Category: Television

Previously on “24”, we found out: If you tell someone you’ll lend them a hand, it’s important to make sure they understand that’s just an expression; A tactical nuclear strike is a good way to surprise people; It’s never a good idea to go for a moonlight stroll under the Santa Monica pier, because you’ll never know what you might find.

The following summary occurred between 10 pm and 11 pm:

10:00 pm – It’s just like one of the joint chiefs to walk in front of the television everyone’s watching. Lennox argues that holding the Unnamed Country responsible for Fayed’s action is pretty pointless because nobody is really sure which country Fayed is from, or which country is about to be hit with a nuclear weapon.

10:01 pm – Karen calls Bill, and Bill says that Jack isn’t optimistic about breaking Fayed, since he’s shatter resistant. Karen mentions that Wayne has decided to become a very well-known person in the Middle East, and asks Bill to “pretext” something to stop the missile. “Pretext” is CTU talk for “lie”. Bill refuses.

10:02 pm – Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking tells Wayne that someone with an RSS feed has tagged the missile, and there are many radar installations, jets, and several hot air balloons on the way to intercept the missile. Wayne helpfully points out that the missile has gotten someone’s attention.

10:03 pm – Nobody says anything because everyone thinks it’s someone else’s turn to say the next line.

10:04 pm – Someone finally breaks the silence with a phone call, and Lennox answers it. Surprise! It’s “The Ambassador” from Unnamed Country. He says that they’ve noticed the nuclear warhead headed towards their country, and within the last couple of minutes identified General Habib as someone that’s been helping Fayed all this time! They’ve even been interrogating him! All within the last few minutes. Wow, these guys are FAST. I sure hope they only have one General Habib, because that seems like a pretty common General name, even in Unnamed Country.

10:05 pm – Two minutes left until no more Unnamed Country, and Wayne finally gives the order to abort the nuclear weapon, asks The Ambassador to star in a guest spot for the duration of the season, and hangs up. Mr. Joint Chief of Television Screen Blocking waits until after Wayne hangs up to abort the launch, telling the guy on the other end to ditch the nuclear weapon in the gulf. Lennox says that he’s sure that somebody in Unnamed Country has watched James Bond movies, and it’s going to occur to someone over there to grab some scuba gear, some underwater transports, and go get the weapon. Surprise! It turns out it doesn’t matter, because Wayne just had someone write “Nuclear” on the side of a regular old missile, and it completely faked everyone out. Turns out that Wayne isn’t a homicidal maniac after all, he just likes to scare his cabinet ever so often. It’s going to be a while before someone tops that one. Wayne orders the new information about Habib sent to CTU.

10:07 pm – In the CTU food storage and interrogation room, Jack slips on a banana while hitting Fayed and almost makes the CTU blooper reel. Fayed doesn’t seem to notice this, because he looks like he is meditating, or just really tired. Fayed asks if Jack is enjoying himself, which is a pretty dumb question. Fayed doesn’t talk. Bill calls to tell Jack that Mohmar Habib (equivalent English name: Joe Jones) has been working with Fayed, and Bill tells him to try something more drastic, like threatening Fayed with a ham sandwich. Meanwhile, Doyle tries to tell Fayed that no one will remember his name because it’s hard to spell, and his first name, “Abu” makes people think of The Simpsons. Fayed points out that it’s not spelled the same in The Simpsons, but Doyle ignores that and tells him that Fayed’s second in command will get all the glory. Fayed asks Doyle if he really thinks he’ll get anywhere playing on his vanity. Doyle says that he doesn’t play on furniture. Fayed says he serves the will of God, and Doyle says he’s pretty sure God has never made out a will, and nearly shoots Fayed. Jack interrupts and tells Doyle not to shoot. Jack says that Burke back at CTU hasn’t given any drugs to anyone all season, and it’s his turn to try with Fayed. Fayed doesn’t look the least bit concerned about any of this, or the fact that the blood coming out of his nose is coming out at a 45 degree angle.

