Previously on “24”, we discovered: It’s possible to have a twenty minute gunfight without actually shooting anyone; CTU has cases and cases of glowsticks available, just in case an EMP goes off; If you have HUGE airducts, it’s possible to fit bodies in them; Chloe is extremely serious about tech support; Dana is a mole, and not the “What? I can’t see?” kind – she’s the “the writers couldn’t think of anything else to do” kind.
The following takes place between 5:00 am and 6:00 am
5:00 am – Jack sits an ambulance with an attendant that just can’t believe Jack was able to ingest the bullets, spit them out and only appear to have minor bruising. Jack assures him this is because of his superior Bauer Powers.
As Jack leaves, he encounters Renee, who he tells to contact Chloe to get some pictures of the area. Renee was particularly helpful last hour when she ended a twenty minute gun fight with three bullets. Jack tells a helicopter to stand by, because he hasn’t quite determined whether he’s going to take it, or whether he’ll finally reveal his ability to fly.
5:01 am – At CTU, they’re looking at pictures from just moments ago. The pictures are of Samir hasand his gang unloading those nuclear rods into the trunk of a Yellow Cab. The last time someone put something radioactive in the back of a car like that, Emilo Estevez flew a car out of the area, so people are on the lookout, just in case.
While this is going on, Dana comes back, using one of those “I Just Killed a Guy” wipes, but nobody sees this; they’re too busy concentrating on the new terrorist scrapbook Chloe is making with all the pictures she’s downloading from the NSA.
Arlo of all people suspends his stalking duties, and announces he’s found the Yellow Cab they’re looking for, out of the one bazillion Yellow Cabs in the Greater New York area. Chloe points out that “Greater New York area” is an oxymoron, but no one notices.
Dana, who has the world’s loudest whisper, is secretly (kind of) on the phone with Samir and tells him that the cab has been spotted. She’s giving them turn by turn directions like a really twisted version of that lady who talks on a GPS. She uses a bit of her CTU Technology Kung Fu to change all the computers to a UHF channel, so they only show snow.
This gives Samir enough time to get away, by the time the video comes back. Hastings is really bent out of shape about this, and decides to tattletale on everyone for losing the cab. He goes off to call the President, who I’m sure would like to be informed that the only thing they have to do is search one bazillion Yellow Cabs.
Now that the coast is clear, Samir wants Dana to send him all the NYPD patrol patterns, including all the doughnut joints they hang out in. Dana is a little reluctant because including the doughnut places would increase the size of the file to about 37 Terabytes. He’s really insistent, and she very pointedly points out that that’s not the point. Her instructions, which were given to her by yet ANOTHER yet to be revealed mole, were to give Samir instructions, but not blow her cover.
5:06 am – Hastings calls Mrs. President with the bad news: “24” has been canceled, and this will be the last season it is on the air. Oh, and they lost the nuclear fuel rods. Ethan actually asks “Are you sure? How good is your intelligence?” Hastings shows remarkable self control by not answering, “Are you kidding me? We saw the things! We almost had them, but someone didn’t pay the cable bill and by the time it was restored, the rods went missing. So yeah, I’m pretty sure”. He says, “Yes”, instead.
Hastings announces that “Manhattan is no longer safe”. Everyone watching wonders, “Was it ever safe?” Rob blows a gasket and says, “This is unacceptable”, as if that would make everything better.
Mrs. President tells Hastings that they can have whatever they need, and to inform the local authorities, by which she means the local mafia bosses. She also wants to speak to Jack, as soon as possible.
5:08 am – Jack is on the phone with Cole discussing what happened to the video feed when he gets a call from Mrs. President. She wants him to escort Hasan instead of going after the terrorists, because being a body guard is much more important at this point. Renee, who has been anxious to meet Hasan, insists on going with, ruining Jack’s plan to get Hasan’s autograph for his Fictional Third World Leader collection.
5:09 am – Meanwhile, the cab pulls into the terrorist body shop where they make all kinds of weapons. The plan is to have Tarin drive the car with the nuclear device, as soon as Samir talks to Mrs. President. Tarin looks like he’s rethinking this whole “terrorist” career.
