Tag: 24 parody

Last Time: Julian runs away from Jack and company after mistakenly trying to shoot them with a toy phaser; Jack heads back to the zoo, in search of Audrey, but can’t find her; Madan Haig at CTU tries to solve the Marwan Brother problem using PowerPoint slides; Jack, Curtis, and a CTU tactical squad are cornered by the worse enemy they’ve ever faced, Marwan, his brother Julian, and hundreds of AOL customer service reps.

The follow occurred between 10 pm and 11 pm, which is good for you, because we have free unlimited night time calling rates.

10:00 pm – Under the harsh lights of the abandon warehouse alleyway, Jack and Curtis face down Julian and his gang of hundreds of AOL customer service representatives. Julian says, “You see Mr. Bauer? I have assembled a vast army of vicious AOL customer service reps! …. Well, not so much assembled, because I didn’t take them from pieces and put them together from some ACME “Customer Service” kit, because that would have been cost prohibitive and there are way too many people here to have assembled in that time. When I say assembled, I mean that I brought them together from near and far, but not too far, because then they would have had to drive here and then wanted their parking validated since we don’t have any valet parking at this sort of ‘terrorist scrimmages’ as I like to call them.” Marwan punches his brother in the arm and tells him to get on with it.

10:02 pm – Curtis turns to Jack and says, “What is it with that guy and his rambling speeches?” Jack tells Curtis that he has a plan that just might save them, but in case it doesn’t they have to be ready to run like the dickens. Curtis asks what the heck a “dickens” is, and Jack ignores him as he turns to face Julian. Jack yells, “That’s a pretty good group you’ve assembled there. Where did you did you get that idea — on the Internet? I bet you had to use a lot of different Internet accounts to avoid being caught.”

10:04 pm – Julian replies, “It was simpler than you might think, Mr. Bauer! I received many offers for free AOL accounts through the mail, signed up for them all, and used the various accounts to retrieve my messages!” Curtis mumbles to Jack that he wonders why the bad guys always feel the need to reveal their plans and tactics when they think they’re winning. Julian continues, “That is how I was able to meet all of these people with machine guns trained on you right now. Now that the plan is complete, all I’ll have to do is cancel the accounts to completely cover my tracks!”

10:06 pm – With those words, all of the AOL service reps turn towards Julian and run to him, each of them explaining the importance of keeping a subscription with AOL.

10:07 pm – Jack yells to Curtis and the CTU tactical unit, “Get the heck out of here! As soon as those AOL reps finish with Julian, they’re coming after us!” Looks of horror on all of their faces, plus the fact that they’re all satisfied with their Internet service providers, they all run into one of the warehouse buildings, while the Marwan Brothers run in the opposite direction, being chased by the AOL reps.

Commercial

10:13 pm – Jack is on the Jackphone with Chloe, who is back at CTU. Curtis and the tactical units have deployed into the warehouse to find out what’s there. He wants maps of the layouts of the warehouses, schematic diagrams of the electrical systems, and tactical layouts of the entire area. Chloe asks him if he wants fries with that. Jack tells her that, yes, he does want fries with that, and a serving of “Why Are The Marwan Brothers At The Warehouses” on the side.

10:15 pm – Curtis and one of the CTU tactical officers, easily identifiable by his “CTU Tactical Officer” T-shirt, comes in and tells Jack that he is going to have to see something for himself.

10:16 pm – They enter an office. Curtis points to a wall that has a safe with an open door. Curtis says that he put is left hand in to search the safe, and then he pulled his left hand out. Then he put is left hand back in there, and he pulled it out again. This time, there was a piece of paper stuck to it, and so he had to shake it all about to get rid of it. Jack asks Curtis if that’s what it’s all about. Jack looks at the piece of paper. It’s a letter from the Hokey Pokey Toilet company.

10:18 pm – Jack reads the letter, and tells Curtis that it is a letter outlining the company’s plans to lobby Congress to pass a law for 0.8 gallon “low-low low-flow” toilets, and the make them the standard toilet for all new installations, effectively outlawing the 1.6 gallon toilets in standard use today. In the margin, there’s a note, written in pen, that says, “Consult with Marwans.”

10:19 pm – Jack asks why the Marwans would be involved with a toilet company, especially a toilet company that’s lobbying Congress. Curtis says that he’s not sure, but considering he HATES the 1.6 gallon toilet he has now, he’s going to REALLY hate these new 0.8 gallon toilets, and he’s not going to take this sitting down. The tactical officer asks if his tactical team should stay here, hidden, in order to flush out the person responsible for the letter. Curtis tells him that it’s probably too late, and Jack interrupts to say that if he’s about to do another bad pun, he’ll have arrest someone and throw them in the tank.

10:22 pm – Jack calls Chloe with the new information, and tells her to find out where the Hokey Pokey toilet company is located. Chloe tells him that if he would just learn to use all of the features of the Jackphone that she built for him, he’d be able to look this up for himself. She looks it up, and is about to tell him when he interrupts and says, “Let me guess – Flushing, New York.” She agrees that was a good guess, but they’re actually located in Why, Arizona. Jack says, “What?”. Chloe corrects him and says, “Why”. Curtis says, “I thought he played third base?”

10:24 pm – The CTU tactical unit check to make sure that that coast is clear to make sure it’s O.K. to leave the warehouse, while Jack and Curtis walk right out of the warehouse and leave to go back to CTU.

Commercial

10:29 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at CTU, and Chloe is waiting for them at the door. She tells them that Madam Haig is really upset because Jack keeps leaving CTU out of the loop while he’s out running around. Jack asks Chloe if Haig realizes what he’s actually doing out there is dangerous, and that he doesn’t always have time to call in while he’s being shot at. Chloe said that isn’t the reason that Haig is upset. It was Jack’s turn to bring the donuts to work this morning, and he forgot.

10:31 pm – The Marwan Brothers are driving down the street, and Marwan is ranting at Julian. Marwan is very upset that they haven’t been able to kill Jack Bauer, that they’re running out of money, and that nearly all of the thugs, villains, sidekicks, goons, and hooligans they’ve been using have either fled, been arrested or been shot. The phone rings, and Julian answers.

10:32 pm – The Hollywood Terrorist mastermind is on the phone, and wants to know what happened with the plan to attack Jack Bauer at the warehouse. Julian says, “We had Bauer cornered like a hospital bed’s sheets; I mean that you could have bounced a quarter off of it! The bed sheets, not Bauer. He proved to be a much more difficult person to actually shoot in so much as there wasn’t very much shooting as there was more running away and screaming. The down side of that was that we were the ones running away and screaming and Jack was doing more of the escaping thing. I think next time he should be a lot less ‘escapey’ and a lot more ‘capturey’ or even ‘deady’. The best thing that….”.

10:34 pm – Hollywood interrupts, and wants to know whether how much money they have left. Marwan points out that they’re actually pretty low on cash, and have resorted to checking under seat cushions and handing in bottles to obtain the deposits back. Hollywood suggests that they find some money right away, because hiring more lackeys is going to cost money, and if they want to get Jack Bauer, they need to do it soon, because they need to get to Flagstaff right away.

10:36 pm – Just as Hollywood hangs up, Julian points to a mall where an armored car being loaded up with bags. His brother agrees that’s a great idea, and Julian slams his hands into the steering wheel, saying it’ll never work, because the mall is closed, and that means that the Orange Julius is probably closed too. Marwan smacks Julian on the back of the head, and points to the armored car. Julian finally gets the idea, but looks disappointed when he realizes he won’t be getting a frozen drink tonight.

10:38 pm – The two security guards outside of the mall are continuing to load up the armored car. One of the guards says, “Have you ever noticed that when someone says ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here’, that it’s that exact time when something exciting happens?” Just as he finishes this sentence, Marwan and Julian, masks pulled over their heads, point guns at both of the security guards. The guard says, “SEE?! I told you that always happens!”

Commercial

10:43 pm – Jack is with Chloe, going over the information they have about everything that’s happened today to see what the Hokey Pokey Toilet company has to do with what’s happening, and more importantly, whether they can make any predictions about what’s going to happen next. Chloe says, “Oh, sure – What am I, a mind reader?” Jack says, if this toilet proposal actually makes it through congress, there are going to be a lot of really mad people.

10:45 pm – The guards have taken all the bags they’ve been loading onto their armored car, and have nearly finished loading everything into the back of the Marwan’s SUV. Julian says, “Well, I bet that’s the last time you say, ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here’ isn’t it?” Just as he finishes saying this, a group of people wearing dark sunglasses and really bad toupees come out from behind the bushes and point their guns at the guards and the Marwans. The apparent leader of this new group points his gun in front of him, and orders the guards and the Marwan Brothers to put everything in the back of the group’s station wagon, which is just driving up. Someone says, “Psst! His glasses!” One of the other members with a particularly awful toupee spins the leader to face the Marwans and the guards, and the leader repeats his demand. The person driving the station wagon drives it right into the armored car, and the driver starts yelling, asking who’s stupid idea it is to put on dark glasses in the first place.

10:47 pm – Back at CTU headquarters, Curtis notices a blinking dot on her computer monitor, and asks Chloe what it is. Chloe patiently begins to explain that the blinking dot on the computer screen is called a “cursor”, and Curtis interrupts, saying he was talking about the blinking dot on the map.

10:49 pm – Chloe realizes that the blinking dot on the map is a report of a robbery taking place at the mall. She types a few commands into her computer, and tells Jack there is a 95.5815162342 percent chance, based on the traffic patterns in the area, the wind direction and the barometric pressure that the Marwans are at that scene. Jack says, “Wow! Really?” Chloe laughs, and says, “No, we just identified it by their license plates”. She points at the screen, which is zoomed in on a license plate that reads “I H8 JACK”. Jack and Curtis leave.

