Category: 24

I post these on Dave Barry’s Blog right after I get done writing them, which is usually about an hour to an hour and a half after the show is over. I say “usually”, because tonight the software bot from Typepad didn’t like the word “chat”, and it took me quite a while to find it, so I posted late after making a lot of edits to the text to try and figure out what was wrong.

Anyway, here’s the full version, without all the edits I did in the one I posted on Dave’s blog. Hope you like it!

Previously on “24”: We found out that: Audrey can’t converse; Things between Chloe and Morris got worse; Mark Bishop searched Evil Lisa’s purse; President Wayne still needs a nurse; Jack is under a curse; The whole cast hopes to find a new plot to rehearse.

The following summary occurred between 2 am and 3 am:

2:00 am – Jack is in a room alone having a staring contest against himself, when Nadia comes in and tells him that Heller is filing a restraining order against Jack so that Audrey won’t have to be seen on the show anymore. Nadia tells Jack that they’ve found copper particles on Audrey, which either means they’ve been throwing pennies at her, or they’ve been keeping her in an old abandoned copper mine, which Los Angeles is so well known for. Jack really wants to go get Cheng, but Nadia won’t let him. It sure looks like Jack thinks he can take the guards out (and not for lunch). Nadia informs Jack that’s it’s nearly been two hours since she’s been put in charge, so it’s time for a new replacement, who will arrive shortly.

2:04 am – Milo goes to find out about the Bloomfield mine, and Morris makes the astute observation that the place is “big”, not one of those small copper mining companies that they use to make American Girl doll accessories. Milo asks Chloe a question and she snaps at him, which isn’t really unusual Chloe behavior, but she won’t say what’s wrong. Morris tells Milo he should just stay out of it, probably sensing that Chloe was just about to go for her taser.

2:05 am – Mike and a bunch of CTU tactical guys, who haven’t been named because they’re going to be the professional bullet catchers this episode, are getting dressed all in black to go to a formal shootout. Nadia comes in and tells everyone exactly what they probably know already: They’re going to get some Chinese, and that doesn’t mean they’re headed for some dim sum; they’re going to try and get the chip back, without the assistance of Jack Bauer (you can tell this makes some of them very nervous). Nadia tells them, “There is no room for error”, since they’re not allowed to use horseshoes or hand grenades. Mike points out they’re going to put every available agent out in the field, and that there’s no way this could ever possibly be a problem. Nadia tells him it would be better to go get Cheng.

2:08 am – Cheng arrives at his secret hideout. He tells his tech support guy to upload the data to his men, using USB ports that Cheng previously installed in them. Cheng and his tech support guy’s captions on the bottom of the screen make it look like they’re arguing about whether the men they’re going to use for this mission are capable or not. A quick check with Babelfish tells us they’re just arguing about what’s going to happen in the season finale of Lost. The guys Cheng picked bought expensive Bluetooth headsets and now they can’t afford shirt sleeves, and they look pretty mad about it. Cheng tells them they have to attack “the target” in 15 minutes.

Commercial

2:13 am – Marilyn and Josh talk about how Graem was part of the whole plot that ended up with a nuke going off, and Josh says he wishes he never signed up to be on the show, but corrects himself and says “to be part of this sick family”.

2:15 am – Chloe goes to see Marilyn, and tells her that Audrey is still alive. Marilyn seems completely surprised, as if she hatched the whole plot to get Audrey to go to China after Jack, but that would be a plot twist too silly even for “24”.

2:16 am – Evil Mark gets a call from Evil Lisa, and they make small talk while everyone in the White House, including some of the cleaning staff listen in, in hopes of Mark and Lisa saying something naughty to each other, but it doesn’t happen. Lisa does casually mention that the Chinese “crisis” has been averted, and Mark seems to take that well, and doesn’t blurt out any swear words in Russian.

2:17 am – Lennox hands Lisa her PDA and tells her to go back to Mark. She’s supposed to act completely casual, and immediately excuse herself to go to the bathroom to throw up so Mark can access some fake files that say: “The Chinese guy who was headed out of the country was killed and the Russian chip was destroyed. The Russian chip is definitely NOT still in Chinese hands and they’re NOT still trying to get it back. Nope. Nuh-uh”. They’re hoping that will convince the Russians. Lisa is nervous about this whole “acting” thing in front of Mark, and everyone else in the cast can sympathize because “acting is hard”.

2:18 am – Jack is either trying to have a staring contest with the table, or he’s trying to use his heat vision to burn a whole in it, when Chloe comes in with Marilyn. Jack says he’ll be fine and shooting in no time, but Marilyn just wants to talk about Audrey. Jack just doesn’t want to talk about it. (THANK YOU, JACK!) Marilyn tells Jack that after all this is over, she’s up for dating Jack. She leaves. Chloe tells Jack that Mike is going after Cheng.

2:19 am – Back at Cheng’s headquarters, one of his men brings over a PDA with a maze game that he can’t quite figure out without Cheng’s help. Cheng says they’re going to be in optimal position for a surgical strike! They’re going to attack an operating room!

2:20 am – Mike arrives at the front entrance to Bloomfield, throwing everyone off because no one EVER goes in the front entrance. That’s executive thinking.

The guy Cheng has been talking to is slowly catching on to what Cheng is planning, and realizes that people “are going to die, and stuff”. This guy must be from the Valley.

CTU outside cuts through the high security chain link fence with some Jack Bauer toe tail clippers (that’s a bolt cutter, to you and me).

Cheng tells his nervous Valley guy that their objective is to “get the package”.

Finally! One of the CTU tactical guys puts a bomb on the door to the entrance! It goes off…. Like a sparkler! Pfft! Jack would have used something that would have taken out the whole wall. Mike and the CTU guys rush in! They’re doing a great job securing a completely empty warehouse so far, and they continue.

It looks like Cheng is not going to get back his rental deposit on this secret hideout, because there’s huge hole in the floor straight with a rope going into it down to the sewers . This is NOT the kind of thing you can cover up with a nice Chinese rug either. The guys plan on heading 180 meters to the target. Cheng says, “Don’t let me down”, so I don’t think Cheng intends to go down the hole with them.

2:22 am – CTU tactical tells Mike that the empty building put up a struggle, but now it’s completely secured. The guy takes Mike over to a large pile of empty weapons boxes, and it’s either Jack’s pile of recyclables, or they just found that the Chinese have a lot of weapons right now. There still seems to be a complete absence of any Chinese guys there. Mike calls Nadia and tells her to be on the look out for a couple of guys carrying a LOT of weapons, or a bunch of guys carrying a few weapons each. Since this is Los Angeles, that might be a tall order. Neither of them have any idea what the Chinese are planning.

2:23 am – The Chinese guys are all in the sewers now, some of them rethinking their career choices. The head commando guy calls Cheng, and asks for directions because GPS units don’t work very well underground. Cheng tells them where to go, and when they get there, they’ll be all set to break into CTU!

Commercial

2:28 am – Morris asks Chloe for some help on some images, and then they launch into a whole discussion of why they broke up. I expect to see Dr. Phil walk in at any moment.

2:30 am – Lennox is outside of the building with Lisa. Lisa says she’s frightened about doing this. Lennox tries to reassure her by telling her that she should be frightened because she could be facing treason charges. (He was never really good a reassuring people). They give Lisa a HUGE purse with a non-descript camera lens in the side to film the whole thing, and she heads into the secret apartment. Lennox calls to tell Noah what is going on.

2:31 am – Just as Evil Lisa comes to the door, Mark opens it. They kiss, but Mark thinks that something is wrong because Lisa doesn’t taste as Evil as she usually is. Lisa tries to leave, but Mark won’t let her. Lennox and the surveillance crew watch this from the camera in the bag. Lennox forgets that he didn’t give Lisa an earpiece but continues to try and give her instructions anyway. Lisa tries to go “freshen up again”, but Mark convinces her that they need to debrief each other some more.

Commercial

2:39 am – The Chinese commandos arrive at a grate with a light above it just under CTU, and it gives them access to the security system! You would think that something like that would have been looked into after last year’s attack on CTU. They’ll have everything shut down in two minutes! CTU’s first clue will probably be when the computers stop working.

2:40 am – Milo goes to talk to Nadia with information, but she’s a lot more interested in letting him know that she and Mike are “just friends” and not “shooting buddies”. Chloe interrupts to tell them both she’s figured out that the Chinese guys did in fact get into cars and drive away from where Mike is, sometime before Mike got there. Glad someone cleared THAT up.

2:41 am – One of the Chinese commandos gets mad at the grate, and decides he’s going to cut through it. He warns everyone.

2:42 am – Nadia tries to call Doyle, but can’t get a hold of him because she has her cell phone on CTU cell towers, and not on roaming (because of the high charges)! No one can get an outside line, but strangely they can call each other on the inside, because Milo gets a phone call.

Chinese commando are on their way up through where the grate used to be, but they’re going to have a hard time sneaking around upstairs without smelling their sewer water drenched clothes from a mile away.

Morris can’t figure out why his computer can’t reach any of the servers, yet Milo got a phone call just a minute before. Chloe, meanwhile doesn’t seem to have a problem with her computer (well, this is Chloe we’re talking about, after all), and says she knows where Cheng was headed. Milo proves why he’s not in charge when he tells Nadia that he thinks it is kinda weird that all the cameras are out all over CTU. Nadia realizes that what’s going on isn’t going to look very good on her resume as she tells Chloe to do a “Code Red Emergency Lockdown”.

2:43 am – Just in case someone can’t hear the emergency buzzer going off all over CTU, they put a large red circle over the big displays in the room just to make them harder to read. The Chinese commandos are in CTU, and they start shooting random security guys. Nadia tells everyone to go to their happy places, and everyone scatters. Marilyn and Josh hear all this going on, and don’t know what to make of it. Jack hears it too, and looks mad that he doesn’t have a gun to join in on the fun, when the guard won’t let him out.

2:44 am – The head commando is really mad at the ceiling because he shoots it without even looking at it as he enters the main CTU control area and tells everyone to get down. A couple of people start dancing disco until they realize he meant to drop to the floor. The guard at Jack’s door finally opens it up, gets some instructions from Jack, and promptly gets shot before he can do anything. Jack makes a face like “this ALWAYS happens”. Fortunately the guy who shot the guard isn’t too bright because he decides to kick in another door, and completely ignore who the guard was talking to.

Jack dives for a gun and shoots a couple of bad guys and some bad looking CTU glass.

The head commando asks to have everyone’s cell phones, because he’s trying to pick a new one and needs to look at the latest and greatest. He tells one of his men to filter all communication and to turn off the alarm because it’s annoying and no one outside of CTU can hear it anyway.

