Category: 24

Last time: Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar chased the Marwan Brothers through the Field museum, and around Chicago. Jack disguised himself in a moustache and beard that he has since found out he can’t remove. Manilow was given the assignment of getting Janosz into the White House. There’s some sort of disturbance going on at the Lincoln Memorial. Julian is running away from it straight to Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar, who are at the Washington Monument. A problem with the computers at CTU forced Chloe to leave and use the public internet to help Jack.

The following occurred between 6 am and 7 am, and is brought to you with limited commercial interruption through a sponsorship of a kitchen knife product with actors posing as people that are completely astounded that you can cut ACTUAL bread with a knife and get ACTUAL REAL (really!) sliced bread, in the comfort and relative safety (if you don’t count how hazardous knives are) of your own home. Amazing!

We’d like to remind you that no actual bread was hurt in the filming of this show or commercial – stunt bread was used instead.

6:00 am – Pamela wakes up and finds that Bobby is in the shower! The whole thing was… oops, wrong show.

6:00 am – Suddenly, Bob wakes up! Emily asks, “What’s wrong?” Bob turns on a light and explains that he had the strangest dream where he was an innkeeper in… wait, that’s the wrong show too.

6:00 am – RoboEdgar wanders back into the Washington Monument as Jack continues his phone conversation with Chloe. Chloe tells Jack (ok, we’re back to the right show) that she’s found a website on the Internet that has information that might help him. Chloe tells Jack that she entered some of the things that have been happening all day into Google, and a certain weblog came up. Jack asks her what words she used. She tells him that entering “Marwan Brothers” into Google, she came up with the Dave Barry weblog. She tells Jack that she didn’t think that was anything useful, so she entered “bada bing kaching fireworks” and it came up with the Dave Barry weblog again! She tells Jack that she even tried: “squirrels exploding toilets snakes”, and it STILL came up with the Dave Barry weblog.

6:03 am – Jack asks Chloe if there’s something on that website that can help them with the situation there in. Chloe says, “It’s a weblog, not a website! You are just so web 1.0.” Jack asks what a “weblog” is, and Chloe tells him to get with the program. Chloe says, “Everyone has a weblog! Even I have a weblog”. Jack says, “Right now, I don’t care what kind of ‘web-thingie’ it is, all I want to know is, can it help us?” Chloe does a little more checking, and tells Jack that somehow all the events from yesterday and today are all chronicled on the Dave Barry weblog already, but she’s not really sure how it was done. Chloe says, “From what I can tell, there are a lot of other CTU field agents that must be doing surveillance on what’s happening out in the field, and they’re all posting under aliases to protect their identities. According to this, it appears that the Marwans are in Washington with you right now, over at the Lincoln Memorial, but that’s where it ends.” Jack hangs up and tells Curtis they need to get to the Lincoln Memorial.

6:05 am – Manilow reaches the White House guard house with Janosz. Manilow leans over to Janosz and says, “I have a plan.” The guard asks for an ID as they approach, and says, “Snap it up, will ya? We just flew in. We’re tired. We’re hungry. We have this stupid car…” Janosz looks like he’s going to freak out at the tactic that Manilow has taken.

The guard looks at Manilow’s ID, and gets an astonished look on his face. The guard tells Manilow that he and his guest can pass, and they start walking up the driveway to the White House. Manilow tells Janosz, “See? I told you it would work!”

6:07 am – Audrey still in a daze from being locked in a cage at the zoo, wanders aimlessly down the street. A mugger wielding a knife pulls her into an alley, and we hear a loud scream. Audrey comes walking out of the alley, and we see the would-be mugger sitting on the ground, twitching, repeating the words, “The horror! The horror!” over and over to himself.

6:09 am – Jack and Curtis jog towards the memorial, along with a few other joggers who are out for a morning run. Thankfully, Curtis is back into his regular clothes after having worn the King Tut costume for most of the last hour. They see a jogger running right towards them, but he looks startled and makes a left turn before they can get to him. Curtis reminds Jack that jogging with a gun waving around in his hand is not probably the best thing he can be doing right now. Jack puts the gun away.

6:12 am – As Jack and Curtis pass by 18th street, Julian views them from the bushes he’s hiding in. He makes a phone call to Hollywood. Julian tells Hollywood that the plan has gone horribly wrong, that he just missed getting caught by Jack Bauer, and that he needs a car to get out of there right away. Hollywood tells him to calm down. Julian tells Hollywood that HE should calm down, because HIS brother didn’t just turn into a zombie and start killing people. Hollywood tells Julian to go to a public place and call when he gets there.

6:14 am – Audrey pauses on the streets, not quite sure of where she’s headed. She looks in a shop window, and she sees 20 squirrels all staring at her. Audrey backs up, trips over a garbage can, gets back up and runs screaming down the street. The squirrels in the shop window have now all changed to weather men, since the commercial ended and the TVs are all back to the same morning news program.

6:16 am – Jack and Curtis make their way to the Lincoln Memorial, which is covered by a huge canvas tarp which reads, “Renovation sponsored by The Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. There are trucks, motorcycles and bicycles where the construction workers have parked while the work on the memorial. Jack tells Curtis, “Be very very quiet”. Curtis says, “We’re hunting wabbits?” Jack ignores this, pulls out his gun, and walks up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial. Curtis follows.

6:19 am – Jack and Curtis slip under the canvas tarp, and look around. There is construction equipment everywhere, along with quite an assortment of dead bodies. The dead bodies seem to be missing parts of their heads, where it looks like something tried to eat part of their brains. Curtis thinks this is completely disgusting, and nearly throws up. Jack says this reminds him of what happened after Audrey’s last dinner party, and that pushes Curtis over the edge – he runs back outside and does throw up.

6:21 am – Jack takes a more careful look at the bodies, and realizes that among the construction workers, there are also men in suits who appear to be executives. One of the bodies is clutching a folder which Jack bends down and looks at. It’s labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”.

6:23 am – Audrey, who thinks squirrels are chasing her, runs down the street, screaming. After she runs past the 23rd Starbucks on this street alone, she looks behind her, and doesn’t see any squirrels. She realizes that she’s thirsty and hungry after everything that’s happened today, so she looks in her purse to see if she has any money to buy something from the coffee shop. Her purse contains three Pez dispensers, an ATM card, and a sonic screwdriver from a doctor she briefly dated a couple of hours ago (that’s another story), but no cash. She decides to try to find a bank, and goes off in search of one.

6:22 am – Jack calls Curtis back in. Curtis makes Jack swear that he never mention Audrey’s cooking again, which he does. Jack reads from the folder while Curtis looks around a little more. Jack says that it is a master plan of how the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plans on pushing legislation through Congress, how it plans to install low-low-flow toilets all over the country, and its connections with terrorist organizations that will take over the country once all the toilet installations are complete.

