Last time: RoboEdgar came in for a landing at Area 51, where Jack and Curtis met a mysterious guy named Fox. Fox flew them to Las Vegas, where they searched for sign of the Marwans. Ex-president Manilow went to Las Vegas to escape from his troubles in LA, just in time to get punched in the nose by Barry Manilow. Chloe told Jack and Curtis that the Marwans might have headed up to the Grand Canyon. Jack and Curtis “borrowed” the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile to get there, since they didn’t have a working car of their own.
And…. What about Naomi?
The following occurred between 2 am and 3 am, and that’s our story, so we’re sticking to it.
2:00 am – Curtis and Jack are clearly having a good time freaking out people that are driving down the highway. Curtis making siren noises using the loud speaker, and Jack snaps pictures using the camera in the Jackphone as people pull over. Jack tells Curtis he’s going to make a collage of all the pictures for his office at CTU when this is all over. They both decide that they better concentrate on getting to the Grand Canyon after they nearly destroy a bridge they only barely pass under.
2:02 am – Marwan, Julian and the remaining thugs have unpacked the car, and the thugs are carrying a large metal box as they make their way through the forest. They sneak up to a security station at the entrance of the park and find a sleeping guard in the booth. Marwan can’t resist writing “Ask me about my nap” on the guard’s forehead. They make their way past the security station and go further into the park.
2:04 am – Chloe gets a phone call from the guards at the front entrance of CTU, and they ask her to sign someone in. Chloe asks why they’re calling her, and they tell her that she’s the closest thing to someone in charge at this time of night.
2:06 am – Manilow, still staggering around after getting punched in the nose, wanders out of the hotel and onto the Las Vegas strip. A bunch of people are in the parking lot and there are several police cars there. Manilow sees the police and starts to head in the other direction when one of the officers flags him down. One of the midnight shows at the hotel is just letting out now, and the parking lot is getting a lot more crowded. Even the band and some of the showgirls come outside to see what’s going on.
Commercial
2:11 am – Jack calls Chloe to find out if she has any additional information. She tells him that Bill is back and he’s taking over for Madam Haig again. Chloe also tells him that she has some infrared satellite imagery that shows there is some activity around the Grand Canyon. She tells them it’s going to be a little tough for them to see what’s going on because there are so few lights around the Grand Canyon at night.
2:12 am – Chloe hands the phone to Bill, who asks Jack why they haven’t arrived at the Grand Canyon yet, since Curtis is usually such a fast driver. Jack decides not to tell Bill about their escapades on the highway, says that the connection is breaking up and hangs up.
2:14 am – The Marwan brothers direct some of thugs to move the box they’re carrying into the center of a large, flat, open area, while several others remain behind. It’s very dark, so we can only see the outlines. Julian walks up to one of the thuggish outlines and explains in great detail how he wants them to go man a helicopter that supposed to be nearby. Marwan calls his brother over and points out that Julian has spent the last several minutes talking to a tree.
2:16 am – The police question Manilow, who seems none too happy to be there. One of the people in the parking lot finds something on the ground. Manilow sees his chance. He sneaks up behind one of the showgirls, pulls off her headdress and puts it on himself. The cap slips over his eyes and he slowly starts trying to move away from the scene, thinking that he has the perfect disguise.
2:18 am – Jack and Curtis arrive at the guard station, just as the guard wakes up. Jack asks about the unique tattoo on the guard’s forehead, but the guard has no idea what he’s talking about. In fact, he seems really determined to let Jack and Curtis know, in no uncertain terms, that the Grand Canyon Park is closed, trying to act really intimidating. During this fit of security guard machoness, Jack flashes his CTU badge, pulls out his gun, and tells the guard that the park just re-opened. The guard quickly agrees. They take the guard with them as they enter the park.
2:20 am – Jack and Curtis make their way through the park’s pathways. They look around and don’t see anything unusual. They pass by a visitor station which is under construction except for the bathrooms, which are open. Curtis excuses himself, and goes in. About three seconds later, we hear Curtis yell. He’s completely disgusted to find out the toilets are the 0.8 gallon models.
2:21 am – Jack’s phone rings. It’s Chloe. She said that RoboEdgar should be nearby, because they just received a message from one of the Department of Natural Resources rangers that a giant robot just attacked a campsite, but took nothing but ‘Smores.
