Tag: 24 Humor

24 Season 6 – Episode 1 – 6 am to 7 am Summary

I’m one of the many people that posts on the “24” thread every week over on the Dave Barry blog, and I write summaries of the show while the show is playing and post them over there. (I’m the “Steve” that Dave refers to over in some of his posts. Since I have my own blog too, this is where I keep the archives of what I write over there.

Summary of “24”, Season 6, Episode 1

The following summary takes place between 6 am and 7 am

6 am – Lots of news broadcasts talking about bombings. The news broadcasters say they don’t want to start a witch-hunt, but if anyone sees someone that weighs the same as a duck, it has to be reported immediately.

6:01 am – An Arabic man tries to get on a bus, but the nervous bus driver seems to want to be an extra in future episodes, so he doesn’t let him on. The man is very upset, but gets slightly less upset when someone with an explosive MP3 player blows up that very same bus, after seeing a light in a window from a building in the distance. L.A. is going to need a new bus too.

6:02 am – JANOSZ (the guy in Ghostbusters 2) with a very weird accent, even for him, is questioning Madam Haig. Haig is very upset about her new haircut, and the fact that Janosz wants to lock up Muslims. They turn and we see President WAYNE!

6:03 am – Haig tells Wayne that 23 people blew up in the bus. Wayne looks at a folder, and we see that JULIAN BASHIR from Star Trek Deep Space Nine is the one that is probably behind all the bombing attacks! A member of congress in the background wants to start an investigation about why bus manufacturers are making explosive buses. Haig said he beamed down to the United States three days ago. They all think that by phasering Julian, there’s a pretty good chance all the bombings that have been happening in the US will stop.

6:04 am – First look at CTU, and Milo and Morris are arguing about whether or not Morris will be selling ladies shoes again, because he hasn’t been putting cover sheets on his CTU reports.

6:05 am – Chloe is looking very stylish, and Morris even calls her a “hottie”. (Morris is her ex-husband). Chloe gets a weird message about having to set up a channel to Homeland Security, but needs clearance. Nadia, who appears to be her boss, says “Consider yourself clear”. I had no idea Chloe was a Scientologist.

6:06 am – Somehow they’ve figured out where Julian is hiding, and when Chloe finishes twenty questions with Nadia, we find out that they got Jack out of the Chinese prison! The president got Jack out two days prior, which you would think would be pretty big news around CTU.

6:07 am – Bill is going to meet Jack at Camp Magu. Lots of army guys run up to an army transport plane, and Jack gets off the plane! Jack has a beard and raggy clothes. The Chinese envoy tells Bill that Jack hasn’t spoken in two years, and Bill tells him that’s because Jack doesn’t speak any Chinese.

6:09 am – Curtis takes Jack to a dark room with a small bright light that shines on Jack, which you would think would be the last thing that Jack would want to see after seeing the same thing during interrogations for the last two years. I guess they’re trying to make him feel comfortable. Bill tells Jack that President Wayne wants to see him personally.

6:10 am – Bill tells Jack that Julian, who goes by the name Assad here on Earth, has been exploding buses, people and small furry animals all over the place. One of Assad’s men has struck a deal to hand over Assad as soon as Jack is dead. The guy’s name is Abu Fayed. These guys really know how to turn Jack’s really great day into a really bad day. They tell Jack that as soon as they had Jack over, Jack will be on his own. Jack’s day just got much worse.

6:12 am – Now, the very first word out of Jack’s mouth, the very first one is Audrey! I think they must have used it as a torture device. Bill tells him that Audrey and Kim don’t know that he’s back, and that Audrey went to a failed series on another network. Jack asks that it be kept that way (He doesn’t want to see Audrey either).

6:13 am – Jack asks to freshen up a bit, and asks for the powder room. He looks in the mirror, says “Candyman” three times, but nothing happens, so that plan is out. Jack starts to change clothes.

Commercial

6:19 am – Haig gets a phone call from Bill, and he tells her that it’s much worse than he expected: Jack asked for Audrey. YOW! Haig looks at a ring on her finger! She’s engaged to Bill! She says that she wishes she could go on stakeout with Bill right now, but can’t because of this whole “Turn Jack over to the Terrorists” thing. They both say they miss each other, which must be some kind of friendly shooting range lingo at CTU. He says they have to drop off Jack with the terrorists, and then he’ll swing buy and pick up the groceries.

6:20 am – Chloe watches the news as they tell everyone that they’ve raised the terror alert level up to “Super Red”, since it was just “Red” before. Chloe asks Nadia why she can’t get ahold of Bill or Curtis, since they are picking up Jack. Nadia isn’t talking. Chloe pulls out the Geek Knives and tells Nadia that she’ll call division and tell everyone about the time that Nadia left the Jarvis firewall unsecured; Nadia says that she only left open port 80, and 8080 so she could try out the new Tomcat beta, but Chloe isn’t buying it. Nadia tells Chloe about Fayed’s demands, one of which is Jack. Nadia explains that Jack shot Fayed’s brother in the thighs in Lebanon, and Fayed’s brother died.

6:23 am – Just to make it extra hard to get Jack back, CTU gave Fayed radio frequencies, satellite frequencies, and all the car alarms for everyone at CTU. They’ll know if anyone is coming for Jack. Chloe wants to call Haig and Wayne about this situation, but they already know. Chloe looks like someone hit her with a taser – completely stunned.

6:24 am – Curtis and Bill are driving Jack to the drop location. Jack has either forgotten that he’s not supposed to keep the top button of his shirt buttoned if he’s not wearing a tie, or is disguised as a nerd. Wayne calls Bill to talk to Jack, and tries to explain the situation. Jack looks like he doesn’t want to keep getting reminded by everyone that he’s the one being sacrificed.

6:28 am – Haig confronts Janosz. Janosz has started to set up detention centers in several cities, and he explains that they aren’t detention centers… they’re sports camps! Haig isn’t buying it.

6:28 am – Curtis, Bill, and Jack are out in a canal somewhere in LA, and Bill gets a phone call from Fayed telling him that he wants Jack in a party dress and hat. Bill says he forgot those, so Fayed relents and tells him to just handcuff Jack to the grate on the wall. Jack looks at Bill and tells him, “Today I can die for something. My way, my choice”. That’s our Jack. Twenty-three and a half hours more tell me that Jack isn’t going without a fight.

Commercial

6:36 am – A couple watching TV argue about sending their kid to school, a kid that has the same hairstyle as Derek, the kid from last season. A neighbor across the street is being arrested by the FBI, and Kumar from “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” comes running out of the house. A couple of guys chase Kumar, who’s name here is Ahmed, into his house. The father from across the street comes running over, and tells the guys that just because Ahmed made a bad movie once, it’s no reason to try and beat him up. The father convinces Ahmed to stay with them.

6:39 am – Bill calls Nadia to coordinate a military attack when they figure out where Assad is. Nadia tells Bill that Chloe found out about Jack. It doesn’t occur to either of them that Chloe might be up to something.

6:41 am – Morris comes over to Chloe, and tries to help by hacking into a Uzbekistan satellite. I’m beginning to see why these two like each other so much.

6:42 am – The terrorists just happen to have exactly the same handcuff keys that Bill had for the special CTU handcuffs they used on Jack. They use them to get Jack out of the handcuffs and take him into a terrorist brand van where they knock him out.

6:43 am – They have some pretty good computer guys on the terrorist side this time, because one of them figured out that one of the Uzbek satellites seems to be watching Fayed’s exact location. Fayed doesn’t believe it, and thinks it might be part of some DirectTV promotion, but is finally convinced.