6:25 am – Jack gets to a section of the document that discusses plans on marketing the new low-low-flow toilets. Jack tells Curtis, “It says here that they want to try to win over the American public through clever jingles and by creating a lovable figure at the Lincoln Memorial. UGH! I’m NOT going to tell you what their jingle is; let’s just say it’s a play on the words to the Hokey Pokey, it involves toilets, and leave it at that.”

Curtis says, “Uh, Jack?”

Jack ignores him, and says, “Well, at least they have a “Shake It All About” shield. Disgusting! Anyway, I have to wonder what they’re planning here at the Memorial? We’re going to have to figure out what happened to these people too.”

Curtis says, “JACK!”

Jack says, “What is it? Can’t you see…” Jack looks in the direction Curtis is shining a flashlight. The construction workers were in the process of replacing the statue of Lincoln with an exact duplicate – except it’s sitting on a giant Hokey Pokey Toilet.

6:28 am – They hear a noise coming from near the top of the new statue. Curtis shines the light up to the top. We can see Marwan, his eyes glazed over in white, and he’s trying to gnaw at the head of the statue, trying to get at the brains inside of it. Instantly, Jack starts shooting at Marwan, who doesn’t seem to notice at first, despite getting hit with several bullets. Marwan looks up, and says, “Jack Bauer! How nice of you to attend my breakfast buffet! If I knew you…”

Curtis interrupts, “…were coming you would have baked a cake?”

Marwan continues, “… were going to be here, I would have saved you a spot! Sorry, but I think it’s time for me to leave!” He slides down the back of the statue, out of sight.

6:28 am – Jack reloads his gun as he and Curtis move towards the back of the statue. When they get there, they see an open door behind the statue that leads to the outside. Marwan is gone. Jack and Curtis run to the parking lot, each jump on a motorcycle, which just happen to conveniently have keys in their ignitions. They start the motorcycles, and head north, still searching for where Marwan went.

6:33 am – Manilow and Janosz have actually made their way into the White House, where they’re walking the halls. Manilow attempts to help Janosz speak with less of an accent. Manilow says, “Listen, we’ll have to make up a name for you. Uh… Try ‘Thomas Lennox’. Try saying that.”

Janosz says, “Tomax Lennos. Tomax Lennos.”

6:36 am – Julian is outside of the National Aquarium on a pay phone, speaking with Hollywood. Hollywood tells Julian that he’s going to have to change his name to something non-descript, and go into hiding until they can figure out a plan. Julian thinks a minute, and says, “How about ‘Hamir Al-Assad’? Is that a good name?” Hollywood says, “Sure… If you’re trying to blend in, in the Mideast! That’s not going to work here!” Julian says that he likes the name and is going to keep it, and asks Hollywood to get a car to the National Aquarium immediately.

6:38 am – Jack and Curtis still haven’t been able to find Marwan, so they start to head east. They get a little way down the road, and Curtis notices that the man on the pay phone just up the street has a striking resemblance to Julian. Jack tells him that is only because it IS Julian. Jack speeds up his motorcycle and starts to shoot!

6:38 am (later on that same minute) – Julian sees Jack down the street shooting at him, and runs up the steps to the front door of the aquarium. Jack misses. Julian shoots the glass, and doesn’t even slow down and keeps running as the glass shatters all around him.

6:39 am – Jack continues to drive at stop speed into the Aquarium foyer, where he skids to a halt. Julian has disappeared at the top of a second set of steps. Jack revs the engine, and speeds to the top of the stairs.

6:40 am – Unfortunately, there’s an observation station at the top of the stairs where people can view the tank of a huge shark. Jack doesn’t see this until he barrels over the top of the stars. The front wheel of his motorcycle hits the edge of the observation wall in just the right way so that Jack and his motorcycle hit everything perfectly to jump the shark.

Jack lands on the other side of the tank with just inches to spare. Jack gets off his motorcycle and chases after Julian.

6:41 am – Julian races through the aquarium, and runs through one of the exits. A car pulls up and screeches to a halt. Julian opens the passenger door, jumps in, and yells, “Drive! Drive!” The car’s tires squeal, and it drives off.

6:42 am – Jack bursts through the exit, just in time to see the car drive off. Curtis rounds the building on his motorcycle, and Jack waves him over. He tells Curtis to give him the motorcycle so that he can go after the car. Jack gets on the motorcycle and heads after the car. Curtis runs into the building to get the other motorcycle.

Julian takes a deep breath, ready to yell at the driver, and realizes it’s his brother, Marwan! Marwan does NOT look in any shape to drive, or do much of anything else. He’s gotten considerably paler, and has blood all over him. He turns to Julian and says, “I have the car packed with explosives to defeat Bauer! Brother, join me for life eternal!” Marwan’s maniacal grin is too much for even Julian. Julian opens the passenger door, and jumps out the door as they round a corner! Julian falls out and rolls into some bushes.

6:44 am – Jack rounds the corner, sees the car, but doesn’t see that Julian has jumped out of it. The car continues down the road into an area where they’re doing road construction work. Jack gets on the phone and talks with Curtis as he’s driving to let him know what’s happening.

6:45 am – Jack leans forward on the motorcycle and speeds up. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting, just as the car heads into a construction area, where they’ve unloaded a steam roller that’s doing pothole work further up the road. Several 18-wheelers, a truck carrying plate glass, and an ice cream supply truck, are making their way around either side of the really huge pothole, but they all are currently stopped for a moving company that is working on taking a piano out of a second story window. One of the construction workers has a radio playing. It happens to be turned to WOMI Radio (motto: “Supplying all your ominous foreshadowing music needs”).

Marwan swerves to get out of the way of all the traffic in front of him, only to see traffic from the oncoming lane headed straight for him. He turns to avoid the traffic and the tires on one side of the car hit a small ramp being used to unload supplies from a truck on the side of the road. Marwan’s car goes up on two wheels as it continues to speed down the road. Jack stops the motorcycle, takes careful aim, and shoots the gas tank of the car. The gas tank explodes which sends Marwan’s car high into the air, end over end.

The men with the piano see the car flying through the air, so they make a run for it. The car goes straight through the piano, taking out the lower half of it. Amazingly, it continues to hang from its rope. The car starts to descend, coming close to hitting another truck, this one labeled “ACME Anvils and Ball Bearings”. The truck swerves out of control, sending anvils and ball bearings all over the road. Trucks and cars are spinning everywhere. Marwan’s car spins 180 degrees, and we can see that Marwan is still behind the wheel smiling at Jack, just as a stray anvil goes zooming through the driver’s side of the windshield. The force from the anvil hitting the car is so great that the car lurches backwards right into the huge pothole, making Marwan’s flaming car disappear from view.