Commercial

10:15 pm – Lennox brings Habib’s file to President Wayne, and it appears that Habib is really South American, not Mid Eastern. Lennox mentions that Sandra won’t be making any speeches soon, because she’s on her way back to see Wahlid. Wayne confesses that the Joint Chiefs and he were able to concoct the entire “fake bomb” scenario a while ago during a commercial break, so no one figured it out. Lennox apologizes to Wayne. Wayne says without everything that happened, it wouldn’t have been nearly as dramatic over the last couple of hours. Wayne also says he’s not his brother David, and Lennox agrees that Wayne is much more alive than David. Wayne asks about Noah’s quick withdrawal, but Lennox doesn’t tell him what happened.

10:16 pm – Wayne reaches for a pen, but a force field around it keeps him from doing so! Wayne’s hand shakes!

10:17 pm – In the CTU transport van, Jack and Doyle argue about the effectiveness of pharmaceutical interrogation. Fayed says he’s not scared of any of this talk because back in terrorist school he was subjected to “The Simple Life” for 98 hours straight, so he can withstand anything. While everyone argues, the person driving the car pays absolutely NO attention to the road and slams into an armored car going the opposite direction. The CTU van lands on its side.

10:18 pm – Turns out that this is not your ordinary armored car. It’s from Terrorist Home Insecurity, and it’s packing a lot of terrorists. They all have posture problems and are carrying very heavy guns, because none of them is standing up straight, and they’re holding their guns with both hands. Jack orders Doyle out the back of the van with Fayed. Jack kicks out the windshield, and suddenly all the terrorists see Jack! Fortunately for Jack they’re all REALLY bad shots, at least for the most part because Jack shoots a lot of them even though they have machine guns. One of the stray bullets hits Doyle!

10:19 pm – Someone clearly didn’t get the memo, because one of them shoots Jack! That guy is definitely not going to be invited back as a guest terrorist next year. The rest of the terrorists run to get Fayed, and bring him back to their armored car. Fayed remarks on the happy coincidence that his men just happened to be driving by, but no one hears him. The terrorists leave.

10:20 pm – Jack, having proven earlier that he’s one of the undead, suddenly sits up! So does Doyle! Turns out that Wayne isn’t the only one pulling amazing pranks tonight. The whole thing is a set up. At this rate Gredenko will be back any minute waving his hands at Jack with one hand.

10:21 pm – Jack and Doyle jump into a car, and head after Fayed. Fayed is in a special Allen Funt equipped CTU van. CTU has replaced all of Fayed’s usual terrorists with special fake CTU terrorists…. Let’s see if he notices!

10:22 pm – One of the fake terrorists introduces himself as definitely NOT a CTU agent, but really someone that was sent by General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 asks where Fayed wants to go. Fayed suppresses saying “Disney World!”, and instead asks for a gun. One of the fake terrorists gives him one. Fayed says that he wants to speak to General Habib, and Fake Terrorist #1 tells him that it’s been impossible to get a hold of Habib because he’s speed dialing American Idol. Fayed says he won’t tell them where to go, until he’s talked to General Habib. Fake Terrorist #1 says, “As you wish”. It’s a good thing that Fayed never saw The Princess Bride, because if he did, Fake Terrorist #1 probably would have been shot. Jack tells Bill to somehow get General Habib to cooperate, and Bill says that he’ll call the White House, forgetting that everyone is now underneath the White House.

Commercial

10:27 pm – Bill informs Wayne of Jack’s plan to trick Fayed, and Wayne seems pretty impressed, even though Jack didn’t resort to nuclear weapons for his prank. Bill says that even though this was a pretty good prank, Fayed hasn’t fallen for it completely yet, and has asked to talk to General Habib. Bill’s talking pretty loudly, which he usually does when he sticks that piece of metal into his ear. Someone really needs to tell him about that. Lennox says that Karen is in another room meeting The Ambassador. Wayne says he’ll try and put pressure on The Ambassador, and Bill suggests maybe just asking him will work. Wayne gets up to talk to The Ambassador and suddenly slumps over, much to Lennox’s surprise. Wayne blames this on extreme localized gravity, tells Lennox to have someone check on that, and goes to meet with The Ambassador.

