Tag: 24 parody

NOTE: Some of you may have noticed that while the episode said it took place between “12 midnight and 1 am”, the actual times were listed in the episode as running from 1 am to 2 am. This was completely due to the fact that the number twelve key on my keyboard was broken last week. Rest assured that the keyboard in question has been severely reprimanded, and there’s a 50-50 chance this won’t happen again.

24 – Two Days Later – Hour 7

The following takes place between 1 am and 2 am (really, I mean in this time)

1:00 am – Chloe, Morris, Bill and Jack stand in front of the door for a moment, when Morris starts to reach for the doorbell. Actually, it’s not so much a doorbell as it is some kind of old-fashioned door knob. Chloe stops him by yelling, “Will you just wait a minute? I’m sick and tired of what’s happening around here! One minute we’re back home, the next minute we’re in someone’s house. Then we’re in outer space! THEN Jack nearly gets killed by a giant robotic squirrel! And all this time, we’re chasing around Cheng, and God knows how many ninjas, or terrorists, or whatever they are! And your very next reaction is to just go along with things, and try and see who’s behind that door? I want to know what’s going on around here, and I want to know RIGHT NOW!”

1:02 am – Everyone is a bit taken aback by Chloe’s outburst and stands silently for a minute. Jack finally says, “Look Chloe, we’re doing the best we can. We can’t panic. We’re all trying to figure this out. Before we do anything else, we need to get in touch with CTU. The best thing we can do is try to find a federal courthouse or a police precinct.”

Bill and Morris agree, and Chloe seems satisfied. Bill says, “Let’s get out of here. This abandoned house is creepy.”

1:04 am – They start to walk towards the front wrought-iron gate of the house, which is unlocked and swinging in the wind. The cement walkway is lined on either side with dead flowers, and what little grass there is in the lawn is dead. The address on the gate is “0001 Cemetery Ridge”. As they walk onto the sidewalk next to the street, the gate slams closed and bolts itself shut behind them.

1:06 am – They start heading towards what appears to be the main part of town. As they walk Morris says, “Well, let’s go through what we know. When we were in the warehouse, there was a computer wired up to that arch. After we went through, it was like a one way trip: We couldn’t go back because the arch had turned into a solid wall!”

Bill says, “And the thing I don’t understand is how we could be flipping around between all these places, but at the same time we keep finding the terrorists we’ve been chasing after.”
Chloe says, “Whatever has been making us move between these places must be doing the same thing to them. If I could only get my hands on that computer…”

1:07 am – They walk past some storefronts before reaching a police station. They walk up the steps and go in. At the main desk, a police officer argues with someone on the phone, “I’m not going to argue with you any more. I’m not going out there no matter what kind of howling or explosions you hear. …. Yeah, Yeah… I love you too, Mom.” He hangs up the phone, and asks Jack, “What can I do for you?”

1:08 am – Jack holds up his badge and says, “My name is Jack Bauer. We’re all with the Counter Terrorism Unit in Los Angeles. Our phones don’t work, and we need to reach someone there to help us. Can I use your phone?”

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Counter Terrorism Unit? Like soda fountain counters? What kind of place is that?”

Jack says, “Look, all I want is to be able to talk to my superiors, I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a phone.”

The officer shrugs and hands Jack the phone. Chloe says, “Jack, wait. We’ve been through this before. We can’t get CTU on the phone. We’re going to need some help from the people here.” Jack dials anyway, and gets a recording saying that the number he dialed isn’t in service. Chloe smirks.

1:10 am – Morris says, “We have to think about this. Every place we’ve gone, we’ve seen the terrorists nearby. We haven’t had to go far, and sometimes we’re nearly on top of them when we arrive. Shouldn’t we go back to that old mansion on Cemetery Ridge?”

The officer at the desk interrupts Morris, “Cemetery Ridge? You mean the Addams house?”

Bill says, “I don’t know if it’s the Addams house, but the address is 0001 Cemetery Ridge.”

The officer says, “Well, you’re on your own then. None of my guys are going there with you.”

Another officer standing nearby says, “Yeah, they’re creepy and they’re kooky!”

A third officer agrees, “They’re altogether ookie!”

Morris says, “What’s ‘ookie’?”

The officer says, “I’m not sure. It just sounded like the thing to say.”

Commercial

1:16 am – Jack, Chloe, Morris and Bill are back on the street headed back towards to the mansion where they first arrived. Morris says, “I can’t believe the police won’t go to this place. Do they think it’s haunted or something?”

Jack says, “Never mind that. I’ve been thinking. That knife that I had from that space ship… Doesn’t it seem a little weird to you that I still had it? Everything else around us changes radically, but I was able to bring that with me?”

Chloe says, “Not necessarily.” She pats her purse. “We still have everything we’ve been carrying around since this whole thing started. Whenever we switch to a new place, the only things that have come through have been us and whatever we’re carrying. You probably brought that knife and that ray gun with you, just by having them with you when we switched to wherever this is.”

1:18 am – They arrive at 0001 Cemetery Ridge. Jack says, “We’ll go in through the front door. We arrived at that door together when we first got here, so that’s the best bet.”

Bill says, “Won’t that be dangerous?”

Jack replies, “Well look at it this way. Every time we go in the back way, someone shoots at us. This way they’ll be taken completely by surprise.

Morris reaches for the handle on the gate, and the gate opens by itself! Bill seems startled by this, but Morris isn’t as impressed. “I’m sure this is some sort of ‘home automation’ device. It’s rigged to open whenever someone gets near it.” They walk the pathway up to the house.

Bill reaches the door first, and opens the door. The door opens slightly and then slams shut. Bill opens the door again, and this time holds the door handle to keep it open. A hand appears from around the door and slaps Bill’s hand. Bill is so startled that he lets go and the door slams shut again.

1:20 am – They all look at each other. Jack steps forward and just as he reaches for the door handle, the door opens. Inside the door is the largest man any of them have ever seen. He looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep in a very long time. His face is pale, and there are rings under his eyes. He’s dressed as a butler. The man stares at them, but doesn’t say anything. Jack finally speaks up, “Ah, hello. My name is Jack Bauer. We’re here to see the person that’s in charge.”
The man says, “Follow me.”

1:22 am – They follow the man into the house down a small hallway. The inside of the house is elaborately decorated with hunting trophies, strange looking furniture, and wild looking portraits. The man reaches some steps at the end of the hallway. He says, “Jack Bauer.”

They all step up to the edge of the steps and a croquette ball hits Morris in the middle of the forehead and knocks him out.

Commercial

1:27 am – Morris starts to wake up, but he seems out of it. Morris blinks a couple of times at the woman kneeling next to him. She has long black hair and is wearing a long black dress. She holds up three fingers and says, “What color is this?” Morris says, “Uh… Hamburger?” She turns to someone behind them, “Gomez, he’s fine. Nothing that a little hemlock won’t cure.” Chloe, Bill and Jack give each other looks as though they were trying to figure out if they heard what they just thought they heard. The woman gets up and shuffles down the stairs and into the living room. Chloe turns to Morris and says, “Morris, are you O.K.?”

1:29 am – “Morticia helps me every time that happens! A little glue and that croquette ball will be in shape in no time!” says Gomez. Gomez has black hair and a thin black moustache.

Jack stands up with some help from Bill. Jack says, “We’re looking for the person in charge. Are you in charge here?”
Gomez says, “Oh! You’ll want Fester!” He steps over to a hangman’s noose that’s hanging from the ceiling and pulls on it. A very loud gong sounds. Morris falls over again. Jack, Chloe and Bill barely keep their balance. Morticia and Gomez aren’t affected by the noise.

The tall man from before walks out from a room behind Gomez and says, “You rang?”

1:33 am – Gomez replies, “Lurch! Get Fester, would you?” He then turns to Jack, and says, “Fester will be here in a moment.” Gomez asks Morticia, “Now where were we? Can I have a ruling on that last shot? It was about to go through those wickets before it….. Fester!” Gomez turns to a man on the stairs.

1:34 am – Everyone turns and sees a man dressed in a black robe with a fur collar. He has a light bulb in his mouth, and it’s lit! Fester says, “Hiya!”

Gomez tells Jack, “Fester is more ‘in charge’ than anyone else I know!”

Jack says, “That’s not what I meant! I meant, ‘Who’s the head of the household?’”

Gomez says, “Well, why didn’t you say so? That would be Great Uncle Snerk, wouldn’t it, Tish?”

“Oh, yes. He’s had his head in that jar for years now. Loves it in there. The only time I’ve ever heard him complain about it is when Cousin Phlegm poured champagne into his tank. He said it made his nose all bubbly!”

Morticia says, “Why don’t you all get a bit more comfortable.” Fester pulls up a chair for Chloe.

Jack feels something at his side. He looks down and sees that a hand reaching out from a box has grabbed the phaser in his pocket, and it pulling it back into the box! Jack grabs the phaser. Jack arms are pulled down into the box all the way up to his armpits!

Fester says, “Oh, that’s just Thing. He’s just helping you put things away!”

Jack yells, “It’s doing something to my hands!”

Fester says, “I told you before, that’s THING. Cousin Itt is over there!” A short creature covered with hair shambles into the room, and says something unintelligible.

Jack finally pulls his hands free, and he looks at his hands to make sure they’re O.K. He does a double take and says, “Hey! My hands are manicured!”

Commercial

1:39 am – Lurch appears from another room and announces “Lunch!”

Morticia shuffles over to Chloe, “Oh, you pure dear! You look absolutely famished! You really must stay for lunch.”

Chloe welcomes this hospitality, and says, “Thanks, I’m not feeling very well. I’m pregnant, and I think we all are a bit hungry.”

Morticia says, “You’re going to have a baby? How exciting? Do you know what it’s going to be?”
Chloe says that she hopes it’s a boy, Morris is hoping for a girl. Morticia says, “Boy? Girl? Young people have no imagination these days. How disappointing.” She turns to ask Lurch, “Lurch, be a dear, and pop a few more wombats into the oven, s’il vous plait?”

Gomez says, “TISH! That’s French!” He starts kissing Morticia on the arm.

Morticia reminds him, “Company, darling! Company!”

Gomez says, “Oh, of course… Where are my manners? Off to lunch!”

Chloe leans over to Jack, “Wombats? I’m not eating wombats! This place gives me the creeps!”

Morticia seems a little surprised, “No, dear, I’m sorry. We just had the last of the creeps for breakfast this morning. We’re having a bit of a treat tonight, since wombat is one of Uncle Fester’s favorites.”

1:43 am – There’s a loud explosion from somewhere outside. Jack yells, “WHAT WAS THAT?”