10:53 pm – The badly toupee’d group at the mall is still pointing their guns at the Marwans and the guards, while the leader of the group is over by the station wagon yelling at the driver. The driver of the car says, “I didn’t mean to do it! It’s these stupid glasses, President Manilow”. Manilow pulls off his dark glasses, and says, “Great! Just great! How in the heck are we going to escape now? You know we’re short on funds and this is the only reason we had to do this!” There are squealing tires, and as the group turns to look, the Marwan Brothers are in their SUV, speeding off towards the exit of the mall.

10:55 pm – The Marwan Brothers’ car goes barreling out of the parking lot of the mall, right in front of the SUV that Curtis and Jack are in. Jack points at the license plate, and says, “It’s them! Follow them!” Curtis says that he’ll get right on that.

10:57 pm – The Marwan SUV finds and exit to the freeway, and drives onto it. The CTU SUV follows. The freeway is completely clear. Curtis tells Jack it’s because this is one of the freeways in Los Angeles that no one ever uses.

10:59 pm – Jack tries shooting the Marwan’s SUV, but keeps missing. Marwan leans out of the passenger side of their SUV, and throws something towards the CTU SUV. Jack takes aim and shoots Marwan in the arm! The object that Marwan threw lands right in the middle of the hood, right by the windshield. It’s a stick of dynamite!

11:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Julian, who looks remarkably like the doctor on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, has joined forces with his brother Habib Marwan. With the help of Chloe, Jack was able to disarm the bomb on Audrey, and free her from the cage filled with snakes and monkeys, much to the relief of the monkeys and snakes. Chloe, Curtis and Jack arrive on a college campus, where the students are recruiting for their campus club activities. Curtis found out he’s a bit of a perimeter making celebrity, Jack discovered that Manilow’s new job as a TV evangelist has gotten him some followers. Oh, and Julian has a weapon pointed at Jack right now!

The follow occurred between 9pm and 10 pm, but we didn’t get it to you in less than thirty minutes, so this one is free.

9:00 pm – Julian points the weapon at Jack, says “Mr. Bauer, you’re about to die. Die! A horrible death! It’s REALLY going to hurt! Not your run-of-the-mill hurt either. No. It’s gonna be like if you had a whole bunch of paper cuts, and they got some salt in them, and they itched, and got infected, and then you couldn’t find a Band-Aid, so you try to use Bactine, but it really stung, and then you slipped on some gravel, the really sharp kind that hurts when you walk on it with bare feet, and the gravel has had hot sauce recently sprinkled all over it, and it got into the paper cuts after you fell! That kind of hurt!”

9:02 pm – A student walks past Jack, stops dead, and drops his backpack. He says, “Oh, no, not you!” Then he sees Julian, and says, “Uncle Julian??” It’s Bahrooz! Jack sees Bahrooz and whispers, “Bahrooz, listen carefully. You have to go to Julian and whack him over the head.” Bahrooz looks at Jack like he’s crazy. Bahrooz completely refuses, saying he’s isn’t carrying his terrorist killing shovel. In fact, he’s not carrying even so much as a gardening trowel. Julian starts to protest, saying he can hear everything they’re saying, and that he’s going to shoot them both unless they shut up.

9:04 pm – Jack squints at the weapon, and takes a step forward. Julian says, “One more step, and I’ll shoot this phaser at you!” Jack says, “Where did you get that weapon?” and takes another step forward. Julian says, “Oh, the heck with the hurting part. I’m just going to kill you!” He tries to fire the weapon, but nothing happens. Bahrooz grabs his bag and runs away. Juliean quickly looks over at the table where he got the phaser. The people at the table, recruiting for the Star Trek club, all wave at Julian. Julian looks and sees that there are other phasers on their table, all marked “Toy Phaser”. He takes his phaser, throws it at Jack, and says “Until we meet again, Jack Bauer!”. Julian runs away, and the guys from the Star Trek table all run up to Jack to ask for his autograph, blocking Jack from following Julian.

9:06 pm – Chloe and Curtis run up to Jack and ask what all the commotion is about. Jack signs a few pieces of paper, autograph books, and a couple of Spock ears as he tells Curtis and Chloe about the Manilow followers, Bahrooz and Julian. He points in the general direction of where the Manilow followers were, and then sees they’re all gone.

9:08 pm – Jack tells Audrey to call CTU and see what they have on “Julian Marwan”, and what the story is with the television studio they were at earlier in the evening. Audrey doesn’t answer, which is fortunate, because if she did, she’d have some sort of magical powers, since she wasn’t with them in the first place. Jack looks at Chloe and Curtis, and asks where Audrey has gone to. Curtis says that they must have left her back at the zoo, because she didn’t come with them to the college. Jack says they have to head back for Audrey, in spite of complaints from Chloe and Curtis.

Commercial

9:13 pm – Hollywood is on the phone with Marwan. Marwan tells him that he has some good news and some bad news. Hollywood says if the “good news” has anything to do with car insurance, he’s going to shoot Marwan himself. Marwan says that in that case he just has bad news: Jack Bauer escaped Julian. Hollywood asks what he means by “Bauer escaped Julian”. Marwan says that it’s not so much “escaped” as fled…with Julian doing the “fledding”. Hollywood asks if that’s even a word. Marwan ignores that, and tells Hollywood that they have to meet in order to come up with a new plan.

9:15 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis arrive at the zoo just as the last of the police cars pulls away. One of the zoo guards is about to lock the gates when the group runs up to him and describes Audrey, and asks whether she’s still in the zoo somewhere. The guard says all the monkey cages are locked and the exhibit is closed. They explain that Audrey is actually a woman, not a monkey, but it still takes a little bit to convince the guard that they’re not lying.

9:17 pm – All of them, including the guard, look in the zoo. They look everywhere. The guard calls everyone over when he finds Audrey, but it turns out it was just an ostrich.

9:19 pm – Marwan arrives at Hollywood’s secret hideout while talking on the cell phone to Julian, and they’re arguing. Marwan tells Julian that he doesn’t care what it costs, he’s not going to do it. He tells Julian to get over to Hollywood’s hideout right away, and hangs up. Hollywood looks at Marwan and tells him that he better do whatever he can to get Jack Bauer, or else. Marwan looks confused for a minute, and then realizes Hollywood’s mistake. Julian wanted him to sign up for the family plan on his cell phone.

9:22 pm – After extensive searching for nearly four solid minutes, everyone decides that Audrey can’t be found anywhere in the zoo. Curtis did find several shell-shocked monkeys, but Chloe attributes that to them being in the same cage as Audrey earlier that night.

9:23 pm – Jack gets on the Jackphone and calls CTU, telling them they need as much information on Julian Marwan as possible. He tells Madam Haig that they’re all coming back to CTU, and to please have a change of clothes ready, because after everything that happened yesterday, and everything that’s already happened today, they really need to change clothes, especially if they expect to sneak up on someone without giving them a warning whiff first.

9:25 pm – As they drive along the expressway, Jack looks up and sees a blimp above the city with a lit sign that says, “Happy Anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Steve, September 6th, Twenty Wonderful Years”. Jack wonders how they could get that big of a message on one blimp.

Commercial

9:31 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack arrive at CTU, grab the clothes laid out for them and go to change. A minute or so later, they all come back out, take one look at each other, go back in the dressing to exchange clothes, since they’re all wearing each other’s clothes.

9:33 pm – Marwan plots with Hollywood while they wait for Julian to arrive. Marwan says his supply of thugs and lackeys is running low, but Janosz is there watching them, so he doesn’t expect anything to happen. Realizing what he just said, he calls Janosz just to be sure.

9:34 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis have finally changed into the right clothes, and go to meet with Madam Haig while men in toxic hazard suits go to the dressing rooms to remove their old clothing.

9:35 pm – Madam Haig is in the conference room, and the room is full of analysts. Up on the screen is a PowerPoint presentation on the screen showing a fifty-six step plan to get Marwan and Julian. Haig is in the middle explaining the possible tactical advantages of using paisley instead of camouflage for CTU combat clothing.

9:37 pm – Julian arrives at Hollywood’s hideout. Hollywood asks if he was followed, and Julian says there was a Star Trek: Voyager series, but as far as he knew that had nothing to do with his previous work.

9:39 pm – Back at CTU, Curtis whispers to Chloe that maybe a “PowerPoint Poisoning” attack like this on Marwan would work. Chloe agrees. Jack looks really impatient, and finally can’t stand it anymore. He stands up and tells Haig that unless they act right away, Marwan and Julian are going to do something really bad. Jack continues, “And speaking of ‘bad’, what the heck was that television studio doing?”

9:41 pm – Haig tells the room that in an effort to make CTU “more accessible”, the Homeland Security Department licensed the rights to things that happen in CTU to a TV program, where they can be shown to the general public. Jack asks her what about the word “Undercover” is it that she doesn’t understand.

9:42 pm – One of the CTU agents, Howard, who has been working downstairs runs into the room. Then he gets up, opens the door, runs through the door, and announces they’ve found out where Marwan and Julian are right now! Jack asks where they are, and after getting detailed instructions, Jack asks Chloe to stay behind at CTU because he’s going to need some high powered computer work here. Curtis and Jack leave. Chloe plugs in her taser to recharge.

9:44 pm – Madam Haig calls Chloe into her office for a full report. Chloe goes upstairs, and instinctively tries to grab her taser, but realizes she left it downstairs.

Commercial

9:50 pm – Curtis and Jack arrive at a set of abandoned warehouses along a long street. Jack calls Chloe on the JackPhone, but Howard answers. Jack asks him where Chloe is. Howard says that she’s been ordered to Haig’s office, and that he’s supposed to help Jack.

9:51 pm – Jack doesn’t like this, but he presses forward anyway. He asks Howard which warehouse Marwan is supposed to be in. Howard tells him that he’s at the warehouse just outside of where Jack is standing. Jack orders Howard to get CTU tactical agents to their location right away.