10:29 pm – The Ambassador tries to make friends with Wayne again, but Wayne won’t have it. Wayne informs The Ambassador of the plan. The Ambassador doesn’t think Habib is going to cooperate. Karen suggests being a little more forceful. The Ambassador says that he resents her tone, and suggests she get a little more sun to correct that. The Ambassador says they’ve done everything to get Habib to talk: they talked to him, they arrested his family, and even cancelled his subscription to Terrorist Today, but nothing is working. Wayne asks if they’ve threatened to kill Habib’s family, which even takes The Ambassador by surprise. He starts to say, “Well, duh! That’s the first thing we always try”, but catches himself and says, “Excuse me?” Karen says that he’s excused, and it’s down the hall and to the left. The Ambassador says this is all very barbaric. This makes Wayne really mad, and says that he doesn’t want to hear about it, because he knows how The Ambassador treats barbers in Unnamed Country. Wayne hands The Ambassador a phone, and tells him to make sure Habib doesn’t give away what CTU is up to.

10:31 pm – Bill tells Nadia that Habib will make a phone call to Fake Terrorist #1 and that Habib doesn’t speak English. Nadia says she’ll set up a separate channel to translate. Nadia tries to ask Milo to do it, but Milo has his sockets up in a bunch for some reason and won’t do it. Turns out that Milo didn’t like Nadia acting concerned when she found out that Doyle was bleeding earlier.

10:32 pm – Meanwhile, Morris either a really bad eavesdropper, has sprung a leak, or both, and asks what’s going on. Milo says he’ll set up a channel.

10:33 pm – Fayed orders the armored car to pull into a garage, which is completely wide open and has plenty of room, since there are no cars anywhere to be seen. I assume that’s because no one drives cars in L.A. after 10 pm. Jack and Doyle pull up outside. Fayed asks Fake Terrorist #1 why he’s never heard of him before, and Fake Terrorist #1 says Fayed should know by now how this works: Minor characters are introduced in the show, are shot, and are quickly forgotten. In the middle of explaining this, Fake Terrorist #1’s phone rings. Surprise! It’s General Habib. Even Fayed looks surprised. Nadia translates the conversation which she says goes like this:

Habib: “Hey, it’s me”

Fayed: “How’s it going? Did you send these guys?”

Habib: “Yeah, I did. Why didn’t you blow up anything else?”

Fayed: “I’ve been busy. I’ve been trying to stay awake, but I haven’t seen a Starbucks in hours”.

Habib: “I find that hard to believe. You failed, I should have sent Samir. Can you still use the bombs?”

Fayed: “Yes”

Habib: “Call me back when you get there. I’ll send you a new target. Do you understand?”

Fayed: “Yeah, yeah.”

Fayed tells the driver that the safe house isn’t far, and to head for the 110 freeway.

10:36 pm – The armored car leaves. Jack and Doyle follow.

10:37 pm – Karen asks if Wayne is feeling OK, but he clearly isn’t because his voice could be entered into a “talking like this” contest. The Ambassador says that he’s happy that everything worked out so well, and he’ll have to remember that “threaten the family” trick for later. Wayne tells Karen to show The Ambassador out, even though it’s Lennox’ turn to do that. The Ambassador says that he thought he had a promise to stay until the end of this season, but Wayne insists that he should leave.

10:38 pm – Wayne starts grunting a lot, and tells Lennox to lock the door. Lennox looks really alarmed because the last time he saw this happen, the Incredible Hulk showed up out of no where, and he doesn’t want to see that happen. Wayne collapses.

Commercial

10:41 pm – CTU has everyone in place and ready to go, with snipers on both sides of everything because of what happened a couple of hours ago. Nadia comes up to point out that after some analysis, she found out that the Samir person Habib was referring to was killed two years ago. Milo suggests that maybe Habib is referring to another Samir. He also suggests that if Samir is dead, Habib might be gathering an army of The Forsaken, but no one hears this. Nadia points out that it might be a code that General was using, and if you look carefully you can see Morris throw his arms up into the arm and mouth the words, “Well, duh!” Bill tells Nadia that was good work she did to figure all that out.