Gomez seems surprised that Jack is so alarmed. “Why, I think that’s just Pugsley out playing in the backyard.”
Fester says, “Gomez, isn’t Pugsley still at Camp Crystal Lake?”

Gomez thinks about that a second, and says, “By Jove, you’re right!”

Morticia says, “Then it must be those nice Chinese Building Inspectors.”

Bill, Chloe, Morris and Jack, say, “Chinese Building Inspectors? What Chinese Building Inspectors?” all at the same time.

They all look at each other, and Bill says, “O.K…. That was weird.”

1:45 am – Morticia asks Gomez, “When we sent them out back, do you think we should have mentioned the children’s mine field?”
Jack yells, “Those men are wanted terrorists! How do we get out there?” Fester volunteers to take them to the backyard.

Commercial

1:51 am – Jack, Bill, Chloe and Morris emerge from the back of the mansion, “How big is this place? It took a long time to get out here in the back yard.” Fester confesses that he gave the scenic route, since they don’t have guests that stay very long. Gomez opens a door the leads from the house to the backyard, and says, “If you didn’t want the scenic route, you could have just taken this to the backyard.”

1:53 am – Jack says, “We’re wasting time! Where are they?”

Gomez says, “Well, the last time someone did something like this, we found them down by the swamp. And in that tree. And in that tree over there….”

Lurch points to the mansion roof, and says, “Mr. Addams….”

Everyone looks up, and we can see several of the terrorists climbing up the outside of the Addams mansion.

1:55 am – Jack says, “What’s the best way to get up there?”

Fester says, “I sleep up in that belfry! I’ll show you the way!” He starts to go back inside the house.

Jack hesitates and says, “We don’t have enough time. I have to get up there, NOW!” He looks around, and realizes the answer is standing there right in front of him. Jack says, “Lurch! You have to give me a boost to the roof so I can climb up!”
Lurch shakes his head and grunts, “Uhhhhhhhhh…..”

Gomez says, “Come on, old man!”

This small amount of urging convinces Lurch, and he cups his hands for Jack to step into.

Gomez continues, “It’s just like when we play Heads and Tails!”

Jack hears this and says, “Wait a minute…What did …. AHHHHH!” Lurch stands up quickly and lifts with all his might, sending Jack flying through the air. He goes past the edge of the roof that he hoped to climb to, past the terrorists climbing up the building, and past the very top of the roof. He hangs in mid-air for a split second, and starts coming down again.

1:57 am – A large net comes out of the belfry, and catches Jack. He’s dazed, and sees that Thing is there with Cousin Itt. Jack starts to say something, and Cousin Itt starts jabbering away in some unintelligible language. They pull Jack over to the edge of the belfry and Jack asks Thing for his phaser. Thing disappears into the floor boards.

1:58 am – Jack sees the terrorists converging on a gargoyle attached to the building. They’re trying to pry it off its perch. Jack hears a scream from the ground, and looks down to see Chloe, Morris and Bill surrounded by the terrorists. Jack leans out from where he’s standing in the belfry and yells, “Leave them alone! I’m coming to help you!”

1:59 am – A metallic voice behind Jack says, “But who will help you, Jack?” Jack turns around. There’s a man dressed completely in black on the landing next to where Jack is standing. The hairy creature tries to kick the man in the shin, but it doesn’t have any effect. He’s wearing a black hood with a metal screen over the area where his mouth is. Jack tries to kick the man in the face, but the man is too quick! He grabs Jack’s foot by the heel, and pushes with all his might! Jack goes tumbling backwards off the building headed to the ground below.

There’s a bright flash.

Jack materializes in mid-air and falls into a swimming pool

2:00 am – Time’s up!

This SPECIAL EDITION of “24 – Two Days Later” has additional contributors. I’d like to thank Annie Where-but-here for the majority of commercials, Mike Weasel, and Mad Scientist Weasel for creating most of the pictures used for the web links in the story. I would also like to thank TropicHunt.com Guy for providing a pointer to one photo in particular from the massive TropicHunt.com archives.

So, why the special contributions for commercials and pictures for this edition? Read on and find out!

24 – Two Days Later – Hour 6

The following takes place between 12 midnight and 1 am

12:00 am – The man in the Ferrari looks very impatient. He keeps looking around, as if he expects someone to see them. Jack stands up, and walks to the Ferrari. He asks, “Who are you, and why should I get in this car?” The man says, “Didn’t they tell you anything? The name’s Sonny Crockett, I’m with Miami Vice. Now GET IN BEFORE SOMEONE STARTS SHOOTING!” Jack jumps into the car without opening the door first. They speed off.

As they speed off, loud music starts playing. Jack looks around and realize that the car itself is playing music as they drive.

Crockett continues, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you been briefed? Lt. Castillo must be losing his touch.”

Jack says, “Look, I’ve had a hard day, and I need to find my friends. We got separated.” Jack looks down at the Klingon knife he’s holding. “It’s been a weird day.” Jack looks up, and the sun is high in the sky. Jack looks at his watch, and according to it, it’s “12:00 am”. He says, “I don’t even know what the time really is.” Jack holds the knife up to examine the handle.

Crockett says, “Put that away.” He looks at his watch. “It’s 7:00pm. My regular partner is on vacation, and I’m supposed to be too. We’re running low on man power, and they asked me to fill in. We just have just make a routine stop. You’re just there to back me up in case something goes wrong.” They continue to drive. He tells Jack, “You sure dress funny. How long have you lived in South Florida? Don’t you know we have a dress code here?”

12:02 am – In a neighborhood somewhere in Miami, there’s a party going on in the back of someone’s home. Everyone is dressed in Miami style clothing, so there’s more than enough pink and turquoise to go around.

(Yes, that does describe nearly ALL of Miami, but in this particular case many famous authors are there. How famous? REALLY famous. So famous you wouldn’t believe it. Let’s put in this way: Shakespeare would be right at home… if he dressed in a white suit and pink shirt. You get the idea).

Some people dressed in black make their way along the side of the house, out of view of the people in the backyard. They come across an open window, and climb inside of the house.
Continue reading “24 – Two Days Later – 12 midnight to 1 am”

24 – Two Days Later – Hour 5

The following takes place between 11 pm and 12 midnight

11:00 pm – Jack and Bill are completely disoriented. The side of Jack’s face is bleeding. Some men wearing red shirts run towards Jack and Bill, but none of them seems to want to be the person in the lead. It looks like they’re all afraid to be first. Jack thinks he and Bill are in danger and tries to shoot his gun, but it won’t fire! He tries a couple more times, but it just clicks. Finally, in frustration, Jack throws his gun at the men. The gun hits some kind of invisible barrier and bounces to the floor. Bill starts to run away from the men, takes about two steps, and hits another invisible barrier and falls to the ground.

The men on the other side of the barrier see the gun bounce to the ground and start laughing nervously as Bill gets up. One of them says, “Wow! That’s the first time we’ve ever been in a fight and one of us DIDN’T die. No one is going to believe us!”

11:02 pm – “I’ll believe you, Mister,” says a man in a yellow shirt as he arrives to the scene. He’s followed by a tall man with black hair, and strange ears. Bill leans over to Jack and says, “That guy looks like he had his head caught in a mechanical rice-picker!”

The man in yellow continues, “Your weapons were disabled as soon as you came aboard, thanks to Mr. Spock here. Now, do you mind telling me what you’re doing on my ship?”

Jack and Bill look at each other. Jack realizes he doesn’t have much to bargain with, so he decides to tell the truth, “My name is Jack Bauer. I work for CTU Los Angeles. This is Bill Buchanan We have been chasing after some terrorists for the last few hours. Every hour…. come to think of it, nearly EXACTLY every hour, we get thrown some new place.”
Bill says, “We’ve been in a house with a family, to an island, in a bar, and now we’re at sea aboard whatever kind of ship this is you have here.”

Spock says, “Fascinating! Captain, I believe these men are telling the truth. From their appearance, I would say they were from the late twentieth or early twenty-first century. How they got here, I’m not certain.”

Bill says, “Wait, wait, wait….what did you just say….?”

The Captain says to Bill, “What makes you think you’re at sea?”

Bill says, “Well, you did say you were on a ship. Where else would it be?”

11:04 pm – The man in yellow looks at Spock and says, “I believe you’re right.” He addresses Jack and Bill, “Gentleman, you’re aboard the U.S.S Enterprise. You’re not at sea, you’re aboard a starship! I’m Captain James T. Kirk.”

Jack asks, “What century is this?”

Spock raises an eye brow, “In human terms, you’re in the twenty-third century.”

Bill throws up his hands in frustration, “Well that’s just great!” Bill starts pacing around.

Spock says, “We’re docked at Starbase Alpha-Centi-Muldooni-Solati-Gelato 12, orbiting Beta-Mega-Ultra-Vita-Meta-Vegamin….”

Kirk says to Spock, “Wait, I thought we were at Starbase Beta-Mega-Ultra-Vita-Meta-Vegamin orbiting, Alpha-Centi-Muldooni-Solati-Gelato 12… ?”

Spock says, “A common mistake, the people of…”

11:05 pm – Jack interrupts, “Look we’re missing two of our people. We have to find them.”

Kirk doesn’t seem all that concerned, “We’ll do a scan for them on the ship and ask the starbase to do the same. In the mean time, you should go down to sick bay and have that looked at.”

11:07 pm – Morris and Chloe are in a bar, somewhere on the star base. The other people in the bar are completely oblivious to them. Chloe is having an argument with the computer they’re using to order drinks. She says, “All I want is a Seven-up!”

The computer replies, “That is an ancient beverage. Please request something more modern… and while you’re at it, pick something better to wear, dear.” Morris tells her to quiet down and to stop drawing attention to herself. Chloe ignores this and threatens to dismantle the computer.

Meanwhile, one of the Chinese terrorists is sitting at the far end of the bar watching Chloe and Morris.

Commercial

11:12 pm – Jack and Bill are in sick bay. Jack is sitting on a table jutting out from the wall. He’s being looked after by someone who’s introduced himself as Dr. McCoy. A nurse stands nearby, holding a clipboard. Jack says, “What can you tell us about what’s going on here? What’s happened since the twenty-first century?”

Dr. McCoy yells, “I’m a doctor, not a historian! Now, sit still!” He pulls out a little cylinder and holds it over Jack. The top of it starts to flash and make a weird noise.

Jack asks, “What is that?”
Dr. McCoy stops and looks at the cylinder. “I use it to calm people down. This really doesn’t do anything.” He throws the cylinder over his shoulder. Dr. McCoy says, “Now hold still.”

11:13 pm – Somewhere on the ship, there’s a loud explosion. Both the nurse and Dr. McCoy stumble over to the left side of the room, pause for a minute, and then stumble over the right side of the room. Jack and Bill don’t move at all.