Jack says that doesn’t really help him find out where the Marwan brothers are. Chloe tells him that if he would have let her finish, she would have been able to tell him that they just got a series of demands from the Marwans. Jack says go ahead and finish, so Chloe tells him, “OK, that’s better. We just got a series of demands from the Marwans”. From the look on Chloe’s face, if Jack had been there, she would have tasered him.
2:22 am – Jack is still trying to talk to Chloe when there’s a very loud noise, and RoboEdgar drops in for a landing. Jack asks RoboEdgar, “Have you seen the Marwans? Go find the Marwans!” Chloe tells Jack, “Why don’t you ask him if they fell down a well so you can follow him? He’s not Lassie, Jack!” RoboEdgar finishes the last of a ‘Smore and shrugs his shoulders.
2:23 am – Jack asks what the demands are, and Chloe says, “They want you to go out to a large box they have out there. It’s supposed to have further instructions.” Jack asks how they got the message to CTU, and Chloe said that they had rigged some sort of advertisement to pop up on her screen while she was surfing the public internet for information about how everything is connected. She said that she had to close the window about 57 times for it to finally go away.
2:24 am – The group makes their way to the end of the pathway they were standing on. There’s an eerie silence, and in the distance they can see a plain box in the middle of a field. Jack says that there’s something weird going on, and Curtis asks him yet again if he’s been paying any attention at all to what’s been happening during this whole day. Jack says, “That’s not what I mean….. Isn’t this supposed to be a lookout point for the Grand Canyon? Where did the canyon go??”
2:26 am – The guard that’s with them looks at them like they’re morons. The guard tells them that they cover the Grand Canyon up at night so that it doesn’t get dirty. The flat field they’ve been looking at is actually a giant tarp that’s stretched over the canyon, and that box is sitting out in the middle of it. Jack tells RoboEdgar to stay with the guard, and turns on a portable flashlight. Jack and Curtis start to make their way to the box in the distance.
Commercial
2:32 am – Jack and Curtis are pretty close to the box now, so Jack’s pulled out his JackPhone, presses a few buttons and waves it towards the box. He tells Curtis that there aren’t and radiation readings coming from the box, so they’re safe. Curtis tells Jack that they’re standing in the middle of a tarp stretched over the Grand Canyon, and that this must be some strange definition of the word “safe” that he wasn’t previously aware of. Jack tells Curtis he’s been reading too much “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and asks him to help open the box.
2:33 am – They lift the lid off the wooden crate after a bit of trouble, and discover a 0.8 gallon toilet inside the box, and recoil in horror. There’s a note inside that says, “Goodbye, Mr. Bauer”. Curtis asks what that noise is, and Jack realizes that while they’re completely safe from any sort of radiation poisoning, they’re distinctly unsafe from the large amount of explosives packed around the toilet in the box.
2:34 am – Jack and Curtis start to make a run for the edge of the canyon, and a Black Bad-Guy Helicopter comes out of nowhere, shining a light right at Jack and Curtis. It starts shooting its guns and either through luck or incredibly bad aim, the bullets aren’t coming anywhere near them. Curtis starts to laugh and tells Jack that the pilots need some remedial “Bad Guy on the Shooting Range” time, and Jack says that they’re not trying to shoot at them – they’re shooting that the toilet packed with explosives.
Jack pulls out his gun and starts shooting at the guy manning the machine gun on the helicopter. The guy gets hit in the shoulder, and falls out of the helicopter. He hits the tarp, and bounces back up again. Curtis says, “Lucky for him that tarp is springy”. The guy flies all the way back up to the helicopter, and right into the blades, cutting him into bad guy cold cuts. Jack tells Curtis that he’s not going to be able to eat at a deli for a while, and Curtis agrees.
2:36 am – Another thug goes to the opposite side of the helicopter to continue to shoot. This guy has a lot better aim. A bullet hits the toilet box that is packed with explosives. It blows up, sending the toilet high into the air, narrowly missing the helicopter. The tarp buckles and begins to fall down into the canyon.
The helicopter circles as the thug at the gun turns his attention to Jack and Curtis, who are now frantically trying to get off the tarp back onto solid ground. The thug gets them in his gun sights. At this moment, gravity rears its ugly head and the previously carefree and airborne toilet decides to come in for a landing, right through the top of the helicopter. The last thing we see before the helicopter explodes is the toilet sitting in the seat that had moments before been occupied by the gunner.