5:14 am – Jack arrives to escort Hasan, and is informed that in the spirit of the “mole” theme this season, they’re going to go subterranean with Hasan, just in case any pesky nuclear weapons are detonated. They’re going to take him to the safety of New Jersey, so that should tell you how desperate the situation is.
5:15 am – Jack meets with Hasan. He tells them they’re headed to New Jersey in a tunnel, instead of that parade Hasan wants to take.
5:16 am – At a big meeting that Mrs. President is attending, a general really, REALLY wants to blow something up. The meeting is interrupted by someone telling Mrs. President that someone claiming to have the nuclear rods is calling. The Secret Service thinks this is credible because he said he “really really means it. The two “really”s are a dead giveaway. She takes the call on speaker.
Samir tells her that he has no desire to hurt anyone, but on the other hand he has a desire to hurt everyone. Hasan wants Mrs. President to hand over Hasan, or he’ll detonate the nuclear dispersal device to contaminate over 100,000 New Yorkers, some of whom will actually notice the difference. Samir gives her one hour.
After the call, they argue a bit about what to do. Rob wants to turn over Hasan. Ethan doesn’t think rolling Hasan over on his belly is going to make any difference whatsoever. He also thinks Rob is crazy for even suggesting it. Rob suggests that if the bomb goes off, it’ll make that part of Manhattan uninhabitable for over 100 years. He seems to think this is a big problem, and from the looks on everyone’s face, they don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s already been uninhabitable for the LAST 100 years.
Mrs. President isn’t very happy about the suggestion that Hasan be turned over. Besides, he’s a guest of hers, and she never, EVER treats her guests like that. If it were a member of congress, that would be a different story. She gives a rousing speech and says she’s not going to do it. You can tell it’s rousing because everyone roused out of their chairs while she spoke.
5:21 am – Back at CTU, Dana comes over to talk to Chloe to get the information about where all the police patrols are. It turns out that separating the donut location data is taking some time. Chloe notices that Dana takes a phone out of her pocket, but doesn’t say anything.
Dana calls Samir, and walks around in the corridors of CTU as if she calls terrorists all the time. Samir tells her that one way or another, the peace process will die.
And speaking of dying, everyone at the Terrorist Workshop is holding onto the rods with their BARE HANDS, not in the least bit worried about being exposed to radiation. If they were Jack Bauer, I could understand that, but they’re not. The chief terrorist engineer announces the device is ready.
5:23 am – Back at the meeting room, the General who wanted to bomb something to Kingdom Come talks to Rob. He thinks that Ethan made a good point about not turning over Hasan because it would look bad for the US. His plan is to turn over Hasan anyway, by accidentally leaving him on a street corner where any terrorist happening by could grab him. Rob loves this idea, but knows that Mrs. President will never go along with it. The General really, really wants to disobey Mrs. President, and wants to try and send his own team after Hasan. Apparently he hasn’t been informed that Jack Bauer is in charge of the escort detail.
5:29 am – At CTU Chloe continues to work, and sends Dana the information she requested. Hastings takes this opportunity to make sure everyone stops what they’re doing to give a speech about using “every second of every minute we have left” to find the terrorists. Except those precious minutes he used to give this very slow speech.
Dana transfers the information to Samir.
5:30 am – Samir looks over the info and tells Tarin, who he’s on the phone with, and they can park in a particular area to have a lot of fallout damage occur on the Upper West side. Tarin looks pretty upset about this, because that’s where he gets all his bagels and Black and White cookies.
5:31 am – Back at Conspiracy Central, the General and Rob go to Ethan’s room where they can be alone. The General closes the drapes to be extra, extra sure nothing is suspicious. Rob informs him that Jack Bauer is on the security team. The general, who obviously hasn’t heard of Jack Bauer, thinks “Bauer and his team don’t stand a chance.”. I’m sure Jack will remind him of this sometime in the near future.
Rob accepts the USB memory stick the General offers and plugs it in. Just seconds later and in walks Ethan. Ethan immediately notices the USB memory stick and realizes they’re probably not trying to access America’s Funniest Terrorist Trackdowns on YouTube. He doesn’t say anything, but the general at least is on to him and blocks Ethan from leaving.