Bill asks, “Why are you doing that?”

McCoy looks at him and says, “You know, I’m not sure. Back at the academy, they told us whenever we heard an explosion we had to stumble to our left and then to our right. Sometimes we stumble to our right and then back over to the left. If it’s really bad, sometimes we do it a couple of times.”

Jack asks, “Does that help?”

McCoy shrugs, “Not really.”

11:14 pm – A speaker near Jack’s bed plays a whistling noise, and a woman’s voice says, “Dr. McCoy, Captain Kirk has requested that you beam down to the planet immediately. Someone has taken a shuttle craft from the starbase to the planet, and he wants to investigate.”

McCoy tells Jack, “You go get yourself down to the bar on the starbase. Nurse Chapel will take you there. Don’t worry. We’ll find your friends for you.”

Before Jack can say anything, McCoy leaves.

11:15 pm – The nurse escorts Bill and Jack through the ship and onto the starbase. Bill and Jack discuss what to do next. They take a few turns and enter a bar. Chloe and Morris see Jack and Bill immediately, and run up to them. The nurse says, “I guess you found your friends!”

Chloe looks at the nurse and says, “Your voice is that same as the one the computer uses.”

The nurse says, “Uh… That’s a complete coincidence!”, and runs out of the bar.

11:16 pm – Chloe gives Jack a hug, and while she’s doing so, she sees the Chinese terrorist that is sitting across the room. Chloe whispers, “Jack, behind you!” Jack quickly turns around. The terrorist jumps up, points his gun at Jack and tries to shoot. Nothing happens.

Jack runs towards the man, first stepping onto a chair, then onto a table, and yells as he leaps from table to tackle the terrorist. They struggle, until Jack gets them better of him. Jack yells, “What have you been doing! Why has this been happening? Why are you here?”

The terrorist starts to laugh, but stops when Jack tightens his grip. Jack reaches for a bar glass, smashes it and shoves the jagged-edge glass right into the guy’s leg. The man screams. Jack yells, “WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

The terrorist yells, “Gathering Trilithium….gathering trilithium! Please stop!” Red-shirted security guards surround Jack.

11:18 pm – Another man in a red shirt, someone who looks a bit older than the others, comes into the bar and sees Jack. He says, “What are you doing, lad? Don’t you know you can’t just go doing that around here?”

Jack apologizes, “I’m sorry, that man attacked me, and I have to know what they’re doing so I can put a stop to it.”

The man shakes his head, “No, no… I’m talking about the whiskey glass you just smashed! What an awful shame! Who’s that?”

Jack explains that this is one of the men that he’s been looking for, and asks to see Captain Kirk. The man tells everyone his name is Mr. Scott, chief engineer. Mr. Scott tells them he’ll take them to see Captain Kirk personally. “He asked me to keep an eye on you”, says Mr. Scott. Mr. Scott orders, “Take this man to the brig, and have Nurse Chapel go there to treat him.”

11:19 pm – Everyone follows Mr. Scott into a room. In the room, a man is standing by a control panel in front of a platform. The man tells everyone to get up onto platform, and stand on one of the pads. Morris starts singing, “STOP! In the Name of Love!” complete with hand gestures, but when no one else joins his impromptu singing, he stops.

Mr. Scott tells a man that there are five to “beam down” to Captain Kirk’s location, and joins everyone on the platform.

11:20 pm – A second later, they’re all standing with Captain Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. There are bushes and trees all around them. They can see towers rising above a town in the distance. Bill asks, “What the heck just happened?”

Spock replies, “Your molecular structure was broken down, transmitted to the surface of this planet, and then reassembled.” Bill gives him a blank stare.

McCoy leans over and tells Bill, “He means they scrambled you up there, and sent you down here. How many fingers am I holding up?” He holds up three fingers.

Bill says, “Three… ?”

McCoy says, “Good! You’re fine. Sometimes if that thing isn’t calibrated right…. Well, let’s just say the last person I asked how many figures I was holding up answered ‘Tibet’”.

11:21 pm – Kirk says, “Ah, now I have all my senior officers here. Good! Now let’s get going!”
Jack looks at him and says, “Uh… I have a question: If you’ve got all your senior officers down here…. What’s going on back at your ship?”

[The scene briefly shifts to show a wild party happening aboard the Enterprise].

Mr. Scott says, “Never mind that! The lad here found one of the people he’s after!”

11:22 pm – Jack explains what happened at the bar on the starbase while they’re walking along the path to town. Mr. Scott yells, “Everyone take cover!” They dive for the bushes, and several men walk past. They’re dressed in some kind of military outfits, and they have green faces.”

Mr. Scott whispers, “Klingons!”

Commercial

11:25 pm – Morris asks, “What the heck are cling ons?”
Kirk explains, “Klingons! Klingons! They’re a savage race of alien warriors who value combat and honor above all else. They will stop at nothing to gain control of the galaxy!” Bill whispers to Jack, “Sounds like Microsoft”.

Morris says, “Aliens? They look human! Well… humans with green skin and prosthetic foreheads… but still! They look pretty human to me.”

McCoy says, “What? You don’t see how different they look than us? What’s wrong with you?” He pulls out something that looks like a cassette recorder and starts waving it around Morris.

11:26 pm – Kirk tells Jack, “Things have just gotten more dangerous. You’re going to need one of these.” Kirk hands Jack something that looks like a toy ray gun.

Jack says, “What’s this supposed to…..” He accidentally pulls the trigger and vaporizes a bird. Jack is impressed, “I could get used to this!”

11:27 pm – Kirk tells Jack, “Be careful with that thing! You had it on the strongest setting and could have killed any one of us!”

Jack asks what other settings there are, and Spock explains, “The standard issue phaser has nine settings: Nudge, Bother, Tickle, Astonish, Stun, Baffle, Clench, Fry and Kill.”

They all head towards the city.

Commercial

11:33 pm – Spock says, “I have to warn you, this planet is rich with Dihydrogen Monoxide, a substance known to case burns in gaseous form and it can kill if inhaled.”
Bill looks very alarmed until Chloe says, “Dihydrogen Monoxide is WATER!” She turns to Spock and says, “What’s wrong with you?”

McCoy tells her, “Don’t worry about him. He tells that joke to everyone. Some kind of Vulcan humor.”

Morris says, “So, he’s an alien too? I should have guessed from the prosthetic ears…”

11:35 pm – McCoy says, “This doesn’t make any sense. What would the Klingons be trying to accomplish by coming to a planet near a Star Fleet starbase, when they know the dangers involved?”

Mr. Scott tells everyone, “I did some research while I was waiting onboard the Enterprise. The main city on this planet is Bloop. They’re going to start powering it by using trilithium crystals. Not suitable for use on starships, the way dilithium is. Much too hazardous. Very powerful though. One crystal can power the entire city. That must be why the Klingons want it.”

Jack says, “Trilithium? The guy we caught in the bar said something about that! They’re gathering Trilithium.”

Spock says, “That would explain it. Even a small quantity of the substance would be highly valuable to them.”

11:37 pm – While the rest of them discuss this, Kirk corners Chloe. He says, “So, are you an alien?”

Chloe says, “No, I’m human.”

Kirk seems disappointed, “O.K., never mind then. When we beam down to a planet, I usually find an alien to fall in love with before the mission is over.”

11:38 pm – In the center of Bloop, a group of Klingons are making announcements. One of them says, “I am Moog, commander of the Bird of Prey, Bok! Cooperate with us, and you will not be harmed!” They crowd seems to think this is pretty fair, so they go along with the Klingons right away. Moog is a bit taken aback by having such an easy time taking over. He regains his composure and tells the crowd to take him to their trilithium storage facility.

11:40 pm – The Chinese terrorists are already at the trilithium storage facility. While the rest of the terrorists stands guard, one of them holds a small briefcase, and another puts the trilithium crystal into it. One of the guards warns the group that someone is coming to the facility. They all run around the back of the facility and off into the woods towards the south as the Klingons and the people from Bloop arrive at the building from the north.

11:42 pm – Moog is enraged when he finds out the trilithium is gone. He calls to his ship, and is told the trilithium sensors indicate it is moving south and away from the building. Moog orders his men out of the back of the building.

11:43 pm – As Kirk, Jack and the rest of the group arrive on the outskirts of the town, they are surprised to see the Chinese terrorists run right past them! Jack regains his composure, takes aim, and hits the last of the terrorists in the leg. He vaporized his whole thigh, which is NOT something Jack was expecting. He’s so surprised he doesn’t think to run after the rest of the terrorists.

Jack snaps out of it and runs to the man he shot. He’s dead. The rest of the group catches up with Jack. McCoy says, “Damn it, I’m a doctor, not a doctor! …. Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense.” Mr. Scott says, “I didn’t even know a shot like that was possible!” McCoy says, “Neither did I. It did cauterize the wound though…”

Just as McCoy says this, a Star Fleet shuttle craft zooms over their heads. Chloe says, “I thought we got most of the terrorists already. There must have been five more than the last time we saw them! How are they doing that?”

The Klingons run out of the back of the building and turn to watch the shuttle craft that just zoomed over their heads. Jack sees that one of the Klingons is holding another terrorist. The Klingons are so preoccupied with the shuttlecraft they don’t notice the people from the Enterprise. One of the Klingons pulls out a device and says something into it. They start to dematerialize, and as they do, Jack runs for them. He grabs one of the Klingons, and a moment later he’s gone!

11:46 pm – Kirk says, “We have to go after them!” He opens his communicator, “Kirk to Enterprise! Beam me aboard!”

A 2 by 4 materializes at Kirk’s feet. Kirk says, “That gets less funny every time they do that.”

Commercial

11:51 pm – On board the Klingon ship, Moog sits at a table facing Jack, who is standing in front of him, a guard on either side. Moog looks at a big knife in his hand and says, “Give me a reason not to kill you where you stand.”

Jack says, “You were in a pretty big hurry, running after the same people I’ve been chasing. My guess is that they’ve got the trilithium you’re after.” The Klingons look at each other, surprised that Jack knows about the trilithium. Jack continues, “I’ll get you a sample of that trilithium!”

Moog laughs, “Why would we need the help of a human?”

Jack says, “Well, you would, I suppose, if you were afraid to go after it yourself.”

Moog stops laughing, and pounds his fist on the table. “You have insulted me, human! Prepare for battle! Moog turns the table over, and heads for Jack.

11:53 pm – Everyone is back on the bridge of Enterprise, except Mr. Scott, who has gone back to engineering. Captain Kirk orders that they scan the area for the Klingon’s ship and for the stolen shuttle craft. He says, “We have to get to that shuttle before the Klingons find it.” He presses a button, “Mr. Scott! I need those sensors back online immediately!”