10:43 pm – Bill tells Jack about the Samir code that Habib used, and Jack calls Fake Terrorist #1. Jack tells FT #1 about the code, and just as he’s doing so, a dramatic plot device in the form of static happens! Chloe tells Jack that it’s probably the tunnel ahead. Jack says, “How long is it?” Chloe tells Jack they have 17 minutes left, and Jack says that’s not what he meant. Chloe tells him 120 yards, but it hasn’t come out of the tunnel yet. Jack tells the CTU teams that he had Doyle are going to engage, and someone over the communications link says, “We had no idea! Congratulations!”, but Jack ignores this.

10:44 pm – Jack and Doyle drive into the tunnel, which is mysteriously completely empty, just like most of the streets in L.A. have been. The armored car is stopped in the middle. Jack and Doyle check, and everyone with a non-speaking part is dead, and Fayed is gone. Jack looks around and suspects that the door in the wall with all the bullet holes near the doorknob is probably where Fayed went. Since this is a common thing in L.A., he approaches with a little bit of skepticism. Jack kicks in the door and points the gun straight up, just in case Fayed suddenly got Sister Bertrille powers.

10:45 pm – Jack moves into the main area where all the machinery required to operate the tunnel is located, looking for Fayed. Jack sneaks around and finds that Fayed just mugged someone! He’s fitting right into the L.A. criminal lifestyle already! Fayed jumps into a big (but inconspicuous) white garbage truck, not noticing that Jack is doing a great Indiana Jones impression by hanging on underneath the truck. L.A. is one glitzy place because they even have lights underneath the truck. Jack makes a very loud phone call to Bill to let him know where the truck is headed, but drops the phone. Bill asks Chloe to figure out what she can. Doyle finds a dead body at the loading dock, so they’re pretty sure Jack was nearby.

Commercial

10:51 pm – Wayne’s doctor hurriedly straps a pocket calculator to Wayne’s wrist and begins calculating how much overtime he’s going to get for this extended under White House call. The doctor wants to take Wayne to the medical unit, but Wayne refuses. Wayne asks for another shot of adrenaline. When the doctor refuses, Wayne looks like he’s going to cry, but then decides to go for a walk saying he feels happy. The doctor tries to resign, but Wayne says that they’re all in this season together and they have to stay until the end just like everyone else. The doctor leaves. Wayne asks Lennox to call CTU to find out what’s happening.

10:54 pm – Meanwhile, under the truck, Jack prays for no speed bumps as Fayed drives into his secret hideout. Fayed tells Halil that Gredenko betrayed him and now he just wants to blow something up, so they’re going to downtown Los Angeles for take-out. Halil doesn’t seem to understand this until Fayed corrects himself and says, “I mean, we’re going to take out downtown Los Angeles”. The men and Fayed all leave, except for one guy, who will probably be killed by Jack shortly.

10:55 pm – The guy takes three steps, Jack karate chops him in the shins, slams him to the floor and kills him. Jack enters the building, following Fayed to the bombs. Jack starts shooting, killing nearly everyone but Fayed. Fayed and Jack shoot at each other, both running out of bullets at the same time. They look at each other with looks like “What are the odds of THAT happening?”, and Jack runs up to give Fayed a giant bear hug., except it’s more of an I’m going to kill you hug. They fight until they can barely move. Jack crawls over and uses a hanging chain as a defensive weapon, and is thankful he took that elective in CTU training school. He bites Fayed in the arm, since he hasn’t bitten anyone in a few hours now, and wraps the chain around Fayed’s neck. Jack tells Fayed “Say hello to your brother”, and presses a control button near the chain. Fayed suddenly wishes that he was about 5 inches taller, because he’s lifted right off the ground and dies by strangulation.