9:53 pm – Ten CTU tactical agents arrive, all dressed in paisley. Jack looks surprised. Jack tells Howard what a good job he’s done. Curtis hands Jack a megaphone, and Jack calls to Marwan, “Marwan! Give yourself up!”

9:55 pm – There’s no sound from the warehouse. There’s quiet a commotion at the other end of the street though, while someone tries to get a stuck warehouse door open. The group turns to see Marwan, Hollywood and Julian walking out of the warehouse. They’re about to get into a car when they notice the CTU group at the other end of the street.

9:57 pm – Jack reminds himself to ask Chloe to train Howard on the basic art of map reading. Jack calls to Marwan, “Marwan! Give yourself up!”.

9:58 pm – Marwan is just about to speak when Julian steps forward, and says something. Jack says, “What did you say?” into the megaphone. Julian yells, “Can you hear me now?” and a LOT of people come out from building doors, pillars, and poles. Julian holds up his cell phone and tells Jack that this HIS network.

9:59 pm – Jack tells his group that everything’s going to be OK, because it looks like they’re a bunch of cell phone company employees. Curtis says, “Uh….Jack? I don’t think so!” and points. Jack looks and all the people pull out machine guns. Jack says, “This is worse than I thought! The Marwan Brothers are using the people who do customer service at AOL! They won’t go without a fight!”

10 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Madam Haig has temporarily replaced Bill as the head of CTU, while Bill recovers from singing bad karaoke. Ex-President Manilow has a new career as a TV evangelist. Curtis, Chloe and Jack went to a television studio lot and found an actor that looked almost exactly like Jack. After RoboEdgar played tennis with one of the bad guys using the giant leg of Godzilla, the group rushed to the zoo where Audrey was being held hostage. Snakes and monkeys in the cage also appear to be held hostage by Audrey.

The following occurred between 8 pm and 9 pm, but some of the speeches have been running long, so this might stretch out well beyond midnight if we’re not careful. We’ll try and keep it to the allotted time.

8:00 pm – Jack tells Audrey not to worry, because he’ll get rid of the snakes and monkeys, and everything will be OK. Then he tells the snakes and monkeys not to worry, because he’ll get rid of the Audrey, and everything will be OK.

8:01 pm – Curtis stares at Audrey and tells Jack that she’s the bomb. Jack tells Curtis that Audrey would really appreciate the complement. Curtis says that he meant that Audrey IS a bomb, and points to a device with a clock that is counting down. Jack takes about two steps towards the cage, and someone starts shooting at him! They all dive behind a barrier.

8:03 pm – Jack says they need some kind of diversion. Chloe suggests that she might be able to hook into the zoo’s security system, and release some of the animals. She presses a single button on her watch. Jack asks how long it’s going to take for her to break into the security system to create this diversion. Chloe says she already did it, and points towards the cage.

8:04 pm – The front door to the monkey cage swings open. Very hesitantly, the monkeys inch towards the door, while at the same time trying to maintain has much distance from Audrey as possible.

8:06 pm – Nearly all the monkeys are out of the cage now, and are generally creating havoc everywhere. Jack tries to make a move towards the cage, but more shots are fired as he does so. Jack tells Curtis to move around in the opposite direction to try and find who’s been shooting. Curtis leaves.

Commercial

8:11 pm – Time is running out. Jack wonders out loud if there’s any way of disabling the bomb that’s on Audrey. Chloe says there’s probably a way to do it, but it’s going to be pretty risky, and it could make the bomb explode, taking Audrey with it. Jack tells her that it sounds way too risky, since it could explode. While he’s saying this, Chloe hits a few more buttons on her watch, and then looks really disappointed. Jack asks what’s wrong, and Chloe tells him that she think she must have disabled the bomb.

8:14 pm – Curtis has made his way to the roof of one of the other cages, and is sneaking up behind the guy who’s been shooting at Jack. As Curtis gets within a few feet of the guy, he notices Curtis and starts to turn. Curtis charges him, and they both go over the edge of the roof! Jack sees this, but has to run to Audrey to try and get the bomb off of her. Chloe suggests that he can wait a few minutes since the bomb is disabled, and should go help Curtis, but Jack doesn’t hear her.

8:15 pm – There’s a huge splash as Curtis and the thug fall into the water that was below them. It’s freezing cold. We can tell that because of the “Freezing Cold Water” sign that’s conveniently near the edge of the water.. Below the water, Curtis and the thug struggle as the thug attempts to point his gun at Curtis to shoot him! As they struggle, a large dark shape swims by in the background. Just as the thug turns the gun right to Curtis, the dark shape looms up behind the thug, grabs him and pulls him away! Curtis surfaces, takes a deep breath, and scrambles to shore.

8:16 pm – Jack struggles to get Audrey freed, trying to keep his mind of the snakes. He starts to sing the first thing that comes into his head, which unfortunately, is one of the Barry Manilow songs that he heard at CTU. The snakes start to go into a frenzy, so Jack stops immediately. He finally gets the bomb off of Audrey, they run. They get about 50 feet away from the cage and whole thing blows up. Jack looks up, and Chloe mouths the word “Sorry!”

Commercial

8:21 pm – Fire engines and police are everywhere around the zoo, and several are even trying to help clean up things. Several animal psychologists are with the monkeys, debriefing them about their ordeal. A reporter tries to talk to the zoo director, but is told that the zoo isn’t releasing any information until the snake’s next of kin can be notified, and that it could take a while. Everyone’s ignoring Chloe, Jack and Audrey.

8:23 pm – Hollywood slams down a phone he was just talking on, and he’s furious! People can’t tell if he’s a Hollywood Writer Terrorist Mastermind, a Hollywood Agent Terrorist Mastermind, or just a guy that looks like that. He’s also pretty mad that Jack seems to have escaped harm again. Hollywood calls Marwan. He says that Marwan and Julian better have a good plan, because they’re running out of ways to try and get Jack Bauer.

8:25 pm – Curtis stumbles towards Jack, Chloe and Audrey. He’s completely soaking wet. He tells Jack that there’s something dangerous back there, and points towards the water. They turn to look, and an enormous animal bursts through the surface of the water. Jack yells that it’s a walrus. Chloe takes a step closer, and says that it’s RoboEdgar!

8:28 pm – Chloe runs to RoboEdgar, and asks what he’s doing here. RoboEdgar points to a nearby walrus and says, “Mom!” Chloe patiently tries to explain RoboEdgar’s mistake, and suggests that he fly back to CTU so he can help out there. RoboEdgar looks a bit sad about this, but flies off, headed towards CTU. Chloe looks over in another animal area, and swears she sees a warthog and a meercat singing “Hakuna Matata”.

Commercial

8:34 pm – Madam Haig calls Jack, and tells him that the local college campus’s quad area has got some sort of disturbance going on, and that he better get down there right away. She says there have been reports of some group down there causing trouble. Madam Haig suggests they all wear togas to fit in with the college kids, and Jack asks her how long it’s been since she’s actually been on a college campus.
8:36 pm – He also asks why they should be headed down there instead of campus security handling it. They both pause a moment, and then laugh at their little joke.
8:37 pm – Jack finally says, “No, seriously… Why do I have to head over there? Isn’t there someone that can handle it?” Haig replies that they’re getting reports of some of the students hacking into the computers at the Emmy awards because somehow Barry Manilow received an Emmy award. There’s also really odd student behavior, and that Jack’s team is the closest to the disturbance.

8:39 pm – Curtis, again breaking all land and air speed records and possibly a few of the lesser known and more amusing laws of physics, gets the group safe and sound to the college campus. He’s unable to find a free parking space, so he parks in one of the rental lots.

8:41 pm – Just as they park, a woman in a ball gown runs up to Jack, hands him to Emmy awards, congratulates him for his performance, and for the show, and then runs away. Curtis and Chloe look at Jack. Jack shrugs and puts the Emmy awards in the car. They head for the quad.

Commercial

8:47 pm – There are a large number of students milling around at various student activity sign up booths. Curtis goes up to a booth marked “Perimeter Makers”, and starts looking at some of the literature. The guy sitting at the booth is about to ask Curtis if he can answer any questions, and his eyes open wide. He stares at Curtis while tapping
the shoulder of the woman sitting next to him. Her reaction is the same. She stammers, “Are you… Are you…. Curtis Manning?” Curtis looks a little surprised, but says “Yes”. She grabs a pad of paper and a pen, and asks for his autograph. As he’s signing, she tells him that she’s always admired the perimeters he’s done, and that they’re studying them in Advanced Perimeter class. Curtis signs several more autographs for the students that line up.

8:52 pm – Chloe walks a booth that says, “Fantasy Sports League”. The guy sitting at the booth smirks when he sees her, and asks what she wants. Chloe says she wants to hear about what he’s promoting. He tells Chloe that “a woman wouldn’t understand” what they’re trying to do here. Chloe says, “Fantasy Accounting. You’re playing Fantasy
Accounting! Sure, it looks like you’re talking about sports, but all you’re doing is keeping track of numbers and statistics! You’re in the Accounting Club!” The guy looks stunned as Chloe walks away.

8:55 pm – Jack walks along looking at the student booths. There’s no sign of any serious disruption. There is, however, a sign of completely not so serious disruption, at least from the looks of it. There are a large number of students, both young men and young women dressed up in the same type of business suit, and all wearing really bad toupees. Jack makes his way towards these people.

8:57 pm – Jack walks up to one of the women and asks what their organization is called. The woman answers, “The Manis. We used to be Moonies until we found out about President Manilow”. When she says the word “President Manilow”, the entire group says, “The Great President Manilow!” Jack thanks her, walks a few steps away, and calls Madam Haig, telling her that the situation is even worse than she described.