11:55 pm – Mr. Scott is at his wit’s end. “I’m doing the best that I can!” Everyone scrambles around. Chloe points to a button on the console near Mr. Spock, and asks, “What is that?” She presses the button, and the sensors come back online.

11:56 pm – Kirk orders, “Main viewer on!” A large screen on one wall of the bridge flickers on. They seen the Klingon ship they’ve been looking for. It’s facing them and it fills the entire screen. Kirk says, “Red alert!” A woman near Kirk says, “The Klingon Bird of Prey is hailing us, sir!” Kirk says, “Let’s have it!”

11:57 pm – Jack appears on the main viewer. He’s sitting in Moog’s command chair, holding Moog’s knife. Jack says, “I have everything under control here. Any word on that shuttle craft?”

Kirk looks amused, “No… no word yet. We’re working on it.”

11:58 pm – Aboard the shuttle craft, one of the terrorists talks into a walkie-talkie and says, “We have the crystal.” There’s a brilliant flash of light.

11:59 pm – Jack finds himself sitting on the ground on a street corner, still holding Moog’s knife. There’s a palm tree next to him. A Ferrari Testarossa drives up. A man wearing a white suit and a turquoise shirt says to Jack, “Well, don’t just sit there! Get in!”

12:00 midnight – Time’s up!

24 – Two Days Later – Hour 4

The following takes place between 10 pm and 11 pm

10:00 pm – A voice says, “Yes, EVERYONE is here…just pipe down! I think he’s here.” Chloe looks over and can see a light shining underneath a door. The door opens and the figure in the doorway turns on the lights in the room. It’s Jack.

10:01 pm – The room is full of people who yell, “SURPRISE!” Jack pulls out his gun, and points it at everyone. Chloe sees that she’s standing in an office, which is packed with many other people. They’re all wearing party hats. A short, dark-haired pregnant woman wearing a waitress apron pulls Jack by the arm, and says, “No water pistols in Sammy’s office! Now get in here.” She slaps his hand, removes the pistol from his hand, and shoves it in the waistband of his pants. Jack is stunned because he has never seen someone move that quickly before. He glances over to see Chloe, who shrugs.

Jack says, “You’re going to have to show me how to do that.” The waitress says, “Get pregnant eight times and try and keep your kids from getting into trouble. That’s the crash course!” She goes to the door, looks into the next room, and says, “What’s wrong with you guys? Get in here now!” Bill and Morris go into the room. The woman closes the door, and says, “Sammy will be here any minute. Now quiet down!” She turns off the light.

10:03 pm – Jack says, “Chloe, where are…. YOW!”

We hear the woman’s voice, “Say anything else and I’ll find a real gun and shoot you with it! Now quiet down!”

10:04 pm – Somewhere out in the city, the group of terrorists stands around listening to a walkie-talkie. A voice which sounds like it has been disguised by some sort of electronic device says,. “The next objective is several blocks from here. This should be very simple. Just go in, grab it, and get out. If you see Bauer or any of the rest of them, I want you to kill them!”

10:05 pm – Back in the dark room, everyone’s quiet. We hear some footsteps outside the door again, and it opens. The lights go on, and everyone yells, “SURPRISE!” Everyone in the room goes up to the tall handsome man that just opened the door and tells him “Happy Birthday, Sam!”

10:06 pm – Sam is very surprised. Everyone in the room leaves the office to go into the next room, which turns out to be a bar. Jack, Chloe, Morris and Bill all move to a table off to the side to figure out what’s going on.

10:07 pm – Sam tells the dark-haired woman, “Carla, I thought we’d been shut down! The bar is never empty at this time of night!”

A young man behind the bar interrupts, “Well, there was that time that Mr. Peterson and Mr. Clavin had that baked bean eating contest…”

Sam says, “Oh yeah Cliff, I remember that. I thought you guys were going to explode!”

Cliff says, “Norm and I were conducting highly scientific experiments! We wanted to find out how much gas we could hold in.”

Carla says, “Clavin, if we let all that gas out, you’d completely deflate!” Cliff seems nonplussed.

10:09 pm – Over at Jack’s table, they talk about what’s been happening to them. Jack says, “We’ve got to figure out what’s going on. We’ve been transported from that warehouse to that house, then to a tropical island, and now into this bar.”

Chloe says, “It must have been that computer setup in the warehouse. Whatever that archway was, it must have been some kind of gateway to allow people to transport to different places around the world.”

Morris says, “That doesn’t make any sense! We walked through that archway once. We haven’t walked through any other archways since, and yet we find ourselves transported for no apparent reason. That…” Morris stops talking as Carla walks up to their table.

Carla says, “What would you like?” Jack says, “Four beers.” Carla leans over to Bill and asks, “Ok, I have his order. Do you see anything you like, hon?” Bill tells her that he’s pretty sure Jack ordered for everyone. Carla mutters, “No one takes hints anymore.” She leaves to get the beer.

10:10 pm – Chloe says, “I’ve been thinking about this. It’s like we’re in some kind of weird time-space warp. It’s the only reasonable explanation for this.”

Morris rolls his eyes, “That’s your explanation for everything lately: ‘Ooo! I can’t find my car keys! It must be a time-space warp! I bought serial cable instead of Cat5! It must be a time-space warp!”

Chloe says, “YOU’LL be in a time-space warp if you don’t shut up!”

Jack intervenes, and says, “Stop it, you two! Chloe, I agree with you.” Chloe smirks at Morris. Jack continues, “You have to stop fighting. We shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves. The less attention we draw and the more we blend in, the better.”

Bill says, “Jack’s right. The best thing for us to do is just observe what’s happening to see if we can get some kind of clue about what’s happening. We’ll just lay low and see what we can think of.”

10:11 pm – The door to the outside of the bar opens, and a heavy-set man walks in and says, “Evening, everybody!” Everyone in the bar yells, “Norm!”

The young man at the bar says, “What can I get for you, Mr. Peterson?”

Norm replies, “An intravenous beer drip, Woody, and make it snappy!”

Commercial

10:16 pm – Norm and Cliff start telling jokes to each other. Norm says, “A man with three ducks walks into a bar…”

While this is going on, Jack approaches the bar. He flashes his badge and tells Woody in a low voice, “I’m from CTU Los Angeles. I need to use your phone.”

Cliff overhears this, and says, “Help the man out, Woody.” He turns to Jack, “Cliff Clavin. Good to see another man in the service here to visit. I might be able to take you around and show how we do it here in Beantown.”

Woody asks, “What’s CTU?”

Jack starts to tell him, and Cliff interrupts, “That would be Cargo Transport Unit, one of the branches of the Postal Service of these United States! Why, they haul more cargo before 6 am than most people do all day!”

Carla walks by and says, “You carry around more cargo behind you than most people do in a lifetime.”

Cliff says, “Why, thank you Carla! That wa…. HEY!”

10:18 pm – Woody hands Jack a phone, and Jack dials the CTU number. He only gets a message that says the number is not in service.

10:19 pm – Outside of the bar, a Chinese terrorist drives away in a Corvette as a severe-looking woman and a dignified-looking man enter the building.

10:20 pm – Cliff says, “Ok, a psychiatrist and his wife walk into the bar…”

Norm says, “I’ve already heard this one… ‘Yeah, but I didn’t count on the marbles’… really funny, Cliffy.”

Cliff replies, “No, really… Frasier and Lilith just walked in”.

Frasier says, “Good evening, everyone! Sam, you must thank Rebecca for us when you see her.”

Sam says, “What for?”

Frasier replies, “I had no idea Cheers was attempting to raise its status amongst your wealthier clientele!” He looks right at Cliff and Norm, “No offense, men.”

Norm looks up, “None taken.”

Sam says, “What are you talking about, Frasier?”

Lilith replies, “Why the attendant you employed at the street side. I have to say you’ve picked up on that trend quiet nicely. It was only last week when little Fredrick’s academy started using them.”

Sam thinks a minute, and then starts to laugh. “Frasier… I think you’ve been had. I don’t have an attendant. You fell for the oldest trick in the world. You gave your car keys to a car thief!”

Frasier starts to laugh and so does Lilith. “As if I’d drive here!” More people start to laugh. Frasier continues, “We took a taxi here! I was talking about the Corvette that the attendant just went to park.”

10:22 pm – Sam continues to laugh… for a split second until he realizes what Frasier just said. “My ‘vette? Someone just stole my Corvette?? You didn’t throw yourself in front of the guy so he couldn’t get away???” Sam hops over the bar, runs out the door, and up the stairs. We can’t see him, but we can hear him scream. He runs back downstairs. Sam asks, “What did he look like? Which direction did he go?”

Frasier says, “Well, I believe he was Taiwanese. He was headed north of here as he drove away.”

Lilith interrupts, “No, you’re wrong, Frasier.”

Sam is becoming more agitated, “Well, which way WAS he going?”

Lilith says, “He was definitely from Mainland China. I could tell by the clothes he was wearing.” Everyone at Jack’s table stops talking when they hear the words “Mainland China”.

Lilith sees the look on Sam’s face and realizes that wasn’t what he asked. “Oh, um, yes… he was going north…”

Carla says, “That’s in the direction of Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern!”

Sam says, “Gary must still be mad for the last prank we pulled on him! He must have had my car stolen. We have to get it back!”

Jack decides this is the right time to step in and goes to speak with Sam. “I’m with CTU Los Angeles. We have to go after that guy. He’s a wanted terrorist!”

Sam says, “Friend of yours, Cliffie?” Cliff nods. Sam continues, “If that guy gets one little scratch on my ‘vette, I going to beat him senseless! Who has a car I can borrow? Norm? Carla? Cliff?”

Carla tells Sam, “My kids dropped me off. This time they even slowed down.”

Norm says, “I walked here.”

Cliff says, “But that’s thirty-seven blocks!”

Norm replies, “Well, it was either that or walk one block home and get the keys from Vera to drive here.”

Sam says, “Come on guys! We need a car!”

Cliff says, “No can do, Sammy! All I have is the official U.S. Postal Service vehicle that is for official use only!”

Jack says, “But it’s after 10 pm! What official business can you have at this time of night? You’re in here drinking!” Carla sneaks up behind Cliff.

Cliff fidgets, “Well… you do have a point there.”

Carla grabs the keys from Cliff’s pocket and tosses them to Jack. She immediately starts making retching noises and tries to wipe her hands off on her apron. “You owe me, Sam Malone! I touched Clavin! Do you know how much soap I’m going to have to use to get this stench off of me?” She runs to the bathroom.

Jack tells Chloe and Morris to stay put, and to let him know if anything happens. Bill and Jack run off, and Chloe yells after them, “How are we supposed to do that, if our cell phones don’t work?” Norm, Sam and Cliff run out of the bar. Cliff pleads, “At least let me drive!”