10:58 pm – Doyle finds Jack. Doyle seems pretty impressed with how Jack ended up killing Fayed, and calls CTU to let them know that everything is OK. Doyle gets a phone call. Doyle hands to phone to Jack.

10:59 pm – It’s AUDREY! The Chinese have brought her back to life! Chang wants Jack to call 310-597-3781 in ten minutes! An entire plot line is dropped for an even bigger terrorist threat: The return of Audrey!

11:00 pm – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME: CHANG WANTS A COMPONENT OR THEY’LL KILL AUDREY! NOAH WON’T RESIGN. WAYNE OWES JACK! DOYLE AND JACK PULL GUNS ON EACH OTHER!

Previously on “24”, we found out: If you ever have the misfortune to be arrested at CTU, you can just sit back and wait a while, and someone will end up proving your innocence; It’s important that if you’re going to set up tactical guys to shoot someone, you should put a couple on the other side of the street too; If you tell VP Noah something as simple as “I don’t want a cup of coffee”, it’s pretty likely he’s going to twist it into an excuse to bomb some unnamed country.

The following summary takes place between 9 pm and 10 pm:

9:00 pm – Lennox dials in the cable channel Secretary General TV, while the cabinet waits for the president to show up.

9:01 pm – Wayne really wants to stand up to Noah, just in case there’s a jump ball in the middle of the conference room, and he needs that edge. He asks the doctor for an injection so he won’t need a wheelchair.

9:02 pm – Jack calls Bill to tell him about Gredenko’s immunity deal offer to give up Fayed, but is concerned that Gredenko rolled over too easily. Bill says that’s because of the time Gredenko spent in the Russian circus disguised as a bear. Bill says that Wayne has regained consciousness, but VP Noah is challenging him under the 25th Amendment. Wayne has countered with a Black Lotus card, which VP Noah is still trying to figure out how to counter. Bill points out that if Fayed detonates another bomb, no one will be able to stand in VP Noah’s way. Jack points out that if Fayed DOES detonate another bomb, there probably won’t be anyone left standing anyway, and points out that if VP Noah takes over, the immunity deal will be off. Bill says that all this deal talk is beginning to sound like a Howie Mandel game show. Jack asks Bill to have the attorney general draw up the immunity deal papers, and Bill tells him the attorney general probably has a printer for that sort of thing.

9:04 pm – In the secret underground cabinet room, President Wayne finally arrives. VP Noah immediately goes to him, and lies like a dog: He says he’s happy to see Wayne. Lennox stands up and gives a little speech about the 25th Amendment in case we all didn’t get the drift the first couple of times they talked about it, and that he’ll be playing the role of Jeff Probst during tonight’s round of Presidential Survivor. Wayne’s doctor gets up and tells everyone that Wayne is doing pretty well, and everyone who didn’t say a darn thing when Noah was giving order to blow things up suddenly starts asking really hard hitting questions like: “Is Wayne OK?”, “Will he be able to shave his head without assistance?”, and “What show are we on right now?”. The doctor leaves, and Lennox asks Wayne to address the cabinet. Wayne says that instead of getting up and writing on a large piece of furniture, it would be a much better idea to talk to everyone. Wayne gives a speech and points out that Noah is a cry baby who just won’t give up if someone tells him “No”, and that’s the whole reason for all this “25th Amendment” talk.

Noah tells everyone that in order to make sure the constitution really works, from time to time they have to try out each and every one of the Amendments. Noah also says that the proof Wayne should be removed as President is that he DIDN’T want to bomb the snot out of another country. He also plays some really dramatic music after he gets done talking, which is blatantly unfair, but no one calls him on it because they’re all pretty scared of him. Lennox says that there will be a vote taking place in the next ten minutes, and that the person with the most votes will be asked to leave the presidential bunker immediately, unless they have an immunity idol.

Commercial

9:13 pm – At CTU, Milo asks Nadia about the vote. Nadia tells him that they’re still in commercial on Presidential Survivor, and that it’ll be a few more minutes. She asks that Milo forget about that whole silly “Nadia is a terrorist” thing. Milo says he won’t forget about the kiss though, and Nadia tells him that with breath like his she won’t be forgetting it soon either. As Milo leaves, Doyle calls Nadia and asks her to go upstairs.