Jack makes up for not shooting anyone for a while by shooting a couple of more people, some more glass, and upgrades to a submachine gun when his pistol runs out of bullets.

2:45 am – Head Commando asks who’s in command, and just as Nadia starts to get up, Milo gets up instead. Head Commando fires Milo, making that the briefest CTU command in history.

Commercial

2:50 am – Jack is up on the second level of CTU and can see that everyone else is being rushed off into another room, reminding themselves to never volunteer that they’re in charge of CTU if anyone ever asks that question.

Marilyn is still in another room and can’t figure out why, even with alarms and guns going off, that the phone is dead. She sees two guys with guns down the hallway! Marilyn gets Josh to help her move a couch in front of the glass door, because using her powerful reasoning skills she can just tell that there would be no way that two grown men could figure out how to get around THAT. Or even get through the solid glass walls surrounding the room. That plan is foiled when the two guys push their way in, and tell Head Commando and Cheng they found Josh! It was Josh they were after! They start to leave, but Uncle Jack arrives and gives each of the Chinese commandos a couple of bullets a piece, as a gift. They don’t take them very well, and hit the ground. Marilyn seems pretty freaked out that they wanted Josh, as she tells Jack. Jack seems pretty impressed because he was 18 before any commandos wanted to take him hostage. Jack, Marilyn and Josh sneak through CTU while some more Chinese Commandos sneak around after them.

2:52 am – They all enter the Fizzy Lifting Drink room. Jack jams his gun into the fan, and tells Josh to go up the air duct, which doesn’t thrill him very much because he knows Mr. Wonka won’t like him messing up his air duct. Josh climbs up the air duct. Marilyn starts to as well, and the Chinese commandos break in, taking both Jack and Marilyn hostage. One of them calls Head Commando and explains the situation. Head Commando wants to see Jack and Marilyn

2:53 am – They have cameras everywhere at CTU…. Even the air ducts, because we can see Josh crawling around in them.

Head Commando tells Cheng, who isn’t too happy because he really wanted a young white American kid to take hostage.

One of the tech support commandos tells Head Commando that Mike is calling in to chat with Nadia. Head Commando says “Nadia Yassir, stand up!” Morris briefly looks like he’s going to stand up to take her place, but realizes at the last second he probably couldn’t pull off a Nadia impersonation. Nadia stands up, but looks a little freaked out because she remembers the last time Head Commando said “Come here”. Head Commando figured out that Nadia is really in charge because he used technology called “a roster”. He warns Nadia to not let Mike know what’s going on. She talks to Mike to let him know everything is just peachy at CTU.

2:57 am – Jack and Marilyn arrive. Head Commando uses the PA system, which is even installed in the air ducts at CTU (they think of everything), and tries to convince Josh to come down or Marilyn is going to die. Head Commando starts counting, and they get Josh out just before Marilyn is shot. Head Commando tells Cheng they have Josh.

2:59 am – Cheng calls Grampa Bauer to let him know they have Josh, and to thank him for providing the security codes to CTU. Now, how in the heck does Jack’s father know the security codes to CTU? You know how? Internet. You can find anything there. Jack’s dad also has a guy that can read Russian service manuals and work on Russian chips, and Cheng will exchange Josh for the chip.

3:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY! HEAD SLAMS! JACK’S DAD WANTS TO GO TO CHINA WITH JOSH! SLIDING AROUND AND SHOOTING! EVIL MARK MAKES A MAD FACE! NOAH GETS EXCITED! MAYBE WAR!

Previously on “24”, we saw that – Jack was able to confuse CTU by driving under some power lines; Mike has been going to psychic classes and knew exactly where to go to find Jack; Bill was put on his annual “You’re not the head of CTU anymore” vacation; Audrey has taken some Chinese language lessons a little too seriously and has completely forgotten how to speak English, because her head can only hold one language at a time.

The following summary occurred between 1 am and 2 am:

1:00 am – While he was waiting for everyone to show up, Jack took the time to clean the whole building so there would be a nice clean explosion. He tells one of the CTU field agents that, yes, that was the only plastic explosive he had time to rig.

1:01 am – Mike goes to talk to Audrey, but she’s still very upset about Silver Spoons being cancelled so all she says to him is “Help me Jack! Please don’t let them do this to me!”, and several million viewers make the same plea to the writers about the rest of the episode.

1:02 am – Nadia has jumped right into CTU command, setting up perimeters and everything. She starts cutting off people while they explain what she just asked them to explain. This is going to be very endearing. At this rate, the people in the office will be rigging her chair to explode any time now.

1:04 am – Morris goes to see Nadia, and she denies his request to be reassigned, making her even more popular. Morris is pretty insistent, but Nadia doesn’t want to hear about it. Morris looks at her office chair, sizing it up it up for just the right kind of office explosives.

1:05 am – Nadia gets a call from Mike, who wants to know if they have a lead on Cheng yet, besides the three huge black Hummers that they just drove off in. It sounds like Mike has lost his amazing powers of deduction that he used to find Jack. Nadia asks about Audrey. Mike says that Audrey is completely non-responsive, and that the Chinese must have done a little take-out on her brain, because she’s acting weirder than normal. Nadia insists that Audrey be brought back to CTU, because there are going to be a lot of people that are going to want to make fun of her there. Nadia asks if Mike has enough psychic energy left to know what Jack was thinking, and he tells her all about Jack’s plan to blow up the building and sacrifice himself. Despite this, Nadia is still mad that Jack let the secret chip get away. Jack tries to get Mike to let him talk to Audrey, because they used the same Britney Spears videos when they tortured him, but Mike refuses. Mike takes Jack and Audrey separately back to CTU.

1:06 am – Karen briefs Acting President Noah about Cheng’s escape, and Noah looks like he doesn’t like sitting in The Big Seat as much as he had previously hoped. He asks about Bill and how it went when Karen fired him, hoping that she at least had SOME fun with it, because Noah sure would have. Noah gives a little speech to Karen that he gave to Lennox to make sure that she is on board too. Lennox interrupts to let Noah know that the Russian President is on the video phone. Since they get “24” on iTunes, the President probably already knows about Cheng having the chip.

1:07 am – Off in her evil secret lair, Evil Lisa locks a secret evil door, and surprise! Gets jumped by an evil lobbyist. They immediately start negotiating the clothes off each other.

1:08 am – Back at the White House, Noah is on the phone with the Russian President, who points out that Russia is still doing better than America in the President count, since America has already had four during the time he’s been in power. As expected, Sukarov already knows everything about what has been going on. Noah makes a pun and says that he won’t let Sukarov “dictate” to him. (Ha! Soviet humor). Noah tries to play up the “Hey! You guys let an ex-Russian General in OUR country!” angle, but Sukarov isn’t deterred. Sukarov threatens to let his Russian generals have an “appropriate response”, and hangs up.

1:09 am – Noah is freaked out about the Russians already knowing that’s going on and wants all White House blogging to stop immediately. Lennox points out that it probably wasn’t the blogs that did it, but it was more than likely a spy at the White House or CTU!
Noah tells Lennox and Karen that CTU can get whatever they need to find Cheng.

1:10 am – We finally have an answer about how Cheng was able to get away: They used their lo-beam headlights so no one would see them! Even more surprising, Cheng has the exact interface he needs to connect the chip and upload its information to his technical support guy, who is less than an hour away. Oops! They must be running windows, because the tech support guy says they need a special access code to get at the chip, and their computers don’t have Windows Genuine Advantage software installed. The tech support guy says they’re going to need someone to figure this out for them, and since their phone calls to India are likely to be monitored, they’ll need to find someone. This would be a really bad time for Morris to go to the 7-11.

Commercial

1:17 am – It’s been ten minutes, so of course Evil Lisa is done “debriefing” the guy in her secret evil hideaway. She goes off to take a shower, and of course, he goes into her purse to download something evil from her evil phone. Evil Lisa’s Evil Guy makes a quick phone call to another VERY evil looking guy, who confirms that Evil Lisa has no evil idea about any of this new evil stuff.

1:18 am – Chloe asks Morris what he was talking to Nadia about, and he explains his transfer was denied. Chloe apologizes to Morris for that “You armed a nuclear weapon today” crack. Morris tells her that they are “over”. (We didn’t even know they were really “started” again. We should pay better attention). Chloe seems to be pretty upset, since her chances with any of the other CTU guys are pretty slim, since she has no other technical equal there. She hides her face in the wall and tries to blow her nose while she cries, but cement isn’t very good for that.

1:19 am – Karen tells Nadia the good news about the Russians wanting to blow something up, and that Nadia can have some more resources. A team of experts has arrived to see Audrey too, but they haven’t looked at her yet. Nadia, realizing she’s now in WAY over her head, and that she’s already ticked off a bunch of the remaining CTU staff, asks Karen to have Bill back in charge. Karen won’t tell Nadia what happened.

1:20 am – Nadia tells Dr. Bradley, the doctor who will look at Audrey, that she wants to hear his impressions immediately. Dr. Bradley says that he does a great Christopher Walken, but there will be time for that after he’s looked at Audrey.

1:21 am – Milo tells Nadia that Mike and Jack have just landed. Nadia wants Jack secured (HA!), and wants to see Mike right away.

1:22 am – Dr. Miracle Max Bradley goes to see Audrey, who is doing some of her best acting ever by not saying a thing. They find little black marks on her arm, which are, technically, bruises.

1:23 am – Mike drops off Jack in a CTU interrogation cell, and Jack continues to beg to see Audrey. Jack tells Mike to “Take care of Audrey”, but he doesn’t really mean what the rest of us hope that really means.

1:24 am – Back in Audrey’s room, Dr. Bradley keeps saying “look at this!”, like this is first day on the job. He comes out to explain what everyone already knows: Audrey isn’t saying anything. It turns out that she either got repeatedly attacked with porcupines or that the Chinese gave her over 100 injections. Dr. Bradley seems to think the best course of action is to give Audrey even MORE drugs that will help her snap out of it. Mike is against this, and Dr. Bradley points out these are good American drugs, not the cheap Chinese stuff. Nadia asks what the downsides are, and Dr. Bradley says that it could cause vascular damage, neurological damage, and even death. Nadia says that she’s aware of the upside to all this, but wants to know what the downside is. Dr. Bradley says this is the only thing that will work. If only they had a Jack Bauer! Then they could do something! Mike says they do have a Jack Bauer! Dr. Bradley thinks a second and says that Jack might just upset Audrey more. Mike points out that at least Jack wouldn’t kill her, and Nadia points out there’s a downside for everything. Dr. Bradley says that he’s in charge, and since he has a lot of needles ready to go, he’s more comfortable about attempting something that might kill Audrey. He leaves.