Morris says, “This must be what he meant by ‘We shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves.’”.

10:26 pm – Cliff jumps into his mail truck. Sam and Jack are standing next to him, and we can see Bill is the back of the truck with Norm. Sam tells everyone that Gary must have had his car stolen because of the “Hair Club For Men” sign they put in place of the “Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern” sign. They start heading for Gary’s bar.

Bill asks Norm, “So, do you go chasing after people in mail trucks often?”

Norm says, “Let’s see…. This is Thursday…. Yeah, that’s about right.”

Commercial

10:32 pm – An elderly Chinese couple enter the bar, and Woody directs them the restaurant upstairs. Chloe and Morris are immediately suspicious of this, and follow them upstairs. A young Chinese man wearing workman’s coveralls comes into the bar. He tells Woody that he’s here to install a new cooling motor in the pool table. Woody can’t get over the fact that pool tables now have cooling motors in them, and he directs the workman to the back room. The guy starts heading to the back room, looks around, and sidesteps into Sam’s office, closing the door behind him.

10:34 pm – The mail truck pulls up outside of Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern. Cliff says, “I have a great plan. I’ll just need a stack of those occupant postcards. Yeah, you never know when these things are going to come in handy.” Bill hands Cliff small stack of postcards and asks, “Who’s Evelyn Woodooski?”

Cliff nervously says, “Just hand me the cards…”

Norm interrupts, “Isn’t she the woman that got that restraining order against you to stop delivering mail to her house?”

Sam says, “Yeah, I think it was… What are those for, Cliff?”

Cliff blurts out, “Just never mind that. Aren’t you worried about your car? I’m going to go in there and pretend to deliver the mail, and I’ll see what I can find out.”

Norm says, “Don’t you always pretend to deliver the mail?” Cliff gives him a dirty look.

Sam says, “Just let him go.”

Jack tells everyone, “I’m going to go around to the back to see if I can find anything. Bill, get behind the wheel in case we need to get out of here fast.”

10:36 pm – Jack gets out of the truck with his gun drawn and heads towards the back of the building. He sees a dumpster, but there’s no sign of Sam’s Corvette. There’s a loud scream from the front of the building. Jack goes running back to front of the building, and he sees Cliff with the back of his underwear stretched over the top of his head. Cliff tells everyone that his plan didn’t work as well as he hoped.

10:37 pm – The maintenance man who went into Sam’s office finds what he was looking for: A baseball. He leaves Sam’s office and tells Woody that he’s all done with the repair, and that they’ll send a bill. As he leaves, Chloe and Morris come back downstairs, arguing about whether or not they should have frisked the couple that went upstairs to dinner. Morris says, “We were fine until you tasered that woman!”

At the same time, Sam uses a very large cell phone to make a phone call to Carla. Sam tells her to call the police because Gary doesn’t have the Corvette and it needs to be reported as stolen. Carla tells Sam, “After I washed the Clavin off of me, I called the most connected people I know, to see if they knew of any Chinese auto theft ring. They didn’t have any idea where to look. I guess my kids aren’t on top of this sort of thing as they used to be.”

10:38 pm – Woody asks to talk to Sam. He says that the pool table repair man just left, and that they’re going to invoice for the services rendered. Sam tells Woody that there was nothing wrong with the pool table and that he’s told him a million times not to let people repair things that aren’t broken.

Commercial

10:46 pm – Cliff drives back towards the bar, and while Sam keeps talking to himself. “What did my car ever to do anyone? And now I have people fixing things that aren’t broken! This is going to cost me a fortune! If they got one scratch on it…” They stop at a light.

10:47 pm – A Corvette from the cross street drives past them. Sam yells, “THAT’S MY CAR!” Cliff makes a right turn and starts to go after it. He says, “Everyone hold on!” He flips a cover on the dashboard, and presses a button. The mail truck really starts moving really fast.

Amid all the shaking and rattling around as the car accelerates, Cliff says, “I made a few modifications to the truck to deliver mail more quickly.” They rocket up to and then past the Corvette, which makes a left turn behind them, and is gone.

10:48 – Jack tells Cliff, “You better let me drive.” Cliff is hesitant at first, but then regains his composure, telling Sam, “It’s a professional courtesy to let members of the Cargo Transport Unit to drive any vehicles they need to. It’s in the union rules.”

10:49 pm – Jack slams on the breaks, spins the truck around 180 degrees and floors it. Cliff screams. Jack makes a turn to follow the Corvette without even slowing down, narrowly missing other cars as he does so. Jack yells to Bill to come up to the front to drive, and orders everyone else to the back.

10:50 pm – Jack pulls out his gun. Norm tells Cliff, “This guy is really serious!” Jack starts to shoot at the Corvette, and Sam yells for him to stop before something happens. Right about this time, something does happen: one of Jack’s bullets meets up with the gas tank of the Corvette, and it explodes! The Corvette goes flipping end over head, and lands on its roof.

10:52 pm – The driver of the Corvette is dead, and the passenger frantically talks on a walkie-talkie to someone. Jack and Bill go running out to the car. Sam staggers out of the mail truck, followed by Norm and Cliff. Sam mutters, “My car! My car!”

10:53 pm – Traffic has stopped all around them. Jack has his gun drawn and orders the man out of the car. The man yells something in Chinese and a baseball goes rolling out of the driver’s side window. Jack is still yelling at the guy in the car to get out, and ignores the baseball.

10:54 pm – While this is going on, a car slowly drives up across the street. The driver’s side door opens, and gloved hand grabs the baseball as it rolls up to the car. The window behind the driver rolls down, and a machine gun comes out and starts to shoot at Jack and the Corvette. Everyone runs back to the mail truck, which takes a few bullets in the side.

10:55 pm – Jack starts to return fire. Norm swears that if he gets out of this alive, he’s going to spend more time with Vera. There’s a bright flash, and the shooting stops. Sam, Norm and Cliff look around, but don’t see Jack and Bill. The occupants of the car that were shooting are gone, and so is the man that was still alive in the car. Norm looks at Sam and Cliff, “You’re not going to hold me to that promise, are you?”

Sam slowly walks out to his Corvette to assess the damage and says, “How am I going to explain this?”

Norm asks Cliff, “How are you going to explain on the damage to your mail truck?”

Cliff replies, “This sort of thing happens all the time in the line of duty.”

10:59 pm – Instead of the street they were standing in, Bill and Jack are now standing in a curved hallway. There’s a siren going off and a large red rectangular panel is flashing on and off.

11:00 pm – Time’s up!

24 – Two Days Later – Hour 3

The following takes place between 9 pm and 10 pm

9:00 pm – Chloe insists that she didn’t do anything to transport everyone into the jungle they are now standing in. “Look Jack, if I chose some place to go, it would have been back to CTU. I’m pretty tired right now, and I’m getting cranky.”

Morris glances over at Bill and whispers, “The last time she was ‘cranky’, she tasered me, and when I woke up my head was shaved.” Bill points out that Morris’ head has always been shaved as long as he’s known him, and Morris says, “Exactly.”

9:02 pm – Chloe ignores all of them, and taps on her watch. She puts it up to her ear to listen to it, when Morris points that digital watches don’t making ticking noises. Chloe gives him a dirty look, and says, “I know that Morris. I was trying to figure out of the harmonic resonance of the LCD was being effected by whatever is sending us all over the place.” Morris starts to point out that what Chloe said is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but she shoots him a look and he backs down.

She continues, “I know we’re in a jungle, and everything, but doesn’t it seem a little weird to all of you that it’s 9:00 pm at night, and it’s still light out?”

Morris says that “pm at night” is redundant. Chloe threatens to make Morris redundant, so he drops it. Jack and Bill agree that there is definitely something weird happening.

9:05 pm – Jack says, “We’re not going to figure out where we are by standing around. Everyone follow me.” They start to make their way through the dense vegetation, Jack leading the way, Bill right behind him, followed by Chloe and Morris. Chloe tells everyone to be careful, because the insects in the foliage they’re walking through could be deadly. Bill laughs and says that he used to live in South Florida where he witnessed gang fights between fire ants and palmetto bugs, so he’s not afraid of any bugs.

9:07 pm – Almost on cue, they hear a weird noise. Bill’s eyes grow wide and he says, “Guys… Where are we?” in a little girl voice. Everyone stops and listens, but they don’t hear it again. They continue on their way.

Commercial

9:11 pm – The jungle foliage is becoming less dense, and Jack tells everyone that he thinks he hears the ocean ahead of them. Chloe says that, technically, the ocean is ALWAYS ahead of them, but Jack ignores this and continues. About fifty yards ahead of them, they can see blue water.

9:13 pm – Jack tells everyone to be quiet. Everyone stops talking and listens. They hear a strange static-sounding rumbling noise from somewhere behind them. They start running for the beach, nearly tripping all over each other.

They burst out of the jungle onto the beach. The noise that was following them has stopped. Bill points down the beach at something. “What’s that wreckage?” They move towards it.

9:14 pm – They arrive at the wreckage of a boat. Bill wonders, “Do you think anyone could have survived?”

Chloe looks at him, “Bill, it’s a small hole in a boat. It’s not like the wreckage were from a plane. If it were a plane, there would be no way someone could survive something like that. Anyway, the people on board this ship would have had time to jump overboard.”

9:16 pm – Jack walks around the ship and back to the group. Jack says, “The boat is the S.S. Minnow. It looks like it was abandoned some time ago.”

Bill says, “But where did….”

Morris puts up the palm of his hand to stop everyone from speaking, and Bill goes the typical guy thing and instinctively gives him a high five. They briefly start slapping each others hands trying to get the other to stop until they hear the strange noise again.

9:17 pm – They see the source of the noise: A thin young man with a white hat and a red shirt comes to the edge of the jungle near where they’re standing. He’s been trying to make ambulance noises using the megaphone, which seems pretty low on batteries. It’s hard to tell who’s more startled at seeing the other, the young man, or Jack’s group. It’s probably the young man, since the noise he’s making with the megaphone trails off into a low “Uh, oh…”

9:18 pm – The young man stands there for a second, waves weakly, decides it would be better to turn around and run into the jungle, so he does. The man yells “SKIPPER!” as he makes a mad dash through the jungle. Jack starts running after him, while the other three are still standing there trying to understand what they just saw. They snap out of it, and then run after Jack.

Commercial

9:23 pm – Jack goes running after the man. Jack can’t keep up, because it looks like this guy has had a lot of practice running through the jungle. Still, Jack hasn’t lost sight of him, and yells for Chloe, Morris and Bill to hurry up so they don’t get separated.

