malls, high gas prices, bird flu, and a few other things because Jack’s REALLY mad. Manilow acts like he doesn’t know a thing, and it’s pretty convincing.
6:21 – Jack sits down and tells Manilow that he had to disappear because of what Manilow was up to. He tells Manilow that if Manilow thinks that he won’t put a bullet into his head, HE DON’T KNOW JACK. Jack says unless Manilow confesses, he’ll put that bullet in there, by hand if necessary.
6:22 – Manilow tells Jack that he’ll go down in history with Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth if he pulls the trigger. Jack can’t pull the trigger!
6:24 – Agents surround the building, free Manilow and take Jack into custody. Manilow picks up the stuff on the table that Jack took out of his pockets….hehehe….
Commercial
6:29 – Helicopter landing and Mrs. Manilow is waiting. CLG takes a phone call and tells Mrs. Manilow that Jack failed. New emergency backup Secret Service guys come off the helicopter with Manilow. These guys don’t look like they can be tasered easily.
6:30 – Mrs. Manilow poses with Manilow for a photo op. A military band starts playing music as Allstate’s body is taken to the tarmac. Someone whispers to them that they shouldn’t be playing “Living La Vida Loca”, and they switch to something more somber.
6:31 – Mrs. Manilow completely freaks out and starts telling Manilow he’s not fit to be president. Many people behind her don’t look the least bit surprised she’s saying this. Manilow has her taken away into a hanger.
6:32 – Manilow asks if the hanger is secure, goes in and starts knocking Mrs. Manilow around. He asks if he’s wearing a listening device and searches her. He briefly tries on her coat, thinks it looks fashionable and then gets back to searching for something that might be transmitting.
6:33 – Manilow confronts Mrs. Manilow about Jack’s plan to get on the helicopter, and asks why she did that. She said that it was all because he’s a giant handbag. Manilow admits to the gas canisters, President Allstate, and everything. He tells her that if she says anything about this ever again, he’ll make SURE she’s back on “24” next season and she looks completely horrified.
Commercial
6:39 – Manilow is back out on the tarmac with Mrs. Manilow and he salutes a bird on the tarmac.
6:40 – Manilow goes to make a speech about how great everything is in this country. Chloe’s working on something to transmit, and the attorney general is on the phone. Chloe explains that the stuff Jack took off of Manilow has a listening on it. It was hidden in Manilow’s OWN PURSE.
6:41 – The play the recording, and there are lots of people with surprised looks on their faces, except anyone who was paying attention to what was happening on the show when Jack put all those things on the table when he was filming.
6:42 – Phone call to a federal marshal that hasn’t been punched with Jack’s elbow. It’s from the Attorney General.
6:43 – Manilow sees that something is going on when several agents get onto the platform with him, and it looks like he’s pretty sure they’re not there to help him with his purse.
6:44 – Manilow denies everything to the Federal Marshall until the Marshall takes Manilow’s purse out of his hands and shows him the beads that contained the microphone that transmitted everything he just said to Mrs. Manilow.
6:45 – Now it’s Manilow’s turn to try and give the evil eye to Mrs. Manilow. Mrs. Manilow looks highly amused until she can’t contain herself, points and says “Ha! Gotcha!”
6:46 – Manilow tries to pull rank, and a secret service agent informs him he’s been demoted from President Purse to tiny coin purse. They escort to a limo and they drive away to purse prison.
6:47 – Audrey drives up to see Jack, and they kiss. Or Jack is trying to suck the breath out of her. I’m not sure.
6:48 – An agent tells Jack that Kim is on the phone for him. Audrey threatens Jack by telling him that she won’t go anywhere.
6:49 – Jack goes to take the phone call, discovers that no one is on the phone, and three guys jump Jack! They inject him with something! Jack passes out!
Commercial
6:53 – Back at CTU, Haig and Bill talk about Manilow, and they expect he’ll cut a deal and only be demoted to paper bag. Haig tells Bill he’ll probably be back at CTU, and he look crestfallen. Haig tells him that she was condescending and rude when she first came in, and Bill agrees wholeheartedly.
Bill asks her out to breakfast, but she declines, saying she has to get something done. She says “Write a check?” Bill happily agrees, until he realizes she meant that she’d rather have the money for breakfast.
6:55 – Bill pulls out a paper for Chloe, and it’s from Edgar. It’s a picture of them together. Chloe looks pretty sad about this, and inexplicably breaks out into song. She starts singing “Edgar’s Favorite Things” to the tune of “My Favorite Things”, with apologies to …well, everyone. Here’s what she sang:
Bacon wrapped Ho-Hos dipped in French dressing
Beer battered donuts between burgers compressing,
Chocolate lasagna mixed with buffalo wings
Those were a few of his favorite things
Deeply fried salads and ice cream with noodles
Cheese covered cereal in the shape of a poodle
Whipped cream on catfish with onion rings
Those were a few of his favorite things
Chili on French toast with garlic molasses
Sugar tortillas and salsa in glasses
Cheesecake Alfredo with a grilled dumpling,
Those were a few of his favorite things
When Miles starts fights,
When Shari sees things,
When I’m feeling mad,
I just simply remember Edgar’s favorite things
And then I don’t feel so sad
Chloe looks around, hopes no one notices, and goes off with Morris, a bit happier than before.
6:57 – Audrey goes to find Jack, hears the phone that’s off the hook, some ominous music, and realizes that a major plot twist just happened.
6:58 – Jack, REALLY beaten up, was abducted by the Chinese from last season! The Chinese guy tells him they tracked him down from a take out order he did several months ago. Jack asks to make one phone call. They ignore this. Jack asks for them to kill him, and they tell him he’s too valuable! They show they an exterior of a ship bound of Shanghai! Jack’s been Shanghaied!
7:00 – Time’s up!
The carnival of Bauer is up