2:38 am – Jack and Curtis just make it to the edge, as the tarp they had just been running on descends into the Grand Canyon, parts of it in flames where the helicopter went down. The guard doesn’t look at all pleased with this situation and asks how in the heck he’s going to explain what happened here. Jack pats him on the shoulder and tells him to tell the truth, because he’s sure that someone will believe him.
2:44 am – Jack calls CTU to tell Bill what happened. Bill asks, “Who is this really?” which makes Jack a bit upset. Bill tells him to calm down, and that it was obviously a trap set by the Marwan brothers, Jack says, “NO! You think?” and rolls his eyes.
2:45 – Bill tells Jack that Chloe has a satellite tracking the Marwans. They’ve gotten a hold of an airplane on the other side of the canyon. Bill says, “Through an amazingly complicated computer algorithm, good old fashioned detective work, and some plain out right lucky guesses, Chloe has determined that they’re headed to another great national treasure, Niagara Falls.” Jack points out that technically Niagara Falls is shared by the United States and Canada, and Bill tells him that he knows that, but that would have ruined his little speech.
2:46 – Chloe presses the speaker button on the CTU phone, and tells Jack that she thinks that she knows what the Marwans are up to. They’re trying to destroy popular places where crowds gather, while at the same time trying to keep people pre-occupied with low-low low-flush toilets. If people are busy trying to flush toilets all the time, and others are standing in line waiting, riots are going to start breaking out all over the country. Everything will go into complete chaos. Chloe says that it sounds every bit as crazy as a Schoenberg concert. Jack says that it doesn’t sound like much of a plan. Chloe adds that in the midst of all this, they’re trying to kill Jack too. Jack says he doesn’t like that plan either.
2:47 – Chloe suggests that RoboEdgar fly Jack and Curtis to Niagara Falls to head off the Marwans. Curtis looks none too pleased by this turn of events, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. Before Curtis realizes what’s happening, RoboEdgar grabs both Jack and Curtis, blasts off and head for Niagara Falls.
Just as they disappear into the night sky, several Department of Natural Resources trucks pull up, some officers get out, and the security guard starts to try to explain everything that just happened.
Commercial
2:51 am – Curtis and Jack arrive at Niagara Falls, in incredibly good time, even for this show. RoboEdgar lands at a railing right near the falls, and nearly slips almost dragging them all in. Jack suggests to RoboEdgar that he get some better shoes. Curtis wonders if they make sneakers that big.
2:52 am – Jack and Curtis look around, trying to figure out what the Marwans are up to. Curtis says it would probably help them a lot if they could find someone to turn off the water to the falls for a while.
There are a lot of lights on turned on, even this early in the morning and it doesn’t take them too long to realize that something is going on at the top of the Falls.
2:54 am – Two groups of thugs are trying to balance on a wire that’s stretched across Niagara Falls. They’re walking on one wire from the opposite side of the Falls while holding on to a wire above them. Each group tries to carry a toilet between them. A toilet that looks very much like the one that Jack and Curtis saw at the Grand Canyon. They’re trying to carry them to hooks in the middle of the bottom wire, just above the rushing water.
Curtis points out that those guys are going to be in a lot of trouble for trying to smuggle a toilet into the country. Jack says that if the bombs explode, it’s going to be really catastrophic for Niagara Falls.
2:56 am – Jack runs to the opposite side, realizes he has to go on the wire because just cutting it will make the bombs drop and will set everything off. Curtis tries to yell for him to stop, but Jack heads out on the wire just as orchestra music wells up very loudly. Curtis turns to tell RoboEdgar to quit messing around with the sound system because today he’s really sick of hearing that happen every time something really dramatic happens.
2:58 am – Jack tries to yell to the thugs that they have to get off the wire right away, but the roar of the water falls is so great that he can’t be heard. Since Jack isn’t carrying anything he makes it to the middle of the line pretty quickly, and looks up to see Marwan with a huge grin on his face, standing at the end of the wire. Marwan waves at Jack, holds up some wire cutters, and cuts the line.
2:59 am – The wire snaps, and two of the thugs immediately go into the water with their toilet. It impacts, and explodes, sending a huge plume of water straight up into the air. The other two thugs, their toilet and Jack are hanging from the top wire. Marwan reaches up, and cuts the top wire.
3:00 am – Time’s up!