6:44 am – Fayed calls CTU and gives them 30 seconds to redirect the satellite Morris tuned in on them. Morris finally redirects the satellite at the last possible second to heighten the dramatic effect, and now Fayed says he’ll have to “think about” giving them Assad’s location. Nadia picks up the phone, says something in Arabic, and Fayed hangs up.

6:46 am – Bill heard what happened, tells Chloe that they might have just sacrificed Jack for nothing, and they both put on their really sad faces.

Commercial

6:52 am – Bill has to make a phone call to Haig that he wasn’t able to pick up the groceries, that they should go out to dinner when she gets back that night, and that Chloe and Morris might have jeopardized the entire plan by aiming a satellite at Fayed. Haig pulls out her angry eyes and really yells at Bill.

6:53 am – At terrorist headquarters, they drag Jack into a room where it looks like they’re going to do some really yucky medical experiments on Jack. They hook him up to a heart monitor. Fayed knifes Jack right in the shoulder and pours light beer on Jack’s wound, making Jack scream like anyone would in the same situation.

6:54 am – For the second time, Jack tells Fayed to call CTU with the information about Assad, and it turns out that Assad isn’t the real wacko of this whole thing… Fayed is. So this whole thing with Assad won’t matter. Fayed has become addicted to blowing things up, and is going to continue no matter what happens to Assad. Assad is coming to STOP the attacks and to stop Fayed. Fayed says Jack will die for nothing.

6:57 am – Fayed calls Bill and tells him that Assad’s location is at latitude 9 6 7, longitutde 5 3 0 9. Morris tries to comfort Chloe by telling her that Jack won’t have died for nothing, and whispers some bytecodes into her ear.

6:58 am – Fayed nearly cuts of Jack’s finger when he gets an important phone call. It turns out Ahmed (Kumar, remember?) is working with Fayed! He wants to exact revenge on Hollywood for that movie! Ahmed tells Fayed that his father was picked up by the FBI. Turns out that Kumar’s father isn’t the guy the FBI wanted…it’s Ahmed!

6:59 am – Jack shakes his heart monitor loose, and a terrorist lackey comes over to check on it. Jack recreates his role as one of “The Lost Boys” and bites the guy right in the neck. He pulls the keys off the dead guy. Jack escapes! He’s hiding under a grate!

7:00 am – Time’s up!

Be sure and catch all of Steve’s summaries of Season 6 of “24”!

24 Season 5 – 9 am to 10 am

When I wrote up summaries last year, I started on Episode 4, and never wrote up Episodes 1-3. So, in order to be complete, I wrote the missing episodes

Here’s my summary for Episdode 3

The following summary takes place between 9 am and 10 am

9:00 am – Chaos everywhere outside of the airport, and Diane tells one of the police officers that she has information for CTU. One of the police officers looks a little surprised by this, because he’s never seen her on the show before.

9:01 am – Inside the airport terminal, one of the hostages tries to make a cell phone call using the wrong provider, and one of the terrorists shoots him for it. The head terrorist tells them to switch providers and everyone immediately complies.

9:02 am – One of the terrorist sidekicks goes looking for the baggage handler, but can’t find him. Jack has stuffed him into some baggage.

9:03 am – Using his amazing cell phone technology, the head terrorist calls one of the personal cell phones of one of the police officers without even looking up the number, and tells him that they’re going to blow up just about everything they can think of unless their demands are met.

9:04 am – Jack decides to jump up with the baggage to hide, and then realizes that going into the ceiling where he can crawl around the fragile ceiling tile would be a better idea.

9:06 am – AAAH! Audrey. They should warn us about that. Audrey goes to talk to Bill. Bill lets her know that a body at the refinery was found and it appears the guy died from lead poisoning, so it’s likely Chloe was telling the truth about Jack. Bill gets a phone call….It’s Jack!

9:07 am – Jack tells Bill that the airport has been attacked, and Bill tells him he hasn’t heard a thing about it. Spencer enters, and tells Bill the airport has been attack. Bill tells Jack that he believes him now. Jack rolls his eyes as he takes pictures of the bad guys for his scrapbook, and to send to CTU. Bill tells Spencer to get Curtis to redirect to the airport, which in Curtis time will be about 10 seconds.

9:08 am – Bill tells Jack to turn himself in, but Jack says, “Neener neener! I don’t work for you!”, and that he’s staying inside. Bill agrees, since there’s not much he can do. Jack tells Bill that he sent Diane and Derek to CTU for protection, and Audrey looks a little surprised by this and wonders if Jack staging his death is how he planned to get away from her. Bill tells Jack that he’ll protect them from Audrey. Jack decides to go up a ladder, and up further into the ceiling.

9:08 am – Back at Camp Manilow, the Russian President sends his condolences to the country for having Manilow as President while they both have their pictures taken. Walt and Cheney Looking Guy tell Manilow that there are hostages at the airport, and that CTU thinks this has to do with the Summit, and they want to have a briefing. Manilow tells the Russian President that he has to leave, and the Russian President already knows. Manilow looks like he wants to know how the Russians found out that fast.

9:10 am – At CTU, Spencer is playing with Google Maps and sending pictures to Jack. Edgar suggests using the phone book to find the terrorists, and Bill insists they keep using the computers. Chloe arrives and tells Edgar to use an adaptive search.

9:11 am – Bill tells Chloe that she violated about 11 codes, and Chloe corrects him that it’s about 26 violations (really gotta love Chloe). Chloe suggests that she help with the search for who the terrorists are, and Bill tells her that would be OK.

9:12 am – Audrey rushes in and says that her favorite television program has been interrupted by some sort of broadcast from the terrorists. In the broadcast, the terrorists are all wearing masks, which has GOT to be hot in Southern California.

9:13 am – Manilow’s watching the same broadcast, and insists that the terrorists get off the air immediately because there’s a new “Sesame Street” that he hasn’t seen yet.

9:14 am – The broadcast ends, and Manilow completely loses his mind, and wants the terrorist situation “fixed”.

9:14 am – A helicopter that Curtis is flying lands at the airport, and he gets a phone call. It’s Jack! Jack tells him all about the situation inside the airport. Curtis says, “What, no ‘Hello, Curtis…I’m alive?’” He seems a little surprised Jack is alive, but says he wants Jack to quarterback the situation from inside. Jack tells him there will be time enough for football later.

9:15 am – A police officer tells Curtis about Diane, and Jack wants to talk to her. She tells him that Derek went inside the building. Jack looks, and sure enough, Derek is in there. Jack says a naughty word.

Commercial

9:21 am – Bill reads from the lead terrorist’s resume to the group at CTU and to Manilow. Manilow looks pretty upset that this is all happening, and suggests talking to the terrorists. Bill rolls his eyes, and says he’ll try.

9:23 am – Phone call to the terrorists, its Bill trying out Manilow’s plan. The terrorists respond by bringing a hostage to the TV camera and shooting him. Manilow looks like he won’t be suggesting a plan like that again.

9:25 am – The terrorists grab Derek and put him on TV which Derek seems happy about until they tell everyone they’re going to shoot Derek in 15 minutes unless their demands are met. Derek looks a bit upset by that.

Commercial

9:31 am – Mrs. Manilow is watching the terrorists on the news, and tells her assistant that All-State tried to warn her about something about “national security”. Since the terrorist stuff probably qualifies as “national security”, she’s guessing that this has something to do with it. Also that someone had altered the conversation with All-State when it was taped. Then she leaves.

9:32 am – The terrorists at the airport all are wearing lots of equipment. Jack takes a picture and sends it to Chloe, asking if he can get some of that stuff, plus the frequency of the devices so he can plan a terrorist explosion party.