1:25 am – Mike tries to convince Nadia to let Jack try to talk to Audrey, because it is what “Bill would have done”. Nadia gets a little miffed about this.

Commercial

1:30 am – Acting President Noah calls Evil Lisa and wants to know where she is, and that she needs to get to work right away. Noah says “I need you”. Evil Lisa says “I need you too”, but I doubt they’re talking about the same thing. Evil Guy and Evil Lisa kiss, and she leaves. Evil Guy calls Really Evil Guy, but we don’t hear what they say.

1:31 am – Lennox arrives in Noah’s office, and beats around the bush for a while about the CIA report he’s holding, outlining that someone at the White House is talking to Evil Guy, whose name is Mark Bishop. Lennox finally tells Noah that Evil Lisa is involved, and Noah seems really surprised. Noah had been thinking he was the only one she’s been evil with. Lennox points out that they have lots of evidence that Evil Lisa and Evil Mark have been evilly meeting for lots of evil naughty time. Noah says this is a pretty big problem because he’s been playing Evil Noah with Evil Lisa and they’ve been having evil naughty time together too. Lennox gets a look on his face as if to ask why HE wasn’t getting any evil naughty time, but doesn’t say anything. Noah tries to explain how he and Evil Lisa get involved while Lennox makes a lot of disgusted expressions. Lennox finally tells Noah that they might be able to turn this whole situation to their advantage.

1:35 am – Mike goes to see Jack, and tells Jack about Dr. Bradley’s evil plan…. While he uncuffs Jack!!! He tells Jack to “Make it look good”, and turns his back! Jack jumps Mike and makes him pass out. Jack gets out of the cell, grabs a gun from a guard, and goes after Audrey!

1:36 am – Dr. Bradley gets everything set up so he can try and kill, er, I mean, “help” Audrey, and Jack bursts into the room! He grabs Dr. Bradley throws him against the wall, and takes Audrey. After they leave, Dr. Bradley pulls the “Jack Bauer Has Audrey” alarm, and everyone at CTU knows that Jack has Audrey. Nobody except Nadia seems to be the slightest bit surprised.

Commercial

1:41 am – Morris tells Nadia that they still haven’t found Jack. Morris says it’s going to take a little bit of time, and Nadia offers the helpful manager advice of “make it take LESS time”. I’m sure Morris never thought of THAT. Good thing Nadia is on the job. Nadia looks up to not see Chloe, because Chloe is either invisible or not in her seat, and Morris doesn’t know where Chloe is.

1:42 am – Mike shows up on the CTU show floor, and Nadia confronts him about Jack. She’s not buying the whole “Jack overpowered me” thing, and Mike says he thought the plot needed a little spicing up, so he did what he thought was best.

1:43 am – Morris spots Jack! Nadia, acting like only a Star Trek captain could, decides to go get Jack herself, telling Morris to have others follow her.

1:44 am – Jack locks himself in a room with Audrey, and tries to talk to her. Jack starts telling Audrey her life story but she doesn’t seem to register anything. Thankfully, Audrey doesn’t say a word. Jack tells Audrey he loves her, and she grabs his hand, just as Nadia and gang use a CTU arc-welder to get through the door. There’s a brief drawing of guns, and Audrey blurts out “Bloomingdales!”, which everyone interprets as “Bloomfield”. Nadia tells Dr. Bradley to go to her office and some other CTU agents take Audrey away. Nadia promises Jack that she’ll make sure Dr. Bradley doesn’t touch Audrey.

Commercial

1:52 am – At the White House, Lennox tells Noah that there are large numbers of Russian troops entering the Asian theatre, and they’re going to be mad there’s no popcorn and no show being played. Lennox says they’re going to be so mad, they’ll be able to get to an American base within the hour.

1:53 am – Evil Lisa arrives back in Noah’s office acting like she didn’t just do something evil with someone else. Noah tells Evil Lisa that the Russian’s know what’s going on. Evil Lisa tries to act like Innocent Lisa when Noah asks about Evil Mark, but Noah won’t have it. He reminds Evil Lisa that cavorting with the enemy is Treason, and tells her to go back to Evil Mark. She tries to protest, but Noah threatens her with another non-spot no-action filled season of “24”, and won’t hear of it.

1:58 am – Ex-Secretary of Defense Heller goes to talk with Audrey, promising to take her away. Audrey looks scared that he might drive off a cliff on the way home, like last year. Heller goes to ask Nadia if he can talk to Jack.

1:59 am – Heller goes to Jack. Jack promises to take care of Audrey. Heller threatens Jack and tells Jack to stay away from Audrey. Heller says, “You’re cursed, Jack! Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead!” I had no idea Heller was part Gypsy, but I stand corrected.

2:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: JACK WANTS TO CLEAN UP! JACK WITH A GUN! ASSAULT BY THE CHINESE! EXPLOSIONS IN A SEWER!

I post as Steve (The 24 Guy) over on Dave Barry’s live blogging of “24” each week, and write a summary of the show each week, in the same spirit as the rest of the blog.

You can read the rest of my Season Six of “24” summaries on that page, if you need to catch up.

Here’s this week’s episode:

Previously on “24”, we found out: Audrey regrets going for Chinese take out; Wayne regrets forgetting about VP Noah’s Jedi mind tricks; Karen regrets not picking up Noah’s resignation earlier than the press conference; Evil Lisa regrets getting involved with VP Noah; Bill regrets not paying attention to Chloe during meetings; Chloe regrets not being sneakier when uploading things to Jack’s phone; Mike regrets not letting Jack drive; Jack does not regret going to take out some Chinese.

The following summary occurred between 12 am and 1 am:

12:02 am – Mike forgot to go to “How to Commandeer a Car” class, and jumps right out in front of traffic to grab a car after Jack left him behind, nearly getting killed. He finally flags someone down, and throws the driver to the ground in the middle of traffic, which was especially thoughtful. Mike calls to tell Bill that Jack “got the drop on him”, he avoided getting “slipped a Mickey”, and intends to find “that dirty rat”. Bill holds a very short impromptu meeting, in which he summarizes what’s left of the plot so far, just in case anyone at CTU wasn’t paying attention. Chloe, who has been playing Desktop Tower Defense on the hardest setting (and winning), gets interrupted by Bill who wants her back on the job to find Jack.

12:02 am – Jack drives to his favorite burger joint, only to find that land developers have put up power lines there. He uses the opportunity to disable the tracker. Chloe and Morris argue, and Milo takes the opportunity to spread some gossip about Audrey. Bill, Morris, Mike, Chloe and Milo are all afraid that Audrey might come out of this alive.

12:05 am – Meanwhile, at the White House briefing room, a spokeswoman gives fair warning to everyone that VP Noah might take over the country and to hide the children.

12:06 am – After dismissing everyone from the Oval Office, Noah asks everyone to leave except Lennox. Noah asks what Lennox’s intentions are, and Lennox says he’s flattered, but not interested. Noah explains that he’s worried that Lennox won’t like how he looks sitting in the President’s chair. Lennox repeats that he’s flattered but not interested, and then realizes what Noah really means. Lennox says that he just made the tape to protect himself, and now realizes that a bulletproof vest for bullets and a lead hat to prevent Jedi mind tricks would be better. He also says that he doesn’t intend to use the recording he made earlier. Lennox tells Noah, “You have my support”. Noah says, “Support can be beautiful”, and Lennox says for the third time he’s not interested, and also that slogan is for a competitor of one of their sponsors. Noah switches subjects and wants to know if Karen Hayes is going to slow them down, and Lennox says only as a speed bump. They decide to keep Karen on staff for now.

12:08 am – Jack calls Cheng, who still has a really tacky ringtone. Cheng tells Jack that Audrey’s life means nothing to him with Audrey sitting right there, and she must feel so appreciated. Jack tells Cheng that since he’s being chased by CTU, they need to alter the plans. Jack tells Cheng to meet him at an abandoned hotel. Cheng says he’s very flattered, but not interested. Jack says that he just wants to meet there for the exchange of the chip for Audrey. Cheng agrees, forgetting that Jack has been out of the country for the last couple of years and that the abandoned motel might just be a new shopping center by now.

Commercial

12:14 am – Karen tries to explain they have their TOP people at CTU trying to find Jack, but Noah won’t hear about it. Lennox suggests they send other agencies, like the FBI, the CIA and the Men in Black, after Jack. Noah agrees, and Lennox and Karen leave.

12:15 am – Aaaaah! Noah and Evil Lisa are kissing each other right next to the Lewinsky memorial couch, temporarily blinding millions of viewers.

12:16 am – Mike continues to drive around aimlessly looking for Jack, while on the phone with Nadia and Bill. Fortunately all the streets are completely empty because everyone in Los Angeles has gone to sleep. Mike drives up to the exact spot where Jack parked under what have to be the only set of power lines in L.A., and uses his boy scout training to confirm that he did in fact find tire tracks. Somehow, he’s even able to determine the direction Jack headed, presumably because all CTU truck tires are installed with the treads in a certain direction. Apparently, the power lines don’t block cell phone signals, just circuit board trackers. Mike asks what roads are up ahead. Nadia tells him, and within ten seconds justifies the direction that he thinks Jack might be heading, and that Jack might have grabbed one of the terrorist cell phones that can be used to trace where he’s going. (Reminder: “might” in 24-speak means “for sure”).

12:17 am – Milo can’t even believe Mike’s amazing power of deduction. Morris tries to pick a fight with Chloe when Morris gets upset that Chloe sent over some actual work that replaced the minesweeper game he was playing. Chloe asks Milo if he can defrag Huffman keys, and Milo says, “Can a packet sniffer decode Ethernet headers? Sure!”, so Chloe sends the file to Milo instead. Morris and Chloe argue a bit more about who’s encryption schemes are better until Chloe goes too far and tells Morris not to arm any more nuclear weapons for terrorists, which hurts Morris’ feelings and he stomps off. Chloe makes a sad face.

12:19 am – Karen gets a phone call while talking to Lennox, and gets a visit from a new guy named Peter. Peter has a YouTube video that Karen just HAS to see. Karen rightfully points out that Reid is a weasel, which he goes on to confirm later on in the video: Bill had Fayed in custody, and let him go! (Reid makes a surprised face!) Karen knew about it! (Another surprised face!) Karen is in a cover-up! Karen admits that while the “facts” were true, Fayed entered the country illegally, so of course they let him continue to wander around without supervision. They had NO idea that Fayed would go nuclear. They were surprised as anyone. She continues with a little speech until Peter interrupts and asks about Karen’s attempted resignation. Peter wants to make sure that Bill or Karen gets in trouble for letting Fayed go.