9:24 pm – The young man stops up ahead. It looks like he’s trying to decide something. Jack nearly catches up when the man makes up his mind. He turns around to face Jack, and pulls a rope as Jack approaches. Unfortunately, what happens isn’t quite what the young man expects: A net that was under the dirt catches the man by surprise, and he’s suddenly hanging twenty feet in the air. The man starts really yelling now, “SKIPPPER!”, alternating it with “PleaseDon’tHurtMePleaseDon’tHurtMe” over and over.

9:26 pm – Bill and Chloe catch up with Jack, who is trying to calm the young man down. Jack tells him, “We’re not going to hurt you!”. He puts his gun away.

The man says, “Oh, yeah? Then why were you looking at the boat? You’re cannibals!”

Chloe says, “Look at me… Am I dressed like a cannibal?”

The man stops for a minute and realizes that she might not be a cannibal. Bill whispers to her, “What exactly does a cannibal dress like?”

Chloe punches him in the stomach with her elbow, grits her teeth and says, “Quiet! We’re trying to calm him down!” It seems to be working, because the young man is quieter now.

Jack looks around, and asks, “Where’s Morris?”

Bill says, “We thought he ran ahead and was with you!”

The young man hears this discussion and yells, “YOU ATE HIM! I KNEW IT! SKIPPER!”

9:27 pm – We hear a voice yell, “Gilligan! How many times did I tell you to…” Jack draws his gun. Two men come running into the clearing, and stop when they see Jack holding the gun. Morris arrives at the same time, a little winded from falling behind.

“Now wait a minute! We’re not going to hurt anyone! We’re just here to get my little buddy!” says one of the men. He looks like he must be a ship captain, because he’s wearing a hat with an anchor on it. Jack makes a quick assessment and realizes all three of these guys are pretty harmless, mainly because they appear unarmed.

The other man introduces himself, “That’s the Skipper. I see you’ve met Gilligan. I’m Roy Hinkley. Everyone around here just calls me Professor. Are you here to rescue us?”

Chloe seems taken aback, “Rescue you? What do you mean? We’re trying to figure out where we are!”

The Skipper says, “Let’s head back to camp and introduce you to the others. Maybe you’re finally the people that will help us off this island!”

Everyone leaves…. Except Gilligan, who is still up in the net. “Professor? Skipper? New guys? ….Anyone?”

Commercial

9:32 pm – On the way, The Professor explains about the shipwreck and how The Skipper and Gilligan saved everyone. They’ve been on the island for some time now, and are hopeful they’ll be rescued soon.

The group arrives at a set of huts, which surround a picnic table. Skipper introduces everyone, “This is Ginger, Mr. And Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and you’ve met The Professor and Gilligan… Gilligan? Gilligan?” Gilligan comes out from the jungle, completely dirty. Gilligan tells everyone he’s going to go change clothes.

9:34 pm – Mary Ann excuses herself and comes back in a moment. Mary Ann says, “I made a coconut pie. Would you like some?” She offers some to Jack, who declines. She offers some to Bill. Mr. Howell rolls his eyes; Skipper makes cutting motions across his neck and shakes his head.

The Professor pulls Jack aside and says, “We’ve eaten coconut for years here. Every way you can imagine. Diced, sliced, boiled, broiled, baked, toasted…. I think the strain of being on this island and eating so much of it, she finally cracked. She’s been making eighteen coconut pies a day for the last three weeks.”

9:35 pm – Gilligan comes walking out of his hut, wearing exactly the style of clothes as he was wearing before. He sees the questioning look on Bill’s face, and Gilligan tells him he has twenty sets of the exact same clothes. Bill says that he thinks it’s a little weird that everyone seems to have packed clothes for a three-hour tour, and Gilligan says he never thought of that before.

9:36 pm – Gilligan tells Chloe, “I gave the Geiger counter to that friend of yours just now. He was in there looking for it when I went in to change clothes, and I gave it to him.”

Chloe says, “Geiger counter? Where did you get a Geiger counter?”

The Professor explains that he made it from things he found on the island, and then says, “Wait a second… What friend?”

9:37 pm – Gilligan says, “The Chinese guy that was with the rest of these people! He came up to me and asked for it, so I gave it to him.”

Jack tells Bill, “I want a perimeter around this entire camp now!” Bill, Morris and Chloe run off into the jungle.

About thirty seconds later, Chloe slowly comes walking back. “Jack, I know I’m not as experienced as you and everything, but … What exactly is a ‘perimeter’?”

Jack thinks about it a minute. “It’s when you surround an area to make sure that no one can get in or out of it.”

Chloe asks, “And just how are we going to do that with three people?”

9:38 pm – Jack looks at the ground, “You know, I never thought of that… But that’s not important now. What is important is we have to follow Cheng and find out what he wants with that Geiger counter.”

Jack turns to Gilligan, “What did this guy look like? Old guy? Trench coat?”

Gilligan replies, “No, he didn’t look like an old guy or like a trench coat. He was a young guy, dressed all in black. Nice guy.”

Mary Ann says, “I offered him a piece of pie!”

Jack says, “What? More people saw him? Didn’t you think this was the least bit strange?”

Mr. Howell says, “Now see here, young man. What was your name?”

Jack says, “Bauer. Jack Bauer.”

Mrs. Howell says, “Thurston, didn’t we know a Bauer in the Hamptons? Tall man?”

Mr. Howell says, “No, Lovey, that was Doris Bauer. She was one of our cooks.”

She thinks about this a minute, “Oh, yes! She made those delightful little cookies we had at tea.”

Mary Ann volunteers, “I can make you some coconut cookies!”

Jack says, “I need everyone to get ready! It’s not safe here! We’re going after them, and you’re coming with me!”

Commercial

9:45 pm – Jack, Chloe, Bill and Morris are all sitting at the picnic table waiting for everyone else to get ready. Jack finally yells, “We’re leaving!”

Everyone comes out of their huts, but wearing completely different clothes. The Skipper and Gilligan are wearing grass skirts and tribal make up; The Professor is wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit; Ginger is wearing a trenchcoat and a hat; Mary Ann is wearing a bikini and holding a coconut pie.

Jack asks, “Why are all of you dressed like that? Where are Mr. and Mrs. Howell?”

Mr. and Mrs. Howell come driving up in a golf cart, made entirely out of bamboo, palm fronds, and coconuts. They’re wearing explorer’s outfits.

Morris says, “A golf cart? Where did you find a golf cart?”

The professor says, “Well, I made it of course!”

Morris tells him, “Look, if you can make all these huts, a Geiger counter, and a golf cart of out things you get from the island, don’t you think you’d be able to figure out how to get off this island?”

The Professor just stares at Morris and then says, “I’m not sure I see your point…”

Morris looks at Chloe, who shrugs. Morris throws up hands in frustration, “If they just….”

A gunshot rings out. Everyone looks to see Jack standing on the picnic table, pointing the gun he just fired straight up. Jack says, “Enough of this! We’re supposed to be after dangerous Chinese terrorists! We need to get after them right now! Gilligan, which way did that guy leave?”

Gilligan says, “He asked where the lagoon was.” He points into the jungle. Jack hops down off the picnic table, and runs off.

Mary calls after him, “I’ll save you a piece of pie!”

Chloe, Morris and Bill run after Jack. The castaways decide to follow.

Mrs. Howell says, “He seems like such an angry man. I’m going to have to speak to Doris about him. ”

9:48 pm – Jack continues to run through the jungle and trips over some branches. He looks for his gun briefly, and finds it. He finally reaches the lagoon. Across the lagoon, two men are standing at the shoreline over something that looks like piece of sheet metal. One of the men is soaking wet, the other is holding what looks like a couple of coconuts. They don’t notice Jack as he starts to make his way around to their side of the lagoon.

9:51 pm – There’s a splash in the water, and two more men in scuba gear surface. Both of them are holding some electronic equipment. They yell something in Chinese to the men on the shoreline. The two men on the shore look up to respond, and one of them sees Jack!

9:53 pm – Jack tries to shoot the guys on shore, but they duck for cover. Next he tries to shoot the guys in the water, and this time he’s more successful. One of Jack’s shots hits the pillar valve on one of the tanks and it breaks off. The guy still attached to this does some impromptu body surfing to the opposite side of the lagoon and into the jungle. The other scuba driver has gone underwater.

9:55 pm – Bill, Morris, Chloe and the castaways arrive at the lagoon. Jack tells everyone to take cover. They all hide behind trees. The Professor peaks out from around the tree and says, “That’s scrap from the space capsule that blew up! We were going to use it to be rescued!”

The scuba diver that hid underwater has made his way over to the other side of the lagoon, and the two men are trying to help him out of the water, all while Jack is shooting. One of them is hit, and falls to the ground. The other pulls out a walkie-talkie, and frantically yells into it.

9:58 pm – Jack has nearly made it to them now, and tells them to drop their weapons and kneel on the ground. The man with the walkie-talkie laughs. There’s a bright flash of light and a loud noise. Gilligan yells that Jack and the Chinese men are gone! Everyone looks around, and they see that Bill, Chloe and Morris are gone too. Ginger mutters, “We’re never going to get off this island!” Mary Ann offers everyone some pie.

9:59 pm – A dark room. It’s completely silent, until we hear Chloe say, “Is anyone there?”

10:00 pm – Time’s up!

24 – Two Days Later

7:00 pm – A young man, dressed as a valet, speaks with his supervisor while a small group of other valets waits. The supervisor says, “This is your first day. All you have to do is greet the guest, take the car keys, hand them a receipt, and drive the car over to the lot. That’s all there is to it.” A car pulls up to the restaurant. The other valets seem to recognize the car, and all dive behind the bushes, in an attempt to hide. The supervisor looks around nervously, and tells the new valet to park the car that just drove up. The new valet runs around to the driver’s side door to open it. Before he gets there, the car door opens, and Jack Bauer steps out. He warns the valet that if anything happens to the car, he will hunt him down. The valet looks nervously back towards the restaurant and sees his supervisor nervously peaking out from behind a philodendron.

7:02 pm – Jack enters the restaurant. The hostess asks if Jack had reservations. Jack says, “I’m not Native American. I’m just here to meet some friends.” Jack sees Bill, Chloe and Morris in a booth in the back of the restaurant near a small musical quartet, and starts towards them.

7:03 pm – On his way to the table, Jack briefly interrogates one of the customers after seeing a table with a suspicious plate of linguini covered with crumbled Pop Tarts and French fries. Jack finally concludes the customer just has an extremely bad sense of taste, and he continues through the restaurant to the table where his friends are seated.

7:04 pm – Jack sits down in the booth with the others, and thanks them for inviting him out for dinner, and especially for not picking a Chinese restaurant. Bill tells Jack that CTU has hired him as a consultant.