9:33 am – Chloe sees Audrey and almost throws up. Chloe asks Spencer to look up some frequencies and send them to Jack’s phone which he doesn’t seem too sure about until Chloe turns on the charm.

9:34 am – Agent Pierce at the Manilow compound goes to get Mrs. Manilow, but she’s not there. She’s out creeping around the compound, and walks into the men’s bathroom, creating a messy situation for the guy trying to use it, a communications officer. She wants the transcripts of the phone conversation she had with All-State, and threatens to undress in front of him and scream unless he gives her a key card. This freaks him, and everyone watching, out. He gives her his card.

Commercial

9:42 am – Jack calls Chloe, wanting the frequency codes, but they’re still looking. Spencer just finishing looking up the Mattel codes and wants to go to the Fischer Price codes, but Chloe tells him to look up the Russian codes instead.

9:42 am – Curtis is organizing a welcoming committee for the terrorists, and tries to coordinate who will be entering with who, and tells the team to deploy. It’s going to take 15 minutes to get into position.

9:43 am – The lead terrorist gives Derek some breathing lessons.

9:44 am – Lead terrorist calls Bill. Bill tries to lighten up the conversation, but the lead terrorist really really wants to shoot someone and hangs up.

9:45 am – Chloe finds the maker of the device, and Spencer finds the frequency, which she sends to Jack. The phone has to reboot before he can use it. What is this, Windows?

9:46 am – Just as lead terrorist is about to shoot Derek, the phone reboots, and Jack reboots one of the terrorists causing mass confusion. The terrorist explodes into a thousand pieces of paper.

9:47 am – The terrorists go to investigate, and they find bits of terrorist all over the place. Bill wants to know if Jack did that, and he admits he did.

9:48 am – Manilow calls Bill and wants to know what caused the explosion. Bill tells him their “man inside” did it. Manilow, Walt and Cheney Looking Guy all act really surprised when it turns out that the “man inside” is Jack. Manilow throws a little tantrum when Bill tries to explain about Jack.

Commercial

9:52 am – Agent Pierce is STILL waiting for Mrs. Manilow and her assistant is still stalling. Mrs. Manilow is tearing apart the records room, finds some old high school photographs and hides them. She’s still looking for the All-State records.

9:53 am – At the airport, Curtis continues to coordinate the counter terrorism unit, and tells Diane that Derek is OK.

9:54 am – Agent Pierce walks in on Mrs. Manilow in the records room, and leaves it a mess for that guy in the bathroom to clean up. Mrs. Manilow tells her assistant that she got what she wanted.

9:55 am – Walt calls the Guy In The Dark Room and tells him Jack Bauer is in the airport, that Jack blew up one of the terrorists, that Jack knows one of the hostages, and that it’s likely Jack is mad he can’t go into the terminal for a Starbuck’s.

9:56 am – Agent Pierce tells Walt that Mrs. Manilow is back in her room, but that she was in one of the records rooms. Walt tells Agent Pierce that he thought they had moved everything over to CDs, and Agent Pierce tells him that he would have to take that up with Mrs. Manilow.

9:57 am – Jack calls Curtis, telling him all the new seating plans for the terrorists.

9:58 am – Lead terrorist guy takes a phone call from someone, and then goes to a computer to disrupt the phone conversation that Jack is having with Curtis. This guy must work for a cell phone company.

9:58 am – Lead terrorist announces that he knows that Jack is there, and that Derek is going to be shot until Jack comes out of hiding right away. Bill aborts the mission. Lead terrorist guy points a gun right at Derek!

9:59 am – Jack shows up from around the corner, and they tie him up!

10:00 am – Time’s up!

“24” Season 5 – Episode 2 – 8 am to 9 am

When I wrote up summaries last year, I started on Episode 4, and never wrote up Episodes 1-3. So, in order to be complete, I’m working on getting those written up.

Here’s my summary for Episdode 2

The following summary takes place between 8 am and 9 am

8:00 am – Audrey is showing Bill the latest version of Google Maps, which has an annoying blinking dot feature on it at the compound where Manilow is. Edgar bursts in, telling Bill that he heard there were donuts in the conference room, and that they might have a suspect on video.

8:01 am – Using magic technology that only CTU has for changing low resolution images into high resolution images, the video shows Jack trying to get through a locked door. Audrey looks more perplexed than usual.

8:02 am – Jack tells Chloe that someone is trying to frame him to take the fall for All-State’s assassination. Chloe suggests that Jack get as far away from here as possible, and Jack tells her if he did that the next 23 hours of the show were are going to be quite boring.
Jack wants to go to All-State’s suite and look around. Chloe thinks it’s crazy, but just happens to have a good way to break into the computers over in that building.

8:03 am – Derek looks none too pleased to see that Jack killed Head Bad Guy, and refuses to go into the van when Jack tells him too. Jack calmly asks again, using a very persuasive grip on Derek’s throat.

8:04 am – Back at CTU, Edgar tells everyone the video tape hasn’t been altered, except for perhaps the wrong date in the corner. Bill, Curtis, and Audrey are trying to figure out if and why Jack shot Palmer. Edgar speaks up and says that it was Mary Crosby that shot him. Bill tells him that was “J.R.” and to focus.

8:05 am – Bill wants to know where Chloe is, and Edgar goes into partial meltdown telling everyone that HE wanted to find out where Chloe was but SPENCER didn’t think it was a big deal. And, I quote, “Nah, Nah, NahNah, Nah Nah”. They want to get to Chloe before Jack does. Um…. Too late. And it’s a good thing too.

8:06 am – Manilow stands in an open doorway, trying to figure out what that weird noise is. Walt walks in and tells him that what he’s hearing are “birds”. Walt also tells Manilow that Mrs. Manilow called. Walt can’t figure out why All-State would want to call Mrs. Manilow, so Manilow gives Walt permission to check the phone records.

8:07 am – Audrey calls Manilow and tells him that Jack is a suspect in the All-State death. Walt starts calling Jack names, and Audrey doesn’t like it (but mysteriously doesn’t cry about it). Manilow tells Audrey to find Jack, and hangs up.

8:08 am – Some guy with dark sunglasses is at the refinery looking at all the bodies that are Jack’s handiwork. He’s talking to a guy in a dark room with lots of television monitors, which appears to be bad guy headquarters. Guy in Dark Room (GIDR) says that CTU will find Jack, and then Jack will be taken out. They don’t say where.

Commercial

8:14 am – Chloe’s driving the bad guy van with Derek and Jack in the back. Jack’s going through the bad guy weapons that are stashed back there, obviously impressed. Jack’s phone rings, and it’s his girlfriend. She wants to know where to meet Jack, and he says he doesn’t know yet.

8:15 am – A fake newswoman is giving a fake news report to a fake camera with a very concerned fake look on her face, in front of All-State’s building. Chloe drives the van right up to the building, and makes it through the checkpoint. Good to see tight security.

8:16 am – They’re in the parking lot under the building now, and Jack pulls out an earpiece that just happens to work with Chloe’s amazing visualization of every single agent in the building. Chloe tells Jack there are 167 agents in the building, and Jack tells Chloe there are now going to be 168 agents in the building.

8:17 am – Jack gets out of the van, walks up to an FBI agent taking something out of his trunk and takes him out in about two seconds. Chloe says, “Relax, he’s really good at this”. Jack must have really wanted that guy’s shirt because he’s wearing it now. Jack heads upstairs.

8:18 am – Jack heads for the elevator, and four agents get onto the elevator with him. Jack tries to blend into the woodwork, while the agents completely ignore him.

8:19 am – Jack gets to the penthouse and he starts looking around for the catering table. He sees All-State on the ground and is pretty upset, so he goes into a completely empty room that happens to have a computer in it.