Ethan tries to use his automatic drape opener to open the drapes to his office so everyone can see them, but accidentally speed dials his phone. Fortunately, he speed dials Jack. The general grabs the phone and hangs up. Ethan thinks that the general and Rob are not going to be going to the nice white color prison they heard about on Office Space, but that other one.
Ethan begs Rob to reconsider and while Rob’s doing that, Ethan decides to have a heart attack. Rob tries to help Ethan, but the general just wants to wait. This pretty much shuts down any chance Rob has of getting a promotion this year.
5:36 am – In the underground tunnel, Jack phones Ethan and leaves some voice mail.
The General calls his guys, just to make sure he talks to them one last time before Jack takes them all out.
Ethan’s”Aaaargh! My Heart” voice mail message wasn’t replaced in time, so Jack has no idea about what’s happening, but he’s suspicious.
5:41 am – Jack, Renee and everyone else arrive in the last part of the tunnel, which has a LOT of boxes. The general’s strike team waits for Jack to arrive, and discusses which positions their bodies will end up in when Jack kills them all.
5:42 am – Over in Ethan’s office, there’s a knock on the door. Rob answers it after making a land shark joke. The woman at the door is too young, so she doesn’t get it. She does however have Jack Bauer on line 1. Rob says he’ll handle the call.
Rob takes the call, and lies to Jack about Ethan. Jack really wants to talk to Ethan, and Rob tries to tell him that Ethan is super busy. Jack persists, and Rob tells him that Ethan is super-duper-duper busy, and then HANGS UP ON JACK. Jack makes a mental note to “hang up” on Rob.
Jack stops everyone, since he’s now very suspicious that something is very wrong. He tells Renee they’re head back to the UN. When the general’s strike team sees this, they decide to make their move and start shooting everything in sight. Jack tells Renee to take the Hasan family back to the UN, and he’ll be right behind them. Renee looks extremely disappointed that Jack’s about to take on the strike team, because she was looking forward to shooting someone. There’s a lot of shooting.
The lead agent tells Jack that she’ll take care of things, because this is just like paint ball back home. She tells Jack to stay with Hasan since that was what he was ordered to do, so he leaves.
The secret service agents who are clearly having a good time finally being able to shoot their machine guns try and take out as many of the strike team as possible.
While this is going on, Jack finally catches up with the Hasan group. Hasan actually stops and tells Jack that they need to help the agents. Apparently Hasan’s plan includes catching as many bullets with his body as possible. Jack realizes this is a stupid move and continues to evacuate Hasan back to the UN.
5:51 am – Ethan is asleep on the coach, which is probably the best acting anyone has done this season.
Hasan is STILL arguing with Jack about going back and doing some shooting, which clearly proves he’s insane. Kayla takes this opportunity to sprain her ankle, which slows them down. Jack realizes they’re not going to make it back in time, so he finally gives Hasan a gun.
The plan is…well, we’re not sure what the plan is, but there’s about to be a lot of shooting.
Bullets and time pass.
And, a lot of shooting and smoke later, Jack, Renee and Hasan disable them all. Jack interrogates one of the guys, who explains that the general has been a very naughty boy. The guy actually wants Jack to take Hasan to the terrorists! Jack informs him that 1) He’s Jack Bauer and 2) He’s going to do what he wants to do, so there! Nah!
Jack says he needs better cell phone reception, and since there are no decompression chambers nearby, they’ll have to head outside to street level. They all leave, including the Hasan family.
5:58 am – Dana gets a phone call from Samir. Samir’s really not very happy right now. Dana tries to talk him out of using the bomb, but it doesn’t work.
Tarin gets a phone call and Samir tells him to start the countdown. Tarin starts reciting, “100 rods of fuel on the wall, 100 rods of fuel, take one down, blow it up, 99 rods of fuel on the wall.”
6:00 am – Time’s up!
NEXT TIME ON “24”: Jack gets hit! Hasan gives himself up! President Logan is back! Lots of shooting! Dana recites part of a nursery rhyme! A car drives off the top of a parking garage (does that mean they’re in Miami now?)
SEE YOU NEXT TIME!