Things start to calm down for a few seconds as people scramble to get out of their trucks and cars and to get out of the way. Jack pulls the motorcycle up to the edge of the scene, just as we see Marwan climbing out of the hole! Marwans slips on a couple of the ball bearings, but regains his footing as he pulls out his gun, and tells Jack, “You can’t defeat me!”

Jack raises his gun, and shoots the rope holding the remains of the piano, and which crashes right on top of Marwan, sending him back into the pothole. There’s another loud explosion from what’s left of Marwan’s car. Jack takes several steps towards the pothole, and we see the flaming figure of Marwan start to climb up out of the pothole again!

Jack rolls his eyes and says, “Oh, come ON!” He looks to the side and sees the plate glass truck, which until this point has come through unscathed. He decides to scathe it. Jack shoots at the truck, sending glass fragments everywhere. A very large glass shard slides off the truck and appears to go through Marwan at an angle, but Marwan is still standing! Marwan looks down at himself, starts to laugh, and says, “I’m invincible!”

Marwan raises his gun towards Jack, and says, “Good bye, Mr. Bauer!” He stops suddenly, looks down and says, “Oh oh…”. The top half of Marwan slides off diagonally and rolls into the pothole, leaving his bottom half standing there for a second until it falls into the hole too. Another huge explosion from Marwan’s car sends the ice cream supply truck high into the air.

Jack says, “Goodbye, Marwan”, and shoots the controls at the rear of the asphalt truck. The truck dumps all of its asphalt into the hole, completely covering everything. A huge pile of whipped cream from the ice cream supply truck drops right on top of the asphalt, followed by a the contents of several barrels of sprinkles. A single cherry falls from the sky, and lands right in the middle of the whipped cream.

Jack gets off his motorcycle and tells Curtis that he thinks they’ve finally gotten the Marwans.

6:47 am – Manilow rounds a corner in the White House and comes face to face with Agent Aaron Pierce! Manilow gets a surprised look on his face. He also gets Aaron’s fist planted in his face too. Manilow falls to the ground, and more agents round the corner. In the commotion, Janosz sneaks off down the hallway, and finds an empty office. He closes the door, and starts setting himself up as if he’s always been there.

6:49 am – Curtis is with Jack at the site of the Marwan’s demise. Curtis asks where the Marwan brothers are, and Jack points to the freshly covered pothole. Jack calls Chloe, and tells her that the Marwans are dead, and about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plot. She tells Jack that Bill has already ordered raids of all branches of the company, along with getting a judge to order that all their assets be frozen, and that RoboEdgar has been ordered home. Jack tells her that she did great work today, and that he and Curtis are headed home too.

From a distance, we see Julian on the phone, telling Hollywood that he escaped. He tells Hollywood, “I’m going to get Jack Bauer if it’s the last thing I do”.

6:52 am – Jack tells Curtis that they should get something to eat. Curtis agrees, and tells Jack that he knows of a 24-hour Chinese restaurant that has high-brow karaoke. Jack looks at Curtis like he’s crazy, but Curtis convinces him to go.

6:54 am – Audrey finds a bank. The door is a bit stuck, but she forces it open, and it closes with a loud click behind her. She looks for an ATM, and realizes there isn’t one, so she tries to leave. She starts screaming, but nobody hears her. She’s stuck in there until someone opens up the bank. She settles down and waits for the bank to open so she can conduct her business in some peace and quiet. After all, what could happen while she’s at the bank?

6:56 am – Jack and Curtis enter the Wing Sing Dining Thing restaurant. There’s a very large woman singing in another part of the restaurant. Jack and Curtis order their food. Jack excuses himself, telling Curtis he has to use the little CTU agent’s room.

6:57 am – Jack enters the Men’s bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He briefly attempts to pull the fake beard and mustache off of his face, but it’s still firmly glued there. Jack opens one of the bathroom stalls, and goes in. He turns to close the door, and then quickly turns around again to face the toilet. It’s a low-low-flow toilet from the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company! Jack says, “Oh, no…” just as he gets hit in the head from behind. He falls over. Several Chinese men tie Jack up, grab him by the hands and feet, and carry him out of the bathroom, through the kitchen, and out the back door. The Chinese ambassador is standing next to a limousine with its trunk wide open. They throw Jack into the trunk and slam it shut. The ambassador tells the driver that he wants the entire limousine sent back on the boat, and to not let Jack out of the trunk until they’ve reached China. The limousine drives off. The ambassador gets into another car, and drives off with that too.

6:59 am – Curtis realizes that Jack has been gone a little too long, and goes into the men’s room. The bathroom is empty. He checks the bathroom stalls. He sees that the Jackphone is on the floor next to the low-low-flow toilet and realizes what must have happened, just as the lady in the restaurant stops singing.

7:00 am – That’s all folks!

Thanks to Dave Barry and Judi Smith for letting me post these episodes on the weblog and to everyone that read the story over the last 24 weeks.

Thanks also to my wife Mary and to my friend John, both of whom many good suggestions (and corrections) for many of these episodes.

Last time: Fortunately, Jack failed falling into Niagara Falls. Manilow believed bride brought bail; she bailed. Curtis car cruised, carefully crossing Canada. Maniac Marwans make mucus mortar: Lincoln’s loogie likely – TNT Toilet!

The following occurred between 4 am and 5 am – Time to make the donuts.

4:00 am – The toilet, which is hanging out of Lincoln’s nose by a prima cord like a giant booger, continues to descend. Jack tells Curtis that unless they can stop the Marwan Brothers, Lincoln and the rest of the presidents on Mount Rushmore are going to have their faces blown off the mountain. Jack hops the fence and runs towards the monument, telling Curtis, “If you have a clear shot at the guys in Lincoln’s nose, shoot them!” Curtis says to himself, “That is not a sentence I expected to hear today”.

4:01 am – Jack gets a few hundred feet away from the monument when machine gun fire erupts from the top of Washington’s head. Jack dives for cover and yells to Curtis to cover him. Jack waits for the Curtis to start shooting, but nothing happens. He looks over and sees Curtis desperately looking for his gun. Jack waits and makes a mad dash for a boulder nearly beneath Lincoln’s nose. Jack takes careful aim and shoots. The thug lowering the toilet is hit, and he falls from Lincoln’s nose. It’s about this time that Jack realizes that his expert aim has taken out the bad guy, but he forgot to completely think this through since the explosive laden toilet is now falling towards the ground, and will impact very close to him.

4:02 am – Jack starts shooting. A bullet hits the toilet in midair and it explodes. Jack dives for cover while pieces of toilet fall around him. Marwan yells that Jack looks a little flushed, laughs, and disappears over the top of Washington’s head.

4:03 am – Somewhere outside of Las Vegas, the limousine that took ex-President Manilow stops by the side of the road. We can hear a loud whining noise, which turns out to be Manilow. Two men dressed in black suits get out with Manilow, and they move to the back of the car. They open the trunk and shove him inside. We continue to hear muffled whining noises from Manilow as the two men take out the earplugs they were wearing. One of them looks at the other and says, “I don’t think that guy is ever going to shut up”. Someone inside the limo tells them to hurry up, which they do. The limo drives off.