9:14 pm – Nadia arrives upstairs, and Doyle makes a fumbling apology for smacking Nadia around earlier, because of the mole in the building. Nadia says that he should have called an exterminator, but Doyle ignores this and insists he’s not a racist. Nadia points out that he’s more of a sadist, and Doyle objects, saying he’s not any sort of “ist” at all. What he wants Nadia to do is to go check on Milo’s computer, to see if he’s the one that accidentally set up the wrong access protocols that let the terrorists break into the CTU computers and upload most of the files at CTU to Google. Nadia refuses, and Doyle tries to convince her that if she doesn’t help him, he’s going to bring in a forensics team, shoot Milo’s computer, tear it all up, and then haul Milo away in handcuffs – and not necessarily in that order.

9:18 pm – Karen sits down with Wayne and Sandra and asks what Wayne will do with Noah if Wayne ends up winning the vote. They want him out of the way and suggest getting him out of the bunker, perhaps even in an ark. Counting animals should keep him busy for a long time. Wayne says he can’t afford to alienate any of Noah’s supporters, because aliens are the last things they need to be dealing with right now. Wayne says that he’d rather keep an eye on Noah, so the ark is out too.

The cabinet comes back together, and Lennox calls for the vote without a secret ballet, since they’re in a hurry. The vote is seven to seven, which means that they have to turn to fire building, and the first person that can build a fire high enough to burn the twine and raise a little American flag gets to be president. The attorney general interrupts and says that since the majority of the cabinet didn’t vote to get rid of Wayne, he wins! Wayne gives the evil eye to seven people on the cabinet, many of whom are already working on the resumes on their laptops. Noah tells them to stop, because he doesn’t recognize Karen as the National Security Advisor! Lennox pulls out a photo album, and points to her picture, but Noah still doesn’t recognize her, so TADA! He’s president! He even says he’s really sorry to Wayne. Wayne says, “Pffft!” to that, and before a duel can break out, the attorney general suggests that they call Diana Ross and The Supremes to figure this thing out. An aide whispers something in his ear, and he corrects himself and says he really meant The Supreme Court. Wayne winces during the attorney general’s speech. As they leave the room, Noah tells Evil Lisa to get his affidavit started, and she says that she though he drove a Range Rover. Noah calls Lennox over and says that he thinks Lennox might not be on his side. Lennox says that’s true, he’s right in front of him, and he’s on the side of the United States of America, which is pretty tough because it’s a pretty big place.

Commercial

9:24 pm – Nadia goes over to tell Milo that her workstation is screwed up because the credentials on them were all wrong, and we all know what kind of hassle that can be. Milo goes off to fix this, and in about 10 seconds, Nadia is able to determine that the breach was Milo’s fault. She tells Doyle about this, and he fixes it so no one will find out about Milo’s screw up! Nadia looks surprised at this, and Doyle quotes from the Koran, which surprises her even more! Doyle says that he’s read the Koran, the Bible, the Upanishads, and even the Dave Barry Blog, but he still hasn’t come up with any answers to life’s greater meaning. Milo witnesses this from across the room, asks Nadia about it, but Nadia just says that she and Doyle were comparing data sets. Milo points out that in some engineering universities, comparing data sets means you’re engaged, but Nadia doesn’t hear him.

9:26 pm – Karen calls Bill, and tells him that the cabinet meeting went like the cabinet meetings usually go, but that this time Wayne won. Kind of. She explains about how Noah brought up the whole resignation thing, and that the last she heard Diana Ross was going to sing about it and decide something. She’s just worried that Noah will be unleashed on the world, but Bill assures her that they’ll be able to keep the muzzle on Noah and everything will turn out alright in the end. Karen tells Bill that there are arguments scheduled in 15 minutes. Bill says, “Wow! They really do schedule everything over there”. Karen tells Bill, “Thank you for being there”. Bill says, “Well, thank you for the Pink Panther.” Karen says that she has to get going, or she won’t get a good seat when Diana starts her show.