8:20 am – Derek starts asking Chloe all kinds of questions about Jack, like why she keeps calling him “Jack” instead of “Frank”. Chloe tells him that some bad people wanted to cover up their mistakes and that part of that would be Jack being dead. Since Jack didn’t seem to think this was a good plan, he went into hiding.

8:21 am – Jack gets All-State’s computer booted, which, as we know, is all Chloe needs to get into the computer. Someone’s at the door! Jack grabs the guy from behind, and we see it’s All-States brother, Wayne.

8:22 am – Jack calmly explains to Wayne that it would be stupid to have killed All-State, because they were good friends. Wayne tells Jack that the Secret Service guys in the next room would probably like to help. Jack tells him that wouldn’t be that great of an idea. Jack gives Wayne his gun to prove he’s telling the truth, and Wayne finally accepts this.

8:24 am – Mrs. Manilow is watching old blooper reels of All-State, still pretty upset. Walt comes in and asks about All-State’s phone call.

8:26 am – Jack asks if All-State was acting strangely. Wayne says that All-State was acting pretty distracted, especially by the bullet. Jack decrypts the first chapter of All-State’s memoir. Wayne thinks it’s pretty weird that All-State would do that because reading an encrypted chapter is a LOT harder to understand.

8:27 am – Edgar is still sniping at Spencer about Chloe. They finally make up, and Edgar gives Spencer Chloe’s access code to use. They figure out that Chloe is logged in remotely. Neither of them thinks she called in for a sick day, so they call Bill. Bill doesn’t remember a sick day either. They figure out that she’s at the scene of Palmer’s killing, and they figure out that Jack might be with Chloe.

Commercial

8:33 am – A bunch of bad guys are taking guns out of boxes full of straw, obviously having just come from some kind of live stock mission. GIDR calls a bald bad guy and tells him to hurry up.

8:33 am – Jack and Wayne find something Wayne doesn’t recognize in the All-State paper they’re reading on the computer, and it appears to be a name and an location at an airport. Chloe says that all the little dots on her screen are moving up towards the penthouse and that’s a bad thing because the dots all want autographs and have guns. Jack tells Wayne to keep things quiet, and he leaves.

8:34 am – Jack tries to leave, but the room is packed with agents, except for one agent in the kitchen who is looking for a snack. Jack knocks him out, which is going to be pretty embarrassing for that agent later. Jack goes into a private elevator and presses the button to close the door repeatedly, because we know that always makes an elevator go faster.

8:35 am – Chloe’s screen with the little dots goes blank! Jack decides to get off on the second floor (pretty tricky, Jack!) and runs for it down some stairs, beating up an agent as he goes. Jack jumps into the van. Chloe tells him that the name on the paper is a baggage guy at the airport.

8:36 am – Suddenly, a bunch of agents show up out of nowhere and all announce that Chloe and Jack have to give themselves up. The van goes barreling out of the garage, there’s a brief chase, and the agents figure out that it’s just Chloe. Jack and Derek got away!

8:38 am – Jack and Derek hotwire a car and drive away.

Commercial

8:42 am – Jack calls Diane, and tells her to meet them at the Ontario airport. Diane says it’s a long way to Canada, and Jack tells her “Ontario airport in Los Angeles”.

8:43 am – Phone call from the field agents to Bill about Chloe, and Bill asks to talk to her. Chloe tells Bill that Jack didn’t kill Palmer, and that the guy who really did it is waiting for them at the oil refinery, and he’s not going anyway anytime soon. Bill wants to know where Jack is, and Chloe tells him “as if”. Bill doesn’t like this very much so he puts on his angry eyes and ORDERS her to tell him where Jack is. Chloe gets a look on her face that says, “Yeah, right!”, and refuses to tell him. Bill tells the agents to bring Chloe in.

8:44 am – Derek tells Jack that he knows a little about what happened. Jack starts to tell Derek that he cares about both Derek and his mother, which alarms Derek a little bit.

8:45 am – Back at Manilow headquarters, Mrs. Manilow wants to know if Manilow heard the conversation that was recorded between her and All-State. Manilow pulls out a recording device and we hear All-State calling Mrs. Manilow to visit with her, and that he’ll bring the pizza. Mrs. Manilow freaks out, and tells Manilow there was never any pizza mentioned, only hot sandwiches. Manilow tries to convince Mrs. Manilow that she’s not remembering correctly, but she’s not quite buying it.

8:47 am – Edgar tells Bill and Audrey that something is up with the Russian summit that’s about to happen in about 15 minutes, that being the top of the hour, the time when all dramatic things happen.

8:48 am – A UPS truck full of bad guys with guys is driving pretty quickly towards its destination. GIDR is on the phone with the Bald Bad Guy. They are definitely headed towards the Russians.

8:49 am – Cheney-Looking Guy tells Manilow that the Russian helicopter might be targeted. Manilow is really insistent that the helicopter land, despite the extreme amount of evidence that this would be a really bad idea.

Commercial

8:54 am – Jack and Derek arrive at the airport, where Diane is waiting. Jack apologizes to Derek, and tells Derek to go to his mom. Jack tells Diane that his name is not Frank, it’s “Jack Bauer”, and gives her a CTU card and tells her that Bill will take care of everything, including parking validation.

8:56 am – Jack enters the airport looking for the baggage supervisor.

8:57 am – At CTU, they’re watching the Russian helicopter land. Lots of dramatic music! A marine gets off the plane, followed by the Russian president and his wife. Nothing happens! Oooh….bad dramatic music guys! Naughty!

8:58 am – Diane and Derek are trying to leave the airport when they’re stopped. Derek is the ONLY PERSON at the airport that sees the UPS truck with a bunch of guys getting out of the back of it. The guys go into the airport, and Derek follows.

8:58 am – Jack tracks down the baggage handler and uses the words, “You’re going to tell me what I want to know, it’s just a matter of how much it is going to hurt”. That’s our Jack!

8:59 am – Bald Bad Guy pulls out a machine gun and starts shooting, which distracts Jack. The baggage handler chugs a diet Coke, quickly eats a few Mentos and kills himself by foaming to death. Bald Bad Guy announces that no one will be harmed if the President complies.

8:59 am – Walt is on the phone with Head Bad Guy, telling him that he was the one that altered the tape, before Manilow could hear it! Head Bad Guy tells Walt that the airport has been taken, and that Manilow will know the demands soon!

9:00 am – Time’s up!

Season 5 – Episode 1 – 7 am to 8 am summary

Hey, here’s a blast from the past. I didn’t start writing the summaries of “24” over on Dave Barry’s blog until about the 4th show. To complete the season, I decided to go back and write up the shows that I didn’t last season.

Here’s a summary of Episode 1:

The following summary occurred between 7 am and 8 am

7:00 am – A construction site in Mojave, CA, a construction boss is picking people to go to work. We see that Jack is wearing a special CTU bullet proof metal hat, which makes him look just like one of those World War I vets, but this still doesn’t get him picked for work that day. The foreman calls Jack, “Frank”, telling him there will be work tomorrow. Something tells me that Jack won’t be at work tomorrow.

7:01 am – President All-State and his brother are downtown somewhere, watching Spongebob when the TV announces that the Russian president is invading to the US. …Make that invited. All-State and his brother are working on a book, but All-State seems distracted. Soon he’s very distracted by a bullet that hits him. All-State is dead!

7:03 am – President Manilow rushes into his room, really concerned by his chair. No detail is too small for this guy. He even has a guy that’s in charge of fixing his chair. This guy thinks of everything. He also seems really concerned about the media.