8:59 pm – Just as he hangs up, Jack hears someone say, “Turn around, Mr. Bauer”. Jack turns, and sees Julian standing there, holding some kind of weapon. Julian says, “I am Habib Marwan’s brother, Julian Marwan! I am here to avenge my brother’s death!” Jack points out that Marwan is still alive, and Julian tells him to shut up, just as
he raises his weapon.

9:00 pm – Time’s up!

Someone on Dave Barry’s blog suggested that I take all “The Next Day” episodes, and get a web page put together so all the episodes can be read.

You can read about the 24 The Next Day episodes here.

Last Time: Julian, Marwan’s brother, has joined Marwan, in what is sure to be some yet unidentified bad guy stuff. Badabing KaChing has been exposed as a wanted man, was captured and then somehow escapes enroute to CTU. A savage outbreak of Barry Manilow karaoke has been released on CTU, much to the dismay of everyone, most especially Marwan, who wanted something even worse…. probably something like Yanni. Jack, Curtis and Chloe are horrified to find out that Ex-President Manilow has become a TV evangelist.

The following occurred between 7pm and 8pm, with ranch dressing, on the side.

7:00 pm – As they’re watching the billboard showing Ex-President Manilow’s new career as TV evangelist, Jack turns to Curtis and asks him to bring up channel 43. Curtis pulls the car over to the side of the road, and plays with some dials on the console of the car. He can’t bring anything up, so Jack tries, too. Nothing. Chloe sighs, presses a couple of buttons on her wristwatch, and a 3D holographic projection of channel 43 shows up in mid-air in front of them.

7:02 pm – Manilow, wearing a remarkably bad toupee, is standing in front of a bank of people waiting by telephones. Manilow is pleading with viewers to send in any money they can. A few phones ring in the background. He tells viewers that the money is going to go for a very good cause. A few more phones start ringing. He tells viewers that with just a few donations, he could become president again. All the phones that had been ringing suddenly stop. From the reaction of the people on the telephones in the background, everyone they were talking to must have hung up. Manilow’s left eye twitches a bit, as he tries to smile.

7:04 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack agree that probably is one of the worst things they’ve seen on television, and that includes “The Simple Life”. A lady taps on the glass of Jack’s car window. Jack rolls down the window, and the lady asks Jack for his autograph. Jack signs it, and asks the lady why she would want his autograph. The lady looks a little taken aback by this, and says that she enjoys his show. She looks around, and asks if they’re filming right now. Jack looks back at Chloe and Curtis. They both shrug. Jack turns to the lady and asks whether she’s been trying to find him for a while or not. The lady replies that she’s waited outside of the film studio for a few days, but never saw him, so she’s thrilled. Jack asks which studio, and she replies on one on Pico Blvd. Jack thanks her, and Jack tells Curtis to drive there.

7:07 pm – Marwan is furious that the gas attack attempt at CTU failed to kill anyone, and that he himself shot about seven of his own henchmen and thugs in the process. Julian tells Marwan that he shot those guys in the chest, not the process, and Marwan tells him to shut up. The phone rings. Marwan answers it, and talks on a speaker phone. It’s the Hollywood Looking Terrorist Mastermind (HLTM). He tells Marwan that Jack is now headed for a television studio, and now would be a perfect opportunity to get rid of Jack once and for all. Julian says he’s going to set his phaser on kill.

7:09 pm – HLTM calls the KFC on the QT to order BBQ to be delivered ASAP and not via UPS or DHL or worse via USPS. KFC says it’ll be there PDQ if that would be AOK.

Commercial

7:14 pm – Jack says that everything that’s been happening today has to be tied together somehow, but can’t figure out how. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Madam Haig! She tells Jack that she’s been brought back into CTU because Bill has been incapacitated, but that Bill should be OK in a few hours. Jack starts to ask her a question, and she interrupts, saying that he hasn’t filled out any TPS reports on what happened yesterday, and she needs them right away. Jack makes some buzzing noises into the phone, tells her the line has a lot of static on it, and hangs up on her.

7:16 pm – Curtis, Jack and Chloe drive up to a Hollywood Studio. As they drive up to the guard gate, the guard takes one look at them and waves them through. Jack tells Curtis to park the car.

7:17 pm – We hear gunshots! Jack sprints towards where the gunshots came from, Curtis and Chloe running behind him. He turns the corner, and sees a man facing away from him yelling, “I’m from CTU! Put down your weapons and come out with your hands up!” A voice over a loudspeaker yells, “And, CUT!” Curtis and Chloe catch up with Jack. The man turns around. He looks just like Jack!

7:20 pm – Chloe says, “OK, things are getting a little ‘Twilight Zone-y’ here”. The man sees Jack, Curtis and Chloe standing there, and starts to walk over to them. There’s a huge explosion across the lot where the man was standing just moments before. The man is thrown to the ground.

7:23 pm – Jack’s phone rings. It’s Madam Haig again. She tells Jack not to hang up. She says that she had nothing to do with what he’s seeing right now. Jack says that’s great, because neither did he. Jack asks her what the heck is going on. There’s total chaos everywhere. Curtis points up at the roof at a man pulling a grenade launcher off his shoulder. Jack goes running towards that building. Haig explains that they’ve sold the rights to what’s been happening to Jack and CTU to a television production company. Jack says that he doesn’t have time for this, and hangs up again. He runs up several flights of stairs.

7:25 pm – Jack reaches the roof of the building, bursts through, and stops short. The man that fired the grenade launcher is pointing the gun at Jack! He tells Jack, “Marwan will be happy to see that you’re dead, Mr. Bauer”. Jack points up at the sky and says, “Look out! A robot!” The man says, “Nice try, Mr…” and WHAM! He gets hit with what looks like a HUGE chicken leg. The man goes hurdling across the sky, landing with a crash several blocks away. RoboEdgar hit the guy with one of Godzilla’s barbequed legs! RoboEdgar moves towards Jack, and says “Glowie toed Edgar two hep Jag.” Chloe and Curtis burst through to the roof, as Jack pats RoboEdgar on the shoulder and says, “Good job, Edgar. Good job.”

7:27 pm – Jack is talking with some of the authorities that have arrived on the scene after the explosion. Jack phone rings. Jack puts it on speakerphone mode, and yells into the phone that he doesn’t have time for this. Marwan’s voice over the phone, says, “Oh, I think you’ll have time for this, Mr. Bauer. You see, I have Ms. Raines in a situation that I think you’ll be interested in. You’ll find her at 5333 Zoo Drive.”

7:29 pm – Jack turns pale. Chloe just says, “Oh, oh. This isn’t good.” She sees Curtis’ perplexed look, and tells him that the one place that Jack doesn’t like to go is the zoo.

Commercial

7:34 pm – Curtis is driving Jack and Chloe to the Los Angeles Zoo. RoboEdgar follows along behind. Well, above and behind. He’s flying over the car. Everyone in the car is oblivious to the number of car accidents that this is causing because of people seeing a large flying robot. Jack is looking straight ahead and mumbling to himself.

7:37 pm – Curtis asks what’s wrong with the zoo. Upon hearing the word “Zoo”, Jack twitches and continues to talk to himself. Chloe tells Curtis not to use that word again, and explains that early in his career at CTU, Jack was attacked at a Zoo, and it brings up a lot of bad memories for him. Curtis looks like he doesn’t believe Chloe, and suggests that they take Jack to see the elephants, zebras and snakes. Jack doesn’t seem to be convinced.

7:40 pm – Chloe goes on to explain that the attack wasn’t from an enemy; it was when he had taken his daughter Kim to the zoo. Jack got a little to close to the snake pit, and he fell in. They had been able to get Jack back out again, but he never wanted to go to the zoo again.

7:43 pm – Chloe tells Jack that everything is going to be OK. It’s time that he faces the one fear that he has in his life. Jack asks if she means seeing Manilow as president again. Chloe tells him the OTHER fear in his life. Jack says, “Oh, you mean hearing Audrey sing?” Chloe shudders, and says, “OK, never mind. Listen to me Jack. This is about snakes”. Jack seems a lot calmer now, but still hesitant.

Commercial

7:48 pm – They arrive at the Los Angeles Zoo, just as it is closing. Jack flashes his CTU badge, and they enter the zoo. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Marwan. He says, “Very good, Mr. Bauer. Now, we have a bomb placed somewhere in the zoo. Let’s see if you can find it.”

7:52 pm – Jack, Chloe, and Curtis head towards the reptile building. RoboEdgar has wandered off some place. Jack seems to be getting more and more nervous. Suddenly, he stops. Jack says, “Look, you two might think this is an irrational fear. I’m telling you right now, there are reports on news every single day of snakes being everywhere they shouldn’t be. I read about this stuff on the Internet all the time – There are websites that post news like this all the time! I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.”

7:53 pm – Chloe rolls her eyes, and mumbles, “I can’t believe I’m going to say this”. She says, “Jack, you have to do this. You have to do this to save….AAARGH. Curtis, I can’t say it. YOU say it.” Curtis shakes his head, and says, “Jack? You have to do this for Audrey, Jack.” Now it’s Curtis’ turn to shudder.

7:54 pm – They enter the reptile building. Jack says that they better leave, because it sounds like a gas leak in there. Chloe punches him in the arm, and tells him that hissing noise is coming from all the snakes. They make their way around the exhibits, but don’t see anyone. In fact, there’s a lot of hissing, but they only see one snake. The extra hissing noise seems to be coming from speaker. They notice a sign-out sheet, which is apparently used by the zoo to keep track of who has rented snakes for the night.

7:57 pm – There’s a strange noise coming from outside that’s getting louder and louder. Jack recognizes the noise and tells Curtis and Chloe they have to get out of the building as fast as they can. They run through the doors, and they see two planes headed right for the snake house. They run as fast as they can, and the plane crashes into the building, causing a huge explosion. Curtis looks back on the building and says, “Huh…. I guess that’s “Planes on a Snake.” Chloe threatens to taser him.