9:28 pm – Gredenko verifies with his attorney that the agreements have been signed, and that he’ll reimburse Jack for the amazingly large phone charge he’ll get on his Jack Phone next month. Jack lets Gredenko know that if he doesn’t get reimbursed, or that if he tells Fayed a thing about what’s going on, he’ll get out his Jack Gun and fill him with Jack Bullets.

9:29 pm – Gredenko calls Fayed and says he has the protocols. Fayed says they better be the right protocols, and not the ICMP protocols he tried to pass off last time. Grendenko says he’ll have to ping him about that later, and Fayed admonishes him for such a terrible protocol joke. Gredenko assures him that everything is ok, and they agree to meet at the Santa Monica Pier in about ten minutes. Gredenko wants to know where he’ll be found, and Fayed says he’ll find Gredenko. Jack talks to Bill, who says that Doyle is on his way to the pier, but won’t make it in time. Jack gets one of his tactical guys to put Gredenko in a “vehicle” which is Jack talk for “car”.

9:31 pm – Karen brings in the instructions from The Supremes, and they need the arguments written down and ready to go in ten minutes. Wayne says that Sandra is working on the briefs. Karen says that working on a new line of executive underwear is great, but what they really need is a written copy of arguments about why Wayne should continue to be president. Just writing down that Noah is homicidal maniac isn’t good enough. Sandra says that since Noah didn’t bring up the fact that Karen shouldn’t be there, that proves that Karen really still was acting National Security Advisor. Or acting like the National Security Advisor. Or an actor acting like the National Security Advisor. Something like that.

9:32 pm – Over in the evil half of the Presidential Bunker, Noah reads his briefs until someone hands him a set of papers with the argument on them and then he reads those. His argument is that he didn’t really MEAN to keep Karen; it’s just that he didn’t have a good evil replacement just at that moment. Evil Lisa doesn’t seem to think Noah’s chances are very good, and Noah says, “Then I am … deeply afraid for our country”. (I think it goes without say that with Noah in power, the country would be pretty afraid all by itself). Evil Lisa hatches a plan to swear that Noah told her to tell Karen that Noah had no intention of reinstating Karen. Noah points out that Lisa would be perjuring herself in front of the Supreme Court, and seems uncharacteristically reticent about the whole idea. Evil Lisa says that’s not what “perjure” means, and besides, the ends justify the means. Noah says that he never knew what that expression meant, but he’ll go along with her idea because she’ll get in trouble, and he won’t.

9:33 pm – Special delivery! Terrorist Express arrives, and they’ve got Fayed in the back, carrying metal suitcases, which are the universal television symbols for bombs. Halil (one of Fayed’s men) takes the cases and doesn’t want Fayed to go to meet Gredenko. Halil really wants to use the bombs right away (I think he must be distant cousins with Noah) because they can inflict a lot of damage right where they are. Fayed really wants to go for the gusto, and says that if his plan works, they’ll inflict damage across half of California, but he doesn’t say which half. They close the door on the Terrorist Express truck with Fayed in the back, and they leave.

9:35 pm – In the presidential bunker, Lennox goes to see Noah and asks to speak with him alone. Evil Lisa slinks out of the room. It turns out that Lennox bugged one of his own pieces of china in the room, and he has a tape of Evil Lisa and Noah talking about the perjury! Lennox tells Noah to call the Supremes and cancel the concert.

Commercial

9:41 pm – Wayne talks to Karen about what’s been going on since he’s been asleep. Wayne wants the launch codes, Fayed’s status, and someone to rename the “flesh colored” band-aid on his neck to something more appropriate. Sandra runs in to tell Wayne and Karen that during the commercial, the Supreme Court called and told her that Noah withdrew his suit. Karen says that’s an image that she won’t be able to get out of her head for a long time. Sandra says she meant the lawsuit that was filed. Everyone leaves, and Wayne picks up the phone to tell Melinda that he wants to talk to his doctor.