Commercial

12:28 am – Jack drives up to the old motel, which looks like summer camp in a slasher movie, except with less screaming and dead bodies (so far), and goes inside one of the (ahem) bungalows.

12:29 am – Nadia calls Mike to let him know they found Jack’s call to Cheng, and it shows (surprise!) Mike was right about where Jack was headed. Mike asks if there’s anything between him and Santa Maria, and Nadia says she didn’t even know he was Catholic. Mike says he meant the town, and Nadia tells him that some towns are up ahead.

12:30 am – Bill gets a phone call from Karen, and she asks if he has a minute. Bill says that he doesn’t, and Karen says she’ll call back, not letting on about the BIG trouble they’re both in. Bill hangs up and looks worried that he’s going to be asked to pick out drapes soon.

12:31 am – Nadia tells Bill where they think they might be able to stop Jack. Bill rolls his eyes because he’s sure it won’t work, but doesn’t let on.

12:32 am – Karen goes to Lennox’s office and asks if he remembers threatening to completely destroy her career and Bill’s career. Lennox says, “Sure!”, but apologizes. Karen explains about Reid, Peter’s deep need to indict someone as soon as possible, and the fact that someone in the Justice department is up at midnight. Lennox points out that the choice is easy, since Bill can take the fall, forgetting that Karen is married to the guy. Karen doesn’t want to hear about it. Lennox doesn’t seem very sympathetic, but has tons of advice about how to be a sleazy weasel and throw Bill to the sharks.

12:33 am – At the motel, Jack has been able to use some bed springs, a bed vibrating mechanism, and some old soap to create a plastic explosive and detonator which he installs in the room. Jack calls Bill and for the first time in the history of “24”, does NOT get Bill on the phone. I can only guess that Bill has taken this opportunity to go to the bathroom, and forgot his phone. Jack explains that he set up an explosive in the motel room, that he intends to blow himself up along with the nuclear weapon component, and that he thought it would be cool if Bill got the message after he blew himself up.

Commercial

12:38 am – Morris goes to talk to Bill, and asks for a transfer to anywhere else but near Chloe. Bill points out that Morris’ timing is really awful, but agrees.

12:39 am – Bill calls Karen, who lets him know that because of no fault of his own when he and Homeland Security let Fayed go, she has to fire him as the head of CTU. Bill points out that she did that last season, but she says that it’s different this time, and she really means it. Bill points out that his job is kind of important, and that he’s going to look pretty guilty even though he’s not. Karen says that it’s pretty important that she keep her job too, since it’s only been her second season on the show and she’s close to the president. Bill doesn’t see Karen’s side of things and hangs up on her.

12:41 am – Mike calls Nadia, and wants to know more about Jack, but she has nothing because Jack used double secret probation codes to encrypt the phone call.

12:42 am – Jack calls someone, just as Mike drives up to the motel where Jack is hiding with his bomb. Mike was able to find Jack with almost no help from Nadia, which I’m sure will be in Mike’s report at the end of the season, if he lives that long.

12:43 am – Bill calls Nadia in, and says he’s going to resign. Nadia thinks this is all pretty weird and Bill confesses that he didn’t so much “resign” as “got fired”.

12:44 am – Some CTU rent-an-agents come to escort Bill out of the building, and Bill tells Nadia that she’s in charge until they send a replacement. Bill starts to point out that the last replacement ended up marrying him, so Nadia might just be meeting her new husband soon, but he has to leave and doesn’t get the chance.

12:45 am – As Bill leaves, Morris runs to him to let him know that Mike found Jack’s truck, and Bill says “That’s good news” and leaves with the guards. Morris turns to Nadia to tell her that he had no idea that security was that strict around CTU, especially with everything else that has already happened today. Nadia tells him that she’s now in charge of CTU, and Morris looks like he’s going to bust out laughing.

12:46 am – Nadia immediately holds an impromptu meeting. Bill would have been proud because she immediately tells everyone to do exactly what they’re doing already.

Commercial

12:51 am – Mike breaks into Jack’s car, pulls out a gun and calls CTU to let them know that he’s arrived at what looks like the Bates Motel, so he’s going to check all the showers looking for Jack. They start using all the satellites they have to find Jack, but Mike stops them. Mike says that perhaps, just perhaps, the long stretch limousine that just pulled up might be something important, so he’s going to surveil it with some surveillance, and asks for a massive amount of backup.

12:53 am – Cheng gets out of the car, and goes to the exact bungalow that Jack is hiding in. Jack says he won’t do a thing unless he sees that Audrey is safe. Cheng calls someone in the limo. Audrey gets out and starts to head for the room. She’s got a gag in her mouth. Cheng explains they were so freaked out about Audrey’s crying all the time that they finally had to do something about it. Jack scribbles this down on his hand for later, in case he makes it out of this alive. Jack takes the gag out of Audrey’s mouth, and she seems to be pretty freaked out and unsure of Jack. There’s a pretty good chance that Cheng kidnapped a woman from a Chinese laundry and disguised her as Audrey, because Audrey would never wear the kind of clothes she’s got on right now voluntarily. Jack tells Cheng that Audrey needs to leave the building WITHOUT the gag, out of the range of the sniper Cheng has set up, so he knows she’s safe. Jack tells Audrey to leave to go to a gas station to pick up some Skittles. She leaves.

12:56 am – Just as Jack tosses the component to Cheng, Mike shoots the sniper. There’s lots of shooting and Jack is shot! Someone launches a missile at a helicopter! Cheng is getting away! This never would have happened with Bill in charge!

12:57 am – Some of the Chinese guys who missed the “let’s go now” signal from Cheng get shot by Jack. Fortunately, Jack was wearing a bullet proof cummerbund. A bunch of agents enter the building, and Jack demands to talk to the person in charge. Mike walks in and Jack explains that he had a spectacular special effect all ready to go off, and Mike ruined the whole thing. Mike also helpfully points out that he let Cheng get away too. Mike calls Nadia, who orders that Jack be placed under arrest.

12:59 am – They bring Audrey inside, and that Chinese laundry lady theory is looking a lot more plausible because Audrey doesn’t recognize Jack! She’s acting weird! Even weirder than usual!

1:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME: AUDREY BABBLES! NOAH’S WORRIED! A SPY! KISSING! (NOT AUDREY AND JACK!) FOUR MORE EPISODES TO GO! (TWO HOUR FINALE!)

Previously on “24” – We found out that: Fake nuclear weapons are very effective against fake unnamed countries; CTU has some great stunt drivers who double as fake terrorists; Jack really impressed Mike with his chain letter to Fayed; If you’ve got a plot you don’t know what to do with, it’s ok to end everything in the middle of a show and start a new plot with something REALLY scary instead.

The following summary occurred between 11 pm and 12 am:

11:00 pm – Jack gets a shot from a CTU medical, who tells him that it will help with the pain of hearing that Audrey is still alive. Or maybe the pain in his side. It’s hard to tell which. Mike tells Jack that the military is about to swoop in and take the fun job of securing the nuclear weapons and bringing them back. Jack had really counted on those things for a really excellent prank he was going to pull later.

11:01 pm – Mike thanks Jack for all the great shooting and killing he did, and says that things could have ended a lot worse – namely, there could have been a lot less great shooting and killing today. Mike looks like he wants to ask for Jack’s autograph, but doesn’t get a chance because Jack goes off down an alley to make a phone call.

11:02 pm – The Chinese guy, Cheng, needs a new chime for his phone because the beeps in his phone are so 1980’s. He picks it up, it’s Jack, and he wants to talk to Audrey. Cheng tells Jack that although everyone else in the world gave up on Jack since the show ended last year, Audrey was still trying to find him, except for that little show “The Nine”, which would have kept Audrey out of the picture for good had it actually been successful. Anyway, Cheng thought that since Audrey was out of a job, she might make a good plot twist, and now he’s going to use it.

11:03 pm – Jack says he’ll give himself up, but Cheng says that wouldn’t be any fun because Jack doesn’t talk a lot when he’s in prison. Instead, wants the nuclear weapons! For a second Jack wonders if this whole “China has nuclear weapons” thing has been just an incredibly great prank by the Chinese this whole time. But then Cheng says the reason he wants the nukes is for the trigger mechanism, because he really wants to learn all the Russian defense codes, since the mechanism uses ROT13 for encryption. Cheng threatens to kill Audrey if Jack doesn’t hand over the mechanism, and Jack somehow misses this gracious offer by telling Cheng that the Russians are pretty good at logic and eventually would figure out that the US supplied the mechanism, and start World War III.

11:05 pm – Jack asks to speak with Audrey. She apologizes for running off to a different network, and Jack promises he’ll do anything he can do to save her. Jack must be pretty tired to be talking this way. Cheng grabs back the phone and says that Jack has one hour to call back. After hanging up, Jack immediately begins stalking the van with the nuclear weapons.

11:06 pm – Lennox comes in to see President Wayne. Lennox says that Wayne really should take better care of himself, because Lennox and Dr. Welton are both pretty worried that Wayne needs medical attention, since he keeps making very convincing wincing expressions. Wayne is also worried that VP Noah might try to sneak off with the country, if he as much as goes off to the bathroom, so he says he’s not going anywhere. Lennox assures Wayne that VP Noah won’t be trying anything funny, mainly because of his previous attempt at stand-up that failed. Wayne wants to know the real reason, and Lennox finally tells him he has “The Truth”. Wayne tells him that Dr. Welton might have something to cure that kind of condition. Lennox says he doesn’t mean that, and Wayne says he wants to know what “The Truth” really is. Lennox says that he has a blooper audio recording of VP Noah conspiring with Evil Lisa to commit perjury, and he had been hoping to save it for the Christmas office party. Wayne says he can’t wait to hear the recording.

11:07 pm – Before Lennox can answer, Karen comes running in, saying she has good news. Wayne starts to ask “You saved a lot of money on your car insurance?”, but Karen continues before he can get all the words out. She tells them that CTU (which we know is code for “Jack”) has recovered the nukes. Lennox asks about Fayed, and Karen says that he and his men were killed during the assault (which is also code for “Jack”). Lennox does what anyone in his position as a toady would do: He congratulates his boss for a job well done! Wayne is so thrilled that he just can’t wait to get out of the bunker and tell The American People that they’re no longer under the threat of nuclear attack. I would bet that The American People’s response to this would be “Oh, that’s …. Wait… What???”, if they were actually awake at this hour, since it’s about 2 am on the East Coast right now. Wayne’s so excited about telling everyone about this, I bet he’ll set off all the civil defense sirens just to wake everyone up so he can tell them.