7:05 am – Bald White House Guy (BWHG) who looks like Dick Cheney gets a phone call, and Manilow tells his assistant Walt that he doesn’t want Mrs. Manilow having a meltdown, so she’s not to go near any nuclear power plants. BWHG delivers the news that All-State is dead. Manilow looks surprised, and asks “Where?” BWHG tells him in the chest.

7:07 am – At CTU things are in full swing, and Manilow calls Bill and tells him that he wants the person who killed All-State dead, chopped, drawn with butter and thrown to the dogs. And to have salt rubbed on him. Bill tries to convince him that the salt is overkill, but Manilow won’t hear of it.

7:09 am – Scene change to Chloe getting out of bed with some guy named Spencer that works for her! Chloe doesn’t seem too happy about the situation. He convinces her to kiss him and they are about to kiss when her phone rings. She looks really upset now. It’s a telemarketer asking if she wants to save money on her mortgage. That, and President All-State is dead.

7:10 am – Scene change back to Jack watching TV with a really worried look. Jack, not the TV. He is really upset that All-State is dead, and sheds a tear!

7:11 am – Someone knocks at the door, so of course Jack’s immediate reaction is to pull the gun that he keeps under the sofa cushions. I bet he has guns stashed everywhere. It’s just Jack’s girlfriend, who invites him to breakfast.

7:12 am – Looks like his girlfriend has a teenage son, who is absolutely thrilled that Jack is joining them for breakfast. The girlfriend asks the son, Derek, to use a glass instead of drinking from the carton, and Derek being the rebel he is, continues to drink out of the carton, even though Jack just handed him the glass.

7:13 am – Derek confronts Jack about Jack’s story that he worked in Alaska on “The Albatross”, and that perhaps Jack meant “The Dead Parrot”. Derek seems awfully suspicious. Maybe this is what they look for in CTU recruits.

7:13 am – Tony and Michelle hear the news about All-State, and try to call Bill from their impeccably clean kitchen to see if they need him. Tony and Michelle don’t work for CTU anymore (is that allowed?) Tony makes a phone call to tell someone they’re going to meet with that they won’t be making the meeting.

7:15 am – And someone must really hate glass this season, because they just blew up a car to blow out the glass at Tony’s house. Yikes…it was the car that Michelle just started, and she’s definitely dead when Tony finds her out on the lawn. The car blows up as we go to commercial, engulfing Tony and Michelle in a very expensive special effect.

Commercial

7:21 – Back at CTU, Edgar is telling Spencer about Tony and Michelle. Spencer asks if Edgar knew them, and Edgar looks at him as if he’s a moron… the office isn’t THAT big after all. How could he NOT know them? Edgar makes a phone call to Chloe just as she’s about to get into her car to tell her about Michelle.

7:22 – Chloe is just about to get into her car, when she looks around, and sees Moby get out of a white van. She’s immediately suspicious because Moby doesn’t drive a white van, and she makes a run for it.

7:23 – Moby keeps chasing her through a mall. Chloe runs past people, knocking them over. No one seems to mind this typical shopping mall behavior. Moby stops when he’s blocked by two men standing on an escalator! How will he get around this obstacle? He ponders this for a few moments, and finally runs past them. Good thinking, Moby! Except Chloe didn’t go up the escalator. She gets away.

7:24 – Back at Jack’s place, Chloe calls Jack. Jack looks momentarily confused with one woman calling him Frank, and another calling him Jack. Chloe tells Jack that Michelle is dead, Tony is in critical condition, and that people are chasing her. Jack asks, “Who is this really? Am I on Candid Camera?” Chloe doesn’t find this remotely funny, and tells Jack that the only thing everyone who’s been killed today have in common is that they like McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish (I suspect a product endorsement deal) and that only they, along with millions of viewers, know that Jack is alive.

7:25 – Jack goes back to the room he’s been living in, and immediately does what anyone would do in this situation. He starts a home improvement project fixing an air-vent. While he’s doing this, he tells Chloe to head north of LA, to go to an abandoned oil refinery and wait for him there.

7:25 – Jack pulls off the vent cover, and loud dramatic music starts playing. Apparently that’s the alarm system Jack installed. He pulls out the JackSack, puts on dark sunglasses, and puts some Velcro on his arm because we all know it’s impossible to fight crime without Velcro on your arm.

7:25 – Back at CTU, Bill is telling everyone that because it would be too expensive to keep Tony in a hospital and because they can’t afford to have yet another set, Tony will be brought to CTU for safe keeping until they can find a plot thread that involves him. An assistant comes in and tells Bill that someone from DoD is there.

7:26 – AAAAAAAA! It’s Audrey! They should WARN us when they do that. A big flashing warning sign, or SOMETHING. Anyway, Audrey looks around reminiscing about all the good times they had at CTU. The people that got shot, the yelling… Good times… Good times!

7:27 – Bill tells Audrey, “I know it must be hard to be back here” and under his breath says, “I know it’s hard for us”. Audrey tells Bill that Manilow told her to tell him that he would be told by her that she was told that Bill should keep the summit as his top priority. Bill looks pretty confused when he walks away.

7:27 – Manilow is making a speech out in the open, in a heavily-forested area which is in no way a bad place to be with so many people being killed all over town. He’s making a speech about All-State.

7:28 – Mrs. Manilow is having her hair done, announces she looks like a wedding cake and sticks her face in water…. I wish I could make that last line up, but that really just happened. I think this is to enforce that Mrs. Manilow hasn’t got her marble collection intact. Point made.

7:29 – Walt comes to the door, and tells Mrs. Manilow that he has some bad news. She looks hopeful it’s bad news about Manilow. He tells her that All-State is dead.

7:31 – Mrs. Manilow goes running off to tell Manilow something she thinks is important. She’s still dripping wet, and starts arguing with an agent, telling him that she’ll have his family “eating dog food out of a can” if he doesn’t get out of her way. Nice lady! No dry dog food for his family! BWHG and Walt finally get her calmed down.

Commercial

7:37 – Jack drives his pickup truck to a refinery, and knocks this guy named “Weaver” out, with no explanation. He must have made Jack mad earlier. Jack hears something, and he finds Derek hiding behind a crate. He’s stalking Jack! When Derek sees the gun, he tries to convince Jack that he didn’t see it, but it doesn’t work. Jack shoves Derek into a helicopter.

7:39 – Back at CTU, they’re bringing in Tony. Curtis wants to talk to Tony, because he found some really weird things on his cell phone bill pertaining to Jack. I’m guessing that talking to a dead guy is what they consider suspicious.

7:40 – In the helicopter, Derek asks Jack if he’s being kidnapped, and Jack says, that “technically”, no. Derek wants to know where they’re going, and Jack says “Disneyland”. Derek doesn’t like this, so Jack says “LA”. Derek puts two and two together, gets three and decides that Jack is some sort of criminal. Jack looks offended by this.

7:41 – Jack makes a phone call to Diane (Derek’s mom) and tells her to head to LA to pick up Derek. Oh, and that they’re in a helicopter. Jack says he can “drop Derek off” by they decide it would be better just to meet in LA.

7:43 – Things slow WAY down as Manilow goes to see Mrs. Manilow. She tells Manilow that she thinks that All-State was going to tell her something, such as “Trix are for Kids!” She thinks that Manilow doesn’t believe her (which it appears that he doesn’t), but calls her a “silly rabbit”, and they iron things out.

7:44 – Manilow tells Walt that Mrs. Manilow is Cuckoo for Coco Puffs.

Commercial

7:50 – At CTU, Edgar asks Spencer about Chloe. Edgar is suspicious about Chloe not being here yet. Spencer tells him that he just saw Chloe about a half hour ago, and when Edgar presses him on it, he says “Do I have to spell it out for you”. Edgar gives him a look that says he doesn’t think that Spence could spell anything.