9:43 pm – Out in Santa Monica, Agent Ryan is fitting Gredenko with the latest in audio and isotope tracking gear. They’ll be able to track Gredenko within 15 miles. Hopefully this time they’ve figured out that they’ll need snipers on BOTH sides of the street during all this. It turns out that Doyle is about 20 minutes away, so Jack is going to have to run this operation himself, which I’m sure Jack can handle. They let Gredenko out of the nondescript CTU van with government license plates and Gredenko walks around looking for Fayed. A phone rings, and Gredenko picks it up. It is a cell phone that has a text message that says, “LOL! Go2 Building J”. They lose sight of Gredenko, so Jack goes to follow. A couple of guys grab Gredenko and bring him inside a building.

9:45 pm – Inside the building, Gredenko shows Fayed the transmitter. Fayed mistakes this for an iPod at first, but realizes it’s a transmitter, and he’s not happy. Gredenko tells him that Fayed needs to listen so they both get out alive, and Fayed says that since it’s not an iPod, he’s not sure out that’s going to work.

9:46 pm – Jack pulls his gun, enters the building but doesn’t see anyone. He looks around a bit more and finds Gredenko’s arm on the ground! Jack withholds his earlier vampiric tendency and doesn’t start chewing on it, but is able to use that same tendency to pick up the blood trail that Gredenko is leaving behind.

Commercial

9:52 pm – Jack continues to follow the trail and is so frustrated that Doyle isn’t there, he tells CTU to make Doyle set up a perimeter as soon as he gets there. Jack finally catches up, and there’s a lot of shooting. Jack says “Show me your head” to one of the bad guys, and he does, so Jack shoots him.

9:53 pm – An Arab and a one armed Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?” (Sorry, and oldie but goodie). Gredenko really looks like he needs a drink. He’d be a great two… er, one-fisted drinker right now. As Fayed moves to the back of the bar, Gredenko loudly announces to everyone that Fayed is the guy they’re looking for. Fayed takes a couple of shots, runs out of bullets and some nice patriotic Americans start showing Fayed what they think of him by high-fiving him in the face with their fists. Gredenko escapes.

9:54 pm – Jack enters and starts shooting some completely innocent ceiling tiles, and says he’s talking Fayed. One of the guys in the bar says that his friend was shot, Jack says they’ll get him a doctor, and Fayed says that he hopes the friend is dead! Jack doesn’t like that kind of talk, so he boots Fayed in the face. Jack tells Bill that he has Fayed, and the tactical guys need to search for Gredenko, who’ll be the person that could audition for the remake of “The Fugitive”.

9:54 pm – Wayne is feeling really bad and asks the doctor to give him something to keep going. The doctor reluctantly agrees and gives him an injection. Wayne gets a call from Bill, who informs him that Jack caught Fayed.

9:55 pm – Down by the beach, Gredenko is under a pier stumbling along. It looks like he’s beginning to think that the whole “chopping off an arm” thing was a bad idea, and falls over, the ocean washing over him. I bet it’s the last time he tries THAT.

9:57 pm – Karen goes to Lennox and declares a truce. Karen asks about the whole “withdrawn suit” thing that Noah just did, and Lennox says he has no idea what happened, but would be happy to tell her all about it later. Lennox gets a phone call, and surprise! Now WAYNE wants to launch a strike!

9:59 pm – It turns out that Wayne is a maniac too, because that whole thing about wanting to be president wasn’t to stop the nuclear strike, it was just to regain his power. All that sympathy for Wayne everyone has been feeling just went up in smoke with the nuclear weapon he just launched at the STILL unnamed country.

10:00 pm – Time’s up! (And most importantly, NO AUDREY!)

NEXT TIME ON “24”: WAYNE TRIES TO KARATE CHOP A TABLE, BUT FAILS! JACK TRIES TO PUNCH FAYED AND SUCCEEDS! WAYNE FALLS OVER! TRUCKS COLLIDE! JACK GETS SHOT AND FALLS OVER, PRETENDING TO BE DEAD (WE HOPE!)