4:06 am – Jack has walked back to where Curtis and RoboEdgar are standing, and Curtis gives Jack a weak smile. Jack asks why Curtis didn’t shoot, and Curtis explains that he must have left his gun in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile back at the Grand Canyon. Curtis turns and says, “RoboEdgar, I left my gun in the Wienermobile. I want you to go get it, and bring it to me”. RoboEdgar salutes Curtis, and blasts off.

Commercial

4:12 am – Jack and Curtis arrive at their car in the parking lot. Curtis is just about to open the door to the car when Jack tells him to stop. Jack tells Curtis that he thinks the car is booby trapped. Curtis asks Jack why he thinks that. Jack says, “Number one, we’ve been away from our car for a while. Number two, the Marwans have been trying to kill me all day now. Number three, the entire passenger seat is filled with explosives.

4:14 am – The Marwan brothers are driving down the road. They’re alone in the car; all the thugs are gone. Marwan is laughing manically. He stops, reads a little more out of the book he’s holding (“How to Laugh Like a Criminal Mastermind”), and tries to laugh again. Julian interrupts him and reminds Marwan that there isn’t another Thugmart within a thousand miles of here, and that it’s going to be impossible to get more thugs before daybreak.

4:16 am – Jack is on the JackPhone using the speaker phone feature with Chloe, trying to figure out what to do next. Curtis writes notes about what Chloe is saying. Curtis drops his pen, and when he bends down to retrieve it, he finds something lying on the ground beneath the car. Curtis tells Jack that he thinks he found a clue. Jack asks how he knows it’s a clue, and Curtis holds up a box for the game Clue. Jack says that the Marwans are nothing if not subtle. They carefully open the box, and find a map sitting inside. It’s got the Indianapolis Motor Speedway circled.

4:18 am – Curtis says, “Well, that’s great. We know where they’re probably headed, but we have no way of getting there.” Jack agrees, and asks Chloe for her advice. Chloe says that Jack should do what he always does. Jack looks at Curtis, and Curtis says, “She’s right, Jack.” Jack shrugs, pulls out his gun and shoots the car in the approximate area where its thigh would be, if cars actually had thighs, and then says that he’s not sure how that will help.

4:20 am – Jack decides that the best thing they can do at this point is go to the main road and try to flag down a passing motorist. Curtis starts to say something about not having a flag, but thinks better of it when he realizes what kind of mood that Jack is in at the moment.

4:22 am – A semi driving down the road stops when Jack and Curtis wave it down. The passenger side opens up, and they’re surprised to find a large orangutan sitting there grinning at them. The driver says, “Oh, don’t mind Clyde. He won’t hurt you.” Jack and Curtis look at each other and tell the driver that they made a mistake. The driver says, “Suit yourself”, the orangutan shuts the door, and the truck drives off.

4:24 am – As luck would have it, the very next truck that passes by stops too. Jack and Curtis go to the passenger side, and when the door opens, a chimpanzee is sitting there. Jack and Curtis look exasperated. The driver says, “Oh, don’t mind Bear. He won’t hurt you.” Curtis says, “What is it with truckers and monkeys tonight?”, and looks at Jack. Jack says, “I think we should take it. I don’t even want to know what’s going to be in the next truck.” The driver introduces himself as Billy Joe McKay. Jack tells Billy Joe that they’re from CTU, and that he’d appreciate it if they could get to Indianapolis as soon as possible. Jack says that he’d like to see about “Curtis-izing” the engine.

Commercial

4:31 am – In what seems like no time at all, we see the same truck barreling down 16th Street in Indianapolis. It pulls into the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. They drive over to the pit area where the pit crews are preparing stock car time trials later that day. The truck pulls to a stop, and immediately a pit crew comes out of no where and starts jacking up the cab of the truck so that all the tires can be pulled off. Suddenly endorsement stickers are plastered all over the windshield of the truck, and they can’t see through the windows anymore.

4:33 am – Billy Joe gets out of the truck, and is immediately surrounded by a group of people who put endorsement stickers all over him too. Jack rolls down the window of the truck, shoots his gun off into the air, and yells, “STOP!”. The pit crew and guys with the endorsement stickers all apologize and tell Jack that they’re sorry, but it’s just force of habit.

4:34 am – Jack uses the Jack phone to tell Chloe to upload a picture of the Marwan brothers to his JackPhone. Jack shows everyone the picture of Marwan and his brother, and asks if anyone has seen them. They all stare at the picture. Jack tells them that these two are international terrorists, and need to be found immediately. One of the crew guys pipes up and asks Jack why two little boys would be considered terrorists. Jack looks at the picture he’s been showing, and it’s shows the Marwans as children at the beach standing next to a sandcastle with lit dynamite stuffed into its sides, and the caption “Good Times. Good Times.” Curtis takes one look at the picture and tells Jack, “If you think I’m going to do a Jimmy Walker impression right now, you’re crazy”.

4:36 am – As they’re standing there, a car goes zooming past them on the track. One of the crew guys says that car isn’t supposed to be out on the track this early. Jack looks at the car with his binoculars, and sees that the car is covered with Hokey Pokey Toilet Company endorsement stickers. The car circles around and enters pit row. Instead of slowing down to stop, it shifts into high gear and heads straight for them.

4:37 am – Curtis yells, “Run for cover!” and most of the pit crew immediately dive over a wall next to them. Jack says, “Not this time” and steps out onto the pit roadway right into the path of the car. The car adjusts to drive right to where Jack is standing. Jack pulls out his gun and shoots the driver side window three times, but the car keeps coming.

4:38 am – Jack gives a surprised look to his gun for a split second, and then dives out of the way just as the car passes. The car skids sideways as it slams on its breaks, attempting to turn back around to take another run at Jack. Jack shoots twice. One of the bullets hits the car in the gas tank. The car blows up in spectacular explosion, sending metal and endorsement stickers all over the track. One of the stickers hits Curtis smack in the mouth and he falls over backwards from the force of it.

4:39 am – Marwan, still in another car with Julian, slams his fist into the screen of the remote control device he’s holding, and yells a word too naughty to be printed on this portion of the Internet. Julian tells him to never mind Jack Bauer, since they still have to find the secret formula that will help Marwan stop from becoming a zombie.

4:41 am – Curtis attempts to pull the sticker off his face while Jack goes to see if everyone is all right. Curtis tries to yell something, but it’s muffled because of the sticker on his mouth. Jack says, “Cleaner?” Curtis shakes his head and points to the sky. Jack looks and sees what looks like a blimp off in the distance, some miles north of them. Jack stares for a moment and says, “That’s the weirdest looking blimp I’ve ever seen…” Billy Joe says, “If I didn’t know better, I would say that’s the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile!” Jack and Curtis’s eyes go wide. At that moment, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile tilts in an odd way, and suddenly plummets to the ground. Curtis says, “Oh no! He dropped it!”