7:51 – Chloe gets a taxi driver to pull over at the refinery, just as Jack’s helicopter goes over the refinery. Jack tells Derek that the helicopter was the only way to get to LA fast enough without Curtis driving.

7:52 – Chloe gets through a fence, cuts herself and finally reaches Jack. Jack needs her to work some of her Chloe magic to get into some archives at CTU.

7:53 – They all get in the helicopter and they see the bad guys pull up outside of the refinery. The helicopter isn’t going to reach speed fast enough, because that wouldn’t be the “24” way of doing things. Jack tosses a few smoke grenades and completely baffles the bad guys as Derek and Chloe run off to hide in the refinery.

7:54 – The head bad guy takes off, and when he does, Jack comes out of the smoke with a knife. He shows the knife to one of the bad guys pretty up close and personal, before he can even ask Jack for an autograph.

7:55 – Head bad guy is after Chloe and Derek. Meanwhile Jack shoots some bad guys for driving much too quickly, and gets them to stop their car using a bunch of debris by the side of the road. Jack finds Head Bad Guy, shoots him, and Chloe starts to shoot too. Bad guy goes down, and Jack tells Chloe and Derek to walk away. They go about 10 feet away, and watch what’s about to happen.

7:57 – Jack tells Head Bad Guy that if he wants to be in another episode, he better spill his guts. Jack realizes what he just said, apologizes, and tells Head Bad Guy that he better tell Jack everything.

7:59 – Head Bad Guy says that All-State was the primary target, and that all the rest of the people that were getting killed or chased were just something to set Jack up. Then he says he’s the one that killed All-State. Ooops. Too much information. Jack doesn’t like that very much, and shoots bad guy dead.

8:00 – Time’s up!

You can see the rest of the season on the Steve’s “24” Season Five page.

Welcome to the Visitors from Dave’s Blog!

Welcome to everyone from Dave Barry’s Blog. And yes, I’ll be posting summaries of episodes during season 6.

As a warm up, I’ll be doing the first couple of episodes of Season 5 over the weekend. Why is that, you might ask? Well, I didn’t really start doing summaries until episode 4. The reason I started doing them in the first place was that Dave wasn’t going to be able to see episode 4, and he asked for a summary from the folks that regularly do the “live blog” over there. I decided to write it up, and do it in the “MST3K” spirit that everyone was using on the blog. Turns out that people liked it, so I kept it up.

If you’re interested in seeing what that was like you can read my season 5 summaries on it’s page.

Remember, Jack is back on Sunday!

Get Ready!

CTU Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through CTU,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a CPU.
The presents were set by the computers with care,
In hopes that Jack Bauer soon would be there.

The interns were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of thigh-shots danced in their heads.
And Chloe at her computer, and I at my VAX,
Had just rested our brains from last week’s attacks.

When out in the field there arose such a clatter,
I answered the phone to see what was the matter.
I brought up a window, and moused like a flash,
While part of my donut fell into the trash.

The blips on the screen were beginning to show
Lots of activity in the valley down below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a black SUV, kicked in high gear!

With a driver who chased those that would hurt us,
I knew in a moment it must be Curtis!
Chasing bad guys with him was Jack, yelling as they came,
And he shot, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Bye Cummings! Bye, Nina! bye, Salazar and Logan!
No, Navi! No, Dina! No, Henderson or Marwan!
They’re all gone now, we’ve seen them all fall!
We got them! Got them! We got them all!”

As the SUV stops at an airport, they’re ready to fly,
They meet with a helicopter, and mount to the sky.
So up to the building-top the copter they flew,
The flight with Curtis, and Jack Bauer too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Audrey came with a bound!

She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her boot,
And if I had a gun, I swear I would shoot.
She was stealing the toys, things she wouldn’t give back!
We needed Jack back for a Big Jack Attack!

Her eyes they were crazy, her dimples were hairy!
Her cheeks were like Bozo’s, her nose was just scary!
The drool from her mouth had started to flow,
And it was clear she was mad they canceled her show.
The stockings we hung, she held tight in her teeth,
She took all the candy and made a hat of the wreath.
The fur she was wearing was nasty and smelly,
She was bound and determined to get back on the Telly!

Jack finally arrived, and he hid behind a shelf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And charged up his stun-gun, then aimed at that jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his gun,
And jumped out, giving Audrey a stun!

With Audrey subdued, to our team gave a whistle,
And carefully avoided the toe that was mistle,
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he went out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

24 – The Next Day: 6 am to 7 am

Last time: Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar chased the Marwan Brothers through the Field museum, and around Chicago. Jack disguised himself in a moustache and beard that he has since found out he can’t remove. Manilow was given the assignment of getting Janosz into the White House. There’s some sort of disturbance going on at the Lincoln Memorial. Julian is running away from it straight to Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar, who are at the Washington Monument. A problem with the computers at CTU forced Chloe to leave and use the public internet to help Jack.

The following occurred between 6 am and 7 am, and is brought to you with limited commercial interruption through a sponsorship of a kitchen knife product with actors posing as people that are completely astounded that you can cut ACTUAL bread with a knife and get ACTUAL REAL (really!) sliced bread, in the comfort and relative safety (if you don’t count how hazardous knives are) of your own home. Amazing!

We’d like to remind you that no actual bread was hurt in the filming of this show or commercial – stunt bread was used instead.

6:00 am – Pamela wakes up and finds that Bobby is in the shower! The whole thing was… oops, wrong show.

6:00 am – Suddenly, Bob wakes up! Emily asks, “What’s wrong?” Bob turns on a light and explains that he had the strangest dream where he was an innkeeper in… wait, that’s the wrong show too.

6:00 am – RoboEdgar wanders back into the Washington Monument as Jack continues his phone conversation with Chloe. Chloe tells Jack (ok, we’re back to the right show) that she’s found a website on the Internet that has information that might help him. Chloe tells Jack that she entered some of the things that have been happening all day into Google, and a certain weblog came up. Jack asks her what words she used. She tells him that entering “Marwan Brothers” into Google, she came up with the Dave Barry weblog. She tells Jack that she didn’t think that was anything useful, so she entered “bada bing kaching fireworks” and it came up with the Dave Barry weblog again! She tells Jack that she even tried: “squirrels exploding toilets snakes”, and it STILL came up with the Dave Barry weblog.

6:03 am – Jack asks Chloe if there’s something on that website that can help them with the situation there in. Chloe says, “It’s a weblog, not a website! You are just so web 1.0.” Jack asks what a “weblog” is, and Chloe tells him to get with the program. Chloe says, “Everyone has a weblog! Even I have a weblog”. Jack says, “Right now, I don’t care what kind of ‘web-thingie’ it is, all I want to know is, can it help us?” Chloe does a little more checking, and tells Jack that somehow all the events from yesterday and today are all chronicled on the Dave Barry weblog already, but she’s not really sure how it was done. Chloe says, “From what I can tell, there are a lot of other CTU field agents that must be doing surveillance on what’s happening out in the field, and they’re all posting under aliases to protect their identities. According to this, it appears that the Marwans are in Washington with you right now, over at the Lincoln Memorial, but that’s where it ends.” Jack hangs up and tells Curtis they need to get to the Lincoln Memorial.

6:05 am – Manilow reaches the White House guard house with Janosz. Manilow leans over to Janosz and says, “I have a plan.” The guard asks for an ID as they approach, and says, “Snap it up, will ya? We just flew in. We’re tired. We’re hungry. We have this stupid car…” Janosz looks like he’s going to freak out at the tactic that Manilow has taken.