11:08 pm – Bill’s response to this entire situation is what you’d expect: He throws a meeting! Given everything that’s happened, he wants everyone’s briefs right away. One of the people in the back of the room says that he’s pleased about this, because after he heard about the nuclear weapon attacks, he’s going to need new briefs. Bill goes on to bore them some more, when Chloe is saved by a phone call from Jack.

11:09 pm – Jack gives Chloe the bad news: Audrey is alive. Chloe seems very disappointed by this, and tries to deny it, but Jack finally convinces her it’s the truth. Jack also informs her that he needs her help in retrieving one of the circuit boards, and a real one, not something from a Commodore PET, because they’d recognize the fake immediately. Chloe doesn’t seem too thrilled about this, but finally agrees to look at Morris’ terminal to see if she can find a copy of the schematics from a report Morris was working on. Jack says he wants the information sent to his JackPhone.

11:10 pm – Chloe goes to work on Morris’ terminal, and after getting past all the pop-ups, accesses the file. Chloe tells Jack that she’s sending it to his screen. Jack says, “Copy that”, and Chloe tells him that’s what she’s already doing. The file gets uploaded to Jack just as Bill’s meeting breaks up.

Commercial

11:15 pm – The phone rings as Wayne looks at an old picture of President All-State. Wayne’s secretary announces that VP Noah is here. Wayne thanks Noah for that really great idea about the nuclear weapons, but Noah looks pretty disappointed that Wayne used fake nuclear weapons. Wayne tells Noah that their whole relationship has been a marriage of convenience, (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and that they really need to break up. Noah seems pretty stunned by this, since it’s likely he’ll end up with Lennox in a custody battle, and he’s not ready for that. Noah says that he refuses, and starts to walk out until Wayne mentions the little recording that Lennox made. Wayne seems really happy to tell Noah this. Despite his best efforts to laser beam Wayne with his eyes, Noah can’t do it, and leaves.

11:18 pm – Morris is one bright dude. He set up a keylogger on his own system to make sure that no one accessed his World of Warcraft account, and he realized that someone accessed his system. Just as he reaches to call technical support, he realizes HE is technical support and decides to call security instead. Chloe stops him, tells him that she’s the one that broke in, and then tries to walk away. Morris asks why, and Chloe tells him the whole story about Audrey and the circuit board. Morris seems pretty skeptical about the whole situation, but Chloe reminds him that it’s Jack we’re talking about, so everything will be OK. Morris says he’s going to go tattle to Bill, and after a brief staring contest, Chloe says she’ll do it.

11:22 pm – Up in Bill’s office, Bill paces back and forth practicing making phone calls, as Chloe arrives and tells Bill that there is something he needs to know.

11:25 pm – Jack has an irresistible urge to climb on things, so he starts climbing around on pipes on the outside of the building, and continues to stalk the suitcase nukes. Jack finally realizes he can walk over, announce who he is and uses his Jack Powers to scare the guards into letting him get to the suitcase nukes. It works! Jack even invites them to stand guard while he steals the circuit board. Man, that’s going to be hard to explain at their court marshals! Jack gets to work on getting the circuit board. He finds the right one, just in time for Mike to show up and ruin everything. One of the guards hits Jack and he goes down like a Gredenko without an arm.

Commercial

11:29 pm – Jack wakes up and boy, he’s embarrassed. Mike has Bill on the phone. Jack swears up and down that all he wanted to do is save Audrey. Bill looks like he wants to tell Jack that is the reason he can’t let him do it, but he makes up something about not wanting the Chinese to get their hands on the mechanism. Bill says he’s going to do everything in his power to help get Audrey back. Jack has to remind Bill that just because Bill has a spandex suit in his office, it doesn’t mean he has superpowers, so whatever he has planned isn’t going to work. Jack asks if he can call President Wayne. Bill says he’ll see what he can do.

11:31 pm – Back in the Oval Office, Wayne watches the news about what a great guy he is, and gets that phone call from Jack. Jack wants Wayne to authorize a field operation to get Audrey back, and Wayne’s initial reaction is exactly what everyone else’s has been: revulsion. (He disguises it as surprise). Jack says that all he needs is a little FB circuit board to give to the Chinese. Unfortunately, it turns out that Wayne must have had a class on obsolete Russian nuclear weapons when he was in President school, because he knows exactly what the circuit board is for. Jack swears up and down that he’ll make sure that the Chinese won’t get their hands on the component, but Wayne says he won’t do it without knowing Jack’s plan. Jack says this is his plan: 1) Get the circuit board; 2) Conceal some C-4 explosive somewhere; 3) Blow up the C-4 if he needs to. Wayne says he’s not a rocket scientist, but does know that if any C-4 explodes, that Jack is going to die. Jack says that is one of the parts of the plan that he’s still trying to work out. Wayne authorizes Jack for the field operation, and says that he’ll get Bill to help Jack.

Commercial

11:38 pm – Mike releases Jack. Jack says he wants Mike to help him, and Mike asks what the plan is. Jack says that there’s going to be some circuit board destructin’, and some Cheng shootin’.

11:39 pm – Back at CTU, Chloe gets back and Morris wants to know what’s going on. Chloe tells him everything, and then points out that she was right about Morris wanting to tattle-tail. They start having a nerd fight, and I swear one of them called the other a spyware coder, which is clearly a low blow. Chloe says she’s going to hold this over Morris’ head for a long time.

11:40 pm – Milo calls over to Nadia that Mike is on the phone, and Mike gives her the information about the amazing electronic field work they were able to do, to get new tracking electronics embedded in that little tiny circuit board.

11:41 pm – Jack calls Cheng. Cheng gives Jack instructions about where to go next. Cheng tells Jack that he shouldn’t be late because Audrey might die. Jack stops for a moment and starts to say something about this plot being vaguely like the one in that new show “Drive”, but Cheng hangs up.

11:42 pm – Jack and Mike start to leave, and Mike tries to remind Jack that mixing work with pleasure didn’t work for Tim and Nichole on “The Apprentice”, and it won’t work here. Jack doesn’t want to hear about that, and tells Mike that they owe Audrey for the service she did for the country: She was basically not seen on the show for nearly 17 hours. They leave.

11:43 pm – Back at the White House, Evil Lisa goes to see VP Noah. Noah explains to Evil Lisa that he plans to resign, much to her surprise. Noah explains about the recording that Lennox made. Lisa points out that if she hadn’t asked Noah to lie about Karen, none of what was happening now would be happening at all. Noah doesn’t look very comforted by this. They start holding evil hands together! Noah says that at least he and Lisa will be able to spend more time with each other, and you can just tell that this is NOT part of Lisa’s evil plan. Noah signs the resignation letter, and tells her that he wants Wayne to have it before Wayne’s press conference ends.

11:44 pm – Wayne has the press corps especially well-trained, because they all sit when he tells them too. Noah and Evil Lisa are in the back of the room watching, trying to use Jedi mind powers or anything like that to keep Noah from having to resign. Noah’s even holding his resignation letter, so he seems pretty sure nothing is going to work out the way he wants.

11:45 – Wayne gives a speech about how Fayed is off the show now, and that everything is going to be AOK, because NOTHING dramatic is going to happen from now on. Wayne takes a couple of questions. The first guy wants to know if Wayne is SUPER-DUPER sure that everything is OK. Wayne says that he’s super-duper with sugar on it sure. Wayne asks another reporter to ask a question, and mispronounces “Robin” as “Andrea”. She asks about the detention centers, and this completely confuses Wayne so much so that he starts to stutter, and keels over! Noah or Evil Lisa must really have Jedi mind powers now! Noah puts away his resignation letter.

11:52 pm – Dr. Welton comes in and tells everyone that for some mysterious reason, Wayne had a brain hemorrhage, and that he can’t completely rule out that someone used some Jedi mind powers Wayne. Noah goes into “well, he shouldn’t have been brought out of a coma” mode, acts all “I told you so!”, and tries to blame this on Karen. Everyone argues briefly, until Evil Lisa points out that there is no way that Wayne will be able to recover from this anytime soon. Noah picks up on this and gives a very insincere speech about how everyone liked Wayne, and that it’s a real tragedy about his brain hemorrhage and everything, but WOO HOO! He’s president now!

11:53 pm – Evil Lisa finds a memo that tells about Jack trying to use the circuit board to get Audrey back, but is a bit unclear about the whole thing because the way she says it, it sounds like Jack is going to hand over technology to the Chinese. There doesn’t seem to be anything in there about Jack blowing himself up. Karen tries to explain this, and Noah gets all huffy with Karen about her explanation. Noah foolishly believes that Jack won’t be able to pull of the operation and is suddenly very concerned about getting in trouble with the Russians, forgetting the nuclear weapon he wanted to send to Unnamed Country. We can only assume that since the Russians have nuclear weapons too, that must be the problem. Noah tells Karen to get CTU to make Jack stop everything now.

11:55 pm – Out in the hallway, Karen and Lennox just can’t believe what a big bonehead Noah is being. Lennox goes to the hospital, Karen calls Bill.

11:56 pm – Karen tells Bill about Wayne’s condition, and that Noah is being a bonehead about Jack’s operation. Bill looks pretty scared when he realizes that he might actually have to get in the way of Jack shooting a lot of people, which is bound to make Jack pretty angry.

11:57 pm – Bill talks really loudly to everyone at CTU, and tells them they’re about to stop Jack’s operation. Oooo! He tells Chloe that she can’t work on this anymore because she’s proven that she can’t be trusted! (I’m guessing that’s not going to go over well with Chloe in the long run).

11:58 pm – Bill calls Mike and tells him that they’re going to try and take Jack back to CTU, and they’ve set up one (ONE!) tiny roadblock nearby to do this. Curtis would have set up a whole perimeter! Mike explains the change of plans after he gets off the phone, and after the explanation, Jack does EXACTLY what Jack always does, and pulls out his gun and points it at Mike. Jack explains that since he’s already proven that he’ll even shoot his own partner, Mike really should consider stopping the car. Mike does, and Jack drives away without him.

12:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: JACK GOES ROGUE! BILL THINKS THE CIRCUIT BOARD GOES TO A SUBMARINE! BILL AND/OR KAREN ARE IN BIG TROUBLE! NOW THAT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH WAYNE IS ON THE ROCKS, NOAH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT LENNOX’S INTENTIONS ARE! LOTS OF SHOOTING! SOMEONE HAS A RIFLE SIGHT ON AUDREY!!!!!