7:59pm – There’s a huge amount of screaming happening nearby. They all start running for the noise, and run straight for the monkey cages. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Marwan, and he says “Ah, I see you’ve found her. I wish you luck, Mr. Bauer, that bomb is set to go off any time now”. Jack looks around, and realizes that all the monkeys are on either side of the cage trying to get away from whatever is in the middle. The monkey look completely freaked out to be anywhere near the object in the middle of the cage. As he steps closer, Jack realizes…. It’s Audrey, and she’s surrounded by the rest of the snakes from the reptile house! It’s not apparent if the monkeys are more freaked out about the snakes or Audrey.

8:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Jack enlists the aid of Ching KaChing’s brother, Badabing, a fireworks specialist. After a long battle, Jack and RoboEdgar are able to blow up Godzilla, and street vendors start selling giant lizard sandwiches. In the midst of a street riot of protesters protesting against violence, Jack is unable to reach CTU by phone.

The following occurred between 6 pm and 7 pm, unless it didn’t, in which case you’re really reading about a secret lost episode of “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” that was never aired because it might have frightened the children more than the regular show did. We’ll have to check with the typewriter monkeys that wrote this.

6:00 pm – Police cars start to arrive to try and break up the protester riot. Immediately, several protesters switch to anti-police brutality signs, which they continue to use to beat each other over the head.

6:01 pm – Janosz sits in a car on a hill, watching as the police arrive. He gets out of the car, pulls out a shiny metal disk from the trunk. He adjusts some controls on the side of the disk, switching it from the “Okey Dokey” setting to “Evil”. Janosz steps back and pulls a small device from his pocket. He speaks into the device and says “Beam him down!” A man that looks remarkably like Julian Bashir from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” materializes. You can tell that he’s evil because he’s wearing a typical evil bad guy beard. He’s also wearing a “Ask Me How I Can Do Evil For You Today” t-shirt.

6:02 pm – Janosz says, “Either I made a serious mistake, and you’re from AOL, or you’re…” “Julian” looks at Janosz, and says “Take me to my brother, Marwan!” Janosz looks confused, and says “Oh! You mean Vigo!” and drives away.

6:03 pm – Jack tosses the phone to Chloe and asks her if there’s something wrong with it. Chloe slowly starts to explain how to dial a phone, and Jack grabs it back from her, and tells her that the situation is really serious. Jack tries dialing CTU again.

6:04 pm – A sedan pulls up to the scene. A young blonde woman and a man in a beige suit gets out of the car. The man holds his hands out in front of him, palms out, and looks through his hands, surveying the protesters. He walks near Jack, Chloe and Curtis. Ching and Badabing are still close by, and they hear him mumble that the protesters are filthy.

6:06 pm – Jack introduces himself to the man and woman, and the man immediately asks the woman for a wipe after shaking Jack’s hand. The man asks, “Jack Bower? Are you some kind of Euchre fanatic?” The woman apologizes and says her name is Natalie. The man walks away, his hands up, still looking at the scene. Natalie explains that they’re consultants to the police. The man sees Godzilla’s remains all over Alcatraz Island, and mumbles, “Oh my, they’re going to need a GIANT wipe for that! Natalie!”

6:08 pm – Chloe asks Natalie what the “wipes” are all about. Natalie explains that her boss is obsessive-compulsive. Natalie leans in close to Chloe and says she’s made a fortune in the stock market in companies that make wipes since she started working for this guy.

6:09 pm – The man suddenly stops, looks at Jack and quickly turns squints and points at Godzilla. The man says “You’re lucky you’re still here, after that misfired rocket.” Jack looks startled, and asks how he knows about that. The man points at Badabing, and says “He’s the one you should be asking. He nearly got you killed!” Badabing’s eyes widen, and he runs off towards the crowd.

6:11 pm – Jack, Curtis, and Chloe have bewildered looks on their faces. Chloe asks “Who are you??” The man points where Badabing disappeared, and says “He’s getting away!” Jack, who has his back towards Badabing, sighs, takes off his shoe and tosses it over his shoulder. The shoe flies through the air, and smacks Badabing in the head. The police surround him. Jack goes to retrieve his shoe.

Commercial

6:16 pm – Jack asks how the man knew about the rocket. The man says that that scorch marks on Jack’s hands and clothes indicate that either Jack had a rocket blow up in his hands, or that Jack has incredibly dirty sneezes. The man shudders at the thought of this. The man says that he recognized Badabing from some police photos, knew his name was “Badabing”, and that he’s connected with a Chinese “family”. He tells Jack that if that really was Badabing, Jack is lucky to be alive.

6:18 pm – Curtis asks, “Are you telling me that he was a Chinese ‘Hit Man’?” The man says, “I believe they like to use the term ‘Life Cycle Expeditors’.” Chloe suggests, whoever he was with, he should ask his sister what’s going on. They look around, but Ching is gone. Chloe then asks everyone where RoboEdgar is, because he also seems to be missing.

6:20 pm – Jack thanks Natalie and the man, and tells Curtis and Chloe they have to get to CTU right away, since Jack still can’t reach them by phone. Jack slaps the phone into his palm to emphasize the point, and the phone immediately rings. They all stare at the phone for a second and Jack answers the phone.

6:22 pm – Jack says “This is Jack Bauer”. A voice at the other end says, “Ssshh! It’s him! Quiet! … Jack CPU? Is this Bauer calling?”. There’s laughing in the background. The voice continues, “I mean, ‘CPU? This is Jack Bauer’”. Jack hesitates, and then asks “Bill? Is that you?” The voice at the other end says, “He knows it’s us! Hang up the ph…”. The phone call ends.

6:24 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack are on their way back to CTU. Jack tells Curtis that there’s something he’s been meaning to do for the last 12 hours, and whispers something to Curtis. Curtis nods in agreement, and pulls over in a gas station. Jack runs in. A few seconds later, Jack comes running out holding a key chain with a key, a large piece of wood, and a fake beer bottle with the words “Buckwiser – The King of Deers” written on the side of it. Jack runs into the rest room.

Commercial

6:29 pm – Jack leaves the rest room, returns the key. Outside of the station, a woman runs up to Jack with a piece of paper and asks for his autograph. He signs the paper and runs back to the car. The car continues back towards CTU. They drive several blocks, trying to figure out what might have happened to RoboEdgar. Jack asks Chloe to please try and figure out why all these people want his autograph.

6:30 pm – Janosz drives up to a non-descript building that has a sign that says “Nope! No terrorists here! Nuh, uh! No way!”. Janosz and Julian get out of the car and enter the building. Janosz yells out, “Vigo! I have a surprise for you!” Marwan steps out from another room, a big smile across his face. “Julian! We are reunited!”.

6:32 pm – Several thugs and henchmen enter the building behind Janosz. One of the thugs yells, “Marwan! We have set off the gas canisters! Dial your video cell phone to watch the aftermath of our destruction! Mahahahahaha!” Marwan stands up and shoots the thug, and says “If there is one thing I can’t stand more than a really melodramatic statement, it is having to use my own cell phone’s air time to watch the destruction of my enemies instead of watching it on my giant screen TV. ….WELL?” The remaining thugs run around trying to figure out how to use their own cell phones to connect to the television.

6:34 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack arrive outside of CTU. The parking lot is very quiet. The cars, pedestrians and birds are all pretty loud, but the parking lot is very quiet.

6:35 pm – One of the thugs is able to connect his own cell phone to the giant screen television at Marwan’s evil lair, and an image of Curtis, Chloe and Jack appears on the screen. The thug explains that they will be able to observe what’s happening in CTU by using the other cameras they have tapped into there.

Commercial

6:41 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack, completely unaware of the gas that has been released at CTU, enter the building. They slowly enter the building.

6:42 pm – Marwan points at the screen and tells Julian, “See the destruction of my enemies!” One of the thugs in the background says something about it being OK for Marwan to be melodramatic, but no one else. Marwan hears this, turns around and shoots the thug. Of the henchmen says, “Hey! You didn’t even shoot him in the thigh!” Marwan shoots this guy too, and says “Hello?”, points to himself and says “Evil!”

6:44 pm – Loud “Barry Manilow” is being played from somewhere in front of them as Jack, Chloe, and Curtis make their way further into the building. Chloe starts to cry and tells Jack and Curtis that the poor people inside must be being tortured.

6:45 pm – One of the remaining thugs desperately tries to get the camera angle to change to what is happening inside CTU, but can’t do it. Marwan shoots this guy too. Marwan orders one of the other thugs to get the camera to work.

6:48 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack jump into the room, all three of them in Flank Two position. To all of their horror, all around them are bodies. All of the bodies are alive; that’s not the horrible part. The horrible part is they’re all taking part in karaoke, trying to sing “Copacabana”. Jack starts to feel light-headed, and tells Curtis and Chloe they need to start trying to get people out of the building.

6:50 pm – The thug finally gets the camera connection inside CTU to work, and Marwan lets out a scream as he realizes that no one inside CTU is dead. Marwan turns to the man that set up the gas canister inside CTU, and yells at him. “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CANISTER?” The man goes pale, and stammers that he stole it from a dentist’s office.

6:52 pm – Julian helpfully points out that it was probably Classical Gas they used, since they try and mellow people out in dentist offices. The man runs out of the building, Marwan trying to fire his gun. This guy is lucky that Marwan has run out of bullets.

Commercial

6:56 pm – The phone rings, and Marwan answers it. It’s The Hollywood Writer Looking Guy. Hollywood tells Marwan that he has also been monitoring what has been going on. Hollywood tells Marwan that unless he starts following the real plan, Jack Bauer will escape again and again. Marwan screams in a fit of rage and slams down the phone.

6:57 pm – Outside of CTU, Jack helps Bill out of the building, while making a phone call to get some ambulances to help everyone else. Jack tells Curtis and Chloe that they need to get Bill to a doctor right away, since he seems to have gotten the brunt of the gas.