4:43 am – Jack asks one of the pit crew guys to borrow one of the stock cars. The pit crew guy points at a car in the far end of the pit, and says, “Take that one. No one ever wants to use that one.” Jack and Curtis run for the car.

4:44 am – The camera pans to the streets of Indianapolis which are relatively quiet at this time in the morning. Suddenly there’s a loud engine revving noise, and a pink Mary Kay Cosmetics stock car comes zooming out of the Speedway, headed back down 16th street to the highway.

Commercial

4:47 am – Chloe is on the phone with Jack. She tells him that Curtis should take the next exit, because that’s where RoboEdgar’s signal is coming from. Jack asks where they are, and Chloe tells them they’re in a town called “Fishers”. Curtis drives through a neighborhood to some homes in the back, where they find the Wienermobile has landed in the front yard of a house. RoboEdgar is standing in front of the house with the home’s owner, John, along with many other people in the cul-de-sac where the Wienermobile landed. Curtis asks Edgar, “Why didn’t you just get my gun like I asked?” Jack puts his hand on Curtis’s shoulder, and says, “You said, ‘RoboEdgar, I left my gun in the Wienermobile. I want you to go get it, and bring it to me’, and that’s exactly what he tried to do.” Curtis smacks himself on the forehead, and tells himself to be more specific next time. As Curtis retrieves his gun, Jack goes to John and tells him that if he ever wondered what happened to the Wienermobile, now he has one of his very own.

4:49 am – A loud scream comes out of the speaker on Jack’s phone, which startles Jack. It’s Chloe. She says, “I hate it when you stop talking to me right in the middle of a conversation. She says, “They’re headed for Chicago for the Field Museum.” Jack tells Curtis this and tells RoboEdgar to follow them.

4:50 am – While they’re headed to Chicago, Jack looks out his window for RoboEdgar to make sure he’s still following them, but Jack doesn’t see him. RoboEdgar has disappeared again.

4:52 am – Curtis’ amazing driving powers are once again in effect, and they arrive in Chicago despite having to drive the Indiana Toll Road and its construction. However, despite having made such great time getting there, Jack and Curtis are now stopped on the highway in Chicago. Curtis starts to freak out a little bit about being stopped on the highway. Jack tries to calm him down. Jack tells Curtis that this is the “traffic jam” that he talked about before. Curtis stammers that he thought Jack was just making that up as a scary story, and asks for it to just go away. Jack tells him that there’s nothing he can do about it.

4:55 am – Suddenly, we hear a loud crash behind the car. Jack looks back, and sees RoboEdgar, who appears to have stopped by a White Castle on this way to Chicago, because he’s holding about fifty of White Castle Hamburgers with one of his arms. RoboEdgar waves at Jack.

4:57 am – Curtis is still shaking as Jack tells RoboEdgar to get them all to the Field Museum. RoboEdgar reaches down, lifts the car up with one hand and deftly balancing the White Castle hamburgers in the other, takes off towards the museum. Curtis looks genuinely relieved.

4:58 am – They land on the front steps of the Field Museum, and a traffic officer is already there writing a ticket for the Marwan Brother’s car, which is next to the front steps. The Marwans are nowhere to be seen. The officer warns them not to park there, and Jack flashes his badge as he heads for the museum entrance.

4:59 am – Standing outside of the museum looking in, Jack sees the Marwans inside, running towards the back of the museum. They disappear around a corner.

5:00 am – Time’s up!

Last time: Curtis and Jack arrived at the Grand Canyon via the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile just in time to find an explosive-packed toilet in the middle of the tarp that covers the Grand Canyon at night. Ex-President Manilow tried to avoid being confronted by the police at a crime scene, by stealing the headdress of a dancer in Las Vegas. Bill came back to CTU, re-re-re-replacing Madam Haig. Chloe discovered that the Marwans are using the Hokey Pokey toilet company to try to cause riots throughout the nation by installing lo-lo flow toilets at historic monuments and other places where large groups of people gather. Jack and Curtis follow the Marwan brothers to Niagara Falls. The Marwans planned on causing great damage to the falls by setting off a series of explosive charges, but were interrupted by Jack. Jack in turn was interrupted from remaining steady on the wires he was standing on. Marwan has just cut the second wire, which Jack and two of the thugs, who are carrying a toilet packed with explosives, have been hanging onto.

The following occurred between 3 am and 4 am, and is brought to you buy the letters “A”, “E”, “I”, “O”, “U”, and sometimes “Y”.

3:00 am – For the first half of a split second, it occurs to Jack that he really needs to watch more Looney Tunes cartoons, because being able to defy gravity after that rope was cut would come in really handy right about now. The rest of the split second is completely full of Jack thinking a really dirty word as he and the thugs, plus the toilet, fall into the water. The water and Jack are rapidly (no pun intended) headed for the waterfall itself. Marwan laughs as he disappears into the night on the other side of the falls.

Curtis sees Jack fall into the water and tells RoboEdgar to get into the water. RoboEdgar says, “No tanks; Edgar had baff dis week.” Curtis tells him that he meant go get Jack out of the water.

3:01 am – Jack has somehow held onto the wire that was over his head and is trying to pull himself along the wire to safety. The two thugs that were carrying the explosive laden toilet are headed to the edge. Jack struggles with the wire, pausing to try and catch is breath. Suddenly, the wire gives a violent tug and begins rapidly heading for shore. A large explosion goes off sending water high into the sky as the explosive laden toilet hits the rocks near the edge of the falls.

3:02 am – RoboEdgar has attached the end of the wire to a spool that is attached to his forearm and is reeling in Jack. Jack makes it to shore and lets go of the wire. His hands are covered with blood and he has cuts where he was holding on to the wire.

3:03 am – Julian, Marwan, and the remaining thugs are running through the woods trying to make it back to the car they have there. The car is parked right next to a large truck labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. The slogan underneath says, “Yes, it really is what it’s all about.” They pile into the car and drive off.

3:05 am – Ex-President Manilow, in full dancer head dress, sits inside a jail cell in Los Vegas. His escape attempt at the site of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile theft was about as opposite of successful as he could have hoped. The other prisoners in the cell are all packed tightly into the opposite corner, trying to avoid eye contact with Manilow.

Outside of the police station where Manilow is being held, some of Manilow’s followers holding signs and chanting. After a few minutes of confusion when they were chanting for his execution, they realize their mistake and start chanting for his release.

