Magic Lamp

Dave Barry has a blog where people post comments on the show “24”, and make comments on all the crazy things they see on the show. I post over there too. I write this entire thing while I’m watching the show, and post about 10 or 20 minutes after the show’s over.

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9:00 pm – Bill wants Chloe to check on Audrey about suspicious activity. Bill tells Audrey she’s being taken into custody, and she asks if she’s under arrest. That Audrey…She’s pretty quick on the uptake.

9:01 pm – Jack tells Terrorist Woman that he’ll make this the worst day of her life, and threatens to let Geraldo interview her.

9:02 pm – Madam Haig wants to use drugs to get the truth out of Audrey. Bill tells her that all she has to do is look at her cross-eyed, and she’ll burst into tears.

9:03 pm – Jack wants to talk to Audrey directly, and reminds Madam Haig that Audrey’s father eats people alive. Apparently he’s a troll of some sort. Doh! If only The Hobbit were around to verify.

9:04 pm – Bill tells Jack that Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST) is going to release the gas sometime during the next hour. Going by the “24” rule, that means it’ll be close to 10pm.

9:08 pm – Fight in a dark area in LA, the cops come in and get jumped by terrorists faking the fight. IEST did this to get a police escort.

9:09 pm – Chloe finds dirt on Audrey. Jack gives her a handiwipe to use, but Chloe says that’s not what she meant. Audrey is having an affair with Robocop! Jack doesn’t like this ONE bit.

9:10 pm – Audrey’s in the room, and hasn’t burst into tears yet….mighty suspicious.

Commercial – Jack Bauer is moonlighting as David Breckenridge in a movie called “The Sentinel”? Wasn’t that an old movie about a guardian at the gate of Hell? Does this mean that Jack’s going to take on Hell itself next? This is so confusing….

9:14 – Sherry from Section 5 reports to Chloe….as an Edgar replacement. Chloe tells her that she’s COMPLETELY the wrong shape and size. Sherry looks over at Edgar’s workstation, and asks how she’ll get rid of all the Ho-Ho wrappers. Sherry sees the creepy Homeland Security guy, and Creepy seems to recognize her.

9:15 – Jack goes to see Audrey, says “Hi”, asks how she is, and how long she’s been a crazy Russian terrorist. Audrey tries to talk her way out of it, and Jack pulls the pictures out of Weasel and Robocop. She tries to lie about Robocop, and Jack catches her at it. T-minus 1 minute to tears.

9:16 – Tears!

9:17 – Jack isn’t buying it, slides the table away and goes to choke her.

9:20 – Madam Haig wants to give Audrey those drugs, and sends in the drug guy.

9:21 – Chloe tells Sherry to upload information, and Sherry looks like she was asked to semaphore the lower level of a TCP/IP stack using Cobol.

9:21 – Creepy Homeland Security guy comes over and tells Sherry that she’s not qualified to replace Edgar because she’s not cleared, doesn’t have the training, and can’t eat nearly enough Twinkies.

9:22 – Turns out that Creepy harassed Sherry in the past. Color me shocked.

9:22 – Jack doesn’t want Audrey taken, and gets tasered AND hand-cuffed (after taking out a guard). Audrey tells them that’s NOT how to apply handcuffs properly, and then shuts up when she realizes she actually said that out loud.

Commercial

9:27 – Robocop gets a phone call from the guys that tried to take out Allstate’s brother Wayne.

9:28 – Secret Service guy wonders where Wayne is, and asks another agent if he’s seen Wayne or Garth. The agent tells him he wasn’t allowed up that late.

9:29 – Jack tries to patiently explain to Madam Haig that Robocop is probably lying, but Madam Haig REALLY wants to give Audrey those truth drugs. Jack wants Chloe to help him find info on Terrorist Woman.

9:30 – Creepy tries to get Sherry in trouble, and Chloe stands up to him by pointing out that she can probably dig up pictures of him from the Internet. He gets a scared look on his face and backs off.

9:31 – Terrorist Ice Cream truck drives up to a guard, and when the guard orders a Creamsicle, they shoot him. IEST strikes various modeling poses while waiting for the canisters to be unloaded from the truck. They enter the natural gas building.

9:34 – They find two guys, and ask who’s in charge. FIRST RULE: If someone scary looking asks to see a control room, don’t ask who they are, because this will get the other person with you shot. He lets them into the control room, where they promptly shoot another guy who tells the first unshot guy not do do what they say. SECOND RULE: Don’t tell people with guns things they don’t want to hear. Unshot guy runs off to reduce pressure in the lines.

Commercial – Visa ….A whole lot of people in conference rooms asking “What would so-and-so” do…..and NOT ONCE do they ask “What would Jack do”? Jack would know. I’m sure of it.

9:39 – Secret service guy in the woods looking for Allstate’s brother, and is snuck up on by….Allstates’ brother…who has a gun. Where did he get that?? It must have been one of those guns you get in storm drains… the ones marked “Break glass in case of getting car shot on the road by mysterious van”.