6:58 pm – Bill is humming the song “Mandy” to himself as Jack, Chloe and Curtis try and get him into the car. They finally do it, and Curtis drives off. Then he backs up and picks up Chloe and Jack. They drive off at high speed.

6:59 pm – A short way down the road, Curtis slams on the breaks and screams. Jack looks up and reassures Curtis that the thing he sees is called a “red light” and they happen from time to time. Curtis shakes his head, still unable to speak, and points at the billboard on top of one of the buildings in this distance. Jack and Chloe let out screams too. The camera pans around, and we see what they’ve so scared of. It’s a giant picture of Ex-President Manilow, wearing a wig. Underneath the picture are the words “Join Us For Sunday Services on Channel 43”. Just when you thought he couldn’t sink any lower, Ex-President Manilow has resorted to becoming a televangelist.

7:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Audrey received an award for performance art after being strapped to a bridge and nearly blown up, and was taken away to a hospital. Jack discovers that Marwan is back, and has obtained protective thigh armor from KaChing’s Thigh Armor Emporium. Chloe and RoboEdgar arrive from the Midwest. Godzilla makes an appearance right outside of KaChing’s, and seems impervious to bullets.

The following occurred between 5 pm and 6 pm, but we’re pretty easily distracted so it might….Oooo! Shiny!

5:00 pm – Curtis looks at Jack and asks him why something like this always happens at the top of the hour, but Jack is too busy trying to dodge Godzilla. Godzilla is also busy, mainly stomping on things with his enormous feet, making subcompact cars much more sub and compact.

5:01 pm – Janosz is on the phone with the Hollywood-Looking Script Writer Guy (HLSW), trying to explain that he was trying to conjure up the Stay-Puft marshmallow Man (SPMM), when he accidentally conjured up Godzilla instead.

5:03 pm – Godzilla is still stamping on things, and comes really close to hitting Chloe. RoboEdgar doesn’t like this one bit. He smashes into a Chinese restaurant storefront, grabs a bunch of food in both hands, and eats it. He then fires his rockets, zooming up and hitting Godzilla with a surprising amount of speed for a robot the size of a large walrus.

5:04 pm – For the first time in recorded cinematic history we, the audience, hear Godzilla say “Ooof”.

5:05 pm – RoboEdgar hits Godzilla so hard that Godzilla hurdles over San Francisco and lands in the bay near Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. Several kids touring the island with their parents yell “Fake!” RoboEdgar follows, and continues to fight Godzilla on the shore of the island.

5:07 pm – Chloe tells Jack that he needs to do something about Godzilla, and Jack says that he’s working on it. Jack turns to Ching and asks if she knows where they can get some really powerful fireworks. Ching looks at Jack like he just sat down in a Chinese restaurant and ordered a hamburger, and tells him of course she does.

5:08 pm – Ching tells Jack that her brother, Badabing, has a fireworks outlet nearby, and that it would just take a few minutes to get there. They all leave and head up the street. A black net drops out of no where, missing Jack by inches. Jack doesn’t notice this.

Commercial

5:13 pm – RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla on Alcatraz Island. Many Japanese tourists are taking pictures like crazy, while some of the island tour guides start to try and charge extra money for the “special show” that’s happening right now.

5:14 pm – Ching, Jack, Chloe and Curtis all enter a store labeled “Badabing KaChing’s Amazing Firework Things”. Ching hastily introduces everyone to her brother, Badabing. Jack asks Badabing if he has anything really powerful, like a rocket. Badabing asks Jack what color rocket he wants.

5:16 pm – Marwan is watching the fight out in the bay, using a pair of binoculars. Janosz says, “Begging Vigo’s pardon, but I think that Jack Bauer will soon be gone”. Marwan shoves the binoculars to Janosz’s hands, and tells him that unless Jack has gained about a hundred pounds and is now chrome-plated, it is definitely not Jack out in the bay fighting Godzilla right now. Marwan says that he’ll have to go to “Plan G” for killing Jack. Janosz jokes that at this rate, they might run out of alphabet. From the look on Marwan’s face, he either had a bad egg for breakfast, or he didn’t appreciate Janosz’s comment.

5:19 pm – Using his amazing powers of traffic free driving, Curtis arrives with Jack, Chloe, Badabing, and Ching at San Francisco Bay where RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla. Chloe tells Jack that he better hurry up, because RoboEdgar looks as though he’s resorted to splashing water in Godzilla’s eyes, and it doesn’t look like it’s having much effect. Jack steps out of the car, and heads back towards the trunk just as a car goes with a large hook on the side that just misses Jack. Jack doesn’t notice this as he unloads several rockets and heads towards the shoreline.

5:21 pm – Cheney-Looking-Guy (CLG) is in the LA Presidential Office with newly appointed President, Wayne Palmer. President Wayne isn’t so sure this whole “being president” thing is going to work out very well, since the last two didn’t end up all that well. He also doubts anyone will really vote for him in an election. CLG says that President Wayne is a cinch for two reasons: 1) He isn’t Manilow and 2) Everyone liked President All-State, and people would figure that President Wayne would be a pretty good guy too. CLG finally reassures President Wayne that going to talk to the general public be sure that this is a good idea and also wearing a Presidential Bullet Proof Jacket alleviate a lot of his fears.

5:24 pm – As his second official act as President, Wayne calls California to find out if they can rename he movie “Snakes on a Plane”, because it’s a silly name.

Commercial

5:29 pm – Jack has commandeered a jet ski – which is law enforcement talk for “taken” – from a very bewildered tourist that has been watching the Godzilla and RoboEdgar fight. Jack is now jet skiing his way towards RoboEdgar and Godzilla.

5:30 pm – Several protesters are trying to organize next to the water, and are trying to figure whether they’re protesting: 1) The violence in the fight between RoboEdgar and Godzilla; 2) Cruelty to animals; 3) Cruelty to robots. They decide to go with “Cruelty to animals”.

5:32 pm – Jack tries firing one of Badabing’s rockets using a rocket launcher and points it at Godzilla, but it just shoots streamers. Jack looks towards the shore and Badabing shrugs, and motions for Jack to try another rocket. Jack picks up another rocket, and this time it really lets loose, nearly knocking Jack off his jet ski. The rocket misses Godzilla.

5:34 pm – RoboEdgar, however, is very distracted by the rocket, since it nearly hits him instead. He looks down and sees Jack. Jack mouths the word “Sorry!” give RoboEdgar a weak smile.

5:36 pm – RoboEdgar flies down, scoops up Jack, just as four scuba divers surface and try and grab Jack from the jet skit. RoboEdgar and Jack fly back up towards Godzilla. Jack lights the rockets using RoboEdgar’s jet flames, and throws them towards Godzilla.

5:37 pm – In a remarkably athletic catch for such are large monster, Godzilla grabs the rockets, which as it turns out is also a remarkably stupid thing to do, because they explode. Jack and RoboEdgar are thrown far away from the explosion and land in the water.

5:38 pm – The spectacular explosion completely barbecues Godzilla, and throws the lizard’s body on top of the Alcatraz prison building. (This is perhaps one of the finest special effects ever filmed, but unfortunately you’ll just have to take my word for it). Food vendors on the island immediately start selling an “Exploded Fried Lizard Sandwich” special.

5:41 pm – The crowd on shore applauds. Curtis and Chloe don’t see Jack or RoboEdgar anywhere!

Commercial

5:46 pm – Marwan orders some of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. One of the thugs as “For all? For all, what?” Marwan shoots him and asks another one of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug points out that they already tried to use gas canisters, and that didn’t work out very well. Marwan shoots this thug too. Marwan asks a third thug to retrieve some gas canisters so the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug doesn’t ask any questions, and leaves.

5:48 pm – Chloe and Curtis are getting pretty upset at not seeing Jack and RoboEdgar, and even more upset because of the more immediate problem of the protesters freaking out about the Godzilla explosion. The protesters are trying to change to “non-violence” protest signs but there don’t seem to be enough signs. A large riot starts when the protesters start hitting each other with their signs.

5:51 pm – Chloe gets on the phone with CTU to tell them about Godzilla, Jack and RoboEdgar. Bill tells her they’ll get a search and rescue squad sent out right away, and hangs up. Chloe tasers a vendor that tries to sell her a “Godzilla vs. The Big Robot” T-shirt.

5:53 pm – Chloe tells Curtis to stop setting up a perimeter for a minute, and asks him what they can do to try and help Jack. Curtis says he’s not sure. A man wearing a “I saw the Godzilla vs The Big Robot Fight” hat asks for Chloe’s autograph, and she asks him why he would want her autograph. He says that he likes her TV show, and the autograph would mean a lot to his kids. She signs the paper.

5:54 pm – A young child screams, “Whale!” and points towards the water. Chloe grabs Curtis’ binoculars which are still slung around his neck, nearly knocking him over. She scans the water to see what the kid is screaming about.

5:55 pm – Loud triumphant music plays in the background. Off in the water, RoboEdgar is propelling himself through the water, Jack sitting on RoboEdgar’s back. They’re headed for shore. Chloe tries to tell Curtis what she sees. Curtis can’t hear her. Chloe suddenly grabs Curtis’s gun, fires three times in the air and the symphony orchestra playing on the platform next to them stops playing. She tells Curtis that Jack and RoboEdgar are OK.

5:58 pm – Jack and RoboEdgar arrive on shore, watching the protesters that are beating each other up as they walk toward Chloe and Curtis. Chloe gives both of them a big hug. RoboEdgar looks a bit distracted, as if he really wants to head to Alcatraz for a lizard sandwich.

5:59 pm – Chloe tells Jack that someone just came up to her for an autograph, and it’s really starting to creep her out, even more than Miles did. Jack agrees that something really weird is going on, since Godzilla just doesn’t make appearances like that either. Jack tries to call CTU, and for the first time ever, no one answers the phone.

6:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time:

Ex-President Manilow auditioned for a role on a TV show, but was turned down because he didn’t make a convincing enough President. RoboEdgar ate a giant crop circle into a cornfield, and is now flying with Chloe to San Francisco to meet Jack and Curtis. Audrey has been kidnapped again, and is currently duct-taped and roped to the side of the Golden Gate Bridge. The kidnappers have giant speakers duct-taped to the bridge and a microphone duct-taped to Audrey’s mouth, and are threatening to turn on the speakers to destroy San Francisco unless they get their ransom.

4:00 pm – Jack tells Curtis that the person with the ransom demand must be close to where they are, because they knew who and when to call. Curtis tells Jack that he really needs to get a new unlisted phone number. Jack tells him that he’s locked into his current rate plan, and that it’ll cost a lot of money to get out of the contract. A man comes up to them and tries to interrupt them. Curtis suggests that Jack just pay the fee, and start with a new contract and a new carrier. The man says “Excuse me!” Jack says that he really likes his JackPhone. Frustrated, the man yells at them and asks if they know anything about the woman up on the bridge. Jack says, “Oh, right!” Curtis and Jack start climbing up the hill towards one end up the bridge.

4:03 pm – Traffic is non-existent on the bridge, but there are a lot of people on the other end, and they’re headed towards Jack and Curtis. The people are carrying a sign that says, “San Francisco Kumbaya Art Festival”. Jack is looking all around, trying to figure out where the ransom caller is hiding. Jack looks farther up the steel beams, and sees someone. Jack says, “It’s Marwan!” Curtis tells Jack that Marwan can’t be up there, because he’s dead. Jack agrees with Curtis that Marwan did die, but says this is probably a form of dead that they were previously unfamiliar with. Marwan swings down onto the ledge near Audrey, but hides behind a beam.

4:05 pm – Marwan is making his way around the cabling above Audrey, who is desperately trying to chew her way through the duct-tape. Jack pulls out his gun and points it towards Marwan. Curtis tells Jack that if he shoot Marwan, he better shoot him in the thigh, because if he doesn’t, no one will believe that Marwan was really alive. Everyone will think that he and Jack just dug up Marwan and were using him for target practice. Jack agrees that not only is this plausible enough for people to believe that, it’s also one heck of a good idea and wishes that Curtis had mentioned this idea before.

4:07 pm – Curtis tells Jack that he better be quick because the crowd is almost where Audrey is, and if they hit a civilian, they’ll be lots of questions, paperwork, notes of apology, etc. Jack tells Curtis that he can make the shot, and shoots! We hear a loud “KaChing!” Marwan just laughs. Marwan yells, “Protective thigh armor, Mr. Bauer!” and swings over the edge, just as the people approach the middle of the bridge.

4:09 pm – Jack and Curtis run to where Audrey is duct-taped. As they’re running, a woman at the front of the parade, stops at Audrey, loudly announces “Congratulations! You’ve won Second Place in the Performance Art category in this year’s festival!”, and slaps a ribbon on top of Audrey’s head. This jars some of the duct-tape that had been holding Audrey to the bridge, loosening both of her head and hands…but not her feet. Audrey swings down, and is now facing head down, towards the water, feet hanging from ropes that are duct-taped to the bridge. Audrey looks a bit surprised and unhappy at this turn of events. Marwan can’t be seen. Jack reaches the edge of the bridge, and starts to climb down to reach Audrey, despite Curtis’s pleas not to go down there.

Commercial

4:13 pm – Jack reaches Audrey, and tells her that everything is going to be OK. Audrey’s really screaming now, but it’s pretty muffled by the duct tape. She’s nodding her head towards Jack. Jack tells her to stop moving around so much, and to quit ticking. Jack stops and thinks about this for a second, realizing that of all the noises he’s ever heard Audrey make, ticking was not one of them.

4:14 pm – Jack turns his head in the direction of the noise, and sees a bomb that’s been duct-taped under the bridge, just out of reach. The bomb is labeled “Bauer-Away! Get rid of the pesky Bauers in your life.” It has a note that says “Goodbye, Mr. Bauer”.

4:15 pm – Jack swings to the beam, takes out a knife and cuts the bomb loose from the bridge. It falls into the water and explodes.

4:16 pm – Jack swings back to Audrey, grabs her, and starts to climb up. When they reach the top, the people in the parade applaud, and the woman that gave Audrey second place comes up to Jack and hands him the first place ribbon, apologizing for not waiting until the end of the performance. Police cars arrive.

4:18 pm – Curtis says that something is wrong with Audrey, and Jack realizes that Curtis is right. Audrey isn’t making any sort of noise whatsoever. She just has a wide-eyed shocked look on her face. Jack calls Bill, and lets him know what happened, and Audrey’s current state. Bill congratulates Jack for finally figuring out how to shut Audrey up.

4:19 pm – Several ambulances arrive. Two men get out of one of them. It’s the two drivers that had previously tried to take Audrey to the hospital. They take one look at her, and run back to the ambulance and drive away. A couple of the other medics arrive, put Audrey on a gurney, and put her in the ambulance. They drive away. Just as Curtis is congratulating Jack, they hear a huge explosion to the south. Jack flashes his CTU ID to one of the police officers. The officer says that he loves the show, and tells him to take the car. Jack looks at Curtis and Curtis shrugs. They jump into the car, headed to the sound of the explosion.

Commercial

4:24 pm – Hollywood is on the phone, arguing with Janosz. Hollywood is really mad that with all the effort they’ve made today, Jack is still alive, AND they have Marwan running loose on the streets. Hollywood tells Janosz, that he better find a good way to control Marwan, because he’s afraid that Marwan is just crazy enough to get Jack AND the rest of them. Janosz says he has just the plan to get Marwan AND Jack, and tells Hollywood that he’s headed for Golden Gate Park.

4:25 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at a tourist area, just outside some kind of chocolate store. People are running and screaming in every direction. As they get out of the car, they see Chloe emerge from the building. She sees Jack and she tells him that RoboEdgar is inside, and that it’s all her fault. While they were traveling back to the West Coast, she said something about wanting a piece of chocolate, and RoboEdgar headed straight for Ghirardelli Square. Jack tells Curtis to go inside, find RoboEdgar. He tells Curtis he wants RoboEdgar to fly back to CTU and wait for further instructions.

4:28 pm – Bill calls Jack tells him that the “KaChing” noise that Marwan’s thigh armor made is manufactured in the China Town area of San Francisco, and the “KaChing Thigh Armor Emporium”. Curtis returns to tell Jack that RoboEdgar is in no mood to go back to CTU, and that he wants to stay with Chloe. Chloe goes back to talk to RoboEdgar, who for some reason is signing autographs for people who are a lot less hysterical than they were a few minutes ago. Chloe convinces RoboEdgar to fly slowly behind the car that Jack is driving. They head to China Town.

Commercial

4:31 pm – Janosz arrives at the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park. He finds a secluded area, and pulls out three stones from his pocket which he puts into a triangle, and starts casting a magic spell, asking for help in getting rid of Jack Bauer, and getting Marwan under control.

4:34 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis feel a really strong rumbling noise. Jack thinks it might have been RoboEdgar screwing around, and tells Chloe to tell him to stop doing that. Chloe leans out the window to yell at RoboEdgar.

4:35 pm – As they head for China Town, Jack tells Chloe that he’s been noticing something really weird going on, and that people have started to recognize him. Curtis said that the same thing is happening to him. Chloe says she noticed the same thing about RoboEdgar, and that someone had asked her to “not taser him”. Jack tells Chloe to connect to the computers at CTU, and see if she can figure what’s going on.

4:37 pm – Another rumbling noise, and they all turn to look at RoboEdgar, which was probably a bad idea, because Jack was driving. Fortunately, Jack doesn’t hit anyone.

4:39 pm – The car arrives at the KaChing Thigh Armor Emporium. Chloe asks Edgar to wait outside, and not get into any trouble. Curtis and Jack go inside, while Chloe uses a laptop computer inside the police car to connect to CTU.

Commercial

4:44 pm – Jack speaks with, Ching KaChing, the owner. Another, stronger tremor hits, and Ching says that it’s nothing to worry about since earthquake tremors happen in San Francisco all the time. Jack questions her about the orders for thigh armor they get. She explains that there are quite a few orders from all over the country, with a surge of them on Tuesday mornings for some reason. Curtis asks if there are any good Sushi restaurants in the area, and Ching tells him that this is CHINA town, not JAPAN town.

4:47 pm – Jack asks if Ching has filled any “strange” orders lately. Ching says that they get a lot of strange orders in this town, but the weirdest lately was a request for armor for “Prince Vigo the Carpathian” from someone named Janosz Poha. An even stronger tremor hits, knocking over a few thigh armor displays. Ching looks a little concerned.

4:50 pm – Chloe runs into the store, and tells Jack she found something. She said that the computers at CTU didn’t show up anything at all, but that something really weird was happening down in Los Angeles on one of the television studios.

Commercial

4:56 pm – There’s a loud crash outside. Jack tells Chloe that RoboEdgar must have seen a restaurant, and they better go get him before he causes more damage. Curtis yells, “GODZILLA!” Ching hits him in the shoulder, and tells him that not only is Godzilla, again a JAPANESE monster, but saying stuff like this is not the least bit funny. Curtis is shakes his head and points out the window. The only thing you can see out the window is a giant foot where their police car used to be.

4:57 pm – Jack receives a phone call from Bill, who says that they’ve traced some kind of massive disturbance which appears to have started around the Japanese Tea Garden at Golden Gate Park, and is currently somewhere in China Town. Jack tells Bill, “Thanks for the tip”, and hangs up.