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3:12 am – Curtis is bandaging Jack’s hands using a handy first aid kit that RoboEdgar produced from his other forearm. Curtis tells Jack that he really likes his jack knife, which almost makes Jack slug Curtis until he realizes he wasn’t talking about the dive into the water, but the knife that Jack is carrying. Curtis borrows it and cuts the gauze to finish bandaging Jack’s hand.

Jack tells Curtis they need to get onto the Marwan brothers trail again as soon as possible. Curtis looks hesitant about taking another flight via RoboEdgar, but Jack tells him that it’s either that or they can swim across the water. Curtis decides the flight won’t be that bad.

3:14 am – Julian and Marwan are driving at high speed down a rural highway. They pass a sign that says, “Speed limit is like 100 kph, eh?” Marwan asks his brother about the “cure” that he mentioned before. Julian tells him that they’ll get to that soon enough. Marwan turns to the two thugs in the back seat, and leers at them. The thugs start shaking uncontrollably.

3:16 am – The guard at the jail says, “Manilow, you have a visitor”. It’s his wife Martha with several Secret Service agents. She tells him, “Well, well… How the mighty have fallen!” He tries to lunge at her through the bars, but the chin strap on the headdress slips and starts to choke him.

He decides to change tactics, and says, “Martha, won’t you be a dear and pay my bail money? I don’t have the dough to pay them. If you don’t have it, you might be able to use your female persuasiveness on them.” One of Manilow’s cellmates pipes up and says, “Dough? From a dear? A female dear”? The rest the guys in the cell sing, “Ray – a drop of golden sun!” Manilow turns and tells them to shut up. When he turns back, Martha tells him, “You got into this mess — you get yourself out of it.” She leaves.

3:18 am – Curtis, Jack and RoboEdgar are running through the forest in the general direction that the Marwans went. Jack’s JackPhone starts to gurgle, and Jack realizes that he’s got an incoming phone call. He shakes the phone several times to get the excess water out of it, and surprisingly, it still works. It’s Chloe. Jack explains the situation to her, and that they’re now in Canada chasing after the Marwans. Chloe tells Jack that they better get out of Canada soon, because if they’re caught, the US government will have a hard time explaining what they’re doing up there.

3:20 – The group runs into a clearing, and they see the abandoned Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck. Next to it, there are two guys having a beer, pointing out features on the truck. One of them turns and says, “How’s it going, eh?” Jack pulls his gun out and tells them to get down on the ground. The other guy punches the first and says, “I told you we shouldn’t have look at this thing here! You hoser! We could be back at camp drinking a beer, eh?” They completely ignore Jack as they argue with each other. Jack figures that they must not be with the Marwans, so he lowers his gun.

3:22 am – The two guys introduce themselves as brothers Bob and Doug. Jack asks if they saw anyone else come through the area. Doug tells him that a bunch of guys came through, and he heard them say they were going to head to Saskatchewan and then take a left. Curtis comes back around from the other side of the truck and says that it’s empty, but he has RoboEdgar loaded up in back since he’s really filthy. Jack thanks the brothers, and they drive off in the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck.

3:24 am – A cell phone on the dash board of the Marwan brother’s car rings, and Marwan picks it up. It’s the Hollywood-Looking Terrorist Guy (HLTG). HLTG starts yelling at Marwan for diverting from the plan. Marwan waits until HLTG is finished, and then tells him that after he’s done with Jack Bauer, he’ll be out to find HLTG for botching up bring him back from the dead. HLTG hurriedly hangs up the phone.

3:26 am – Marwans drive over the word “Canada”, a white line, and then the words “United States”. They pass a sign with the words “Welcome to North Dakota” written on it.

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3:32 am – Jack and Curtis are stopped at a border check point. A customs officer says she is very surprised to see that they’re not carrying illegal toilets, but that they do have a very messy RoboEdgar in the back of the truck. Curtis says that they should have had RoboEdgar fly the Wienermobile with them, because it would have been a lot easier to get through the border crossing.

RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again while he’s waiting for them to finish. The customs officer asks that he not do that. She asks for Jack’s license and registration, and Jack flashes his CTU badge. RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again. She pulls a gun on RoboEdgar who seems completely oblivious to it. She yells to Jack that RoboEdgar has to stop that. Jack yells back to ask why she pulled a gun, and she tells him that they are required to pull guns on dirty double crossers.

3:35 am – The Marwans drive further south into North Dakota, and one of the thugs asks why there’s a “North Dakota” and “South Dakota” but no “North Minnesota” and “South Minnesota”. Another thug punches him in the arm and tells him not to upset Marwan.

3:37 am – Curtis and Jack finally straighten everything out with the customs agents, and are allowed to enter the United States with RoboEdgar. They finally convinced the customs agents by telling them the amount of beer RoboEdgar could consume, and doing a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation about how long it would take for Canada to run out of beer.

3:40 am – A police officer comes up to Manilow’s cell and tells him that he’s finally free to go. Manilow tries to walk out of the cell but forgets to turn his head; the headdress gets caught on the bars on either side of the doorway, and he lands flat on the ground.

The police officer helps him up. Manilow takes off the headdress as he’s leaving the building and walks up to a limousine that he assumes is for him. A window rolls down. Manilow looks in, says, “YOU!” and before he knows it he’s pulled through the window and into the limo. The limo’s tires squeal as it drives off.

3:44 am – Chloe calls Jack and tells him that she has more information about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. From what she’s been able to tell, it’s a subsidiary of the “Bada Bing Fireworks Conglomerate”. She tells Jack that the head of that company is none other than Bada Bing KaChing, the guy they saw in San Francisco. She says that CTU is still looking for him, and that besides the whole lo-lo toilet scam, they’re apparently trying to booby trap the tourist sites to cause a lot of damage and casualties. That was probably why the Marwans attempted a nuclear weapon detonation at The Herald Hunt earlier that day, and the attempts at the Grand Canyon, and Niagara Falls.

3:46 am – Just as the Marwans pass into South Dakota, Marwan tells Julian to pull the car over because he wants to try something. The thugs in the back seat get really wide-eyed and look worried. Marwan gets out of the car, and crosses over into a field where there are a bunch of cows just standing there. He pushes really hard on one and it falls over. He turns and yells back to Julian, “Did you see that? I’ve always wanted to try that!” The cow stands up and snorts. Marwan looks at the cow, and realizes it’s not a cow at all – it’s a bull! He runs for the car and barely gets inside as the bull smashes against the car. Julian is able to pull away from the curb and tells Marwan not to try something like that again.

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3:53 am – Julian and Marwan are talking. Marwan says, “So you’re honestly telling me, they have perfectly good mountains in this country, and they’re carving into them? They not only carving into them, but putting giant faces on them? What kind of a crazy country is this?” Julian says that they’ve arrived, and they need to hurry up. Everyone gets out of the car and they start running up a path to the mountain.

3:55 am – Through Curtis’ amazing driving skills, the truck arrives just moments after the Marwans and the thugs disappear up the path. They all get out to look around, but don’t see anything except the car the Marwans left behind.