Chloe tells Jack, “I’m so sorry about Audrey.”

Jack looks down at the table and says, “Thanks, Chloe, but Audrey is going to be fine”.

Chloe says, “That’s what I meant”.

Bill distracts them both and says, “I have it on authority that Cheng has been released from custody.”

Chloe rolls her eyes. “We all know that, Bill. I’m the one that told you that!”

Bill doesn’t seem to hear this and continues, “Cheng was released to the Chinese embassy just a couple of hours ago. The White House had him released after the Chinese ambassador threatened to cut off all shipments of wonton wrappers to the United States, unless Cheng was remanded to Chinese custody”.

Jack slams his fist onto the table. “Don’t they know what Cheng is capable of? The last few days just haven’t made any sense to me. First we thwart a plot to blow up a major city with a nuclear weapon…”

Bill points out, “They blew up Valencia, Jack”.

Jack continues, “I said MAJOR city… Ok, I see your point. We mostly thwarted them. That’s beside the point.” He glares at Bill. “…Anyway, it turns out that my dad, brother, a Russian general who was under the delusion he had detachable arms, and some Mid-Eastern terrorists from a country whose name we never found out are all in on this bomb plot. We get that fixed, and then we have to fight the Chinese over a computer chip, AND over what they did to Audrey! Does that make sense to anyone here?” Everyone is quiet.

The waiter arrives with drinks for Chloe, Morris, and Bill, and asks Jack for his drink order. Jack orders a margarita with a perimeter of salt.

Jack looks at them all. “I’m just happy that it’s all over, and we don’t have to worry about anything bad happening.”

Loud foreshadowing music plays.

Morris reaches out and pulls over a waiter. “Do you mind asking the quartet not to play any loud foreshadowing music?”

7:08 pm – Several workers in an abandoned factory make adjustments to a large television screen which hangs above an arch, positioned against a wall. Wires connect the arch to a large bank of computers. People sit at the computers, working frantically. Cheng stands at the other end of the room, and speaks on a cell phone. “Yes. I’ve just arrived… Yes. The final adjustments are being made now. We’re awaiting your arrival.”

7:09 pm – Cheng hangs up the phone and dials another number. He tells the person at the other end, “You have a green light. …No, I know you’re not sitting at a traffic light. I meant that you should start the operation. …Yes, I realize you’re not a doctor. That’s not what I meant! Listen carefully! The mission you’ve been training for… Yes. Yes, that one. It’s time to start!”

Commercial

7:16 pm – Morris asks Bill, “When is Karen getting back from Washington?”

“She’ll be back in another week,” Bill replies. “Vice President Daniels asked her to stay on a few a few more days until she could hire her own replacement. Karen is having a hard time finding someone that’s capable of resigning, taking it back, firing her husband and then circumventing secret military operations. There aren’t many people submitting resumes with that sort of experience.” Bill seems proud of that.

7:17 pm – A busboy walks out through the back door of the restaurant where Jack is having dinner. He walks into the alley carrying several trash bags. He opens the lid and throws the bags in. He turns around to go back into the building when a man stands up in the dumpster, and pulls the busboy into the dumpster. There’s a short fight inside the dumpster. The attacker jumps out of the dumpster and unzips the cover-all he is wearing; he’s wearing clothes just like the waiters inside. He grabs something from inside the dumpster and goes into the building.

7:20 pm – Morris and Chloe are in the midst of an argument about the merits of using strongly-typed languages versus weakly-typed languages as the waiter arrives with the drinks and food. Bill and Jack try to break up the fight, and no one notices that the waiter isn’t the same one that took their orders. Everyone finally calms down, and everyone except Jack starts to eat.

Bill asks why Jack isn’t eating, and he says, “I can’t eat this chicken. After biting that guys neck a couple of days ago, chicken tastes like terrorist to me now.”

Chloe says, “Well, Jack, why did you order it then?”

Jack thinks for a second, and says “…. I didn’t…”

As Jack pushes that plate away, he sees a wire come out from underneath it. He lifts it up and sees a small explosive device on the bottom of the plate! Jack immediately takes the plate and starts to run out of the building. The hostess at the front briefly attempts to stop Jack from leaving with one of the restaurant plates, but thinks better of it when he pulls out a gun. Jack shoots the glass door which shatters as he runs through it, and across the street.

By this time, Bill, Morris and Chloe have gotten out of their seats and taken a few steps towards the front of the restaurant. Somewhere outside, there’s a large explosion.

Commercial

7:28 pm – Police cars, fire trucks and many people with cell phones trying to take videos to sell to the media are out in the street. The movie theater across from the restaurant is engulfed in flames. Bill approaches a group of movie theater employees to ask what happened, and one of them tells him that a man carrying a plate of chicken ran into the theatre moments before the whole place exploded.

7:29 pm – Firemen are working to clear the marquee that fell down in front of the entrance, so they can go inside the theatre to look for any survivors. They move a large section of the marquee, and we see soot-covered Jack emerge from the building, eating a bag of popcorn.

7:30 pm – The movie theater manager that has been talking to a police sergeant points at Jack and yells, “I want that man arrested!” Jack walks over to him and shows the officer his CTU badge. Bill, Morris and Chloe run over to Jack, expressing their relief that he’s OK. The manager is still very upset. “I want this man arrested! I don’t care where you’re from, or who you work for! You blew up my theater!”

Jack says, “Relax! When I ran outside, I had to dispose of the bomb in a place that I knew wouldn’t have any people in it. I saw that the theatre across the street was showing ‘The Life and Times of Paris Hilton’, and I knew the place would be completely empty.”

The sergeant asks, “What about the employees?”

The manager of the theatre speaks up, “We all ran out of there after the movie started. We didn’t want anything to do with that movie”.

7:32 pm – The police sergeant pulls the theater owner aside to tell him about CTU’s contract with the city to blow up any buildings they feel necessary. Jack dials CTU on his cell phone, and notices the waiter who brought him the plate bomb getting into a car down the street. He starts to run after the car, and tells Bill to get his SUV so they can go after the waiter. Jack starts running after the car. A valet tosses Bill the keys to the SUV and points to the lot near the restaurant.

7:34 pm – Jack runs down the street and around the corner after the waiter’s car, while trying to talk to Nadia at CTU at the same time. Nadia hears the heavy breathing on the other end of the line, and threatens to send a CTU tactical unit until she realizes it’s Jack on the phone. Jack stops and tells her the license plate and the location of the waiter’s car. Nadia tells Jack that she’ll get her top people on it. Jack points out that Chloe and Morris are her top people, and that they’re both with him right now. Nadia says she’ll get her next-to-top people on it. Bill’s car finally catches up with Jack, and Jack gets into the passenger seat, with Chloe and Morris in the back.

Commercial

7:40 pm – The waiter drives at high speed through the streets of Los Angeles, and realizes that Bill’s car is closing in fast. Jack leans out of the car and shoots the tires of the waiter’s car, which slows it down, but the waiter keeps driving. The waiter calls Cheng to tell him that Jack is hot on his trail, and closing in fast.

7:41 pm – Cheng tells the waiter he’s sorry to hear that. With the waiter’s car slowing down and Bill speeding, Jack has nearly caught up! Cheng presses a sequence of numbers on his cell phone, and then “enter”. The waiter’s car explodes!

7:42 pm – Nadia calls Jack, and starts to complain that Jack shouldn’t have blown up the car they were trying to track. Jack tells her that this time it wasn’t his fault. Bill, Morris and Chloe all speak up and Jack holds his cell phone towards them all so that Nadia can hear it. Nadia tells Jack that before the explosion they were able to spot the car on satellite, intercept a cell phone call between the car and Cheng, and pinpoint Cheng’s exact location. Jack seems pretty impressed about how they were able to do all that with a couple of minutes. Nadia shrugs and says it has something to do with those “computer thingies”.

7:44 pm – Jack asks Nadia where they need to go to find Cheng, and she gives them the address of an abandoned factory. Jack relays the information to Bill, and they start driving towards the factory. Morris asks Chloe why there are so many abandoned warehouses around, and that someone should start keeping an eye on those things because they always seem to turn into headquarters for criminals.

7:46 pm – Cheng dials his cell phone, and tells the person at the other end “The plan to kill Jack Bauer has failed, but we’ll continue to try. This doesn’t change your overall plans. The device is nearly ready.”

7:47 pm – Bill rolls the SUV to a stop and turns off the lights to the car. He points down the street and says, “That must be the abandoned warehouse. It has armed guards with machine guns out front.” Jack uses his binoculars to look at the guards. He tells Bill this isn’t the right address, and this must be some other criminal hideout. Bill realizes the right place is several blocks away, and starts heading there.

Commercial

7:52 pm – The SUV rolls up to another, suspiciously similar, abandoned warehouse. This one also has some guards armed with machine guns out front. Jack says he has a plan, and asks Bill, “Can I drive?”

Bill says, “…I think so, Jack. I’ve seen you do it before.”

Jack and Bill get out of the car and switch places to that Jack can drive. Jack revs up the SUV engine, and floors it! He heads straight for the chain-link fence the guards are standing in front of. The guards are taken completely by surprise because cars do this sort of thing in Los Angeles all the time, before swerving off in a different direction. Jack shoots one of the guards and crashes the SUV through the fence. The SUV spins around and Jack shoots the other guard. The SUV comes to a stop.

7:54 pm – There are several other cars in the lot, all parked next to the warehouse. One of the cars is in a parking spot labeled, “Criminal Mastermind of the Month”. The whole place is very quiet. Jack tells everyone to get out their guns, and get out of the car. Bill and Morris each pull out a gun, and Chloe pulls out a taser. They approach a building that has a sign on it “ACME Rent-A-Warehouse: Warehouses for the Criminal Mastermind”. Jack tells Bill to make a note of that for CTU. Jack opens a door to the warehouse, and after checking that the coast is clear, goes in. The rest follow.

7:55 pm – They see the warehouse doesn’t have anyone in it, at least that they can see. They spread out to look around. They see the arch with the television screen above it. The area within the archway is dark, and they can’t see through it. Bill and Jack check the other exits in the room, but don’t see anything.

7:56 pm – Morris looks at the computers. He tells everyone that the computers have been locked, and it’ll take some time to figure out what’s going on. Chloe picks up a television remote control on a table next to the arch, and clicks the “on” button. The dark area in the arch flickers as if a light were turned on, because we can now see a hallway down past the arch. The television monitor displays the same scene. Chloe tries the “off” button, but the remote makes a popping noise instead of turning anything off.