9:40 – Audrey’s sweating in the interrogation room, and the interrogation involves a LOT of yelling and more table pushing around. She’s making up for a LOT of time not crying, because she’s crying a lot now.

9:41 – Chloe finds out that Terrorist Woman has been talking to Robocop, and voila! The immunity agreement is voided! Jack looks excited he gets to interrogate Terrorist Woman.

9:42 – The guard who’s guarding Terrorist Woman must be a new guy, because he starts trying to pull rank on Jack. Jack knocks him out with one punch, and looks kinda surprised that’s all it took.

9:43 – Terrorist Woman admits she was lying about Audrey, and tells Jack they’re in a natural gas distribution center but doesn’t know which one.

9:44 – Jack runs in to save Audrey…and yells really loud to get rid of Interrogation Guy. Jack and Audrey kiss because there hasn’t been a tender moment in several episodes.

9: 45 – Bill calls Jack about the gaslines. Sherry speaks up and says that she just happens to be a chemistry major, and to check gas pressure in the tanks.

Then just after Bill left, she says “Did you notice that? The way he brushed up against my shoulder? He shouldn’t have done that.” Even Chloe has a “Oh my….Maybe Creepy was right!” They replaced our lovable Edgar with a psycho chemist!

9:46 – Secret Service Guy and Wayne return to Wayne’s car, because that’s the LAST place the van guys would look. Oh, whoops. These guys have stinger missiles too. Does every bad guy on the show have those? Fortunately, they don’t have many brains because Secret Service SUVs are bullet proof and Secret Service guy drives off.

Commercial

9:52 – Helicopter, and Jack’s in it. Chloe says Jack has 4 minutes because this hour of the show is almost over.

9:53 – Terrorists with gas masks are playing with the canisters…. the canisters now have flashing lights and make funny noises when you touch ’em. Just to be sure we know they’re RUSSIAN terrorists, IEST tells them to get back and one says “DA”.

9;54 – Jack is still headed to the natural gas terminal, and he looks ready to jump out. They’re using one of those silent helicopters so that Jack can sneak up on them….. and down a rope they go.

9:54 – PSI in the pipes is down to 54%, and Madam Haig still looks mad they’re done with Audrey.

9:55 – Inside the gas plant, Jack and Curtis shoot a couple of terrorists and then Jack tells everyone to take their silencers off because the guns will be louder that way.

9:56 – Gun fight! Canisters going off! Jack wants to blow up the plant to stop the gas! That’s our boy Jack!

9:57 – IEST looks a little nervous that he didn’t plan a better escape route. Jack sets an explosive device in the plant.

9:58 – Explosions and Jack looks pretty happy he was the one that got to do that.

9:59 – Fight with IEST! Explosions!! Jack pulls IEST into the police car!!! More Explosions!!!! I’m running out of exclamation points!!!!!

10: 00 – Cut to clock at “10:00:00”!

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After the show was over, someone pointed out that Audrey was with Weasel, not Robocop. Doh! That’s what I get for trying to watch and type at the same time.

This show would be so much easier to follow if they used nicknames.

I join the folks over on Dave Barry’s Blog on Monday nights to do a Mystery Science Theater style commentary about the TV show 24. People seem to like it there, so I’m reposting it here:

8:00 pm – A sheet over Tony. Yep…Tony’s dead. Either that or he’s going to be a ghost for Halloween.

8:01 – Audrey says Robocop got away. Chloe hacked Robocop’s computer, and found the name of the lady terrorist. Jack hitches a ride with Curtis.

8:02 – VP Scary has handed a speech to Manilow, and it looks like he’s going to shut down Los Angeles. He says that all he has to do is shut down the Hollywood sign, and everything will come to a stand-still.

8:03 – Manilow calls a curfew, and fortunately, everyone in LA being a law abiding citizen, there will be no problem implementing this plan.

8:04 – Madam Haig enters and tells her plan to take ahold of CTU. Bill greets her, and tells her that they’re still looking for a replacement Edgar.

8:05 – Homeland Security Guy (HSG) wants to take over Edgar’s station, and Chloe doesn’t think he can do it. I mean, this guy doesn’t look like he’s had a Ho-Ho in his life.

8:06 – Secret Service guy gets a call from President All-State’s brother, with a delivery. The secret service guy looks worried that it may be an insurance premium.

8:07 – Oh great. VP Scary just said “I’m in control”. Now he’s asking for Anakin.

8:09 – Bill tells Madam Haig that they’ll be back up to strength as soon as they get their replacement Edgar.

8:11 – Whoa! The guy in bed with Terrorist Woman is Desmond from “LOST”! So that’s where he went!

8:12 – Terrorist Woman is on the phone with Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST). She has the plans, schematics, and access codes for the hatch.

8:13 – IEST plans on gassing 200,000 people in LA by releasing the gas in the line for American Idol auditions.

Commercial

8:17 – Bill finally caught on that yet another person wants his job. Madam Haig tells Bill that she’s taking over. We all know how well it went the last time someone tried to take over Bill’s job. She’s messing with Bill’s computer’s and he looks nervous that she’ll find his “personal” folder.