Previously on “24”, we found out: If you tell someone you’ll lend them a hand, it’s important to make sure they understand that’s just an expression; A tactical nuclear strike is a good way to surprise people; It’s never a good idea to go for a moonlight stroll under the Santa Monica pier, because you’ll never know what you might find.

The following summary occurred between 10 pm and 11 pm:

10:00 pm – It’s just like one of the joint chiefs to walk in front of the television everyone’s watching. Lennox argues that holding the Unnamed Country responsible for Fayed’s action is pretty pointless because nobody is really sure which country Fayed is from, or which country is about to be hit with a nuclear weapon.

10:01 pm – Karen calls Bill, and Bill says that Jack isn’t optimistic about breaking Fayed, since he’s shatter resistant. Karen mentions that Wayne has decided to become a very well-known person in the Middle East, and asks Bill to “pretext” something to stop the missile. “Pretext” is CTU talk for “lie”. Bill refuses.

10:02 pm – Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking tells Wayne that someone with an RSS feed has tagged the missile, and there are many radar installations, jets, and several hot air balloons on the way to intercept the missile. Wayne helpfully points out that the missile has gotten someone’s attention.

10:03 pm – Nobody says anything because everyone thinks it’s someone else’s turn to say the next line.

10:04 pm – Someone finally breaks the silence with a phone call, and Lennox answers it. Surprise! It’s “The Ambassador” from Unnamed Country. He says that they’ve noticed the nuclear warhead headed towards their country, and within the last couple of minutes identified General Habib as someone that’s been helping Fayed all this time! They’ve even been interrogating him! All within the last few minutes. Wow, these guys are FAST. I sure hope they only have one General Habib, because that seems like a pretty common General name, even in Unnamed Country.

10:05 pm – Two minutes left until no more Unnamed Country, and Wayne finally gives the order to abort the nuclear weapon, asks The Ambassador to star in a guest spot for the duration of the season, and hangs up. Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking waits until after Wayne hangs up to abort the launch, telling the guy on the other end to ditch the nuclear weapon in the gulf. Lennox says that he’s sure that somebody in Unnamed Country has watched James Bond movies, and it’s going to occur to someone over there to grab some scuba gear, some underwater transports, and go get the weapon. Surprise! It turns out it doesn’t matter, because Wayne just had someone write “Nuclear” on the side of a regular old missile, and it completely faked everyone out. Turns out that Wayne isn’t a homicidal maniac after all, he just likes to scare his cabinet ever so often. It’s going to be a while before someone tops that one. Wayne orders the new information about Habib sent to CTU.

10:07 pm – In the CTU food storage and interrogation room, Jack slips on a banana while hitting Fayed and almost makes the CTU blooper reel. Fayed doesn’t seem to notice this, because he looks like he is meditating, or just really tired. Fayed asks if Jack is enjoying himself, which is a pretty dumb question. Fayed doesn’t talk. Bill calls to tell Jack that Mohmar Habib (equivalent English name: Joe Jones) has been working with Fayed, and Bill tells him to try something more drastic, like threatening Fayed with a ham sandwich. Meanwhile, Doyle tries to tell Fayed that no one will remember his name because it’s hard to spell, and his first name, “Abu” makes people think of The Simpsons. Fayed points out that it’s not spelled the same in The Simpsons, but Doyle ignores that and tells him that Fayed’s second in command will get all the glory. Fayed asks Doyle if he really thinks he’ll get anywhere playing on his vanity. Doyle says that he doesn’t play on furniture. Fayed says he serves the will of God, and Doyle says he’s pretty sure God has never made out a will, and nearly shoots Fayed. Jack interrupts and tells Doyle not to shoot. Jack says that Burke back at CTU hasn’t given any drugs to anyone all season, and it’s his turn to try with Fayed. Fayed doesn’t look the least bit concerned about any of this, or the fact that the blood coming out of his nose is coming out at a 45 degree angle.

Commercial

10:15 pm – Lennox brings Habib’s file to President Wayne, and it appears that Habib is really South American, not Mid Eastern. Lennox mentions that Sandra won’t be making any speeches soon, because she’s on her way back to see Wahlid. Wayne confesses that the Joint Chiefs and he were able to concoct the entire “fake bomb” scenario a while ago during a commercial break, so no one figured it out. Lennox apologizes to Wayne. Wayne says without everything that happened, it wouldn’t have been nearly as dramatic over the last couple of hours. Wayne also says he’s not his brother David, and Lennox agrees that Wayne is much more alive than David. Wayne asks about Noah’s quick withdrawal, but Lennox doesn’t tell him what happened.

10:16 pm – Wayne reaches for a pen, but a force field around it keeps him from doing so! Wayne’s hand shakes!

10:17 pm – In the CTU transport van, Jack and Doyle argue about the effectiveness of pharmaceutical interrogation. Fayed says he’s not scared of any of this talk because back in terrorist school he was subjected to “The Simple Life” for 98 hours straight, so he can withstand anything. While everyone argues, the person driving the car pays absolutely NO attention to the road and slams into an armored car going the opposite direction. The CTU van lands on its side.

10:18 pm – Turns out that this is not your ordinary armored car. It’s from Terrorist Home Insecurity, and it’s packing a lot of terrorists. They all have posture problems and are carrying very heavy guns, because none of them is standing up straight, and they’re holding their guns with both hands. Jack orders Doyle out the back of the van with Fayed. Jack kicks out the windshield, and suddenly all the terrorists see Jack! Fortunately for Jack they’re all REALLY bad shots, at least for the most part because Jack shoots a lot of them even though they have machine guns. One of the stray bullets hits Doyle!

10:19 pm – Someone clearly didn’t get the memo, because one of them shoots Jack! That guy is definitely not going to be invited back as a guest terrorist next year. The rest of the terrorists run to get Fayed, and bring him back to their armored car. Fayed remarks on the happy coincidence that his men just happened to be driving by, but no one hears him. The terrorists leave.

10:20 pm – Jack, having proven earlier that he’s one of the undead, suddenly sits up! So does Doyle! Turns out that Wayne isn’t the only one pulling amazing pranks tonight. The whole thing is a set up. At this rate Gredenko will be back any minute waving his hands at Jack with one hand.

10:21 pm – Jack and Doyle jump into a car, and head after Fayed. Fayed is in a special Allen Funt equipped CTU van. CTU has replaced all of Fayed’s usual terrorists with special fake CTU terrorists…. Let’s see if he notices!

10:22 pm – One of the fake terrorists introduces himself as definitely NOT a CTU agent, but really someone that was sent by General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 asks where Fayed wants to go. Fayed suppresses saying “Disney World!”, and instead asks for a gun. One of the fake terrorists gives him one. Fayed says that he wants to speak to General Habib, and Fake Terrorist #1 tells him that it’s been impossible to get a hold of Habib because he’s speed dialing American Idol. Fayed says he won’t tell them where to go, until he’s talked to General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 says, “As you wish”. It’s a good thing that Fayed never saw The Princess Bride, because if he did, Fake Terrorist #1 probably would have been shot. Jack tells Bill to somehow get General Habib to cooperate, and Bill says that he’ll call the White House, forgetting that everyone is now underneath the White House.

Commercial

10:27 pm – Bill informs Wayne of Jack’s plan to trick Fayed, and Wayne seems pretty impressed, even though Jack didn’t resort to nuclear weapons for his prank. Bill says that even though this was a pretty good prank, Fayed hasn’t fallen for it completely yet, and has asked to talk to General Habib. Bill’s talking pretty loudly, which he usually does when he sticks that piece of metal into his ear. Someone really needs to tell him about that. Lennox says that Karen is in another room meeting The Ambassador. Wayne says he’ll try and put pressure on The Ambassador, and Bill suggests maybe just asking him will work. Wayne gets up to talk to The Ambassador and suddenly slumps over, much to Lennox’s surprise. Wayne blames this on extreme localized gravity, tells Lennox to have someone check on that, and goes to meet with The Ambassador.

10:29 pm – The Ambassador tries to make friends with Wayne again, but Wayne won’t have it. Wayne informs The Ambassador of the plan. The Ambassador doesn’t think Habib is going to cooperate. Karen suggests being a little more forceful. The Ambassador says that he resents her tone, and suggests she get a little more sun to correct that. The Ambassador says they’ve done everything to get Habib to talk: they talked to him, they arrested his family, and even cancelled his subscription to Terrorist Today, but nothing is working. Wayne asks if they’ve threatened to kill Habib’s family, which even takes The Ambassador by surprise. He starts to say, “Well, duh! That’s the first thing we always try”, but catches himself and says, “Excuse me?” Karen says that he’s excused, and it’s down the hall and to the left. The Ambassador says this is all very barbaric. This makes Wayne really mad, and says that he doesn’t want to hear about it, because he knows how The Ambassador treats barbers in Unnamed Country. Wayne hands The Ambassador a phone, and tells him to make sure Habib doesn’t give away what CTU is up to.

10:31 pm – Bill tells Nadia that Habib will make a phone call to Fake Terrorist #1 and that Habib doesn’t speak English. Nadia says she’ll set up a separate channel to translate. Nadia tries to ask Milo to do it, but Milo has his sockets up in a bunch for some reason and won’t do it. Turns out that Milo didn’t like Nadia acting concerned when she found out that Doyle was bleeding earlier.

10:32 pm – Meanwhile, Morris either a really bad eavesdropper, has sprung a leak, or both, and asks what’s going on. Milo says he’ll set up a channel.

10:33 pm – Fayed orders the armored car to pull into a garage, which is completely wide open and has plenty of room, since there are no cars anywhere to be seen. I assume that’s because no one drives cars in L.A. after 10 pm. Jack and Doyle pull up outside. Fayed asks Fake Terrorist #1 why he’s never heard of him before, and Fake Terrorist #1 says Fayed should know by now how this works: Minor characters are introduced in the show, are shot, and are quickly forgotten. In the middle of explaining this, Fake Terrorist #1’s phone rings. Surprise! It’s General Habib. Even Fayed looks surprised. Nadia translates the conversation which she says goes like this:

Habib: “Hey, it’s me”

Fayed: “How’s it going? Did you send these guys?”

Habib: “Yeah, I did. Why didn’t you blow up anything else?”

Fayed: “I’ve been busy. I’ve been trying to stay awake, but I haven’t seen a Starbucks in hours”.