3:57 am – Curtis tells Jack that they’re going to need to find some lights to see what they’re doing. They go over to a building. The door is locked, so Jack kicks the door in. They go further inside and find an electrical panel. They throw the switch, and lights go on outside. They’re at Mount Rushmore.

3:59 am – “It’s very quiet. Almost TOO quiet”, says Curtis. Jack tells him to shut up and listen. They hear a noise. They look around. Jack scans everything with his Jack Binoculars. Curtis yells, “Oh, yuck!” Lincoln has a booger hanging out his nose! Jack zooms in on Lincoln’s noise with the Jack Binoculars. He says, “That’s no booger! That’s toilet hanging from explosive detonation cord!”

4:00 am – Time’s up!

Last time: RoboEdgar came in for a landing at Area 51, where Jack and Curtis met a mysterious guy named Fox. Fox flew them to Las Vegas, where they searched for sign of the Marwans. Ex-president Manilow went to Las Vegas to escape from his troubles in LA, just in time to get punched in the nose by Barry Manilow. Chloe told Jack and Curtis that the Marwans might have headed up to the Grand Canyon. Jack and Curtis “borrowed” the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile to get there, since they didn’t have a working car of their own.

And…. What about Naomi?

The following occurred between 2 am and 3 am, and that’s our story, so we’re sticking to it.

2:00 am – Curtis and Jack are clearly having a good time freaking out people that are driving down the highway. Curtis making siren noises using the loud speaker, and Jack snaps pictures using the camera in the Jackphone as people pull over. Jack tells Curtis he’s going to make a collage of all the pictures for his office at CTU when this is all over. They both decide that they better concentrate on getting to the Grand Canyon after they nearly destroy a bridge they only barely pass under.

2:02 am – Marwan, Julian and the remaining thugs have unpacked the car, and the thugs are carrying a large metal box as they make their way through the forest. They sneak up to a security station at the entrance of the park and find a sleeping guard in the booth. Marwan can’t resist writing “Ask me about my nap” on the guard’s forehead. They make their way past the security station and go further into the park.

2:04 am – Chloe gets a phone call from the guards at the front entrance of CTU, and they ask her to sign someone in. Chloe asks why they’re calling her, and they tell her that she’s the closest thing to someone in charge at this time of night.

2:06 am – Manilow, still staggering around after getting punched in the nose, wanders out of the hotel and onto the Las Vegas strip. A bunch of people are in the parking lot and there are several police cars there. Manilow sees the police and starts to head in the other direction when one of the officers flags him down. One of the midnight shows at the hotel is just letting out now, and the parking lot is getting a lot more crowded. Even the band and some of the showgirls come outside to see what’s going on.

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2:11 am – Jack calls Chloe to find out if she has any additional information. She tells him that Bill is back and he’s taking over for Madam Haig again. Chloe also tells him that she has some infrared satellite imagery that shows there is some activity around the Grand Canyon. She tells them it’s going to be a little tough for them to see what’s going on because there are so few lights around the Grand Canyon at night.

2:12 am – Chloe hands the phone to Bill, who asks Jack why they haven’t arrived at the Grand Canyon yet, since Curtis is usually such a fast driver. Jack decides not to tell Bill about their escapades on the highway, says that the connection is breaking up and hangs up.

2:14 am – The Marwan brothers direct some of thugs to move the box they’re carrying into the center of a large, flat, open area, while several others remain behind. It’s very dark, so we can only see the outlines. Julian walks up to one of the thuggish outlines and explains in great detail how he wants them to go man a helicopter that supposed to be nearby. Marwan calls his brother over and points out that Julian has spent the last several minutes talking to a tree.

2:16 am – The police question Manilow, who seems none too happy to be there. One of the people in the parking lot finds something on the ground. Manilow sees his chance. He sneaks up behind one of the showgirls, pulls off her headdress and puts it on himself. The cap slips over his eyes and he slowly starts trying to move away from the scene, thinking that he has the perfect disguise.

2:18 am – Jack and Curtis arrive at the guard station, just as the guard wakes up. Jack asks about the unique tattoo on the guard’s forehead, but the guard has no idea what he’s talking about. In fact, he seems really determined to let Jack and Curtis know, in no uncertain terms, that the Grand Canyon Park is closed, trying to act really intimidating. During this fit of security guard machoness, Jack flashes his CTU badge, pulls out his gun, and tells the guard that the park just re-opened. The guard quickly agrees. They take the guard with them as they enter the park.

2:20 am – Jack and Curtis make their way through the park’s pathways. They look around and don’t see anything unusual. They pass by a visitor station which is under construction except for the bathrooms, which are open. Curtis excuses himself, and goes in. About three seconds later, we hear Curtis yell. He’s completely disgusted to find out the toilets are the 0.8 gallon models.

2:21 am – Jack’s phone rings. It’s Chloe. She said that RoboEdgar should be nearby, because they just received a message from one of the Department of Natural Resources rangers that a giant robot just attacked a campsite, but took nothing but ‘Smores.

Jack says that doesn’t really help him find out where the Marwan brothers are. Chloe tells him that if he would have let her finish, she would have been able to tell him that they just got a series of demands from the Marwans. Jack says go ahead and finish, so Chloe tells him, “OK, that’s better. We just got a series of demands from the Marwans”. From the look on Chloe’s face, if Jack had been there, she would have tasered him.

2:22 am – Jack is still trying to talk to Chloe when there’s a very loud noise, and RoboEdgar drops in for a landing. Jack asks RoboEdgar, “Have you seen the Marwans? Go find the Marwans!” Chloe tells Jack, “Why don’t you ask him if they fell down a well so you can follow him? He’s not Lassie, Jack!” RoboEdgar finishes the last of a ‘Smore and shrugs his shoulders.

2:23 am – Jack asks what the demands are, and Chloe says, “They want you to go out to a large box they have out there. It’s supposed to have further instructions.” Jack asks how they got the message to CTU, and Chloe said that they had rigged some sort of advertisement to pop up on her screen while she was surfing the public internet for information about how everything is connected. She said that she had to close the window about 57 times for it to finally go away.

2:24 am – The group makes their way to the end of the pathway they were standing on. There’s an eerie silence, and in the distance they can see a plain box in the middle of a field. Jack says that there’s something weird going on, and Curtis asks him yet again if he’s been paying any attention at all to what’s been happening during this whole day. Jack says, “That’s not what I mean….. Isn’t this supposed to be a lookout point for the Grand Canyon? Where did the canyon go??”

2:26 am – The guard that’s with them looks at them like they’re morons. The guard tells them that they cover the Grand Canyon up at night so that it doesn’t get dirty. The flat field they’ve been looking at is actually a giant tarp that’s stretched over the canyon, and that box is sitting out in the middle of it. Jack tells RoboEdgar to stay with the guard, and turns on a portable flashlight. Jack and Curtis start to make their way to the box in the distance.