The guard looks at Manilow’s ID, and gets an astonished look on his face. The guard tells Manilow that he and his guest can pass, and they start walking up the driveway to the White House. Manilow tells Janosz, “See? I told you it would work!”

6:07 am – Audrey still in a daze from being locked in a cage at the zoo, wanders aimlessly down the street. A mugger wielding a knife pulls her into an alley, and we hear a loud scream. Audrey comes walking out of the alley, and we see the would-be mugger sitting on the ground, twitching, repeating the words, “The horror! The horror!” over and over to himself.

6:09 am – Jack and Curtis jog towards the memorial, along with a few other joggers who are out for a morning run. Thankfully, Curtis is back into his regular clothes after having worn the King Tut costume for most of the last hour. They see a jogger running right towards them, but he looks startled and makes a left turn before they can get to him. Curtis reminds Jack that jogging with a gun waving around in his hand is not probably the best thing he can be doing right now. Jack puts the gun away.

6:12 am – As Jack and Curtis pass by 18th street, Julian views them from the bushes he’s hiding in. He makes a phone call to Hollywood. Julian tells Hollywood that the plan has gone horribly wrong, that he just missed getting caught by Jack Bauer, and that he needs a car to get out of there right away. Hollywood tells him to calm down. Julian tells Hollywood that HE should calm down, because HIS brother didn’t just turn into a zombie and start killing people. Hollywood tells Julian to go to a public place and call when he gets there.

6:14 am – Audrey pauses on the streets, not quite sure of where she’s headed. She looks in a shop window, and she sees 20 squirrels all staring at her. Audrey backs up, trips over a garbage can, gets back up and runs screaming down the street. The squirrels in the shop window have now all changed to weather men, since the commercial ended and the TVs are all back to the same morning news program.

6:16 am – Jack and Curtis make their way to the Lincoln Memorial, which is covered by a huge canvas tarp which reads, “Renovation sponsored by The Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. There are trucks, motorcycles and bicycles where the construction workers have parked while the work on the memorial. Jack tells Curtis, “Be very very quiet”. Curtis says, “We’re hunting wabbits?” Jack ignores this, pulls out his gun, and walks up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial. Curtis follows.

6:19 am – Jack and Curtis slip under the canvas tarp, and look around. There is construction equipment everywhere, along with quite an assortment of dead bodies. The dead bodies seem to be missing parts of their heads, where it looks like something tried to eat part of their brains. Curtis thinks this is completely disgusting, and nearly throws up. Jack says this reminds him of what happened after Audrey’s last dinner party, and that pushes Curtis over the edge – he runs back outside and does throw up.

6:21 am – Jack takes a more careful look at the bodies, and realizes that among the construction workers, there are also men in suits who appear to be executives. One of the bodies is clutching a folder which Jack bends down and looks at. It’s labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”.

6:23 am – Audrey, who thinks squirrels are chasing her, runs down the street, screaming. After she runs past the 23rd Starbucks on this street alone, she looks behind her, and doesn’t see any squirrels. She realizes that she’s thirsty and hungry after everything that’s happened today, so she looks in her purse to see if she has any money to buy something from the coffee shop. Her purse contains three Pez dispensers, an ATM card, and a sonic screwdriver from a doctor she briefly dated a couple of hours ago (that’s another story), but no cash. She decides to try to find a bank, and goes off in search of one.

6:22 am – Jack calls Curtis back in. Curtis makes Jack swear that he never mention Audrey’s cooking again, which he does. Jack reads from the folder while Curtis looks around a little more. Jack says that it is a master plan of how the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plans on pushing legislation through Congress, how it plans to install low-low-flow toilets all over the country, and its connections with terrorist organizations that will take over the country once all the toilet installations are complete.

6:25 am – Jack gets to a section of the document that discusses plans on marketing the new low-low-flow toilets. Jack tells Curtis, “It says here that they want to try to win over the American public through clever jingles and by creating a lovable figure at the Lincoln Memorial. UGH! I’m NOT going to tell you what their jingle is; let’s just say it’s a play on the words to the Hokey Pokey, it involves toilets, and leave it at that.”

Curtis says, “Uh, Jack?”

Jack ignores him, and says, “Well, at least they have a “Shake It All About” shield. Disgusting! Anyway, I have to wonder what they’re planning here at the Memorial? We’re going to have to figure out what happened to these people too.”

Curtis says, “JACK!”

Jack says, “What is it? Can’t you see…” Jack looks in the direction Curtis is shining a flashlight. The construction workers were in the process of replacing the statue of Lincoln with an exact duplicate – except it’s sitting on a giant Hokey Pokey Toilet.

6:28 am – They hear a noise coming from near the top of the new statue. Curtis shines the light up to the top. We can see Marwan, his eyes glazed over in white, and he’s trying to gnaw at the head of the statue, trying to get at the brains inside of it. Instantly, Jack starts shooting at Marwan, who doesn’t seem to notice at first, despite getting hit with several bullets. Marwan looks up, and says, “Jack Bauer! How nice of you to attend my breakfast buffet! If I knew you…”

Curtis interrupts, “…were coming you would have baked a cake?”

Marwan continues, “… were going to be here, I would have saved you a spot! Sorry, but I think it’s time for me to leave!” He slides down the back of the statue, out of sight.

6:28 am – Jack reloads his gun as he and Curtis move towards the back of the statue. When they get there, they see an open door behind the statue that leads to the outside. Marwan is gone. Jack and Curtis run to the parking lot, each jump on a motorcycle, which just happen to conveniently have keys in their ignitions. They start the motorcycles, and head north, still searching for where Marwan went.

6:33 am – Manilow and Janosz have actually made their way into the White House, where they’re walking the halls. Manilow attempts to help Janosz speak with less of an accent. Manilow says, “Listen, we’ll have to make up a name for you. Uh… Try ‘Thomas Lennox’. Try saying that.”

Janosz says, “Tomax Lennos. Tomax Lennos.”

6:36 am – Julian is outside of the National Aquarium on a pay phone, speaking with Hollywood. Hollywood tells Julian that he’s going to have to change his name to something non-descript, and go into hiding until they can figure out a plan. Julian thinks a minute, and says, “How about ‘Hamir Al-Assad’? Is that a good name?” Hollywood says, “Sure… If you’re trying to blend in, in the Mideast! That’s not going to work here!” Julian says that he likes the name and is going to keep it, and asks Hollywood to get a car to the National Aquarium immediately.

6:38 am – Jack and Curtis still haven’t been able to find Marwan, so they start to head east. They get a little way down the road, and Curtis notices that the man on the pay phone just up the street has a striking resemblance to Julian. Jack tells him that is only because it IS Julian. Jack speeds up his motorcycle and starts to shoot!

6:38 am (later on that same minute) – Julian sees Jack down the street shooting at him, and runs up the steps to the front door of the aquarium. Jack misses. Julian shoots the glass, and doesn’t even slow down and keeps running as the glass shatters all around him.

6:39 am – Jack continues to drive at stop speed into the Aquarium foyer, where he skids to a halt. Julian has disappeared at the top of a second set of steps. Jack revs the engine, and speeds to the top of the stairs.

6:40 am – Unfortunately, there’s an observation station at the top of the stairs where people can view the tank of a huge shark. Jack doesn’t see this until he barrels over the top of the stars. The front wheel of his motorcycle hits the edge of the observation wall in just the right way so that Jack and his motorcycle hit everything perfectly to jump the shark.

Jack lands on the other side of the tank with just inches to spare. Jack gets off his motorcycle and chases after Julian.

6:41 am – Julian races through the aquarium, and runs through one of the exits. A car pulls up and screeches to a halt. Julian opens the passenger door, jumps in, and yells, “Drive! Drive!” The car’s tires squeal, and it drives off.