7:57 pm – Jack sees the hallway and tells everyone to come with him because it will be safer. They hesitate for a second, but decide to follow anyway. They all walk through the arch into a shag-carpeted hallway. There is wood paneling on the walls. Morris smirks and says that the seventies called and wants its style back. Jack hears a noise from one of the rooms. He motions for everyone to be quiet, and kicks the door in.

7:58 pm – Jack bursts into the room, and there’s a little blonde girl in pigtails in the room. She screams. Jack tells her that everything is OK. They’re looking for some very bad people who came through the hallway. The little girl has a lisp and tells them that she hasn’t heard anyone. She says she wants to see her parents.

7:59 pm – Chloe tells Jack, “Uh, Jack…. I think you should see this.” Jack steps back out into the hallway and looks to where Chloe is pointing. The archway they walked through is gone! Jack goes back to the little girl, and asks, “What’s your name, honey?” The little girl says, “Cindy.”

8:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Julian stopped the zombies by singing songs so bad that the zombies ripped off their own heads. Julian convinced Marwan to leave with him during the middle of a pending attack on Jack on Curtis by saying that he’s looking for a cure for Marwan’s pending zombie-ness. Chloe discovered that RoboEdgar has been having pizza delivered to CTU, and sends him out to help Jack and Curtis. Jack and Curtis head somewhere north of Las Vegas in search of the Marwans, and accidentally end up at Area 51, just in time for the power to all their electrical devices to go out, and a bright white light to shine into their SUV.

The following occurred between 1 am and 2 am – Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have to finish building a tower out of these mashed potatoes.

1:00 am – Blinding white light fills the cab of the SUV. Jack and Curtis smell a strange odor, and hear a loud humming noise. Curtis tells Jack that he thinks this would probably be a good time to freak out, before their faces start to melt and then he looks over at Jack. Jack is simply putting on his sun glasses. The humming gets a lot louder, and Curtis gets a strange look on his face. He says, “Is it my imagination, or is that…” Jack nods.

1:02 am – The humming noise seems to be a tune. Curtis realizes it’s the “Ride of the Valkyries”, and the odor smells like pepperoni pizza with a mix of apple strudel. Jack says, “I hate the smell of pizza in the morning. It smells like…RoboEdgar!”

1:03 am – RoboEdgar lands on the ground, turns down the beacon he was shining into the SUV, and stops humming. He waves at Jack and Curtis, who both get out of the car. Curtis is trying to get his eye to adjust to the darkness. Jack looks at his phone and says that the battery must be dead.

1:05 am – Jack tries to get the phone to work by banging his hand on the side of it. The battery drops out of the phone. RoboEdgar reaches down, grabs the battery, and sticks it into his ear. RoboEdgar’s eyes roll around in is head a few times, a “ding” like a kitchen timer goes off, and he hands the battery back to Jack. Curtis goes to the SUV to try to get it to start. RoboEdgar pulls out a bag of chips, and starts to eat.

1:07 am – Ex-President Manilow is in a tour bus along with his contingent of followers headed down the highway. Manilow reminds the driver of the bus that he wants to take them all to a place that’s low key, subdued, and where he can be well-hidden from everything that’s been going on the last couple of days. The bus driver tells him that he has just the place and not only that, they’ve arrived! They step off the bus in… Las Vegas. Manilow slaps himself in the head, and slides his hand down his face.

Commercial

1:12 am – Somewhere in the desert, Julian, Marwan and the thugs stop at a gas station. It’s closed. Julian and the thugs break into the building and start the gas pumps so they can pump gas. Marwan gets out of the car, says that he wants something to eat, and heads into the building. The thugs see this as their big break, and try and make a run for it. Julian chases after them.

1:14 am – Jack puts the battery back into the phone, and tries to call Chloe. The phone tries to make a connection, but can’t because the reception out here is bad. “You have to have a satellite phone”, says a man in a suit that walks out of the darkness. This surprises Jack so much that he pulls his gun and points it at the man. This surprises RoboEdgar so much that he stops eating. The man doesn’t seem the least bit surprised by seeing RoboEdgar, and ignores Jack’s gun.

1:16 am – The man in the suit introduces himself as “Fox”, and asks if they’re fellow “Aliens are going to take over the world by taking over people injected with black oil”-conspiracy buffs. Jack says they are not. Fox then asks if they’re people that “believe that government has been hiding cars that run on water just to bolster their grip on the nation”-conspiracy buffs.
Jack slowly says, “Nooooo….”, and starts to back away. Fox gets really excited and says, “Are you folks who believe in the world-wide plot to take over the world by squirrels, snakes, and other creatures…..No wait, they’re headquartered in Miami”. He thinks about it, and says, “You’re not the people that believe that by buying baloney we’re going to elect a congress full of Phyllis Diller impersonators are you?”
Jack assures them that they’re not, and Fox says, “Good, because THOSE guys are really nuts”.

1:19 am – All of Manilow’s followers have finally gotten off the bus, and they’re milling around asking each other if this is the “promised land foretold by the great Manilow”. After a couple of minutes of back and forth, they decide that it’s probably just the “kinda-promised land hinted at by the great Manilow”.

1:21 am – Julian has gotten all the thugs back by yelling out lines and scenes from “The Hills Have Eyes”. They’re all walking back to the car, and the thugs are all trying to convince Julian they were just playing around. The group stops when they see Marwan standing by the car, with two Evergreen car air-fresheners hanging from his ears.

1:23 am – Julian speaks slowly, and asks Marwan what he has on his ears. Marwan seems a little out of it, and says that he just wanted to freshen up a little. Julian tells everyone to get back into the car. They drive off. Marwan grabs one of the air fresheners and starts munching on it.

1:25 am – Fox asks Jack what they’re all doing out there. Jack tells him that they’re with CTU, and they’ve been trying to follow terrorists. Jack asks to borrow Fox’s phone, and he makes a phone call to Chloe. He tells her the situation, and she tells him that she’s got a lead that says they need to head to Las Vegas to a plumbing convention. Curtis comes over and says that the SUV won’t start. Fox tells Jack that he can drive them back into town, but that “the robot is going to have to fly”. Curtis starts to ask Fox why he’s not bothered by RoboEdgar, and thinks better of it.

1:27 am – Jack tells Fox that Curtis better drive, because he’s got excellent high-speed driving skills. Fox says, “Trust me, you’ll get there fast”.

Commercial

1:32 am – We see an abandoned factory near the outskirts of Las Vegas. We can tell that because there’s a sign in the parking lot that says, “Abandoned Factory Near the Outskirts of Las Vegas, Inc.”. Suddenly, we hear a loud roar. Wind blows papers in the parking lot everywhere. Out of the sky, we see Fox’s car floating down from above. The base of the car has a ring of lights that strobe on and off.

1:33 am – The car lands, and Fox calmly asks if that was fast enough for them. Jack and Curtis have looks of shear terror on their faces. Fox mumbles to himself that “this always happens”. They start driving in a more conventional manner towards the convention.

1:34 am – Elsewhere in Las Vegas, one of the men with a particularly bad toupee in Manilow’s group starts gushing to Manilow about how he had no idea that Manilow had such great singing capabilities. Manilow looks at him as if he had asked if he could mambo dogface in the banana patch. Realizing Manilow’s confusion, he points up at a sign, and then asks if he can be excused because he really does have to mambo dogface in the banana patch. The sign says, “Tonight Only: MANILOW!”

1:37 am – Fox drives towards town as Curtis and Jack slowly start coming out of their stupors. Fox asks Jack where they need to be heading, and Jack tells him a name of a hotel on the strip. Curtis asks where Fox got a car like this, and Fox tells him he has “some little friends that helped me install the extras”.

1:39 am – Julian finally pulls up to a gate in an area with a forest. The sign says, “Closed”. One of the thugs in the back seat says, “How can a forest be closed?”, and Marwan turns around and shoots him. The other thugs freak out, and jump out of the car. Julian calmly reminds Marwan that if he keeps shooting people, they’re going to run out of thugs again. Marwan mumbles, “Oh yeah…. Less brains…”, but Julian doesn’t hear it.

1:42 am – Ex-President Manilow has finally gotten his group of followers inside of the hotel. He goes to the check-in counter, and asks for his room key, since he was obviously been expected. The clerk appears really confused as he looks up “Manilow”. The clerk’s eyes widen while he reads the screen. He hands Manilow a room key card, apologizes for the inconvenience, and asks for an autograph, which Manilow happily gives.

1:44 am – Manilow opens up his arms wide as he turns to address his followers, but they’ve all run off into the hotel. A little old lady with a bucket of quarters is right near Manilow as he turns, and she kicks him right in the shins. Manilow heads off upstairs to his room.

1:46 am – Fox arrives at the hotel with Curtis and Jack. RoboEdgar hasn’t arrived yet. There are signs for both a plumbing convention and a hot dog convention in the building. Just as the car pulls up to the door, Fox’s phone goes off, playing the music from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. He answers the phone, listens, and then tells Jack and Curtis that he has to leave now. He has some “visitors” that he has to go meet right away. Jack and Curtis thank Fox, and he drives away. Jack and Curtis enter the building.

Commercial

1:52 am – Manilow makes it upstairs to his floor, and tries to slide the key card in the door, but it doesn’t work. He tries it again, and still doesn’t work. Then he slides it through there about 56 times in a row, and finally the door unlocks from the inside, and someone opens the door. It’s Barry Manilow!

1:53 am – Barry Manilow takes one look at the ex-president and punches him right in the face! Barry says, “You’ve nearly ruined my career!” and punches him again! The ex-president runs down the hallway and into the elevator.

1:54 am – Curtis and Jack flash their badges at the guard outside the booth area of the plumbing convention, and go in. They go to a company listing on the wall, and look up “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. They run over to where the booth is, and there’s no evidence that anything has been set up. Jack pulls out his phone, and calls Chloe.

1:55 am – Jack tells Chloe that Hokey Pokey never made it to Las Vegas, and wants to know what to do next. Chloe tells him that while they were en-route to Las Vegas, she was able to find out that the Marwans actually headed to the Grand Canyon. She tells Jack that she told RoboEdgar about this as soon as she found out, and he flew after them. She tells Jack she’s worried about RoboEdgar.

1:56 am – Jack and Curtis race out of the convention area into the lobby, just as the elevators open. Manilow is still holding his face from where he got bopped in the nose when he sees Jack and Curtis in the lobby. He freaks out and starts pressing “Door Close”. The elevator door closes. Jack and Curtis don’t notice him as they race outside.

1:58 am – Curtis asks Jack how in the heck they’re going to get to the Grand Canyon without a car. Jack points towards a large vehicle used for the hot dog convention and says, “We’re taking THAT!”

1:59 am – Curtis and Jack are driving with lightning speed down the Las Vegas strip and have commandeered the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, and they’re singing “Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener!”

2:00 am – Time’s up!