Habib: “I find that hard to believe. You failed, I should have sent Samir. Can you still use the bombs?”

Fayed: “Yes”

Habib: “Call me back when you get there. I’ll send you a new target. Do you understand?”

Fayed: “Yeah, yeah.”

Fayed tells the driver that the safe house isn’t far, and to head for the 110 freeway.

10:36 pm – The armored car leaves. Jack and Doyle follow.

10:37 pm – Karen asks if Wayne is feeling OK, but he clearly isn’t because his voice could be entered into a “talking like this” contest. The Ambassador says that he’s happy that everything worked out so well, and he’ll have to remember that “threaten the family” trick for later. Wayne tells Karen to show The Ambassador out, even though it’s Lennox’ turn to do that. The Ambassador says that he thought he had a promise to stay until the end of this season, but Wayne insists that he should leave.

10:38 pm – Wayne starts grunting a lot, and tells Lennox to lock the door. Lennox looks really alarmed because the last time he saw this happen, the Incredible Hulk showed up out of no where, and he doesn’t want to see that happen. Wayne collapses.

Commercial

10:41 pm – CTU has everyone in place and ready to go, with snipers on both sides of everything because of what happened a couple of hours ago. Nadia comes up to point out that after some analysis, she found out that the Samir person Habib was referring to was killed two years ago. Milo suggests that maybe Habib is referring to another Samir. He also suggests that if Samir is dead, Habib might be gathering an army of The Forsaken, but no one hears this. Nadia points out that it might be a code that General was using, and if you look carefully you can see Morris throw his arms up into the arm and mouth the words, “Well, duh!” Bill tells Nadia that was good work she did to figure all that out.

10:43 pm – Bill tells Jack about the Samir code that Habib used, and Jack calls Fake Terrorist #1. Jack tells FT #1 about the code, and just as he’s doing so, a dramatic plot device in the form of static happens! Chloe tells Jack that it’s probably the tunnel ahead. Jack says, “How long is it?” Chloe tells Jack they have 17 minutes left, and Jack says that’s not what he meant. Chloe tells him 120 yards, but it hasn’t come out of the tunnel yet. Jack tells the CTU teams that he had Doyle are going to engage, and someone over the communications link says, “We had no idea! Congratulations!”, but Jack ignores this.

10:44 pm – Jack and Doyle drive into the tunnel, which is mysteriously completely empty, just like most of the streets in L.A. have been. The armored car is stopped in the middle. Jack and Doyle check, and everyone with a non-speaking part is dead, and Fayed is gone. Jack looks around and suspects that the door in the wall with all the bullet holes near the doorknob is probably where Fayed went. Since this is a common thing in L.A., he approaches with a little bit of skepticism. Jack kicks in the door and points the gun straight up, just in case Fayed suddenly got Sister Bertrille powers.

10:45 pm – Jack moves into the main area where all the machinery required to operate the tunnel is located, looking for Fayed. Jack sneaks around and finds that Fayed just mugged someone! He’s fitting right into the L.A. criminal lifestyle already! Fayed jumps into a big (but inconspicuous) white garbage truck, not noticing that Jack is doing a great Indiana Jones impression by hanging on underneath the truck. L.A. is one glitzy place because they even have lights underneath the truck. Jack makes a very loud phone call to Bill to let him know where the truck is headed, but drops the phone. Bill asks Chloe to figure out what she can. Doyle finds a dead body at the loading dock, so they’re pretty sure Jack was nearby.

Commercial

10:51 pm – Wayne’s doctor hurriedly straps a pocket calculator to Wayne’s wrist and begins calculating how much overtime he’s going to get for this extended under White House call. The doctor wants to take Wayne to the medical unit, but Wayne refuses. Wayne asks for another shot of adrenaline. When the doctor refuses, Wayne looks like he’s going to cry, but then decides to go for a walk saying he feels happy. The doctor tries to resign, but Wayne says that they’re all in this season together and they have to stay until the end just like everyone else. The doctor leaves. Wayne asks Lennox to call CTU to find out what’s happening.

10:54 pm – Meanwhile, under the truck, Jack prays for no speed bumps as Fayed drives into his secret hideout. Fayed tells Halil that Gredenko betrayed him and now he just wants to blow something up, so they’re going to downtown Los Angeles for take-out. Halil doesn’t seem to understand this until Fayed corrects himself and says, “I mean, we’re going to take out downtown Los Angeles”. The men and Fayed all leave, except for one guy, who will probably be killed by Jack shortly.

10:55 pm – The guy takes three steps, Jack karate chops him in the shins, slams him to the floor and kills him. Jack enters the building, following Fayed to the bombs. Jack starts shooting, killing nearly everyone but Fayed. Fayed and Jack shoot at each other, both running out of bullets at the same time. They look at each other with looks like “What are the odds of THAT happening?”, and Jack runs up to give Fayed a giant bear hug., except it’s more of an I’m going to kill you hug. They fight until they can barely move. Jack crawls over and uses a hanging chain as a defensive weapon, and is thankful he took that elective in CTU training school. He bites Fayed in the arm, since he hasn’t bitten anyone in a few hours now, and wraps the chain around Fayed’s neck. Jack tells Fayed “Say hello to your brother”, and presses a control button near the chain. Fayed suddenly wishes that he was about 5 inches taller, because he’s lifted right off the ground and dies by strangulation.

10:58 pm – Doyle finds Jack. Doyle seems pretty impressed with how Jack ended up killing Fayed, and calls CTU to let them know that everything is OK. Doyle gets a phone call. Doyle hands to phone to Jack.

10:59 pm – It’s AUDREY! The Chinese have brought her back to life! Chang wants Jack to call 310-597-3781 in ten minutes! An entire plot line is dropped for an even bigger terrorist threat: The return of Audrey!

11:00 pm – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME: CHANG WANTS A COMPONENT OR THEY’LL KILL AUDREY! NOAH WON’T RESIGN. WAYNE OWES JACK! DOYLE AND JACK PULL GUNS ON EACH OTHER!

Previously on “24”, we found out: If you ever have the misfortune to be arrested at CTU, you can just sit back and wait a while, and someone will end up proving your innocence; It’s important that if you’re going to set up tactical guys to shoot someone, you should put a couple on the other side of the street too; If you tell VP Noah something as simple as “I don’t want a cup of coffee”, it’s pretty likely he’s going to twist it into an excuse to bomb some unnamed country.

The following summary takes place between 9 pm and 10 pm:

9:00 pm – Lennox dials in the cable channel Secretary General TV, while the cabinet waits for the president to show up.

9:01 pm – Wayne really wants to stand up to Noah, just in case there’s a jump ball in the middle of the conference room, and he needs that edge. He asks the doctor for an injection so he won’t need a wheelchair.

9:02 pm – Jack calls Bill to tell him about Gredenko’s immunity deal offer to give up Fayed, but is concerned that Gredenko rolled over too easily. Bill says that’s because of the time Gredenko spent in the Russian circus disguised as a bear. Bill says that Wayne has regained consciousness, but VP Noah is challenging him under the 25th Amendment. Wayne has countered with a Black Lotus card, which VP Noah is still trying to figure out how to counter. Bill points out that if Fayed detonates another bomb, no one will be able to stand in VP Noah’s way. Jack points out that if Fayed DOES detonate another bomb, there probably won’t be anyone left standing anyway, and points out that if VP Noah takes over, the immunity deal will be off. Bill says that all this deal talk is beginning to sound like a Howie Mandel game show. Jack asks Bill to have the attorney general draw up the immunity deal papers, and Bill tells him the attorney general probably has a printer for that sort of thing.

9:04 pm – In the secret underground cabinet room, President Wayne finally arrives. VP Noah immediately goes to him, and lies like a dog: He says he’s happy to see Wayne. Lennox stands up and gives a little speech about the 25th Amendment in case we all didn’t get the drift the first couple of times they talked about it, and that he’ll be playing the role of Jeff Probst during tonight’s round of Presidential Survivor. Wayne’s doctor gets up and tells everyone that Wayne is doing pretty well, and everyone who didn’t say a darn thing when Noah was giving order to blow things up suddenly starts asking really hard hitting questions like: “Is Wayne OK?”, “Will he be able to shave his head without assistance?”, and “What show are we on right now?”. The doctor leaves, and Lennox asks Wayne to address the cabinet. Wayne says that instead of getting up and writing on a large piece of furniture, it would be a much better idea to talk to everyone. Wayne gives a speech and points out that Noah is a cry baby who just won’t give up if someone tells him “No”, and that’s the whole reason for all this “25th Amendment” talk.

Noah tells everyone that in order to make sure the constitution really works, from time to time they have to try out each and every one of the Amendments. Noah also says that the proof Wayne should be removed as President is that he DIDN’T want to bomb the snot out of another country. He also plays some really dramatic music after he gets done talking, which is blatantly unfair, but no one calls him on it because they’re all pretty scared of him. Lennox says that there will be a vote taking place in the next ten minutes, and that the person with the most votes will be asked to leave the presidential bunker immediately, unless they have an immunity idol.

Commercial

9:13 pm – At CTU, Milo asks Nadia about the vote. Nadia tells him that they’re still in commercial on Presidential Survivor, and that it’ll be a few more minutes. She asks that Milo forget about that whole silly “Nadia is a terrorist” thing. Milo says he won’t forget about the kiss though, and Nadia tells him that with breath like his she won’t be forgetting it soon either. As Milo leaves, Doyle calls Nadia and asks her to go upstairs.

9:14 pm – Nadia arrives upstairs, and Doyle makes a fumbling apology for smacking Nadia around earlier, because of the mole in the building. Nadia says that he should have called an exterminator, but Doyle ignores this and insists he’s not a racist. Nadia points out that he’s more of a sadist, and Doyle objects, saying he’s not any sort of “ist” at all. What he wants Nadia to do is to go check on Milo’s computer, to see if he’s the one that accidentally set up the wrong access protocols that let the terrorists break into the CTU computers and upload most of the files at CTU to Google. Nadia refuses, and Doyle tries to convince her that if she doesn’t help him, he’s going to bring in a forensics team, shoot Milo’s computer, tear it all up, and then haul Milo away in handcuffs – and not necessarily in that order.

9:18 pm – Karen sits down with Wayne and Sandra and asks what Wayne will do with Noah if Wayne ends up winning the vote. They want him out of the way and suggest getting him out of the bunker, perhaps even in an ark. Counting animals should keep him busy for a long time. Wayne says he can’t afford to alienate any of Noah’s supporters, because aliens are the last things they need to be dealing with right now. Wayne says that he’d rather keep an eye on Noah, so the ark is out too.