4:58 pm – Jack, Curtis, Chloe and Ching all run outside. It’s Godzilla, all right. Ching takes one look at the monster, tells the rest of the group that it’s been nice meeting them, but that she has to go. She runs back inside, slams the door shut, and shutters the windows.

4:59 pm – Many of the buildings on the street are destroyed, and people are, in general, freaking out. Curtis and Jack both take aim at Godzilla and fire their guns, but it has no effect.

5:00 pm – Time’s up!

OK… Word of warning this time. Some of the references in here will make no sense to you if you haven’t been paying attention to Dave Barry’s blog.

Come to think of it, some of this might not make sense even if you were paying attention to Dave’s blog.

….Well, anyway, here goes….

Last Time:

Chloe disabled RoboEdgar by feeding him a granola bar. Through some tricky maneuvering, Cheney Looking Guy (CLG) was able to get Wayne Palmer, President Allstate’s brother, installed as president. Jack discovered his Amish heritage. RoboEdgar reveals that everything that has been happening today has been a plot to kill Jack. Jack receives a call and finds out that Audrey was kidnapped and is being held hostage (again). Jack and Curtis are trying to make their way back to California, while Chloe stays behind to repair RoboEdgar.

The following was scheduled to have happened between 3 pm and 4 pm, but was nearly delayed because the flight from New York was late. Fortunately, they’ve arrived on schedule, so please put your tray tables in an upright and locked position.

3:00 pm – Jack calls Bill to let him know that Audrey has been kidnapped. Bill says he knows, and that it’s Jack’s big chance to get out of the relationship. Jack ignores this and tells Bill to send out a team of experts to try and find out which group has taken Audrey.

3:03 pm – Bill quickly assembles some of the cleaning crew and gives them strict instructions to try and find Audrey.

3:04 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at Curtis’ modified Harrier Jet. Jack says that it’ll be good to fly on the inside for once, since he spent most of the time hanging on for dear life to RoboEdgar while they crossed the United States. Curtis said that he had no idea that Jack was that close to RoboEdgar. Jack tries to elbow him in the face, but misses when Curtis ducks! Curtis tells Jack, “You see there? You can fool me once with…” and Jack hits Curtis with his other elbow.

3:06 pm – Marwan tells the henchmen with him that he’s very unimpressed with the choice of kidnapping victims, since no one seems to want to pick her up. Janosz is standing behind Marwan, and tells the henchmen, “Don’t make Vigo angry!” Marwan looks at Janosz and shrugs when he doesn’t understand what the heck Janosz is talking about. Marwan tells the henchmen they need to continue with the plan, and they lead Audrey into the back room.

3:09 pm – Chloe is trying to explain to RoboEdgar that he died, but RoboEdgar doesn’t quite understand what Chloe is talking about. He keeps insisting that he needs to eat. Chloe does a couple of tests and she realizes that RoboEdgar needs to keep eating in order to remain powered. She asks Jonah, the “Amish” doctor that helped Jack where there is a source of food that can help RoboEdgar while she tries to figure out what to do to fix this problem. Jonah points to a cornfield and says that’s the nearest food supply. Chloe leads RoboEdgar to the corn field and tells him he can eat some of the corn, not ALL of the corn, and if he sees any children in that cornfield get out of there RIGHT AWAY. RoboEdgar goes into the cornfield.

Commercial

3:14 pm – On a hunch, the cleaning crew investigating Audrey’s kidnapping stop in on an animal shelter to see if someone has given Audrey up for adoption. They leave after they realize the howling they heard was not Audrey.

3:16 pm – Curtis and Jack are now flying at hypersonic speeds back towards California. Curtis says that he’s in no mood for any more of Jack’s punches, and Jack tells Curtis that he’s sorry, but he’s had a tough couple of days. Curtis says that he’s not surprised since Audrey is involved, but Jack doesn’t notice.

3:18 pm – Manilow is wandering the streets, very depressed that he’s no longer President. He tells himself that he’s going to need a job, and probably go undercover in order to not be arrested for everything that happened during the last day. He also says to himself that it would probably be a good idea anyway, since Mrs. Manilow is probably after him too. A panhandler on the street overhears all this, and presses five dollars into Manilow’s hands saying that he’s heard a lot of stories, but this was the most depressing.

3:23 pm – Chloe is still waiting for RoboEdgar to come out of the field. We can see that cornstalks are flying up in the air at an alarming rate while RoboEdgar eats.

3:24 pm – Bill calls Jack, and tells him there’s a strange disturbance north of San Francisco. Bill says he’s trying to get the details, but he’s not sure what it is. Jack tells him it’s a big city on the west coast, but what’s really important is finding out what the strange disturbance is.

3:25 pm – Johan tries to make small talk with Chloe. Johan tells Chloe that she’d probably like living in the Midwest, and then leans in closer to tell her to tell her something. Instinctively, Chloe pulls her taser out of her purse and zaps him.

Commercial

3:31 pm – Manilow is still wandering the streets when he sees a poster that lists times for auditions for a television show….as President of the United States! Manilow decides that maybe hiding out from everyone isn’t the best idea in the world, and decides to try for the audition. He checks the address and spends a couple of minutes trying to stop people to ask them if they know where the address is. Someone finally stops and points out that the address he’s looking for is where he is right now. The auditions are happening right now, in the building that he’s standing in front of. He walks in.

3:35 pm – Jack and Curtis fly into California on the hypersonic jet, and moments later land the plane. They’re in a parking lot across the street where there’s a huge disturbance at some kind of store. It’s completely mobbed. As they approach, Jack hears a lady say something about seeing a head on a stick. Jack immediately yells, “EVERYONE GET DOWN!” People immediately start trying to dance, and Curtis says if they don’t stop dancing like that, they’ll be arrested. Jack yells that he’s from CTU, and that everyone needs to get down on the ground immediately. He yells to Curtis to set up a perimeter, and Curtis looks happy to do so. Jack enters the building, rushing past a door that says “Book signing”.

3:38 pm – Curtis is doing his best to create a perimeter while people in the crowd ask if he’s someone famous, and asks for his autograph. Several minutes go by. Jack walks out of the book store. He looks completely bewildered. Curtis asks Jack what happened, and Jack explains that there is no terrorist activity going on, but he’s having a hard time trying to figure out what really was going on. Jack says that when he went inside, he saw a crowd of people listening to two men. One of them had a green hat, and the other had a robe with a hood. They were reading from a book. Jack goes on to explain that as soon as he interrupted what was going on and announced “I’m Jack Bauer with CTU!”, everyone immediately went into Flank Two Position. Curtis looks very alarmed by this.

3:42 pm – Jack goes on to explain that several people came up to him and wanted his autograph, and that they loved to watch “his show”. Curtis asks, “What show?” Jack just shakes his head and says he has no idea. Curtis asks, “What about the head on the stick?” Jack says that he saw someone carrying a stick with the picture of a woman’s head on it, and that’s when he left. Curtis tells Jack that someone asked for his autograph too. Jack says that the crowd told them something about “strumpeting”. Jack tells Curtis that something really weird is going on, and they head back to the jet.

3:45 pm – Jack calls Bill. Jack asks if there’s been some sort of leak at CTU. Bill says that he’ll check the plumbing again. Jack rolls his eyes and says that he means an identity leak. Bill doesn’t think there has been, and Jack informs Bill that somehow people at a book signing knew who he was. An assistant comes up to Bill and hands him a slip of paper. Bill says he’ll call Jack back as soon as he can, and hangs up.

Commercial

3:50 pm – Manilow leaves the audition, completely crushed that he wasn’t a convincing enough President of the United States.

3:51 pm – Chloe profusely apologies to Johan for tasering him, saying that it was just a reflex that she has. Johan explains that all he wanted to do was to tell Chloe that she should buy a house out in the Midwest. Chloe takes a step back and puts her hand on her taser again. Johan quickly explains that he meant because everything is much cheaper in the Midwest. Chloe asks what he means by this, and he tells her that they have prices for “outsiders” and different, cheaper, prices for people here in the Midwest. Chloe says something about how that explains the gas station attendant’s comments when they filled up the Jet. The way they’re able to do this it to make everyone believe that nothing is happening in the Midwest, and no one ever checks. Chloe says that she agrees that nothing IS going on in the Midwest, and Johan says she’s catching on. Just as he says this, RoboEdgar emerges from the corn field, and says “Alton Glowie”. Johan looks perplexed, and Chloe says, “He said, ‘All done, Chloe.’”

3:54 pm – Bill calls Jack and tells him that they just received a message from the kidnappers. They have to get to the Golden Gate Bridge as soon as they can, and that they’ll need to bring Chloe. Jack says that Chloe isn’t with them. Jack hangs up and calls Chloe. He tells her that they need her right away. Jack and Curtis jump in the jet and take off.

3:56 pm – Chloe tells RoboEdgar that they need to get to Jack right away. RoboEdgar tells her that he’ll carry her there. Chloe does not like this one bit, but finally agrees. Chloe puts her arms around RoboEdgar’s neck, and RoboEdgar blasts off. As they leave, we see the field that RoboEdgar was just in. There’s a huge crop circle in the middle of it.

3:58 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge, but don’t see anything. Jack’s phone rings. The voice on the other end, says “Mr. Bauer. You must deliver the sum of 10 million dollars to our Swiss bank account by 5 pm today, or San Francisco will suffer the consequences.”

3:59 Jack asks what “consequences”. The voice says, “If the money isn’t delivered, a sound wave so terrible will be unleashed at it will destroy everything in San Francisco”. Jack says he’ll need some proof. The voice says, “I direct your attention to the center of the bridge”. Jack pulls out a small set of binoculars from his JackSack, and looks through them. We see that Audrey has been strapped the bridge, between a huge set of speakers. A microphone is duct-taped to Audrey’s mouth. The voice on the phone says, “Yes, Mr. Bauer, unless the money is delivered, I’m going to turn on that microphone”.

4:00 pm – Time’s up!