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2:32 am – Jack and Curtis are pretty close to the box now, so Jack’s pulled out his JackPhone, presses a few buttons and waves it towards the box. He tells Curtis that there aren’t and radiation readings coming from the box, so they’re safe. Curtis tells Jack that they’re standing in the middle of a tarp stretched over the Grand Canyon, and that this must be some strange definition of the word “safe” that he wasn’t previously aware of. Jack tells Curtis he’s been reading too much “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and asks him to help open the box.

2:33 am – They lift the lid off the wooden crate after a bit of trouble, and discover a 0.8 gallon toilet inside the box, and recoil in horror. There’s a note inside that says, “Goodbye, Mr. Bauer”. Curtis asks what that noise is, and Jack realizes that while they’re completely safe from any sort of radiation poisoning, they’re distinctly unsafe from the large amount of explosives packed around the toilet in the box.

2:34 am – Jack and Curtis start to make a run for the edge of the canyon, and a Black Bad-Guy Helicopter comes out of nowhere, shining a light right at Jack and Curtis. It starts shooting its guns and either through luck or incredibly bad aim, the bullets aren’t coming anywhere near them. Curtis starts to laugh and tells Jack that the pilots need some remedial “Bad Guy on the Shooting Range” time, and Jack says that they’re not trying to shoot at them – they’re shooting that the toilet packed with explosives.

Jack pulls out his gun and starts shooting at the guy manning the machine gun on the helicopter. The guy gets hit in the shoulder, and falls out of the helicopter. He hits the tarp, and bounces back up again. Curtis says, “Lucky for him that tarp is springy”. The guy flies all the way back up to the helicopter, and right into the blades, cutting him into bad guy cold cuts. Jack tells Curtis that he’s not going to be able to eat at a deli for a while, and Curtis agrees.

2:36 am – Another thug goes to the opposite side of the helicopter to continue to shoot. This guy has a lot better aim. A bullet hits the toilet box that is packed with explosives. It blows up, sending the toilet high into the air, narrowly missing the helicopter. The tarp buckles and begins to fall down into the canyon.

The helicopter circles as the thug at the gun turns his attention to Jack and Curtis, who are now frantically trying to get off the tarp back onto solid ground. The thug gets them in his gun sights. At this moment, gravity rears its ugly head and the previously carefree and airborne toilet decides to come in for a landing, right through the top of the helicopter. The last thing we see before the helicopter explodes is the toilet sitting in the seat that had moments before been occupied by the gunner.

2:38 am – Jack and Curtis just make it to the edge, as the tarp they had just been running on descends into the Grand Canyon, parts of it in flames where the helicopter went down. The guard doesn’t look at all pleased with this situation and asks how in the heck he’s going to explain what happened here. Jack pats him on the shoulder and tells him to tell the truth, because he’s sure that someone will believe him.

2:44 am – Jack calls CTU to tell Bill what happened. Bill asks, “Who is this really?” which makes Jack a bit upset. Bill tells him to calm down, and that it was obviously a trap set by the Marwan brothers, Jack says, “NO! You think?” and rolls his eyes.

2:45 – Bill tells Jack that Chloe has a satellite tracking the Marwans. They’ve gotten a hold of an airplane on the other side of the canyon. Bill says, “Through an amazingly complicated computer algorithm, good old fashioned detective work, and some plain out right lucky guesses, Chloe has determined that they’re headed to another great national treasure, Niagara Falls.” Jack points out that technically Niagara Falls is shared by the United States and Canada, and Bill tells him that he knows that, but that would have ruined his little speech.

2:46 – Chloe presses the speaker button on the CTU phone, and tells Jack that she thinks that she knows what the Marwans are up to. They’re trying to destroy popular places where crowds gather, while at the same time trying to keep people pre-occupied with low-low low-flush toilets. If people are busy trying to flush toilets all the time, and others are standing in line waiting, riots are going to start breaking out all over the country. Everything will go into complete chaos. Chloe says that it sounds every bit as crazy as a Schoenberg concert. Jack says that it doesn’t sound like much of a plan. Chloe adds that in the midst of all this, they’re trying to kill Jack too. Jack says he doesn’t like that plan either.

2:47 – Chloe suggests that RoboEdgar fly Jack and Curtis to Niagara Falls to head off the Marwans. Curtis looks none too pleased by this turn of events, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. Before Curtis realizes what’s happening, RoboEdgar grabs both Jack and Curtis, blasts off and head for Niagara Falls.

Just as they disappear into the night sky, several Department of Natural Resources trucks pull up, some officers get out, and the security guard starts to try to explain everything that just happened.

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2:51 am – Curtis and Jack arrive at Niagara Falls, in incredibly good time, even for this show. RoboEdgar lands at a railing right near the falls, and nearly slips almost dragging them all in. Jack suggests to RoboEdgar that he get some better shoes. Curtis wonders if they make sneakers that big.

2:52 am – Jack and Curtis look around, trying to figure out what the Marwans are up to. Curtis says it would probably help them a lot if they could find someone to turn off the water to the falls for a while.

There are a lot of lights on turned on, even this early in the morning and it doesn’t take them too long to realize that something is going on at the top of the Falls.

2:54 am – Two groups of thugs are trying to balance on a wire that’s stretched across Niagara Falls. They’re walking on one wire from the opposite side of the Falls while holding on to a wire above them. Each group tries to carry a toilet between them. A toilet that looks very much like the one that Jack and Curtis saw at the Grand Canyon. They’re trying to carry them to hooks in the middle of the bottom wire, just above the rushing water.

Curtis points out that those guys are going to be in a lot of trouble for trying to smuggle a toilet into the country. Jack says that if the bombs explode, it’s going to be really catastrophic for Niagara Falls.

2:56 am – Jack runs to the opposite side, realizes he has to go on the wire because just cutting it will make the bombs drop and will set everything off. Curtis tries to yell for him to stop, but Jack heads out on the wire just as orchestra music wells up very loudly. Curtis turns to tell RoboEdgar to quit messing around with the sound system because today he’s really sick of hearing that happen every time something really dramatic happens.

2:58 am – Jack tries to yell to the thugs that they have to get off the wire right away, but the roar of the water falls is so great that he can’t be heard. Since Jack isn’t carrying anything he makes it to the middle of the line pretty quickly, and looks up to see Marwan with a huge grin on his face, standing at the end of the wire. Marwan waves at Jack, holds up some wire cutters, and cuts the line.

2:59 am – The wire snaps, and two of the thugs immediately go into the water with their toilet. It impacts, and explodes, sending a huge plume of water straight up into the air. The other two thugs, their toilet and Jack are hanging from the top wire. Marwan reaches up, and cuts the top wire.

3:00 am – Time’s up!