The cabinet comes back together, and Lennox calls for the vote without a secret ballet, since they’re in a hurry. The vote is seven to seven, which means that they have to turn to fire building, and the first person that can build a fire high enough to burn the twine and raise a little American flag gets to be president. The attorney general interrupts and says that since the majority of the cabinet didn’t vote to get rid of Wayne, he wins! Wayne gives the evil eye to seven people on the cabinet, many of whom are already working on the resumes on their laptops. Noah tells them to stop, because he doesn’t recognize Karen as the National Security Advisor! Lennox pulls out a photo album, and points to her picture, but Noah still doesn’t recognize her, so TADA! He’s president! He even says he’s really sorry to Wayne. Wayne says, “Pffft!” to that, and before a duel can break out, the attorney general suggests that they call Diana Ross and The Supremes to figure this thing out. An aide whispers something in his ear, and he corrects himself and says he really meant The Supreme Court. Wayne winces during the attorney general’s speech. As they leave the room, Noah tells Evil Lisa to get his affidavit started, and she says that she though he drove a Range Rover. Noah calls Lennox over and says that he thinks Lennox might not be on his side. Lennox says that’s true, he’s right in front of him, and he’s on the side of the United States of America, which is pretty tough because it’s a pretty big place.

Commercial

9:24 pm – Nadia goes over to tell Milo that her workstation is screwed up because the credentials on them were all wrong, and we all know what kind of hassle that can be. Milo goes off to fix this, and in about 10 seconds, Nadia is able to determine that the breach was Milo’s fault. She tells Doyle about this, and he fixes it so no one will find out about Milo’s screw up! Nadia looks surprised at this, and Doyle quotes from the Koran, which surprises her even more! Doyle says that he’s read the Koran, the Bible, the Upanishads, and even the Dave Barry Blog, but he still hasn’t come up with any answers to life’s greater meaning. Milo witnesses this from across the room, asks Nadia about it, but Nadia just says that she and Doyle were comparing data sets. Milo points out that in some engineering universities, comparing data sets means you’re engaged, but Nadia doesn’t hear him.

9:26 pm – Karen calls Bill, and tells him that the cabinet meeting went like the cabinet meetings usually go, but that this time Wayne won. Kind of. She explains about how Noah brought up the whole resignation thing, and that the last she heard Diana Ross was going to sing about it and decide something. She’s just worried that Noah will be unleashed on the world, but Bill assures her that they’ll be able to keep the muzzle on Noah and everything will turn out alright in the end. Karen tells Bill that there are arguments scheduled in 15 minutes. Bill says, “Wow! They really do schedule everything over there”. Karen tells Bill, “Thank you for being there”. Bill says, “Well, thank you for the Pink Panther.” Karen says that she has to get going, or she won’t get a good seat when Diana starts her show.

9:28 pm – Gredenko verifies with his attorney that the agreements have been signed, and that he’ll reimburse Jack for the amazingly large phone charge he’ll get on his Jack Phone next month. Jack lets Gredenko know that if he doesn’t get reimbursed, or that if he tells Fayed a thing about what’s going on, he’ll get out his Jack Gun and fill him with Jack Bullets.

9:29 pm – Gredenko calls Fayed and says he has the protocols. Fayed says they better be the right protocols, and not the ICMP protocols he tried to pass off last time. Grendenko says he’ll have to ping him about that later, and Fayed admonishes him for such a terrible protocol joke. Gredenko assures him that everything is ok, and they agree to meet at the Santa Monica Pier in about ten minutes. Gredenko wants to know where he’ll be found, and Fayed says he’ll find Gredenko. Jack talks to Bill, who says that Doyle is on his way to the pier, but won’t make it in time. Jack gets one of his tactical guys to put Gredenko in a “vehicle” which is Jack talk for “car”.

9:31 pm – Karen brings in the instructions from The Supremes, and they need the arguments written down and ready to go in ten minutes. Wayne says that Sandra is working on the briefs. Karen says that working on a new line of executive underwear is great, but what they really need is a written copy of arguments about why Wayne should continue to be president. Just writing down that Noah is homicidal maniac isn’t good enough. Sandra says that since Noah didn’t bring up the fact that Karen shouldn’t be there, that proves that Karen really still was acting National Security Advisor. Or acting like the National Security Advisor. Or an actor acting like the National Security Advisor. Something like that.

9:32 pm – Over in the evil half of the Presidential Bunker, Noah reads his briefs until someone hands him a set of papers with the argument on them and then he reads those. His argument is that he didn’t really MEAN to keep Karen; it’s just that he didn’t have a good evil replacement just at that moment. Evil Lisa doesn’t seem to think Noah’s chances are very good, and Noah says, “Then I am … deeply afraid for our country”. (I think it goes without say that with Noah in power, the country would be pretty afraid all by itself). Evil Lisa hatches a plan to swear that Noah told her to tell Karen that Noah had no intention of reinstating Karen. Noah points out that Lisa would be perjuring herself in front of the Supreme Court, and seems uncharacteristically reticent about the whole idea. Evil Lisa says that’s not what “perjure” means, and besides, the ends justify the means. Noah says that he never knew what that expression meant, but he’ll go along with her idea because she’ll get in trouble, and he won’t.

9:33 pm – Special delivery! Terrorist Express arrives, and they’ve got Fayed in the back, carrying metal suitcases, which are the universal television symbols for bombs. Halil (one of Fayed’s men) takes the cases and doesn’t want Fayed to go to meet Gredenko. Halil really wants to use the bombs right away (I think he must be distant cousins with Noah) because they can inflict a lot of damage right where they are. Fayed really wants to go for the gusto, and says that if his plan works, they’ll inflict damage across half of California, but he doesn’t say which half. They close the door on the Terrorist Express truck with Fayed in the back, and they leave.

9:35 pm – In the presidential bunker, Lennox goes to see Noah and asks to speak with him alone. Evil Lisa slinks out of the room. It turns out that Lennox bugged one of his own pieces of china in the room, and he has a tape of Evil Lisa and Noah talking about the perjury! Lennox tells Noah to call the Supremes and cancel the concert.

Commercial

9:41 pm – Wayne talks to Karen about what’s been going on since he’s been asleep. Wayne wants the launch codes, Fayed’s status, and someone to rename the “flesh colored” band-aid on his neck to something more appropriate. Sandra runs in to tell Wayne and Karen that during the commercial, the Supreme Court called and told her that Noah withdrew his suit. Karen says that’s an image that she won’t be able to get out of her head for a long time. Sandra says she meant the lawsuit that was filed. Everyone leaves, and Wayne picks up the phone to tell Melinda that he wants to talk to his doctor.

9:43 pm – Out in Santa Monica, Agent Ryan is fitting Gredenko with the latest in audio and isotope tracking gear. They’ll be able to track Gredenko within 15 miles. Hopefully this time they’ve figured out that they’ll need snipers on BOTH sides of the street during all this. It turns out that Doyle is about 20 minutes away, so Jack is going to have to run this operation himself, which I’m sure Jack can handle. They let Gredenko out of the nondescript CTU van with government license plates and Gredenko walks around looking for Fayed. A phone rings, and Gredenko picks it up. It is a cell phone that has a text message that says, “LOL! Go2 Building J”. They lose sight of Gredenko, so Jack goes to follow. A couple of guys grab Gredenko and bring him inside a building.

9:45 pm – Inside the building, Gredenko shows Fayed the transmitter. Fayed mistakes this for an iPod at first, but realizes it’s a transmitter, and he’s not happy. Gredenko tells him that Fayed needs to listen so they both get out alive, and Fayed says that since it’s not an iPod, he’s not sure out that’s going to work.

9:46 pm – Jack pulls his gun, enters the building but doesn’t see anyone. He looks around a bit more and finds Gredenko’s arm on the ground! Jack withholds his earlier vampiric tendency and doesn’t start chewing on it, but is able to use that same tendency to pick up the blood trail that Gredenko is leaving behind.

Commercial

9:52 pm – Jack continues to follow the trail and is so frustrated that Doyle isn’t there, he tells CTU to make Doyle set up a perimeter as soon as he gets there. Jack finally catches up, and there’s a lot of shooting. Jack says “Show me your head” to one of the bad guys, and he does, so Jack shoots him.

9:53 pm – An Arab and a one armed Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?” (Sorry, and oldie but goodie). Gredenko really looks like he needs a drink. He’d be a great two… er, one-fisted drinker right now. As Fayed moves to the back of the bar, Gredenko loudly announces to everyone that Fayed is the guy they’re looking for. Fayed takes a couple of shots, runs out of bullets and some nice patriotic Americans start showing Fayed what they think of him by high-fiving him in the face with their fists. Gredenko escapes.

9:54 pm – Jack enters and starts shooting some completely innocent ceiling tiles, and says he’s talking Fayed. One of the guys in the bar says that his friend was shot, Jack says they’ll get him a doctor, and Fayed says that he hopes the friend is dead! Jack doesn’t like that kind of talk, so he boots Fayed in the face. Jack tells Bill that he has Fayed, and the tactical guys need to search for Gredenko, who’ll be the person that could audition for the remake of “The Fugitive”.

9:54 pm – Wayne is feeling really bad and asks the doctor to give him something to keep going. The doctor reluctantly agrees and gives him an injection. Wayne gets a call from Bill, who informs him that Jack caught Fayed.

9:55 pm – Down by the beach, Gredenko is under a pier stumbling along. It looks like he’s beginning to think that the whole “chopping off an arm” thing was a bad idea, and falls over, the ocean washing over him. I bet it’s the last time he tries THAT.

9:57 pm – Karen goes to Lennox and declares a truce. Karen asks about the whole “withdrawn suit” thing that Noah just did, and Lennox says he has no idea what happened, but would be happy to tell her all about it later. Lennox gets a phone call, and surprise! Now WAYNE wants to launch a strike!

9:59 pm – It turns out that Wayne is a maniac too, because that whole thing about wanting to be president wasn’t to stop the nuclear strike, it was just to regain his power. All that sympathy for Wayne everyone has been feeling just went up in smoke with the nuclear weapon he just launched at the STILL unnamed country.

10:00 pm – Time’s up! (And most importantly, NO AUDREY!)

NEXT TIME ON “24”: WAYNE TRIES TO KARATE CHOP A TABLE, BUT FAILS! JACK TRIES TO PUNCH FAYED AND SUCCEEDS! WAYNE FALLS OVER! TRUCKS COLLIDE! JACK GETS SHOT AND FALLS OVER, PRETENDING TO BE DEAD (WE HOPE!)