8:18 – Audrey is catching on that something weird is going on in CTU. The HS guy gives her this weird “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” stare.

8:19 – Jack is in the Terrorist Woman’s apartment, but can’t find her. Curtis heads upstairs to the roof, since the roof of a 20-story building in LA makes for a good escape route.

8:20 – Desmond jumps Curtis! Desmond asks if Curtis knows the code word, and if he’s a replacement from the Dharma Initiative.

8:21 – Desmond says he’s a secret agent for the Germans, and if they don’t believe him, ask John Locke.

8:24 – Desmond tells Jack that Jack can’t touch him. Heh. He don’t know Jack!

Commercial

8:28 – Terrorist Woman arrives at Terrorist Headquarters.

8:29 – Audrey is arguing with someone on the phone, and threatens to cry.

8:30 – The Germans won’t let Desmond talk. Something about the Island, different networks, and giving away the ending. Jack asks Curtis to leave.

8:31 – Jack offers Desmond a “wet list”, in exchange for Terrorist Woman’s info. Desmond says that Jack shouldn’t try and be tricky, because he has a couple names from the passenger list already.

8:32 – Jack wants Chloe to hack the NSA. Chloe says she can’t do it because she doesn’t have a key card. As if that stopped her before! Chloe spills Homeland Security coffee on Homeland Security guy’s Homeland Security pants. He goes to the Homeland Security bathroom to clean up.

8:33 – Chloe grabs a keycard and starts typing. She’s on the phone with Jack while hacking into the NSA’s computer, and uploads it to Jack on the Jack phone. Chloe gets away with it…apparently. Homeland Security guy looks Homeland Security suspicious.

8:34 – Jack shows the list to Desmond, who says it looks like the right passenger list. He gives it back to Jack, and tells him to go to Oceanic Airlines at the airport in car lot C.

8:35 – Terrorist Woman asks to have money transferred from IEST, and she tells him the code is “4 8 15 16 23 42”. They enter the code, and IEST tells them to torch the place as Terrorist Woman leaves.

8:41 – VP Scary is in more trouble with one of the governors than with Manilow. One of VP Scary’s padawans tells him that Allstate’s brother is on the way. The road block lets him through.

8:42 – Desmond tells Jack that Terrorist Woman has spider sense and won’t show herself if she senses danger. Desmond still seems to have a crush on Terrorist Woman, probably because he’s been in that hatch for so long.

8:43 – Back at CTU, Bill asks to talk to Chloe. Madam Haig tries to confront Chloe, and they know they Chloe sent a document to Jack. Bill and Madam Haig completely freak out when they find out that Chloe sent the “wet list” to Jack. Homeland Security Guy is giving Chloe another one of his Invasion Stares.

8:44 – Jack, for some reason has his phone on RING. Desmond insists on hearing everything on speaker phone, mainly because if Jack just uses his ear piece to talk, Jack will look like a homeless guy carrying on a one-sided conversation.

8:44 – Madam Haig wants that “wet list” back, and Jack pulls a gun on Desmond. She tells Jack that she’ll get Curtis to take that card back, and Jack tells HER that she’ll be responsible for every live lost. (love-15, advantage Bauer). She tries to pull the “we need authorization” card on Jack, which doesn’t work (love-30, Bauer). Then when Jack says there’s a car coming with Terrorist Woman, she asks if he can guarantee that’s her. Jack says no, but does Madam Haig want to be responsible? (love-40, Bauer) Jack keeps standing up to her, and she finally gives in. (Game to Bauer!) Madam Haig says there will be “repercussions”. Jack tells her she can have all the cussions she wants, and hangs up.
Jack asks Desmond if they’re “alright”.

8:46 – Desmond gets out of the car, so does Terrorist Woman, and they move in. Desmond gets in a car and drives off.

8:48 – Terrorist Woman won’t talk, and as Desmond drives away, he tries to upload the “wet list” to his contacts. Apparently it’s not Windows compatible, because much like a strawberry Pop-Tart, it burst into flames for no apparent reason. He gets a phone call from Jack, who says he’ll help him install Windows. Desmond tells Jack he’s going to have to call technical support and now he’s REALLY mad at Jack.

Commercial

8:54 – Terrorist Woman still won’t talk. Jack keeps asking questions, and she whines about Desmond. For the second time tonight, Jack tells Curtis to leave. Terrorist Woman tells him that IEST is probably gone. She wants diplomatic immunity because she has a TON of parking tickets.

8:55 – Jack gets on the phone with CTU. Madam Haig says “for the record” for about the 10th time tonight. For the record.

8:57 – A car is following Allstate’s brother, and is speeding up. Van door opens up, and shoots the car which goes off into a ditch. Guys get out of the van headed to the car. Allstate’s brother gets out, and heads for a drainage tunnel to get away.

8:59 – Terrorist Woman’s on the phone with a Terrorist Lawyer. She gives Jack the location of IEST, and that AUDREY SOLD HER THE SCHEMATIC INFO.

Jack’s a little upset about that, because he knows Audrey is going to try and cry her way out of this.