Season 8 – 24 – 1 pm to 2 pm

Previously on “24”, we learned: If someone comes in to take over a job and has an assistant, they are probably up to no good; Jack really hates department store mannequins; If you’re an ex-president, don’t ask to take credit for something if you’re not 100% sure everything is going to plan; Don’t ever swallow a SIM card if you’re near Jack Bauer; If you call terrorists on the phone and get a call back, you better have your voice mail answering message recorded in a disguised voice, because if it’s Jack Bauer calling you back, you’re going to be in big, big trouble.

The following takes place between 1 pm to 2 pm:

1:00 pm – Ex-President Logan puts on a red polka dot tie, which he still had from the days when he performed as a clown. He watches a fake news conference, which is taking place to let the world know that he’s helping out with the mid-east peace process. An assistant comes in to tell him that his car is in the heliport, which would be great if he drove a flying Jetsons’ car, but he doesn’t. She informs him President Suvrarov is arriving in 20 or 30 minutes, and that if he orders Domino’s right now, she’s pretty sure the pizza will be there before the Russian president. She leaves.

President Logan receives a phone call from Jason. Jason informs Logan that Jack has been playing Operation again and Pavel is dead. Jason also tells him that it’s likely that Jack has given information to the press, so the whole story is going to come out.

President Logan is so deep in denial that he can almost read the hieroglyphics at the bottom. He tells Jason that he might be able to solve this Bauer problem with “management”, which as we all know won’t do anything.

Jason informs Logan that Jack appears to have reverted to his “Lost Boys” days, because from the condition they found Pavel in… well, Jack’s out for blood. And not in a sparkly vampire, or stupid, Sunnydale vampire kinda way… he’s out for revenge for what happened today. Logan tells Jason to find Jack, and to keep him posted. Jason tells him he doesn’t think the US mail system will take a man of his size, but he’d be willing to try after they finish off Jack.

1:04 pm – Jack, Meredith and Jack’s paranoid friend James meet out in the alley, which is standard CTU operating procedure after killing someone. They can’t get a trace on the phone, so James is going to go back to his lab to see if 1) the phone Jack got really is the next version of the iPhone, and 2) whether or not they can run a trace on it. Jack warns them both that taking on the government is one thing, but going up against Apple is COMPLETELY different.

Even after Jack saved her life in the department store, by preventing her from talking to the ladies at the perfume counter and from the Russian bullets, Meredith isn’t convinced that Jack is really on her side. Jack gives her a quick, 20 second recap of the last couple of hours. He looks apologetically at the camera, as if to say that it could have saved all of us a lot of time, if he had been allowed to do that a few hours ago.

Jack tells her that the conspiracy goes all the way through the government, and pretty much the only person that doesn’t know about the Russian involvement is Dahlia. Jack is pretty sure Aston Kutcher isn’t doing an elaborate version of Punk’d, so everyone, including Mrs. President is involved.

Jack tells Meredith that she needs to break the story, just in case he’s killed. He pauses a second and they both laugh because NOBODY kills Jack Bauer. He tells her that she needs to get in contact with someone she trusts to break the story. She tells him that she trusts her editor, since he’s so good at “nouning verbage”. Jack tells her that he’ll get her to the one pay phone that still exists in this country, which also happens to be in New York City, but after that she’s on her own.

1:06 pm – Mrs. President introduces Logan to Dahlia. Dahlia thanks him for helping out today, and Logan tells her that he’s honored to take part in the last, final episodes of “24”. Mrs. President looks completely disgusted that she has to share any of the presidential limelight with Logan. Logan asks to speak with Mrs. President in private.

Dahlia and Jamot get on an elevator, and they’re still suspicious of Logan, which proves they’ve seen previous seasons of “24”.

1:07 pm – Logan informs Mrs. President that things are going exactly according to plan, except for not catching Jack Bauer and the press getting involved. Logan demands that Mrs. President call Meredith’s publisher, deny that she has any knowledge of any story that may or may not be told, and to try and act completely non-suspicious while she does this. Mrs. President reminds Logan of the concept of Freedom of The Press, which not only covers being able to drink during lunch hours, but also prevents the government from trying to stop news stories. Logan thinks that making up a story about how breaking the story will spoil the series finale of LOST might convince the publisher, but Mrs. President isn’t buying it.

Logan points out that she’s much less of a sleazy weasel than he is, so when this hits the press she’ll be in big trouble. He blames all the decisions on Mrs. President, and keeps babbling while she stares off into space.

1:09 pm – Over at CTU, Arlo has dialed up America’s Grossest Home Videos, Starring Pavel the ex-sniper. He tells Chloe it looks like Jack got him to spill his guts. Chloe is convinced that she can help Jack. They discover that James is actually dead, which shows how far people who like Jack will go to help him. They both decide that James isn’t quite dead yet, and that he must have gone for a walk to help Jack out. Chloe thinks that if they can find James, they’ll be able to find Jack.