6:42 am – Jack bursts through the exit, just in time to see the car drive off. Curtis rounds the building on his motorcycle, and Jack waves him over. He tells Curtis to give him the motorcycle so that he can go after the car. Jack gets on the motorcycle and heads after the car. Curtis runs into the building to get the other motorcycle.

Julian takes a deep breath, ready to yell at the driver, and realizes it’s his brother, Marwan! Marwan does NOT look in any shape to drive, or do much of anything else. He’s gotten considerably paler, and has blood all over him. He turns to Julian and says, “I have the car packed with explosives to defeat Bauer! Brother, join me for life eternal!” Marwan’s maniacal grin is too much for even Julian. Julian opens the passenger door, and jumps out the door as they round a corner! Julian falls out and rolls into some bushes.

6:44 am – Jack rounds the corner, sees the car, but doesn’t see that Julian has jumped out of it. The car continues down the road into an area where they’re doing road construction work. Jack gets on the phone and talks with Curtis as he’s driving to let him know what’s happening.

6:45 am – Jack leans forward on the motorcycle and speeds up. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting, just as the car heads into a construction area, where they’ve unloaded a steam roller that’s doing pothole work further up the road. Several 18-wheelers, a truck carrying plate glass, and an ice cream supply truck, are making their way around either side of the really huge pothole, but they all are currently stopped for a moving company that is working on taking a piano out of a second story window. One of the construction workers has a radio playing. It happens to be turned to WOMI Radio (motto: “Supplying all your ominous foreshadowing music needs”).

Marwan swerves to get out of the way of all the traffic in front of him, only to see traffic from the oncoming lane headed straight for him. He turns to avoid the traffic and the tires on one side of the car hit a small ramp being used to unload supplies from a truck on the side of the road. Marwan’s car goes up on two wheels as it continues to speed down the road. Jack stops the motorcycle, takes careful aim, and shoots the gas tank of the car. The gas tank explodes which sends Marwan’s car high into the air, end over end.

The men with the piano see the car flying through the air, so they make a run for it. The car goes straight through the piano, taking out the lower half of it. Amazingly, it continues to hang from its rope. The car starts to descend, coming close to hitting another truck, this one labeled “ACME Anvils and Ball Bearings”. The truck swerves out of control, sending anvils and ball bearings all over the road. Trucks and cars are spinning everywhere. Marwan’s car spins 180 degrees, and we can see that Marwan is still behind the wheel smiling at Jack, just as a stray anvil goes zooming through the driver’s side of the windshield. The force from the anvil hitting the car is so great that the car lurches backwards right into the huge pothole, making Marwan’s flaming car disappear from view.

Things start to calm down for a few seconds as people scramble to get out of their trucks and cars and to get out of the way. Jack pulls the motorcycle up to the edge of the scene, just as we see Marwan climbing out of the hole! Marwans slips on a couple of the ball bearings, but regains his footing as he pulls out his gun, and tells Jack, “You can’t defeat me!”

Jack raises his gun, and shoots the rope holding the remains of the piano, and which crashes right on top of Marwan, sending him back into the pothole. There’s another loud explosion from what’s left of Marwan’s car. Jack takes several steps towards the pothole, and we see the flaming figure of Marwan start to climb up out of the pothole again!

Jack rolls his eyes and says, “Oh, come ON!” He looks to the side and sees the plate glass truck, which until this point has come through unscathed. He decides to scathe it. Jack shoots at the truck, sending glass fragments everywhere. A very large glass shard slides off the truck and appears to go through Marwan at an angle, but Marwan is still standing! Marwan looks down at himself, starts to laugh, and says, “I’m invincible!”

Marwan raises his gun towards Jack, and says, “Good bye, Mr. Bauer!” He stops suddenly, looks down and says, “Oh oh…”. The top half of Marwan slides off diagonally and rolls into the pothole, leaving his bottom half standing there for a second until it falls into the hole too. Another huge explosion from Marwan’s car sends the ice cream supply truck high into the air.

Jack says, “Goodbye, Marwan”, and shoots the controls at the rear of the asphalt truck. The truck dumps all of its asphalt into the hole, completely covering everything. A huge pile of whipped cream from the ice cream supply truck drops right on top of the asphalt, followed by a the contents of several barrels of sprinkles. A single cherry falls from the sky, and lands right in the middle of the whipped cream.

Jack gets off his motorcycle and tells Curtis that he thinks they’ve finally gotten the Marwans.

6:47 am – Manilow rounds a corner in the White House and comes face to face with Agent Aaron Pierce! Manilow gets a surprised look on his face. He also gets Aaron’s fist planted in his face too. Manilow falls to the ground, and more agents round the corner. In the commotion, Janosz sneaks off down the hallway, and finds an empty office. He closes the door, and starts setting himself up as if he’s always been there.

6:49 am – Curtis is with Jack at the site of the Marwan’s demise. Curtis asks where the Marwan brothers are, and Jack points to the freshly covered pothole. Jack calls Chloe, and tells her that the Marwans are dead, and about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plot. She tells Jack that Bill has already ordered raids of all branches of the company, along with getting a judge to order that all their assets be frozen, and that RoboEdgar has been ordered home. Jack tells her that she did great work today, and that he and Curtis are headed home too.

From a distance, we see Julian on the phone, telling Hollywood that he escaped. He tells Hollywood, “I’m going to get Jack Bauer if it’s the last thing I do”.

6:52 am – Jack tells Curtis that they should get something to eat. Curtis agrees, and tells Jack that he knows of a 24-hour Chinese restaurant that has high-brow karaoke. Jack looks at Curtis like he’s crazy, but Curtis convinces him to go.

6:54 am – Audrey finds a bank. The door is a bit stuck, but she forces it open, and it closes with a loud click behind her. She looks for an ATM, and realizes there isn’t one, so she tries to leave. She starts screaming, but nobody hears her. She’s stuck in there until someone opens up the bank. She settles down and waits for the bank to open so she can conduct her business in some peace and quiet. After all, what could happen while she’s at the bank?

6:56 am – Jack and Curtis enter the Wing Sing Dining Thing restaurant. There’s a very large woman singing in another part of the restaurant. Jack and Curtis order their food. Jack excuses himself, telling Curtis he has to use the little CTU agent’s room.

6:57 am – Jack enters the Men’s bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He briefly attempts to pull the fake beard and mustache off of his face, but it’s still firmly glued there. Jack opens one of the bathroom stalls, and goes in. He turns to close the door, and then quickly turns around again to face the toilet. It’s a low-low-flow toilet from the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company! Jack says, “Oh, no…” just as he gets hit in the head from behind. He falls over. Several Chinese men tie Jack up, grab him by the hands and feet, and carry him out of the bathroom, through the kitchen, and out the back door. The Chinese ambassador is standing next to a limousine with its trunk wide open. They throw Jack into the trunk and slam it shut. The ambassador tells the driver that he wants the entire limousine sent back on the boat, and to not let Jack out of the trunk until they’ve reached China. The limousine drives off. The ambassador gets into another car, and drives off with that too.

6:59 am – Curtis realizes that Jack has been gone a little too long, and goes into the men’s room. The bathroom is empty. He checks the bathroom stalls. He sees that the Jackphone is on the floor next to the low-low-flow toilet and realizes what must have happened, just as the lady in the restaurant stops singing.

7:00 am – That’s all folks!

Thanks to Dave Barry and Judi Smith for letting me post these episodes on the weblog and to everyone that read the story over the last 24 weeks.

Thanks also to my wife Mary and to my friend John, both of whom many good suggestions (and corrections) for many of these episodes.