1:11 pm – Jack gets a phone call while walking down the sidewalk in a large crowd. It’s James. He’s not very happy to have found out that the phone belongs to Logan. He uploads the data to the JackPhone, and says that there is no coming back from the path Jack is on. Jack tells him that he’s not planning on coming back, since it is nearly the end of the series anyway.

Jack sees just the thing he needs… an SUV loaded with the deadliest fruit of them all – bananas. He takes the vehicle and drives off.

Commercial

1:17 pm – Mrs. President takes some medicine and a large dose of vodka from an assistant. Tim enters the room. Mrs. President explains that a reporter is about to do a completely made up story and has no evidence whatsoever to back up any of her alleged claims. Tim tells her that he thought all those New York Times reporters had already been fired. She goes on to explain that he needs to take the FBI, search the newspaper, and take any evidence that Meredith might have, even though the evidence is completely fake. He tells her he doesn’t understand. She explains it again by speaking in Italian, which he does understand. Tim is reluctant to do it, but finally agrees.

1:19 pm – Jack arrives at a new alley, which is completely different than the old alley, despite similar graffiti. He unloads his large duffel bag after deciding that using the bananas might be a little bit too deadly. He enters the building after asking directions. Since it’s New York, no one thinks twice to ask him about the huge duffel bag he’s carrying.

1:20 pm – Meredith calls her editor, Gary, to inform him that she has a video that indicates that the IRK was working with the Russians to kill Hasan. Gary’s confused by this whole “video” thing she’s talking about, but agrees to meet with her at a coffee shop.

1:21 pm – Jack finds a great place to hide while he unloads his duffel bag – behind a chain link fence which he’s sure will prevent anyone from seeing him. One of the things he pulls out of the bag is a black hockey mask that he was planning on using for a Friday the 13th remake.

1:22 pm – Logan is in his limousine on the phone with Novakovich, who is a bit upset about what happened to Pavel. Logan tells him not to worry because that Jack can’t stay under the radar forever. Novakovich points out that if they’re trying to use radar to find Jack, they’re ALL in trouble.

Logan hangs up as they’re going through a tunnel. Jack, who was hiding hear the tunnel, is now dressed from head to toe in body armor, and he starts shooting. He starts with some taxis, which draws cheers from everyone around that ever had problems hailing a cab. It doesn’t take long for Logan to realize that the crazy guy with the machine gun isn’t your run of the mill New Yorker – It’s really Jack. Logan is completely freaked out about this.

The agents in the car tell Logan that they’ll all be perfectly safe if they just stay in the car. So, logically, one of them gets out of the car to try and shoot Jack. Fool. Jack shoots him in the thigh. The other agent also gets out of the car, since it worked out so well for his partner. Jack shoots him too.

After looking into the window to make sure he is at the correct limo, Jack jumps on the hood, shoots the bullet proof windshield just enough to poke a small hole into it. Jack pulls out a vial of Hello Kitty perfume, and drops it into the vehicle. The last agent and Logan start choking and gagging from the smell. Logan finally gets out of the vehicle and Jack takes him hostage.

Commercial

1:29 pm – At CTU, Arlo tells Chloe that they’ve found James through the DMV database. Someone passing by tells them both that Jack has kidnapped ex-President Logan and they’re all headed to the break room to toast this event with champagne. Chloe decides she and Arlo need to hear what’s happening in the room Eden frosted over last hour.

Eden is on the phone with Jason, who thinks that yelling “How the hell did Secret Service let this happen”, will make the answers come more quickly. He and the rest of the agents with him run down the tunnel with their guns drawn, to make sure they look really heroic with Jack not around. No one can tell them were Jack and Logan went.

Jason looks all over, including straight up, just in case the rumors that Jack Bauer can fly are really true. He finds an underground service tunnel, and he and a few agents go inside. All the agents seem to be a lot smarter than Jason, because they’re all wearing SWAT gear; Jason is wearing a suit and hopes the power of “management” will save him from any Jack Bullets.

Chloe and Arlo listen while this is happening, secretly taping it because it’s going to make a great story at the next CTU office party.

Jack finally stops with Logan and tells him he knows all about what’s going on with the Russians and that Logan has to tell him every answer to every question Jack has. Logan is so freaked out, he recites every single entry in Wikipedia to Jack. Logan swears that he has nothing to do with Renee’s death, and finally tells Jack that Novakovich is behind the whole thing.

Jason and the Agents (which would be a good name for a rock band) close in on Jack and Logan. Jack gives Logan a big old bear hug to knock him unconscious, something I think Jack has waited a long time to do. Jack gets away just before Jason shows up.

Arlo asks Chloe what she’s going to do now, since they have no one to go pick up James at the address they found. Chloe tells him that she knows of an agent that can get James. My guess is that it’ll either be Gadget or Smart.

Commercial

1:40 pm – Eden tries to stop Chloe from going to get the agent she’s thinking of – Cole. Through a mixture of sarcasm and dirty looks, she defends her actions, and tells Eden Cole is needed for a UN security detail.

1:41 pm – At the coffee shop, Meredith is a little jittery, since she’s just had her 37th cup of coffee. She gets a phone call, it’s from Gary. He can’t leave the office, because the FBI is there, looking for any unpublished Calvin and Hobbes cartoons. They’re also looking for her. Gary tells her she needs to find some place to hide, because they’re going to be looking for her.

1:42 pm – Chloe hands a guard a “Get Out of Detention Free” paper, and gets Cole out of detention. Chloe tells Cole that he needs to find James to see if he can help find Jack.

1:43 pm – Novakovich is informed by an assistant that the Russian President is going to landing soon, just as soon as they can find someone to land the plane.

1:44 pm – A Russian agent takes a phone call, and tells the person on the phone that he’ll be out in a few minutes. Jack has other plans and puts a few marks on the guys face with the butt of his gun. Jack wants to know how to get to Novakovich. The Russian tells him that he has to practice, practice, practice. Jack says, “I said Novakovich, not Carnegie Hall!” The Russian is surprised that Jack is so intent on getting his info and so tells Jack that Novakovich is on the eleventh floor, there are three guards upstairs, there are two pop machines down the hall, and gives him a complete breakdown of all the different types of furniture that are in the room where Novakovich is staying. Jack thanks him by knocking him unconscious, which is turning out to be quite a nice little hobby of his.

Jack walks straight to the elevator and shoots both guards there. A guard stabs Jack once, which is a big mistake on his part. Jack turns the guy’s knife around and Pavel’s him, just in case this guy swallowed a SIM card too. He didn’t.

Jack gets into the elevator. He realizes he’s been stabbed. He checks, and he hasn’t swallowed a SIM card either.

COMMERCIAL

1:50 pm – Chloe questions the arsenal that Cole is taking with him in the car she’s arranged, since it’s not likely to help anyway. Cole tells her that if Jack really has gone rogue, he might have to try and kill him. They both laugh, realizing how stupid that must have sounded. Cole drives off.

1:51 pm – At the UN, a woman explains to Khalia where she’ll be sitting during the signing ceremony by pointing to a small map. Khalia tells her that she’s pretty sure that everyone at the signing ceremony won’t all be able to fit on to that little piece of paper. The woman explains they’ll be in a much larger room.

A woman enters the room, and tells Khalia that she has a phone call. It’s Meredith. At first Khalia just wants to hang up, but Meredith keeps her on the phone by promising she might have a shot at being the next Miss America. Meredith goes on to explain that the Russians are behind Hasan’s death, and that she really needs to talk to her mother. Meredith gives Khalia the number of the pay phone she is at (which makes TWO pay phones she’s found in the last hour), and hangs up.

Almost immediately, the FBI arrest Meredith on suspicion of attempting to act dramatically in a very silly television show. They take her away.

1:54 pm – Tim meets with Mrs. President to tell her that they have Meredith, and she seems to be in possession of a Nintendo DS cartridge with a weird game on it. Mrs. President tells Tim that no one gets to play that saved level except her.

1:55 pm – President Logan is being loaded onto an ambulance when Jason arrives. Logan insists on talking to Jason and tells him that Novakovich is in trouble. Jason calls Novakovich’s phone.

At Novakovich’s suite, we see evidence of Jack’s handiwork: a body here, a body there, a Novakovich-kabob, and one Russian agent who has been shot in the thigh but left alive to serve as a warning to the others. The agent slides over to the Novakovich-kabob and answers the phone. He tells Jason that Novakovich is dead. Logan is clearly upset, and makes a phone call.. to President Sukarov. It turns out that Novakovich is operating under Sukarov’s orders! Logan points out that if Sukarov hadn’t order the hit on Renee, there would be a lot less bleeding going on all over. Logan is positive that Jack doesn’t know a thing about Sukarov’s involvement.

He would be a lot less positive if he realized that Jack put a bug (the electronic kind, not the “ooo! ooo! Get it off!” kind), on Logan’s collar and has heard the whole thing!

TIME’S UP!

NEXT TIME ON “24” – DALIA FINDS OUT! CHLOE WITH A GUN! SHOOTING! GUNS! A SURPRISE ENDING! MAYBE IT’LL BE EXCITING!

IT’S THE SERIES FINALE! IT’S THE LAST TIME WE HANG OUT WITH JACK! BE HERE NEXT WEEK!